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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sar on November 26, 2001, at 10:39:40
okay. what i was trying to convey in my other "vino and madness" message is that i'm worried about all of this anger and the way i'm expressing it. my last pdoc thought that i was extremely angry person repressing it all because i am full of smiles and giggles and niceties.
anyway, the hot medical student with whom i have this sex-deal with came home from vacay last night and called me up. (the sex deal is simply that i'm in charge of it and that (ha ha) we're doing it as kind of a student-teacher thing because he's 5 years older.)
i said i'd come chill for an hour. he bought us a fairly nice bottle of wine, and i sat down in the living room to kind of let him know that i was there to CHILL FOR AN HOUR like i'd said, not anything else. his roommate was in there smoking bowls and chewing snuff. i recently started smoking pot again, so i smoked with rommate-boy and tried some of his snuff 'cos i'd heard it packs a hard buzz.
hot-med boy stalked off to his room, and i didn't follow him because i knew he'd try to bust a move on me and i just wasn't in the mood, you know? now at this point i'd already drunk an entire bottle of wine at home by myself, so i was fairly buzzed, though the pot and snuff chilled me out even more.
hot-med boy came out and stalked downstairs, at which time rommate-boy said "i'm going to bed" and exited. hot-med boy came back up and strated like, *lecturing* me about how he'd bought this wine for *us* (he does pay for alot of nice wines and lunches etc) and how he wanted to see me and just hang out with me, "i *care* about you" blah blah, and into this i was just reading, "he thinks i am naive, he called me over here to fuck me and now he's pissed off--" and he started getting kinda--i don't know, i just couldn't believe the harsh tone of his voice.
then he said, "look, i could be the kind of guy that calls you up at 12:30 and kicks you out 3 hours later, but i'm not." at this point, i was inspired to stand up and try to hit him (he was sitting down). he grabbed my wrists and we struggled for a bit, and finally i got a good hit in. i tried for another one but that one wasn't so good so i put my shoes on and left. i picked up the half-empty bottle of wine to take with me but he said "that's not yours" and grabbed it from me.
so i left and began walking next door to my house when i heard his door open and he threw the bottle of wine across the lawn and shouted "there, isn't that what you wanted in the first place?" i kept walking.
NOW OF COURSE i know why these casual-sex deals don't usually work out and the guy's a *complete* asshole, but this post is really about my own anger and how i express it. this morning i thought that i should have just silently walked out of the house, head held high, but i was so mad that i had to haul off and hit him, scare him, i couldn't even preserve my own integrity because i was so pissed off and drunk besides.
how do you express your anger towards others, especially ones who say stoopid asshole things like that? i felt better for hitting him last night. got it out of my system. now i don't feel very good about it.
Posted by kid_A on November 26, 2001, at 12:16:11
In reply to vino and madness (a soberly written thread), posted by sar on November 26, 2001, at 10:39:40
a few months ago, maybe a few month ago, when i was still desperately in love with someone who i later found to be the captainess of my doomed ship of love, doomed somewhere towards the devil's triangle, we were walking in the street and she was having a fight w/ her ex and i was trying desperately for her to talk to me but she walked away from me with other friends that i knew... as i walked to her, i kicked the door of the parking garage as hard as i could... when we were walking she said "i just want someone to love me completely"... something i could of done, but remember, this is doomed love, so in doomed love there is naught but heartbreak and tears and mortigi tempo... this gigantic guy said something to the effect like "ill do that", and i shouted at him in the loudest fuckoff voice i could muster to "SHUT THE FUCK UP"... something which could have earned me a considerable beating... they all said i didnt mean it, and he seemed to be pretty jovial about it but it could have turned out all wrong...the problem is that i have anger issues, i broke a phone over the same girl, i cracked my head in a mirror, over the same girl... i hurt myself over the same girl...
i just try to watch out for myself the next time around... i cant always control the fact that im angry, that im enraged that im in a situation that im in, that i could possibly be more desperately in need of attention from someone that it is doomed to be gotten...
but time heals everything and as per usual, after everything, after every little change and unrequital, after it all i dont feel anything, and not feeling anything is better than anger, its better than sorrow, and its better than falling in love with a doomed siren...
Posted by kid_A on November 26, 2001, at 12:23:13
In reply to vino and madness (a soberly written thread), posted by sar on November 26, 2001, at 10:39:40
...and so, what im trying to say is just that sometimes you are angry, and there isnt anything wrong with anger, and some of the best things in this world were done in anger... but never use anger as a detriment to yourself. your anger is justified, i think you know that... i could have saved face by acting like a rational human, you could have saved face by just walking away, but we're pent up little machines of rage, little alcoholic machines of madness... and that is what we have to change or deal with, but so what, **F** them all, and let them all pay for their social infidelities, let them all suffer, and lets celebrate our anger with breaking glass.(amnesiac fighting for the right to riot)
Posted by Greg A. on November 26, 2001, at 13:04:23
In reply to vino and madness (a soberly written thread), posted by sar on November 26, 2001, at 10:39:40
sar,
I am offering this as my well intentioned, but semi-worthless opinion. I have no wish to judge your life, 'cause I find mine tough enough to live with and reconcile at times.
Now that we're done with the disclaimer . . .sar - you are far to intelligent to be picking fights with a mean nothing neighbour that you happen to have slept with. You knew what his intentions likely were. What better set up for a fight than going over there and ignoring him - and I don't mean ignoring him in the sense of not hopping into bed; I mean not saying what you want to do or don't want to do. Better yet, if he means nothing to you, then don't go.
Ever hear that men use love to get sex while women use sex to get love. I can see him fitting the picture. What about you?
Apologies if I lectured here, but sar, I have trouble putting the two yous I see on this board together: the one who writes such eloquent and caring advice to people in trouble and the one who does not seem to care about herself. There. I'm done psycho analyzing.Greg
Posted by Krazy Kat on November 26, 2001, at 17:02:01
In reply to Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde?, posted by Greg A. on November 26, 2001, at 13:04:23
Sar:
I think bi-polars are always "two people" - your actions don't surprise me. I got so mad at a movie theatre today that I thought I was going to start bawling right there. It was over something stupid, too.
Anger's just another emotion which we seem to have a hard time controlling. Depakote is used in rage cases I've heard.
Aren't we fun to live with? ;)
Don't deal with him again - he's taking "advantage" of your mood swings. Of course, not getting drunk would have given you more control, but it's still a problem for most sober. We really need someone who understands what's going on in our minds, as best as possible.
Once you gain more control over your moods in general, whether by meds, therapy or both, I think the anger becomes easier to manage as well.
Take care.
- K.
Posted by Kristi on November 26, 2001, at 20:04:36
In reply to vino and madness (a soberly written thread), posted by sar on November 26, 2001, at 10:39:40
Sar,
Have you thought about this in another persperctive?
I mean, like maybe he really likes you..... and was jelous you were spending time with the other guy........
I just know so many men who don't know how to express their feelings correctly and end up just being a jerk! Do you think it's possible... that he really likes you A LOT..... but doesn't think that you do?
Probably way off base... but a possibility?! Love, Kristi
> okay. what i was trying to convey in my other "vino and madness" message is that i'm worried about all of this anger and the way i'm expressing it. my last pdoc thought that i was extremely angry person repressing it all because i am full of smiles and giggles and niceties.
>
> anyway, the hot medical student with whom i have this sex-deal with came home from vacay last night and called me up. (the sex deal is simply that i'm in charge of it and that (ha ha) we're doing it as kind of a student-teacher thing because he's 5 years older.)
>
> i said i'd come chill for an hour. he bought us a fairly nice bottle of wine, and i sat down in the living room to kind of let him know that i was there to CHILL FOR AN HOUR like i'd said, not anything else. his roommate was in there smoking bowls and chewing snuff. i recently started smoking pot again, so i smoked with rommate-boy and tried some of his snuff 'cos i'd heard it packs a hard buzz.
>
> hot-med boy stalked off to his room, and i didn't follow him because i knew he'd try to bust a move on me and i just wasn't in the mood, you know? now at this point i'd already drunk an entire bottle of wine at home by myself, so i was fairly buzzed, though the pot and snuff chilled me out even more.
>
> hot-med boy came out and stalked downstairs, at which time rommate-boy said "i'm going to bed" and exited. hot-med boy came back up and strated like, *lecturing* me about how he'd bought this wine for *us* (he does pay for alot of nice wines and lunches etc) and how he wanted to see me and just hang out with me, "i *care* about you" blah blah, and into this i was just reading, "he thinks i am naive, he called me over here to fuck me and now he's pissed off--" and he started getting kinda--i don't know, i just couldn't believe the harsh tone of his voice.
>
> then he said, "look, i could be the kind of guy that calls you up at 12:30 and kicks you out 3 hours later, but i'm not." at this point, i was inspired to stand up and try to hit him (he was sitting down). he grabbed my wrists and we struggled for a bit, and finally i got a good hit in. i tried for another one but that one wasn't so good so i put my shoes on and left. i picked up the half-empty bottle of wine to take with me but he said "that's not yours" and grabbed it from me.
>
> so i left and began walking next door to my house when i heard his door open and he threw the bottle of wine across the lawn and shouted "there, isn't that what you wanted in the first place?" i kept walking.
>
> NOW OF COURSE i know why these casual-sex deals don't usually work out and the guy's a *complete* asshole, but this post is really about my own anger and how i express it. this morning i thought that i should have just silently walked out of the house, head held high, but i was so mad that i had to haul off and hit him, scare him, i couldn't even preserve my own integrity because i was so pissed off and drunk besides.
>
> how do you express your anger towards others, especially ones who say stoopid asshole things like that? i felt better for hitting him last night. got it out of my system. now i don't feel very good about it.
Posted by sar on November 27, 2001, at 15:07:12
In reply to Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde?, posted by Greg A. on November 26, 2001, at 13:04:23
> sar,
> I am offering this as my well intentioned, but semi-worthless opinion.impossible, Greg! i have always enjoyed your posts too much to deem them "semi-worthless" in any way.
You knew what his intentions likely were.
Well--ha ha--we had discussed this "deal" in length at a park over wine one day, and the one thing i stressed most was that *i was in charge,* he could not seek me out for sex, only i could do that. the humor of the deal was that i considered it this very fun scientific learning process...('cos he's more experienced)...
What better set up for a fight than going over there and ignoring him - and I don't mean ignoring him in the sense of not hopping into bed; I mean not saying what you want to do or don't want to do.
well, i just sat in his living room. i thought that was the best subtle way to enact what i'd told him: "i'll come over to chill out for an hour." and he stalked around like a pouty five year-old girl who had lost her ballet shoes. he could have sat down on the damn couch. he's a 28 year-old man, for godssake.
> Ever hear that men use love to get sex while women use sex to get love. I can see him fitting the picture. What about you?well, there was no pretense of love. we both agreed on that. i think that equation is too John Grey or whoever that tool is who wrote Men are from Mars... anyway, the first time i slept with him was a mistake. but it turned out to be a damn good mistake, he was an absolute --mmmmmm!---in bed, the best i'd ever had, and as i explained it to my female friends--PORNY DETAIL ALERT!!!--i was on a quest to have my first orgasm during intercourse and he was helping along *quite* nicely. on the side, i do have a boyfriend to whom i am emotionally attached, but he is a mere 21 year-old, a sexaul parvenue if you will, and i was being bad and selfish...
> Apologies if I lectured here, but sar, I have trouble putting the two yous I see on this board together: the one who writes such eloquent and caring advice to people in trouble and the one who does not seem to care about herself. There. I'm done psycho analyzing.thank you! i'm sorry if this message seems a bit abrupt and i hope i didn't come off as too brusque, i just wanted to clarify the situation. and i do very much respect your point of view and willingness to psychoanalyze me :), and if you've anything else to add, i'd be more than pleased to read it.
love,
sar
Posted by sar on November 27, 2001, at 15:09:05
In reply to Re: vino and madness-sar, posted by Kristi on November 26, 2001, at 20:04:36
Kristi,
no. he was too much of an ass!
love :),
sar
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> Sar,
> Have you thought about this in another persperctive?
> I mean, like maybe he really likes you..... and was jelous you were spending time with the other guy........
> I just know so many men who don't know how to express their feelings correctly and end up just being a jerk! Do you think it's possible... that he really likes you A LOT..... but doesn't think that you do?
> Probably way off base... but a possibility?! Love, Kristi
>
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> > okay. what i was trying to convey in my other "vino and madness" message is that i'm worried about all of this anger and the way i'm expressing it. my last pdoc thought that i was extremely angry person repressing it all because i am full of smiles and giggles and niceties.
> >
> > anyway, the hot medical student with whom i have this sex-deal with came home from vacay last night and called me up. (the sex deal is simply that i'm in charge of it and that (ha ha) we're doing it as kind of a student-teacher thing because he's 5 years older.)
> >
> > i said i'd come chill for an hour. he bought us a fairly nice bottle of wine, and i sat down in the living room to kind of let him know that i was there to CHILL FOR AN HOUR like i'd said, not anything else. his roommate was in there smoking bowls and chewing snuff. i recently started smoking pot again, so i smoked with rommate-boy and tried some of his snuff 'cos i'd heard it packs a hard buzz.
> >
> > hot-med boy stalked off to his room, and i didn't follow him because i knew he'd try to bust a move on me and i just wasn't in the mood, you know? now at this point i'd already drunk an entire bottle of wine at home by myself, so i was fairly buzzed, though the pot and snuff chilled me out even more.
> >
> > hot-med boy came out and stalked downstairs, at which time rommate-boy said "i'm going to bed" and exited. hot-med boy came back up and strated like, *lecturing* me about how he'd bought this wine for *us* (he does pay for alot of nice wines and lunches etc) and how he wanted to see me and just hang out with me, "i *care* about you" blah blah, and into this i was just reading, "he thinks i am naive, he called me over here to fuck me and now he's pissed off--" and he started getting kinda--i don't know, i just couldn't believe the harsh tone of his voice.
> >
> > then he said, "look, i could be the kind of guy that calls you up at 12:30 and kicks you out 3 hours later, but i'm not." at this point, i was inspired to stand up and try to hit him (he was sitting down). he grabbed my wrists and we struggled for a bit, and finally i got a good hit in. i tried for another one but that one wasn't so good so i put my shoes on and left. i picked up the half-empty bottle of wine to take with me but he said "that's not yours" and grabbed it from me.
> >
> > so i left and began walking next door to my house when i heard his door open and he threw the bottle of wine across the lawn and shouted "there, isn't that what you wanted in the first place?" i kept walking.
> >
> > NOW OF COURSE i know why these casual-sex deals don't usually work out and the guy's a *complete* asshole, but this post is really about my own anger and how i express it. this morning i thought that i should have just silently walked out of the house, head held high, but i was so mad that i had to haul off and hit him, scare him, i couldn't even preserve my own integrity because i was so pissed off and drunk besides.
> >
> > how do you express your anger towards others, especially ones who say stoopid asshole things like that? i felt better for hitting him last night. got it out of my system. now i don't feel very good about it.
Posted by sar on November 27, 2001, at 15:16:39
In reply to Re: Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde? - Sar, posted by Krazy Kat on November 26, 2001, at 17:02:01
a very wise friend of mine with whom i was hospitalised tells me (we talk on the phone nearly everyday) that i have alot of "latent anger." somehow i am only able to tap into it when i'm drunk...usually.
it was on my mind all day yesterday and i wished i weren't so weak; a guy can grab a girl's wrists and--end of story...there was no way i could get a *really* good swing in (well, more like a hit--i can't swing). i felt like he deserved this for his comments.
i always need a breather. yesterday i resolved that if he ever calls me again (ha) or tries to talk to me in the street (we are next-door neighbors) i will say: "I have nothing to say to you" and keep walking, or hang up the phone.
do you think you've managed to merge your "two selves" at all? how would you describe your two selves?
love ya,
sar
Posted by Krazy Kat on November 27, 2001, at 19:49:14
In reply to Re: Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde? - Sar » Krazy Kat , posted by sar on November 27, 2001, at 15:16:39
Sar:
I think your decision is wise.
Have I been able to merge these two selves? No, I haven't. I thought medication would do this, but I find myself still waking up a different person each day. Some days I am extroverted, brilliant and motivated. Some days I am introverted, dull, and frightened. I suppose there is less of a swing b/c of the Depakote - at least I am more aware of what's going on (except when really manic).
They say that bi-polars have these "episodes" (depressive and manic) and then are "normal" in between. I have never felt "normal" in my life.
I watched Biography - Jessica Lange last night, one of my favorite actresses (despite King Kong). When she played Francis Farmer, she made a comment along the lines of "I don't want to become what you want me to be."
"And what's that?" says the deep-throated doctor.
"Boring, regular, Normal."
Posted by sar on November 28, 2001, at 10:44:44
In reply to Multiple Personalities, posted by Krazy Kat on November 27, 2001, at 19:49:14
> Sar:
>
> I think your decision is wise.
>
> Have I been able to merge these two selves? No, I haven't. I thought medication would do this, but I find myself still waking up a different person each day. Some days I am extroverted, brilliant and motivated. Some days I am introverted, dull, and frightened. I suppose there is less of a swing b/c of the Depakote - at least I am more aware of what's going on (except when really manic).
>
> They say that bi-polars have these "episodes" (depressive and manic) and then are "normal" in between. I have never felt "normal" in my life.
>
> I watched Biography - Jessica Lange last night, one of my favorite actresses (despite King Kong). When she played Francis Farmer, she made a comment along the lines of "I don't want to become what you want me to be."
>
> "And what's that?" says the deep-throated doctor.
>
> "Boring, regular, Normal."Kat,
that's exactly how i am. i used to tell people that i'm emily dickinson by day and charles bukowski by night.
what's the name of the Jessica Lange movie? i thought it was "francis" and went to Blockbuster last night to rent it, but no luck.
Posted by Krazy Kat on November 28, 2001, at 15:50:41
In reply to Re: Multiple Personalities » Krazy Kat , posted by sar on November 28, 2001, at 10:44:44
Sar:
I'm almost positive it is Francis.
Do you watch Ab Fab? I think you would like it. New episodes are on Monday at 9:00, est, now.
- K.
Posted by wendy b. on November 29, 2001, at 16:20:25
In reply to Re: Multiple Personalities » sar, posted by Krazy Kat on November 28, 2001, at 15:50:41
Please don't rent it, though, Sar. Possibly one of the most depressing movies ever made, you don't need to see it, just chronicles her life, doesn't show us the reasons for her self-destructive behavior (quoting Leonard Maltin...). But really, it's not gonna let you sleep well, and will probably make you a little paranoid... It did me, anyway, when I first saw it in '82.
protectively yours,
Wendy
> Sar:
>
> I'm almost positive it is Francis.
>
> Do you watch Ab Fab? I think you would like it. New episodes are on Monday at 9:00, est, now.
>
> - K.
Posted by Krazy Kat on November 29, 2001, at 18:57:48
In reply to Re: movie name: francEs (like france, plural), posted by wendy b. on November 29, 2001, at 16:20:25
Is it just depressing? That's too bad. She was nominated for an oscar for it (she was nominated for many and finally got one for leading actress for... I forget what. She also received one for supporting actress.)
She was certainly screaming a lot in the outtakes I saw...
- KK
Posted by Krazy Kat on November 29, 2001, at 18:58:22
In reply to Re: movie name: francEs (like france, plural), posted by wendy b. on November 29, 2001, at 16:20:25
Posted by sar on November 29, 2001, at 20:47:51
In reply to Re: movie name: francEs (like france, plural) » wendy b., posted by Krazy Kat on November 29, 2001, at 18:57:48
i watched Frances before i got your message, Wendy. i watched it over 2 bottles of Chardonnay. i didn't finish it (getting too drunk and wanted cigs, she smokes so damn much in that movie) and walked to the convenience store. i never *saliently* knew what a "trigger" was until last night, as i walked the streets in the near-freezing cold and drizzle, shouting and crying hysterically.
but it's a great movie, and i plan on finishing it (sober).
This is the end of the thread.
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