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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Sourceror on December 3, 2001, at 22:52:01
I am feeling so alone right now. I just wish I had someone to talk to. I have my parents but it is not the same. I wish I had one friend I could confide in and talk to when ever. I just feel like I wander through life and don't really live it. I have an appointment with my new T but we are just breaking ground and trying to build that picture of me and work up that trust thing so I don't feel it will be that productive. I can be in a whole room of people and still feel all alone. I feel like curling up in my defensive fetal position and just die. Why can't I break out of this shell. I want to feel better but it seems as if I will never get there. I look at this lately as a terminal disease. If this is how my life is gonna be (and that is how it feels) why not just end it now and save alot of suffering. I long for the courage to take those pills and get it over with. I want to escape from this pain. I have planned to do it three times this past week but chickened out or something came up to pull me away. All I seem to do anymore when I am not working is sleep (sometimes 14-15 hours). I hate my life and feel it is not worth the effort it takes to live. Anyhow I guess I have unloaded enough crap on ya all for now as I weakly fight on another hour at a time.
L8R,
The Sourceror
Posted by akc on December 4, 2001, at 8:44:04
In reply to Feeling alone!!, posted by Sourceror on December 3, 2001, at 22:52:01
Sourceror,
I know what you are feeling. The following stuff I wrote Friday night to one of my therapists (I do both individual and group therapy) -- I share it because it shares my feelings of aloneness. To let you know you are not "alone" in feeling alone:
"Deborah [my individual T] just called. She wants me to go to bed. I am really upset. I don't think that is coming across at all in this email. I don't know what to do. I just hate this. I just hate it. I can't explain what I am feeling. Overwhelmed. Mind-storm. So, so alone. Desperately alone. I can't be alone anymore. I can call people all day long and all night long. I can get on chat rooms or send emails. I can go to AA, go to Christmas parties, go to dinner with friends. Doesn't change the fact that I am alone. I have always been alone. Always. I grew up alone. I have been alone my entire adult life. Others might have learned to live with it. I numbed it for a long time. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe more than anything I am realizing how alone I am -- and realizing that it is not going to change anytime soon -- and looking at the reality of people's life (group) -- maybe never. Maybe I am too smart -- maybe I realize that it is hopeless. So it is better to numb than to live life with the knowledge that I may be alone forever. I can't do this. You all want me to do this and I can't. She wants me to go to bed -- I go to bed alone, again, and again, and again.
"I'm desperate. I can't keep doing this. But the solution will not come soon. So I need something to help me with the pain. But I'm an addict -- so I'm not allowed anything. I'm guessing you [Larry, one of my group T's] and Deborah and Gaye [one of my group T's] -- I might be wrong -- what, a glass of wine occasionally. Someone to hold you while you cry. Someone to hold you when you sleep. To comfort you. I have nothing. I have to do it alone. Yeah -- I get to write and talk in group. And sit with my feelings. Now I'm angry -- I'm very, very angry."Now it is Tuesday, and I'm still alone -- even after yesterday's therapy session on aloneness. A whole session on the difference between loneliness and aloneness. Don't know that I understand today (if I understood at all yesterday). People who have people in their lives -- well, sometimes I don't know if they can really understand where I come from. I just am not real happy right now -- understatement of the day.
I wish I had an answer -- for you and for me. All I can do is let you know that I am in the same boat. I hope you don't take the pills. I hope you figure this out and share it with the world.
akc
Posted by Roo on December 4, 2001, at 10:41:06
In reply to Re: Feeling alone!! » Sourceror, posted by akc on December 4, 2001, at 8:44:04
Sourceror--
I'm right there with ya! I'm feeling really alone
right now too. I have this job where I'm so damn
isolated. I work all by myself with nobody else
around. It makes me feel so alone. Sometimes I
just pace around and feel really anxious and restless
about it. It's hard to get work done. My exboyfriend
just got a new girlfriend and I'm still single. That
makes me feel all alone too. I'm reminded that HE"s
going to bed with someone's arms wrapped around him,
whereas I'm alone. Maybe I should start letting the
dog sleep on the bed with me. All of my friends are
in romantic relationships at the moment, or getting
married. ugh. I can definitely relate. But I guess
I can remember times when I've been in relationships
where I've still felt alone. It's such a state of mind.
Posted by JohnDoenut on December 4, 2001, at 14:47:47
In reply to Re: Feeling alone!!, posted by Roo on December 4, 2001, at 10:41:06
We saw this movie Amelie. If you can see it I think its a must. Its a message of hope for people who grew up alone or feel alone. Sure its a (French) romantic comedy and just a movie but you leave it feeling really good.
Well Im sure not everyone will as your mileage may vary. But I liked it enough to go see it again. On the other hand if you feel like being totally weirded out there is Mullholland Drive. :)I know this phenomenon of being with people or talking to them all day but still feeling alone, being alone. I know I get philosophical about this stuff but thats just me. We are all born alone living out life in a shell that keeps us apart from other people with an inner directive to connect and merge with someone else, other people. Aside from the need for food and shelter (clothing optional :), its one of the most basic, strongest needs and desire. Some people are good at meeting those needs, others for whatever reason are not. Sometimes you need to learn how to do it, just like you would need to learn how to plant crops or kill animals to feed yourself back in ancient times. When there is no or little connection, its like being without food, you die a little more every day. What would you do if you were in the forest and had to find a way to feed yourself? See if that analogy helps in trying to figure out how in this world you will connect with other people. But also in order to most effectively connect with other people, you also need to learn how to connect with yourself.
Posted by jane d on December 4, 2001, at 15:47:31
In reply to Re: Feeling alone!! » Sourceror, posted by akc on December 4, 2001, at 8:44:04
Posted by Katey on December 4, 2001, at 20:42:12
In reply to Re: Feeling alone!!, posted by JohnDoenut on December 4, 2001, at 14:47:47
i know exactly how both of you (sourcerer and roo) feel. well not exactly, but i can understand as much as possible. EVERYONE i know is in a relationship right now. litterally everyone. if you wanna talk about feeling alone, try making plans with friends on a friday night. sourcerer, e-mail me. shysecret89@hotmail.com lets talk. im good at talking and listening, and most people find me pretty trustworthy. just say whatevers on your mind, and tell me more about your 'plans' in the past week. k?
Posted by mair on December 5, 2001, at 16:13:35
In reply to SOURCERER, posted by Katey on December 4, 2001, at 20:42:12
> Sourceror - take Katey up on her offer, and remember that what Mark Twain said about the weather probably applies to moods too. (something about if you don't like the weather, wait an hour - or somthing similar)
Ocassionally I have what seems like out of body experiences where I am an observer of my life, not an active player. It's hard just to live "in the moment" (another shrink phrase)
You've been very supportive of the people here so I know everyone wants to help. Keep posting.
Mair
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