Posted by akc on December 29, 2001, at 18:43:01
Been away for the holidays so haven't been keeping up really well with the board. I know some of you have really struggled this past week. I really feel for you this year. Usually, the holidays are a good time of year for me. I don't know if the residual effects of my last depressive episode combined with my mom's husband's antics -- but I unfortunately had a pretty lousy one.
I sit here tonight and realize I am still pretty apathetic about life. When I can get the inertia broken (like with a project at work or off my butt to a movie), I can feel okay for a bit. However, most of the time I would rather just continue to feel sorry for myself and have distorted thinking (like how suicide might be an okay option).
The difference between this and my most recent episode is that I am able to take some action (if not always, most of the time). However, I just wonder what the toll these repeated episodes are having on me. Each time I go through one, I pronounce to all who will listen that I cannot do another -- and that is not hype. It is so horrible to be in that space -- I just don't think I am strong enough. I feel that even as I learn more and more about myself and this illness I have, the weaker I become to fight it. It is like a cancer that is winning -- it goes in remission, but comes out stronger, and the drugs seem less able to work.
Anyway, I am baking a cheesecake to take to a party tomorrow afternoon -- see I am trying to do the next right thing. Just wanted to share what I was experiencing. Thanks for listening.
akc
poster:akc
thread:16019
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011216/msgs/16019.html