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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by akc on November 29, 2001, at 22:21:05
I did the right thing. I called my T rather than engage in any self-harm behavior. I'm lonely, agitated, miserable. In group therapy, after group therapy, in my conversation with my T -- everyone states I have lots on my plate. What is it that my mother dying is the excuse that I am miserable? My family has caused me so much grief in my life, why do I have to continue to have more? Though, in all honesty, I don't "feel" this connection at all. What "feels" like the trigger to me is the loneliness and today the lousy day I had at my job -- I just seem like I am making mistakes all over the place at work right now. And the fat body I look at each day in the mirror. And the pain I still have in my knee (it was better, then something happened -- oh well, I see the specialist again next week). And the fact that I have spent two weeks trying to get my new cell phone operational. And the horrendous debt I have. Until people mentioned my mom tonight at group, I didn't think of her once today. She seems to be the least of my worries -- she is doing okay right now (still dying, but doing unexpectedly very well).
I am sick of where I am at. I'm sick of being tired all the time, having no endurance for anything. I don't do any good for the world -- so volunteer they say -- with what ounce of energy? When I am like this, I don't sleep well, but need to sleep all the time. So I drag myself to work, and when the weekends come sleep every moment I can. You should see my house -- what a pit. I am desperate to get it clean this weekend. Not only for my sanity, but for the person who I am hiring to cat sit in a few weeks -- I would be mortified if this person (or her parents) were to come over and see it like it is right now.
I hate -- just hate -- my life. I have no serenity. No peace of mind. I know cutting is only a short-term fix -- a way to calm down.
I've taken my bedtime meds -- so I'll make it this evening. And I added trazadone to tonight's mixture. So I should sleep well -- though who knows how awake I will be for work tomorrow.
I hate my life.
akc
Posted by Greg A. on November 30, 2001, at 3:23:24
In reply to I called my T, posted by akc on November 29, 2001, at 22:21:05
akc - yes, you did the right thing. Please don't hurt yourself. The relief is not only temporary - it's not real.
Funny how people in group therapy will always offer you an out. Even though they may have lots of things facing them and know that they are not the root cause of their illness, they are quick to offer the excuse to others. I guess it beats saying 'Yeah, you are depressed and even if these other things disappeared, you would still feel lousy!'
From what you say, I don't think your meds are working. You sound like a description of me when meds are failing. Possible?
I have gone through times of worrying that I am a scew up at work and that evryone knows it. It's amazing to learn that no one sees the difference. I doubt you are performing nearly as badly as what you think.
Keep us posted. Check out those meds.
Greg
Posted by KB on November 30, 2001, at 7:05:20
In reply to Re: I called my T, posted by Greg A. on November 30, 2001, at 3:23:24
I am with you, AKC - my house has gotten into such a mess that I"m embarassed to have the plumber come!
Posted by akc on November 30, 2001, at 7:20:38
In reply to Re: I called my T, posted by Greg A. on November 30, 2001, at 3:23:24
> Keep us posted. Check out those meds.
Greg,
In some ways I would agree with you on this. But in my heart, I don't think that is what is the root of the problem here. Let me explain.
I've changed my meds so often, I can't do it any more. And just 6 or 7 weeks ago, I had a period of about 2 months (with my mom terminally ill) that I was doing quite well -- not high, or anything -- but maintaining a pretty even mood considering everything going on.
My T hasn't mentioned my meds yet -- and she is also an RN as well as a therapist who tries to stay on top of the med side. In the past, when she has thought it was the meds, she has been quick to point it out and have me call my pdoc. In the 2 1/2 years I have been with this T, I have grown to trust her (well, for the most part, given my reluctance to trust anyone).
I'm not going to be quick to call my pdoc -- who will adjust my meds, probably upping my effexor as she mentioned in our last appointment because of the depression. I just don't want to go there.
I want in life for once to deal. I know cutting is not dealing. But I don't know that the meds are any better. Every bad spell we change something. Maybe I need to go through this -- maybe I need to just feel my feelings -- both my T and the T who leads group are convinced that are the root of this is my mom's illness. And that what is happening is all sorts of stuff is being triggered. And that I have never really learned how to have feelings.
So while some of what is going on may indicate a depression or something off with my meds, I am not certain. And given that no med change seems to prevent another spell in some ways convinces me of this -- especially since I have periods of stability, well I have had a period of stability this time. I don't think this is about my meds. I think this is about the fact that I am 36 years old and have never learned how to cope with life.
I miserable, yet I need to find the energy to make a change.
akc
Posted by Roo on November 30, 2001, at 8:51:04
In reply to Re: I called my T » Greg A., posted by akc on November 30, 2001, at 7:20:38
It sounds like you're both situationally and chemically
depressed. I understand and share all your issues
about not wanting to tweak your meds anymore and just
learn to feel your feelings. I have mixed feelings.
One the one hand it almost sounds like you have
cyclothymia--hence the confusion about your mood
cycles and the periods of stability combined with
the instability. Have you tried a mood stabilizer
ever? On the other hand, I mindfulness meditation
comes to mind for feeling your feelings. It's all
about having your feelings without getting wrapped
up in them. Noting them and letting them go. If you
have anyplace in your town/city that offers classes
I would recommend it. It's helped me a lot. Also
switching from a psychodynamic therapist to a cognitive
therapist helped me to handle my emotions more effectively.
I think sometimes it's actually harder to feel your feelings
when you're depressed b/c depression is so overwhelming
all you can really deal with is feeling bad. Depression
isn't the same thing as emotion, I don't think. I think
I used to think I was a really emotional person b/c
I was depressed, but it's not really the same thing. I
don't know how to explain that coherently, but when
I'm not depressed, I'm more open to my emotions. Therefore,
drug therapy combined with the meditation and cognitive
therapy helps me best. Although I won't lie--I hope
to be off drugs one day. Hard to imagine though b/c
I've been on them for 10 years.
Anyway, this has been rambly, but I appreciate your post--
I can really relate to what you're struggling with and
struggle ALOT with the same issues. I hope you get
some relief soon.
Posted by akc on November 30, 2001, at 9:50:50
In reply to Re: I called my T, posted by Roo on November 30, 2001, at 8:51:04
Let's see (by the way, part of this mood I'm in is pretty combatitive -- so I don't mean to offend -- just to comment).
I am on two mood stabilizers at the moment. Topamax and lithium. Lithium has worked well, but the higher the dose, it starts to depress my thyroid. Plus I've had weight gain problems with meds. So we tried to switch me to topamax this past summer. As we upped the dose, I started to get pretty manic, and then dove into a bad depression -- no doubts at all that was chemical (uncontrollable crying from someone who only cries at movies was a dead giveaway). So my pdoc added the lithium back in and we backed down the topamax -- it seemed to be a good mix for about 2 months.
I have a great pdoc. She specializes in people with addictions. She is patient, very knowledgeable, listens to my ideas -- we really discuss things. My only concern is that she is quick to make changes -- when all evidence is that I have not learned how to be a fully functioning adult. How are we to know if it is my meds or my inability to handle emotions if we always change my meds? I really think at least for the near future, I need to leave my meds alone (well, except I have added my trazadone back in -- I'm not sleeping well, and that is a bad thing for me always).
Cognitive therapy -- been there, learned that, try to use it. While my therapist is not a cognitive therapist, she does bring in some of that from time to time. One of the reasons I like her (and the therapists that lead my group therapy) is that they are not beholden to any one philosophy. They have developed their own style - such that it is not easily described, but such that I am very comfortable with it.
But all the therapy, all the drugs, all the 12-step work, all the work I have tried to do over the past few years -- it doesn't seem to have prevented me from getting here. Still unable to identify me feelings -- still wanting to escape the pain -- still wanting to engage in destructive behavior.
I'm really tired.
akc
Posted by Greg A. on November 30, 2001, at 11:32:09
In reply to Re: I called my T » Roo, posted by akc on November 30, 2001, at 9:50:50
akc - One thing I have learned over the years of meds and failures and depressions, is that, much to my disgust, there is no cure. (as yet) BUT, I have also learned how to shorten the bad spells, how to know when they are coming on either as a result of meds not working, or stresses I put on myself, and most importantly how to make adjustments in my life to help myself. I wish, as I'm sure you do, for a long, long period of normal. But when I consider where I was 10 years ago and where I am now - no contest.
You do seem to have covered the med issue, but I had to ask. Obviously, since you are in group, you are working on the emotional side. Give yourself permission to feel sick for awhile. Allow the process of getting better to be just that - a process and not an overnight thing. I think that's where I have gotten into trouble in the past. I am impatient with meds. I fail to notice small gradual improvements. I get immediately frustrated if I feel worse for a day. I'm working on those things.Good luck
Greg
Posted by akc on November 30, 2001, at 12:04:18
In reply to Re: I called my T, posted by Greg A. on November 30, 2001, at 11:32:09
Posted by Roo on November 30, 2001, at 12:22:55
In reply to Re: I called my T » Roo, posted by akc on November 30, 2001, at 9:50:50
> Let's see (by the way, part of this mood I'm in is pretty combatitive -- so I don't mean to offend -- just to comment).
I didn't find you offensive at all. I just don't
know you, so I don't know everything you've been
through and tried, etc.
I'm just sorry you're feeling so bad.
Posted by sar on November 30, 2001, at 12:58:16
In reply to Re: I called my T, posted by Roo on November 30, 2001, at 12:22:55
dear AKC,
i'm sorry you're dealing with this right now...
please vent all over us. spew spleen if you have to. :) seriously.
i love that you used the word "beholden." i thought that only William Faulkner characters said that.
i wish i could say something more, but i don't know how it feels to be in your place, except that i know depression intimately, and i empathize with that.
please keep us posted with how you're feeling.
love,
sar
Posted by Sourceror on November 30, 2001, at 15:22:22
In reply to Re: I called my T, posted by sar on November 30, 2001, at 12:58:16
AKC,
I can so totally relate to you and your situation (except the mother thing). I am constantly frustrated with the pdoc philosophy that they have to constantly have to tweek and tork the meds to help justify there part in my treatment and to keep sucking dry my money for therapy. I feel they are playing one big game when it comes to our lives and in actuality they don't have any more clue than we do. As for Greg's meditation suggestion, BAD CHOICE for me anyhow (RE: Mood Music). I think I am in agreeance that alot has to do with the fact that I have not learned how to function emotionally as an adult. Also, I have difficulty letting go and truely relaxing (probably why I have trouble with meditation & mood music) and when I start to get there it sets me off and launches me to the opposite spectrum of rage and pisstivity)Sorry I got off on a bit of a tangent there. To make a long story short your not alone Akc.
L8R,
Sourceror
Posted by Glenn Fagelson on December 2, 2001, at 19:09:30
In reply to I called my T, posted by akc on November 29, 2001, at 22:21:05
> I did the right thing. I called my T rather than engage in any self-harm behavior. I'm lonely, agitated, miserable. In group therapy, after group therapy, in my conversation with my T -- everyone states I have lots on my plate. What is it that my mother dying is the excuse that I am miserable? My family has caused me so much grief in my life, why do I have to continue to have more? Though, in all honesty, I don't "feel" this connection at all. What "feels" like the trigger to me is the loneliness and today the lousy day I had at my job -- I just seem like I am making mistakes all over the place at work right now. And the fat body I look at each day in the mirror. And the pain I still have in my knee (it was better, then something happened -- oh well, I see the specialist again next week). And the fact that I have spent two weeks trying to get my new cell phone operational. And the horrendous debt I have. Until people mentioned my mom tonight at group, I didn't think of her once today. She seems to be the least of my worries -- she is doing okay right now (still dying, but doing unexpectedly very well).
>
> I am sick of where I am at. I'm sick of being tired all the time, having no endurance for anything. I don't do any good for the world -- so volunteer they say -- with what ounce of energy? When I am like this, I don't sleep well, but need to sleep all the time. So I drag myself to work, and when the weekends come sleep every moment I can. You should see my house -- what a pit. I am desperate to get it clean this weekend. Not only for my sanity, but for the person who I am hiring to cat sit in a few weeks -- I would be mortified if this person (or her parents) were to come over and see it like it is right now.
>
> I hate -- just hate -- my life. I have no serenity. No peace of mind. I know cutting is only a short-term fix -- a way to calm down.
>
> I've taken my bedtime meds -- so I'll make it this evening. And I added trazadone to tonight's mixture. So I should sleep well -- though who knows how awake I will be for work tomorrow.
>
> I hate my life.
>
> akcDear akc,
I hear you loud and clear. I hope you feel better soon!
Glenn
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