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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sid on April 2, 2002, at 9:26:27
Hi all.
Well, it was Easter last weekendm so of course I had to suffer through a family reunion. Nobody goes to church anymore in the family, but my sister ALWAYS insists on family reunions on hollidays. Then she complains that she does everything, that it's boring (hello! I was there, I KNOW that much!), and that she'd rather have done something else. Family responsibilities always fall on her. The thing is, she's the only one who wants these reunions.And her wonderful husband who hates women except when it's to f*** them, the joy of being around him. His own son refuses to see his girlfriend sit next to him at the dinner table - I guess he molests her too. All the women sit at one end of the table and he's surrounded by men. My sister doesn't mind, I guess. And every time he behaves reproachably (always!), she calls me back the next day and tells me I should laugh more at his jokes, it would make him in a better mood. I feel like asking: when should I laugh? Before, during or after he touches me inappropriately or masturbates in front of me? See, I'm not sure what's funny about that, so she'd need to explain the humor of it to me.
She started therapy recently, and now she blames my mother for all her problems. Her husband just retired and he is driving her crazy at home. He even said that if she did not go to therapy, he'd leave her. So she goes. She discusses therapy with him and so now, he blames my mother for everything too and he laughs at me all the time (although that's not new). He made sure to isolate her from my brother and his wife a while back and now the same is happening with us. Since I live with my mother, I can't throw them out, but as soon as I can afford to have my own place, man, I'll kick them out.
All this to say that family reunions with them always anger me for days. I though her therapy would help her gett better but she's only getting deeper into his crap. Love is blind, that's for sure. I pray never to fall in love again because it makes you make a fool of yourself.
Wonderful family. You gave me life and you've been sucking it back since. I never loved my sister and at times I even hate her. She hated me for being born and has been putting me down since. Even laughed when her husband put his thick disgusting tongue down my throat when I was 8. I guesss she'd have to explain the humor of that to me too.
- sid
Posted by IsoM on April 2, 2002, at 12:10:37
In reply to My wonderful family, posted by sid on April 2, 2002, at 9:26:27
Sid, the day you say "No, I'm not going to be at the family reunion this time" is the day I'll know you're cured for good. You're such a nice person, interesting & intelligent. Sid, why do you put yourself through that?
I'm really not preaching to you but if you want someone to tell you to tell them "go to hell", I'll be the one. My brother just came out from Manitoba to visit in BC for a while. He's not anywhere as nasty as your sister & her mate-from-hell but I knew that if I went to the big family supper, I'd only hear arguing between my two brothers (who dislike each other very much) & my Mom all stressed trying to pacify each. Then my Mom would only complain later about the whole thing.
I was pressured to go but stuck to my guns. If I'm eating with someone, it's because it's an enjoyable thing. I don't believe in doing what's 'proper' just for tradition's sake.
How about making voo-doo dolls of your sister & brother-out-law, sticking it full of pins, then smashing them afterwards? I hope you don't dwell on them too much - they're not worth it.
Posted by Penny on April 2, 2002, at 14:23:13
In reply to My wonderful family, posted by sid on April 2, 2002, at 9:26:27
Sid,
I can relate. I agree that telling your family to go to hell might be the best thing you ever do for yourself.
My grandfather committed suicide in November, shortly after his 75th birthday. Just prior to that, my evil cousin accused him of molesting her 5 year old daughter (his great-granddaughter). I'm not saying my cousin is evil b/c of that...she was evil beforehand. But all of a sudden all hell broke loose and she became estranged from the family. And my grandmother is in total denial about the whole thing. And my cousin isn't speaking to any of us anymore b/c most everyone in the family blames her for my grandfather's suicide. Anyway, to make a long story a little shorter, my family is pretty f***ed up too.
But since then I have finally (FINALLY!!!) learned to say no to them. We have family get-togethers for every holiday, and I might go at Christmas, but that's about it anymore. And then it's only briefly. And I've made a rule about spending time with my dad as well. My parents are still married to each other and my mom & I get along okay, but my dad and I absolutely can't for very long. So, to save myself from getting hurt & putting myself in a bad place again, I tell them I can't break my '24-hour' rule, meaning I can't spend more than 24 hours at a time with my dad. B/c when I do, he manages to say something to me that's demeaning or hurtful (at my grandfather's funeral he made two comments to me about how 'fat' I am).
And, I'll tell you, not visiting my family has made a big difference. Of course, it's been hard too, as I still want (somewhere in my subconscious) that 'perfect' family gathering, that I'm sure only exists on TV. And having to accept that that will never happen, at least not with MY family, is hard. But it's easier than dealing with them!!!
Anyway, I know you live with your mom, but is there somewhere else you can go when your sis & her hubby-from-hell show up? Friends that you could celebrate with (if it's on a holiday?) or something else you could do?
Hope things get better...
Penny
Posted by mair on April 2, 2002, at 14:29:48
In reply to My wonderful family, posted by sid on April 2, 2002, at 9:26:27
Sid - Your post seemed very timely to me. My bugaboo is not my sister or the brother in law from hell, but my father who is able to flip me into a 3 or 4 day anxiety attack just by saying the wrong thing to me. I struggle to keep my distance from him and then feel incredibly guilty that I'm not nicer to him and that I don't want to be around him. It strikes me as absurd that I am as old as I am (late 40's) and still let him get to me this way. I have no easy answers - I don't get together with him much, but it's tough to avoid his telephone calls. Sometimes I think you just need to do what's healthiest for you - if that means very few family encounters, so be it. I think you'll be alot happier for it, and maybe your insistence will dissuade your sister from forcing too many of these.
Mair
Posted by sid on April 2, 2002, at 18:44:29
In reply to Re: My wonderful family » sid, posted by IsoM on April 2, 2002, at 12:10:37
Hi IsoM,
thanks so much for your reply. I did not dwell on it - I taught this afternoon and my students did presentations and I feel great now. Trying NOT to think back on Easter day actually.I know I need to take my distances. But I'm going back to live with my mom at the end of the month (I've been housesitting for a while), and I don't want to mess her relationship with them. Hers is as bad as mine, but she doesn't have this urge to kick them like I do. Or she controls it better perhaps. :-) Anyway, my tricky financial situation makes it difficult for me to deal witht this efficiently. Although I am considering getting my own place... I will have decent money next academic year but after that, it's complete uncertainty, so I tend to be cautious. Need to think some more about it.
Well, thanks IsoM. I like your replies a lot; I feel I know you somehow. Take care.
- sid
Posted by sid on April 2, 2002, at 18:49:37
In reply to Re: My wonderful family » sid, posted by Penny on April 2, 2002, at 14:23:13
Thanks Penny.
Yeah, I can leave when they come. Actually, weirdly enough, I can deal with my sister wgen she's alone most of the time. But when her hubby-from-hell is there, I can't stand the dynamic. She becomes a shadow and behaves as he expects. Then in the middle of a conversation, out of nowhere, she screams: "I exist, dammit!" Hello, tell that to him for goodness sake.Anyway... Has a good day at work, feeling better, need to concentrate on my work and me and forget them as much as possible. Which is not too hard to do, I must say.
Take care Penny.
- sid
Posted by sid on April 2, 2002, at 18:55:00
In reply to Re: My wonderful family » sid, posted by mair on April 2, 2002, at 14:29:48
Thanks Mair,
yes, I will avoid these things again. Things were getting better between my sister and I, so I thought it would not be so bad this time. Big mistake.I'm realizing though that her therapy makes her angry at our mom and closer to her husband than ever (she discusses it all with him and he influences her too much - she says my mom influences her too much but she does not realize he does the same to her!). So I don't have much to say to her, except "get a divorce and become an adult for goodness sake! Your husband is a disgrace to all men! I can't believe you're content with THAT!" Of course I don't say it, but the tempation is strong. :-)
Well, take care. I'm better now after teaching and enjoying it very much.
- sid
Posted by IsoM on April 2, 2002, at 22:25:38
In reply to Re: My wonderful family » IsoM, posted by sid on April 2, 2002, at 18:44:29
Sid, our Moms are different but just a thought...
I was concerned initially that if I didn't participate in family gatherings that often, that my Mom would get it in the ear from my brothers & have to put up with more crap from them. I didn't want it to be harder for her just to make it easier for me.
But it seems that my going has little to do with how she feels & what they say. Yes, she does hear from them about what a snob I am & how opinionated I am, but if they weren't bitching about that, they'd be bitching to her about something else instead. My not going only channges the subject they harp on. The total effect on my Mom remains the same. So I stay away & have the emotional strength to comfort my Mom later.
Thanks for the nice things you say. I, too, feel like I 'know' you. You're not just a faceless, cyber-person to me.
Posted by sid on April 3, 2002, at 21:17:31
In reply to Re: Your Mom and You » sid, posted by IsoM on April 2, 2002, at 22:25:38
IsoM, Thanks for the thought.
I get along pretty nicely with my Mom, thank God! And she knows what I think about them; she actually thinks some of the same, but being a Mom, she can stand them more than me. Or she feels obligated to, I don't know.
It's weird, my sister started therapy and may take ADs (she's going back to the doc next week), so I've spent amore time with her lately. She asked for info, which I gave her (lucky her: 7 years of my experience into a couple of hours of conversation!), and we talked about different things. As it turns out, I still find her not too bright and she still gets on my nerves, as always. She made a VERY derogatory and sexist comment against a female politician last weekend, I could NOT believe what I heard. It's the kind of thing her husband would say. All this to say, I made efforts to get closer to her lately (in December she complained that she always wanted to be close to me but it never happened), but I won't anymore. I spent 7 years in the US and she did not bother to call me once, because it was long distance! And I'm the one to blame for us not being closer. Anyway... I stop here, it's not worth thinking about, I've got better things to do.
All this to say that my Mom is my family to me. And I will avoid family gatherings as much as I can. I even missed Xmas 2000. Spent a very nice evening alone, sipping Porto wine, eating cheese and chocolate, watching movies and reading. My best Xmas since my teenage years. I do believe I will do the same this year. :-)
You're not just a cyber-person to me either... even though I have trouble remembering your real name (last e-mail). As I wrote before, I'm sorry about that.
- sid
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