Posted by akc on December 4, 2001, at 8:44:04
In reply to Feeling alone!!, posted by Sourceror on December 3, 2001, at 22:52:01
Sourceror,
I know what you are feeling. The following stuff I wrote Friday night to one of my therapists (I do both individual and group therapy) -- I share it because it shares my feelings of aloneness. To let you know you are not "alone" in feeling alone:
"Deborah [my individual T] just called. She wants me to go to bed. I am really upset. I don't think that is coming across at all in this email. I don't know what to do. I just hate this. I just hate it. I can't explain what I am feeling. Overwhelmed. Mind-storm. So, so alone. Desperately alone. I can't be alone anymore. I can call people all day long and all night long. I can get on chat rooms or send emails. I can go to AA, go to Christmas parties, go to dinner with friends. Doesn't change the fact that I am alone. I have always been alone. Always. I grew up alone. I have been alone my entire adult life. Others might have learned to live with it. I numbed it for a long time. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe more than anything I am realizing how alone I am -- and realizing that it is not going to change anytime soon -- and looking at the reality of people's life (group) -- maybe never. Maybe I am too smart -- maybe I realize that it is hopeless. So it is better to numb than to live life with the knowledge that I may be alone forever. I can't do this. You all want me to do this and I can't. She wants me to go to bed -- I go to bed alone, again, and again, and again.
"I'm desperate. I can't keep doing this. But the solution will not come soon. So I need something to help me with the pain. But I'm an addict -- so I'm not allowed anything. I'm guessing you [Larry, one of my group T's] and Deborah and Gaye [one of my group T's] -- I might be wrong -- what, a glass of wine occasionally. Someone to hold you while you cry. Someone to hold you when you sleep. To comfort you. I have nothing. I have to do it alone. Yeah -- I get to write and talk in group. And sit with my feelings. Now I'm angry -- I'm very, very angry."Now it is Tuesday, and I'm still alone -- even after yesterday's therapy session on aloneness. A whole session on the difference between loneliness and aloneness. Don't know that I understand today (if I understood at all yesterday). People who have people in their lives -- well, sometimes I don't know if they can really understand where I come from. I just am not real happy right now -- understatement of the day.
I wish I had an answer -- for you and for me. All I can do is let you know that I am in the same boat. I hope you don't take the pills. I hope you figure this out and share it with the world.
akc
poster:akc
thread:14853
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011130/msgs/14867.html