Posted by Gabbi on July 19, 2002, at 22:21:44
In reply to Re: does this ever end -Thanks Y'all » Gabbi, posted by mair on July 19, 2002, at 20:52:40
Dinah, at first I wasn't going to say anything, because I wanted you all to think I was just showing such remarkable restraint in my postings.
And don't ever worry about sounding too relentlessly cheerful thats what I love about this site,when you know that the cheery person is battling the same demon, it comes across as hope, not as platitudes.
Mair, Thanks, for just caring enough to respond, I had no idea that these "cyber supports" can evoke such a visceral response, Its like you are right in the same room with me.
Right now, I feel like I'm not doing much supporting just doing all the sponging and I apologize but if I offered any suggestions I'd feel like a hypocrite.
And yes I have more to say (sorry) It's sort of a question/rant.
Before I became depressed I had standards, and was quite able as well to realize someone being nasty could just be in a bad mood, hungry, whatever. The depression though is so isolating, first imaginary, now literally and emotionally, that I grasp onto any little bit of attention I get and grieve its loss, even when the 'real me knows I'm being silly.
ie' This guy I've been buddies with for 15 years, and in the past year have occasionally slept
with, and previously always thought well he's a good guy, but not to swift, and thats why we were just friends.Well, the night of my O'd MY mom had told me that she wasn't going to pick up my medication which I needed THAT DAY, She'd offered, I don't think its her job. Because of an imaginary "sin" I'd committed, she thought HORRORS I"d signed out a video in her name, when in fact Id put a deposit on it to rent it, because I don't have an Adress.
She decided to punish me by not getting my medication when she came back and told me this it was too late drugstor closed. I told her that using medication as a behavior modification tool was a little sick in my books, The upshot was she said "you have no place to live cause nobody wants you"I was ordered to take a trip to my Dad's an hour and 1/2 bus ride, did that, entered an empty apartment, felt more abandoned than usual, and of course no medication(no real 1/2 life on this stuff either)
Back to the guy, I called him, was not teary, have supported him in the past, just wondered if I'd see him for a movie on the weekend. Turns out in the past week he's become in his words "enlightened" gone to all this crystal, chakra therapy stuff and had decided that the reason I was gang raped years ago was because I only attract negative energy and must enjoy being abused..... when I mentioned that I liked him because he was gentle and affectionate, so the theory didn't make sense, he said I was being confrontational, and wanted nothing more to do with me because my bad energy would of course interfere with his "enlightenment.
NOW, of course this was the proverbial straw, however at one time I would have chuckled that someone would brag about being "enlightened' I think that comment erases itself. Would have thought oh what a flake, he thinks now he exists in a vacuum and doesn't need to support anyone else, blah blah.
But I couldn't feel that, all I felt was grief as if I'd lost someone I had truly loved, and because I had already feeling beaten down for a long period, that was the trigger for the O'd.
What I'm asking is, how do you maintain some sense of discernment in depression, when its an emotional reaction. Is there a way. I'm still two weeks away from my Pdocs appt. My previous quote from him, was from my first suicide attempt. The Psych ward doc from Tuesdays attempt refused to refill my clonazepam which was to keep me somewhat stable until my complete A.D overhaul with my "hero" pdoc, who is out of town, so I can't make an earlier appt with him.
I feel o.k today, but I'm worried, that some "little" or easily rationalized thing could tip me over again, and I really was not grateful that I was saved from this most recent attempt. But I believe you when you say "hang on" its not forever.... today. I may not be able to believe it tomorrow.
Once again, I apologize for being so wordy, I'm too tired to worry about editing right now.'Thanks
poster:Gabbi
thread:26628
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020714/msgs/26732.html