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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by akc on January 1, 2002, at 9:20:37
A new year . . .
For several months I have been determined to "turn my life around" so to speak. To "live" life, instead of just trudging through. But of course, it seems at times that life won't let me get up long enough to learn how to do things differently. And now we come upon a new year. While today is just another day, it does give a reason to reflect and plan. I gave up resolutions many moons ago because they were just another way I failed at life. But to "plan" somehow – well, that seems different in my mind!
I am trying already to do some things differently in life. I have started to get up and go straight to the exercise bike each morning, no excuses. I am turning off the tv for a few moments each day (oh, the silence – not good with that one). But the big thing I am trying to work on is my attitude. A big phrase I hear in AA and Alanon is faking it until you make it. I have become so convinced I won't make it. The episodes of this past year, there were three of them, they were very painful. And because of them, I think my spirit has been broken. Any faith I had in a higher power was broken. Any faith I had in others' ability to help me through this, no matter how talented I believe they might be, I lost. Any faith I had that I might get better, I lost. I realize I have got to overcome this fatalistic attitude. I think there is a lot of truth in that what you believe, you often become.
Since you cannot just all of a sudden believe differently, that gets me back to faking it until you make it. I've got to start acting the way a person would act if believes she was going to get better. So many times I don't do as my therapist asks because I think "why bother?" But I need to trust, and just do. This will be difficult. Inertia is hard to overcome, and I have some serious inertia to overcome. And it will be very difficult when I go through my episodes – I'm sure I have not seen the last of them.
Will this work? I am not sure. But it cannot be any worse than what I have gone through in 2001. I have just got to try something different in 2002. I'll keep you posted.
Posted by Greg A. on January 1, 2002, at 13:28:15
In reply to 2002, posted by akc on January 1, 2002, at 9:20:37
Happy New Year akc,
I wish you luck on your venture into faking feeling good. A simple step such as you describe with the trip to the exercise bike can pay big dividends. I am a regular frequenter of a gym. One time I was complaining to my pdoc that I only felt good after my evening workout. She said why not do my workout first thing in the morning and start the day with that feeling. It was all I could do to get up at 5:30 and go exercise, but I did - for almost a year. It helped. I have slipped back to evening workouts again, but your post has got me thinking about changing.
Greg
Posted by Fi on January 2, 2002, at 5:20:23
In reply to 2002, posted by akc on January 1, 2002, at 9:20:37
Just to say lots of luck.
Well done with what you are already doing (most people I know with an exercise bike stopped using it after the first week!)
Its difficult when you've lost so many key parts to getting thru life. I can only say that I havent had any religious faith for over 20 years and its not a problem for me. But the other two are harder- hope you manage to trust the therapist just a little, and allow a small element of doubt in anyone being able to help you, or getting better.
I started the year by being irritated re all the celebrations, as I couldnt see what on earth there is to celebrate. If we knew for sure that 2002 would be better,maybe. But we dont. In the end, I decided I needed to allow for some possibility that things *may* be better this year. And to appreciate that some people are more hopeful than me- and others just like a good party!
Good luck.
Fi
Posted by JohnDoenut on January 3, 2002, at 13:05:23
In reply to Re: 2002, posted by Greg A. on January 1, 2002, at 13:28:15
> I wish you luck on your venture into faking feeling good.
You know they say if you start out by faking it, anything, eventually it will become you, you will become it. So if you start out faking being outgoing and enthusiastic, you will eventually become that as your self. A good experiment to try.
>complaining to my pdoc that I only felt good after my evening workout. She said why not do my workout first thing in the morning and start the day with that feeling. It was all I could do to
>
Yea I try to do that now if I can. Its true and it works.JohnD
Posted by shellir on January 3, 2002, at 13:26:32
In reply to 2002, posted by akc on January 1, 2002, at 9:20:37
Any faith I had in others' ability to help me >through this, no matter how talented I believe >they might be, I lost. >
I might rethink this one, akc. You've asked for a lot of help on this board, and I think many people on PSB really *did* come through for you, and actually you did survive.
Happy New Year!
Shelli
Posted by akc on January 3, 2002, at 14:35:52
In reply to Re: 2002 » akc, posted by shellir on January 3, 2002, at 13:26:32
> I might rethink this one, akc. You've asked for a lot of help on this board, and I think many people on PSB really *did* come through for you, and actually you did survive.
>
I hope, against hope, that no one took this personally. Many people here have reached out to me and that is so appreciated, and I have probably not stated that enough.The problems all lie within me. And what I spoke of had to do more with my therapist and pdoc, though I saw them both yesterday and we talked about how I lose faith in a time of crisis. When I get so black as I did last month, moving me to a place of safety can be impossible, because I do lose faith. And my faith right now is still somewhat shattered -- I'm living in great fear of another mixed episode, the pain was so great, I'm uncertain how many more I have left in me.
So please forgive me -- you who have reached out to me in my time of need, I can ask for nothing more. My ability to accept that offer for whatever reason, that is my lack of faith, not your unwillingness.
akc
This is the end of the thread.
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