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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by akc on December 29, 2001, at 18:43:01
Been away for the holidays so haven't been keeping up really well with the board. I know some of you have really struggled this past week. I really feel for you this year. Usually, the holidays are a good time of year for me. I don't know if the residual effects of my last depressive episode combined with my mom's husband's antics -- but I unfortunately had a pretty lousy one.
I sit here tonight and realize I am still pretty apathetic about life. When I can get the inertia broken (like with a project at work or off my butt to a movie), I can feel okay for a bit. However, most of the time I would rather just continue to feel sorry for myself and have distorted thinking (like how suicide might be an okay option).
The difference between this and my most recent episode is that I am able to take some action (if not always, most of the time). However, I just wonder what the toll these repeated episodes are having on me. Each time I go through one, I pronounce to all who will listen that I cannot do another -- and that is not hype. It is so horrible to be in that space -- I just don't think I am strong enough. I feel that even as I learn more and more about myself and this illness I have, the weaker I become to fight it. It is like a cancer that is winning -- it goes in remission, but comes out stronger, and the drugs seem less able to work.
Anyway, I am baking a cheesecake to take to a party tomorrow afternoon -- see I am trying to do the next right thing. Just wanted to share what I was experiencing. Thanks for listening.
akc
Posted by susan C on December 29, 2001, at 21:12:22
In reply to Still apathetic about life, posted by akc on December 29, 2001, at 18:43:01
if you portioned the cheese cake into slices, no one would notice. Please? I havent had cheesecake in such a long time, Please?
thank you for your reflections. Yes, I see that, as time goes by and I become more aware, in many ways it gets more difficult...the road less traveled, so to speak, looks more interesting, but the choice to stay the course is more challenging and much, much harder.
We went out for indian food, now i smell like tandori...but i still have room for cheesecake!
Mouse begging for tidbits
Posted by Dinah on December 29, 2001, at 22:03:25
In reply to Still apathetic about life, posted by akc on December 29, 2001, at 18:43:01
Hi akc,
I am glad to hear that the worst is over for you, but am sorry to hear that things are still a struggle for you.
I understand completely what you mean about feeling weaker after each episode. I always feel like a few more cracks appear each time, and I fear that the next time will be the time I break beyond repair. Yet somehow I always do seem to muddle on. Not that this thought is an entirely cheerful one. Thank God for duty and responsibilities to be fulfilled.
Well, this post has turned out more melancholy than I would have wished.
I hope you have a very happy New Year's Eve, and an episode-free New Year. Mmm... cheesecake. You are making me hungry.
Posted by KB on December 31, 2001, at 10:31:13
In reply to Re: Still apathetic about life, posted by Dinah on December 29, 2001, at 22:03:25
I know what you mean - I was OK for the holidays (because I was in Denver) but as soon as I came home, Boom!!! Crying, eating junk, thinking about suicide . . . And I just felt like, I can't do this again.
An odd coincidence - I made a hazelnut white chocolate cheesecake for christmas dinner - the altitude realy made it rise!!!
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