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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Lini on January 9, 2002, at 9:55:07
I am currently on break from my therapist. we talked about it last night, I am not entirely sure of my reasons, but I just felt that I needed to reevaluate why I was in therapy. My therapist said that she understood, which as helpful. Here's my question. . . Has anyone else taken a break from therapy and then come back? How has it gone? What was it about? For me, I think that I am feeling a little bit better and now in a position to evaluate why I am in therapy and what I want to get out of it. There are some specific things I would like to get from therapy and I just feel like a need a break to sort out what they are and articulate them. Does this make sense to anyone? One of the biggest issues I have is paying for therapy. Not because I can't afford it, but I just have this issue with paying, like it cheapens the whole thing or something. Immature? probably, but I get really offended when my therapist wants to talk payments. I have considered just giving her my checkbook and having her write herself checks. I also need my therapist to be more direct and not let me get away with copping out of things. I need to think this through more, but I feel like she doesn't challenge me (or I don't challenge myself?). Lastly, I have this overwhelming need to be "the best patient". Silly, but I actually spend time wondering if my therapist looks forward to our sessions or hates them. Am I just the ultimate freak or has anyone else felt like this?
Posted by cmcdougall on January 9, 2002, at 12:06:12
In reply to taking a break from your therapist?, posted by Lini on January 9, 2002, at 9:55:07
How long have you been in therapy? Personally, I am not a big advocate of long-term talk therapy.
I have chronic major depression and am on a good med cocktail now, but talk-therapy is helpful when my old meds poop out and I'm going through trials of new meds. It is also good for getting me back on track when life circumstances get me all de-railed.
I have done talk therapy several times in my life... Usually I go for 4 or 6 sessions and thats been it. The last time I went was in Oct. for 10 days straight of intensive cognitive therapy (outpatient) in the local psych ward, followed by 2 or 3 weekly sessions w/ my pdoc who also does talk-therapy. I always get a lot of good out of these sessions, but when they become redundant I quit.
All the talking in the world will not change you - all it can do is give you insight into WHY you behave the way you do, and then give you the tools to use to change YOURSELF into the kind of person you want to be.
So to answer your questions, Yes I take breaks from therapy. I might take a 5 year break. I do just fine until I need something different (usually a change of meds), then I go back to therapy. I don't always go back to the same therapist either. Sometimes I try something completely different. I've learned good things from all of them.
About once every 6 months or so I even go to Alanon meetings. I'm not involved w/ an alcoholic, but the meetings are like a "booster shot". They remind me that I can't control everything in my life, but I CAN learn to try and control myself (not so easy at times, is it) and its reassuring to see that I'm not alone w/ my problems.
If you aren't sure what you want from the therapy, then I think its time to take a break and figure that out or try something different. Why spend time doing something that has no objective or clear-cut goal?
Good luck,
Carly>
>
> I am currently on break from my therapist. we talked about it last night, I am not entirely sure of my reasons, but I just felt that I needed to reevaluate why I was in therapy. My therapist said that she understood, which as helpful. Here's my question. . . Has anyone else taken a break from therapy and then come back? How has it gone? What was it about? For me, I think that I am feeling a little bit better and now in a position to evaluate why I am in therapy and what I want to get out of it. There are some specific things I would like to get from therapy and I just feel like a need a break to sort out what they are and articulate them. Does this make sense to anyone? One of the biggest issues I have is paying for therapy. Not because I can't afford it, but I just have this issue with paying, like it cheapens the whole thing or something. Immature? probably, but I get really offended when my therapist wants to talk payments. I have considered just giving her my checkbook and having her write herself checks. I also need my therapist to be more direct and not let me get away with copping out of things. I need to think this through more, but I feel like she doesn't challenge me (or I don't challenge myself?). Lastly, I have this overwhelming need to be "the best patient". Silly, but I actually spend time wondering if my therapist looks forward to our sessions or hates them. Am I just the ultimate freak or has anyone else felt like this?
Posted by JohnDoenut on January 9, 2002, at 14:18:03
In reply to taking a break from your therapist?, posted by Lini on January 9, 2002, at 9:55:07
>Here's my question. . . Has anyone else taken a break from therapy and then come back? How has it gone? What was it about?
>Short answer: yes and yes.
I have seen several different ones and sometimes I took a beak and went back to the same one and sometimes I didnt. I think the amount of time you go regularly can vary according to need and person. I had a 10 year break between therapists! :) Talk therapy can give you insights but the real benefit is the action you take based on that insight. Continuing therapy while taking action, gaining more insight, and having the therapist as coach and observer can he very helpful. They were for me.If you feel you need a break then take one and then decide what you want to do or not.
As for paying, I dont know but its a service like anything else and the person who is giving the service deserves to be compensated. I think you need to instead examine your feelings (in therapy!) about the whole thing, not the act of paying itself, and find out whats up with that.
As for being the best patient, thats all part of your pathology :) and therapy. Deal with it! :) And I mean that in a nice way!
Good luck!
JohnD
Posted by Mair on January 9, 2002, at 15:38:58
In reply to Re: taking a break from your therapist?, posted by JohnDoenut on January 9, 2002, at 14:18:03
I took what was about a year and a half break from therapy when I just felt like I had hit a brick wall and couldn't identify any therapeutic goals. During that hiatus period I did go back and see my therapist (who was also my pdoc) from time to time usually for a few sessions at a time. It was sort of a bandaid approach, not really therapy. When I decided i needed more consistent intensive therapy, I started up with someone else. It just seemed too difficult to start down that road again with my previous therapist.
Mair
Posted by Lini on January 9, 2002, at 16:00:22
In reply to Re: taking a break from your therapist?, posted by Mair on January 9, 2002, at 15:38:58
thank you cmcdougall, JohnDoenut (funny) and Mair. Glad to know that therapy vacation isn't necessarily a sign of impending neurochemical disaster. i definitely am going to take the time to re-identify my goals.
Now, this "best patient" and "money" thing are indeed my issues. Am I really the only person who feels weird about paying someone fifty bucks to cry for an hour? It's not that I don't consider therapy a service, therapy just seems similar to being a really good friend to a person, makes me wonder if I should be writing checks to my bestfriend as well? :)
And, no one else wants to be a good patient? I must be a freak, cause my nightmare would be finding out that my therapist would rather eat mud than sit through a session with me.
okay, okay, re-reading this, I DO have issues!
Posted by janejj on January 9, 2002, at 17:03:52
In reply to taking a break from your therapist?, posted by Lini on January 9, 2002, at 9:55:07
Hi lini,
I think its a good thing that you are taking a break. See how it goes, you might even find it easier to get better, without having to bare your soul to a therapist every week .
I know what you mean about paying. I would have to pay too and i've just graduated so I don't have any money, but even if I did I just wouldn't want to pay someone to listen to me.
Anyway you might think what i've written is crap, cos i've only been to a therapist once in my life, so i'm not well infomed.
Jane
>
> I am currently on break from my therapist. we talked about it last night, I am not entirely sure of my reasons, but I just felt that I needed to reevaluate why I was in therapy. My therapist said that she understood, which as helpful. Here's my question. . . Has anyone else taken a break from therapy and then come back? How has it gone? What was it about? For me, I think that I am feeling a little bit better and now in a position to evaluate why I am in therapy and what I want to get out of it. There are some specific things I would like to get from therapy and I just feel like a need a break to sort out what they are and articulate them. Does this make sense to anyone? One of the biggest issues I have is paying for therapy. Not because I can't afford it, but I just have this issue with paying, like it cheapens the whole thing or something. Immature? probably, but I get really offended when my therapist wants to talk payments. I have considered just giving her my checkbook and having her write herself checks. I also need my therapist to be more direct and not let me get away with copping out of things. I need to think this through more, but I feel like she doesn't challenge me (or I don't challenge myself?). Lastly, I have this overwhelming need to be "the best patient". Silly, but I actually spend time wondering if my therapist looks forward to our sessions or hates them. Am I just the ultimate freak or has anyone else felt like this?
Posted by Dinah on January 9, 2002, at 17:56:39
In reply to Re: taking a break from your therapist?, posted by Lini on January 9, 2002, at 16:00:22
> thank you cmcdougall, JohnDoenut (funny) and Mair. Glad to know that therapy vacation isn't necessarily a sign of impending neurochemical disaster. i definitely am going to take the time to re-identify my goals.
>
> Now, this "best patient" and "money" thing are indeed my issues. Am I really the only person who feels weird about paying someone fifty bucks to cry for an hour? It's not that I don't consider therapy a service, therapy just seems similar to being a really good friend to a person, makes me wonder if I should be writing checks to my bestfriend as well? :)Only fifty bucks an hour? I would love to pay that. My counselor is more expensive than any of the psychologists I have consulted. But maybe part of the problem is that therapy feels like friendship to you. Somehow I think that really good therapy seems nothing at all like friendship. Maybe you need to find a different therapist who makes therapy seem like therapy (affirming and supportive sometimes, at other times hard work and often uncomfortable).
>
> And, no one else wants to be a good patient? I must be a freak, cause my nightmare would be finding out that my therapist would rather eat mud than sit through a session with me.
>
I have no particular desire to be a good patient - a good girl definitely (that's my issue) but not a good patient. And since I'm fairly good at reading people, I know that there are times my therapist would rather eat mud than sit through a session with me. But there are times I would rather eat mud than sit through a session with him too. Then there are really good sessions that make it all seem worthwhile.> okay, okay, re-reading this, I DO have issues!
Why don't you try some reading about therapy. Have you read In Session by Deborah Lott? Or you could do some research on the different types of therapy - CBT, DBT, analytic, etc. Then you could go back to this or another therapist with clear goals and expectations.
Posted by Bekka H. on January 9, 2002, at 21:03:18
In reply to Re: taking a break from your therapist?, posted by Mair on January 9, 2002, at 15:38:58
One of the difficulties I have with therapy is an idea that comes from law, and that is, conflict of interest. I think there is an inherent conflict of interest when the person who is supposedly there to help you, and help you identify and look after your best interests, is the same person being paid to do so. What if they are telling you that you need to attend so many sessions per week NOT because you need that many sessions per week, but because they are counting on maintaining a certain lifestyle and a certain level of income? Many years ago, I went to a psychiatrist at a clinic. He was employed full time there, and he was paid on salary, so he got paid the same amount regardless of how many sessions I had per week or how many years, terminable or interminable, I remained in therapy. He helped me a lot, and I think it was the best possible arrangement (i.e., his salary NOT being contingent upon how many sessions I had). Unfortunately, many talk therapists/analytically oriented therapists have only private practices. Even if they are affiliated with hospitals and have some hospital duties, their primary source of income is their private patients. I don't know what country you live in, but here in the United States, managed care has greatly cut into the incomes of talk therapists. Consequently, patients aren't exactly crawling out of the woodwork, and I fear that this might cause some unscrupulous, unethical therapists (and, yes, there are some unscrupulous, unethical people in every profession)to take advantage of the vulnerability of those of us in distress. Often, when we are most desperate and most in need of therapy, we are also least likely to be thinking in a level-headed, clear-headed, discriminating fashion. I am particularly opposed to the idea that one must attend therapy a certain number of times per week, and if you are unable to go two or three times a week, for whatever reason (like not being able to afford it, for example), some therapists will tell you you'll never "make it" if you can't attend that often. That's one example of unscrupulous behavior, not to mention destructive.
It looks as if your therapist behaved well when you told her you wanted to take some time off. I've known therapists to put up all kinds of arguments when their patients want to take a break, and I believe those arguments, however well disguised, are usually financially motivated, especially these days. Years ago, I had a friend whose grandmother died in China. My friend told her therapist that she would not be attending her therapy sessions for one month because she was going to her grandmother's funeral in China, and because the airplane ticket to that part of the world was so expensive, my friend decided to do some travelling around the Far East after her grandmother's funeral. She decided to go to Japan, etc. Well, the therapist told my friend that she would have to pay for those missed sessions!! Mind you, this was about 15 years before the advent of managed care. Need I say that my friend never returned to that therapist again? I doubt that could happen these days. Can you imagine submitting a bill to managed care for therapy sessions missed because you were in China, attending your grandmother's funeral?
In any event, I think it is good to take time off from therapy. Sometimes it is also helpful to go to another therapist to see if they can offer a different perspective, even if you decide to return to the "old" one. But taking a hiatus is good. It gives you perspective and helps you find out who you are independently.
Posted by Cecilia on January 9, 2002, at 23:59:40
In reply to Re: taking a break from your therapist?, posted by Lini on January 9, 2002, at 16:00:22
> thank you cmcdougall, JohnDoenut (funny) and Mair. Glad to know that therapy vacation isn't necessarily a sign of impending neurochemical disaster. i definitely am going to take the time to re-identify my goals.
>
> Now, this "best patient" and "money" thing are indeed my issues. Am I really the only person who feels weird about paying someone fifty bucks to cry for an hour? It's not that I don't consider therapy a service, therapy just seems similar to being a really good friend to a person, makes me wonder if I should be writing checks to my bestfriend as well? :)
>
> And, no one else wants to be a good patient? I must be a freak, cause my nightmare would be finding out that my therapist would rather eat mud than sit through a session with me.
>
> okay, okay, re-reading this, I DO have issues!Believe me, Lini, you are definitely not alone with the money and best patient issues. I know therapists have to earn a living like everyone else, but it still feels like paying someone to care or pretend to. And on our last session my ex-therapist made it clear that she would indeed rather eat mud than sit through a session with me, her exact words were "I dread these sessions, it`s the hardest work I do all week." I paid forty thousand dollars over 7 years to be hurt like that. For 7 years, therapy was basically my life, I arranged my work schedule around it, paid about a quarter of my take home pay on it, obsessed continually about what I would say or had said in therapy, how I could get the little jewels of reward I lived for (namely, getting my therapist to say something, howerver minor, about herself) worried continually about what my therapist was thinking about me, whether she was going to abandon me etc. And it was all fake and all came to a crashing halt in one session.
Posted by Bekka H. on January 10, 2002, at 0:32:01
In reply to Re: taking a break from your therapist?, posted by Cecilia on January 9, 2002, at 23:59:40
> Believe me, Lini, you are definitely not alone with the money and best patient issues. I know therapists have to earn a living like everyone else, but it still feels like paying someone to care or pretend to. And on our last session my ex-therapist made it clear that she would indeed rather eat mud than sit through a session with me, her exact words were "I dread these sessions, it`s the hardest work I do all week." I paid forty thousand dollars over 7 years to be hurt like that. For 7 years, therapy was basically my life, I arranged my work schedule around it, paid about a quarter of my take home pay on it, obsessed continually about what I would say or had said in therapy, how I could get the little jewels of reward I lived for (namely, getting my therapist to say something, howerver minor, about herself) worried continually about what my therapist was thinking about me, whether she was going to abandon me etc. And it was all fake and all came to a crashing halt in one session.
*************************************************Thank you for that post. It was difficult to read, but so true. When I read Lini's line about wanting to be the best patient, it brought back so many memories -- bad memories -- and my gut reaction was to say, "Get a life." And now I'm saying that, but I don't mean it the way it sounds. What I'm trying to say is that, therapy can be very helpful. You can learn a lot about yourself, why you do what you do, etc. and you can learn how to deal with others; however, don't make it your life. I did that, too. That's what a lot of therapists want you to do. After all, they have down payments on their country homes, and their long vacations and their childrens' college tuitions. But what about YOU and YOUR LIFE? In addition to the financial conflict of interest, don't think many therapists don't "get off on" having their patients idolize them, flatter them, etc. That feeds into the therapists' narcissistic personalities.
Lini, do you have brothers and sisters? Some therapists would probably interpret this desire to be the best patient as your repeating a pattern of competition you had in your childhood between you and your siblings. We all want to be loved, and most of us want to be loved the most and to be considered "the best" no matter what we do. I went through that with my therapist and, you know what? It doesn't matter. Look ahead ten years and decide where you want to be. In ten years do you want to look back and see yourself as your therapist's best patient? Do you really want that to be your crowning achievement? Or, do you want to be the best at something else? I don't know what your profession is, but I'd rather be the best in my career. Don't make therapy your career. You will regret it. You will be depleted financially, and you will have nothing to show for it. If you return to therapy, USE IT. Get as much out of it as you can, but the purpose of it is NOT to make therapy your life; rather, it is to teach you how to live a better, more productive life.
Posted by Lini on January 10, 2002, at 9:55:30
In reply to Re: taking a break from your therapist?, posted by Bekka H. on January 10, 2002, at 0:32:01
Thank you, thank you. It still amazes me how helpful it is to acknowledge an issue and have people say yes, been there, felt that. I completely distrust my ability to "feel" (I am constantly misinterpreting/judging my emotions) and this board has been extremely helpful, the anonymousness of it let's me sit in my skin a bit better.
Anyway, I think that the important message for me is to honor my feelings about therapy at present and when I am ready, address what they're about. I agree with the "conflict of interest" statement. A therapist walks a fine line, because the trust and openness involved is very akin to caring about you, while the payment for services rendered is very akin to simple business (as in, if you're aren't paying, they're not caring). Why this is an issue for me is of course something for me to think about more, but that fact that it IS an issue is okay, because I think that it does present certain complexities.
Wanting to be a "star" patient, inspiring therapist worldwide is an issue for me on alot of fronts. Anytime that someone "risks" getting to know me, one of my defenses is my quest for perfection. It has worked for me professionally, academically etc, but it's been a disaster for me romantically and not very helpful for me therapeutically. Always keeping people "out" by trying to exceed my perception of their expectations of me leaves me lonely, and feeling like no one really knows me.
Alright, thanks for the "free" forum, it has helped. And if you've been terribly bored by all of this, send me your address and I'll mail you a check. hahhaha
Posted by Lini on January 10, 2002, at 9:58:17
In reply to Re: taking a break from your therapist?, posted by Cecilia on January 9, 2002, at 23:59:40
>And it was all fake and all came to a crashing halt in one session.
Man, that sounds awful. How are you with things now? Did you find that this behavior happened in other areas of your life? I am sorry that you went through that, but I too, am glad that you took the time to post. I sounded pretty painful and I wouldlove to understand better what you've learned from it.
Posted by Lini on January 10, 2002, at 10:00:25
In reply to Re: taking a break from your therapist? » Lini, posted by Dinah on January 9, 2002, at 17:56:39
>
> Why don't you try some reading about therapy. Have you read In Session by Deborah Lott? Or you could do some research on the different types of therapy - CBT, DBT, analytic, etc. Then you could go back to this or another therapist with clear goals and expectations.I think that these both are really good ideas to do before I go back into therapy (if I go back). Thanks so much!
Posted by Teva on January 10, 2002, at 20:48:31
In reply to taking a break from your therapist?, posted by Lini on January 9, 2002, at 9:55:07
>
>
> I am currently on break from my therapist. we talked about it last night, I am not entirely sure of my reasons, but I just felt that I needed to reevaluate why I was in therapy. My therapist said that she understood, which as helpful. Here's my question. . . Has anyone else taken a break from therapy and then come back? How has it gone? What was it about? For me, I think that I am feeling a little bit better and now in a position to evaluate why I am in therapy and what I want to get out of it. There are some specific things I would like to get from therapy and I just feel like a need a break to sort out what they are and articulate them. Does this make sense to anyone? One of the biggest issues I have is paying for therapy. Not because I can't afford it, but I just have this issue with paying, like it cheapens the whole thing or something. Immature? probably, but I get really offended when my therapist wants to talk payments. I have considered just giving her my checkbook and having her write herself checks. I also need my therapist to be more direct and not let me get away with copping out of things. I need to think this through more, but I feel like she doesn't challenge me (or I don't challenge myself?). Lastly, I have this overwhelming need to be "the best patient". Silly, but I actually spend time wondering if my therapist looks forward to our sessions or hates them. Am I just the ultimate freak or has anyone else felt like this?I've done that before as well, and sometimes it can be a good thing to do. Perhaps you are not getting what you need from your current therapist and need to see someone else. I had tried a couple of different ones until I found one that is a really good "fit". She keeps me on track and moneywise is quite accommodating. This is just my opinion, but I think that with your therapist, like any other service, if you are feeling that you are paying for more than what you are getting than it may be time to shop around. I was chatting with a co-worker today and she thought of her therapist as her friend - someone that she feels comfortable with, can tell anything to and not be judged for it. (Especially when they don't bring their own personal issues into your therapy session)
I hope you are able to find a solution that works for you.
Best wishes :)Teva
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