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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sar on November 25, 2001, at 0:46:14
has he or she ever escaped your mind?
i broke up with mine more than a year and a half ago (my choice) but his name echoes in my memory and imagination like nothing else...or, i suppose, like magic that could save me if only i went back.
he treated me wonderfully, like a queen, the first true love i'd ever experienced, but i eventually broke up with him because i found him unattractive. when i think of that now, it breaks my heart even more than it did then...if his nose, lips, cheeks had been different, i'd be asleep in his arms right now.
as this new boyfriend zips me around in a little sports car, my ears are perked up for everything that's missing: the poetic compliments, thoughtful metaphors. i know it takes time, and i am young, but i can't get that firts one out of my head, and feel as if i've lost so much over something so superficial. (i did consider this for a long time before we broke up and came to the conclusion that i'd come to resent him if we stayed together, and i was no longer sexually attracted to him.)
so they say girls get more attatched emotionally...i may have broken up with him, but i miss him the most, more than he misses me, i think. i miss the one i miss the most.
i imagine that this is what it is slighlty like what it is to be old. my bones really ache for the olden days.
Posted by paxvox on November 26, 2001, at 12:27:19
In reply to your first love, posted by sar on November 25, 2001, at 0:46:14
Sar, how sad.
However, if you were *really* in love with the fellow, his looks would have become LESS important to you than more important. Maybe it was more an infatuation, or maybe he satisfied some other needs that you had (but obviously not ALL of them). You could, on the other hand, be in love with "being in love", in that you enjoy that "buzz" that one gets. I call it the butterfly effect. Yes, I know what that is like.
I will reserve other comments largely because I do not know you personally, and can not be as subjective as you might actually need someone to be to you. Have you any close female friends that you can share these feelings with? If you want me to say more from the male perspective, I will be happy to provide you with objective as well as my personal feelings.PAX
Posted by Ted on November 26, 2001, at 12:43:45
In reply to your first love, posted by sar on November 25, 2001, at 0:46:14
> has he or she ever escaped your mind?
No, not completely, even after 16 years.
Ted
Posted by Katey on November 26, 2001, at 21:35:50
In reply to Re: your first love, posted by Ted on November 26, 2001, at 12:43:45
i'm going through my first big relationship loss right now from something that was never even an official relationship. rather odd, no? its just one more issue to throw on the pile tho, so im hoping to bury it and not deal with it for a couple weeks. and no, he doesnt escape my mind for very long, i only get hour or so breaks from the aching. why did he have to be so amazing?
Posted by sar on November 27, 2001, at 14:52:57
In reply to Re: your first love » sar, posted by paxvox on November 26, 2001, at 12:27:19
Dear Pax,
you're right. i did get over his looks for awhile but never completely; what he gave me was succor, he also unknowingly pulled me out of my first serious depressive episode into something wonderful...
i loved him in the sense that he understood me completely and that was what i needed so much; i also loved him because of his inner beauty (sounds cliched, but--)...wonderful poet, very wise, incredible insight and empathy...but in retrospect, i was in love with being loved, because he was so, so good to me.
i do have a few close female friends but i feel very shallow discussing this topic with people i know in person, i think it's just terrible...
tell me your thoughts, whatever they are, i'd be interested to hear...
sar
Posted by Simcha on November 27, 2001, at 15:29:48
In reply to Re: your first love » paxvox, posted by sar on November 27, 2001, at 14:52:57
Sar,
I get into these relationships with men I find attractive at the onset, only to find out later that they are not attractive. For me this has to do with spirit.
My first boyfriend had the most beautiful sea-blue-green eyes. When he smiled his eyes just sparkled. He was born with a cleft pallet and he was still in the process of plastic surgery even 21 years after his birth. That did not matter to me. He was fun to be around at first. It was blind first love. I did not realize in the beginning that he was an alcoholic who was nowhere near ready to deal with any of his issues. The inner beauty I attributed to him was clouded with this ugly specter called "alcoholism" and alas I could not stomach another week with him.
The boyfriend after that had beautiful dark brown eyes and a wicked smile. He had an awful hair-piece (he was only 32!). He had had children with an ex-wife and I even liked his kids! I dreamed of a family with this accountant, but alas, he turned out to be an angry, bitter, alcoholic. That was miserable.
The boyfriend after that smoked, had beautiful blue eyes and a ruggedly handsome face. There was something kind about his spirit. He was over-weight but there was something about him I could not shake. He and I just did not click well enough and that relationship ended.
The boyfreind after that was 12 years older than me. He was fun, creative, a wonderful actor and a good friend. He had sparkling sky-blue eyes. He was short but had a wonderful square jaw-line and a winning smile. He was a recovering alcoholic who had been sober for nearly 13 years when I met him. We were together for over 2 years. But alas, he had many unresolved issues with food, debting, SAD. He never went for treatment for his depression. He got bitter and passive-aggressive. I had to break up with him for my mental health.
Lately I'm dating a really cute guy with dark brown eyes. He's short and slightly overweight. He's creative, a dance instructor, and very spiritual. We have a great time together. He does my laundry and my dishes when he comes over. We talk for hours about nothing and we seem to be well suited to each other. He is a recovering alcoholic. He's been 2+ years sober. I do believe he has underlying GAD. He is trying hypnotherapy and he and I have the same hypnotherapist. I trust that she will let him know if hypnotherapy is not doing the trick. I trust this man with my life. I can see spending the rest of my life with him. This is all very scary and wonderful at the same time.
I guess what I am trying to say is that the outer wrapping does have something to do with attraction but for me there has to be some sort of spiritual attraction. Once past the looks many beautiful people become very ugly indeed. Some not so great looking become more attractive as I get to know them. I'm grateful that I have grown in this sense over the years with dating. I'm not nearly as shallow as I first was when I began dating, thank GOD!
Oh well that was long and I'm sure I've caused some people to pass out on their keyboards in boredom! ;-)
Take Care,
Jason.
Posted by sar on November 27, 2001, at 23:29:14
In reply to Re: your first love -- Warning! Very long post ;-) » sar, posted by Simcha on November 27, 2001, at 15:29:48
Dear Jason,
i've had many fleeting relationships...the 2 longest-lasting ones were with the soulmate unattractive guy, and an extremely attractive guy who treated me poorly.
i think i feel guilty because i want to cry. i feel fortunate. they say i'm pretty, i do some modelling work, and i fell in love with someone with bad genes...i just lost my sex drive with this person and did not want to have children with him. the extremely attractive guy, oh i felt so lustful around him all the time, but...it ended badly.
my current boyfriend is tall (good, because i'm tall) and skinny (too skinny really, but i don't care) and at 21 he already has crows feet but to me that's a testament to how much he's genuinely laughed. i wouldn't give him a second look on the street, but he pleases me very much now...i tend to be attracted to very funny, sociable guys because i'm so sober and introverted...this guy keeps me laughing.
i don't even want to post this, ugh, but i think it's an interesting anonymous conversation: i dumped the love of my life because he was ugly. he treated me like a princess (as no one else has) but after nearly 3 years it didn;t matter because i couldn't bear to have sex with him anymore.
so. what topic does this bring up? what's most important? when your significant other becomes unattractive to you, what happens? i've always thought that sex is romance-glue...and i could no longer have sex with this unnattractive face,
sound shallow? yeah. but it's the brutal truth. i want to be crazy about someone as much as they're crazy about me. it seems really difficult to find that. the wrong people always like the wrong people.
i am putting myself to sleep on the keyboard with the vino and babbling. i hope someone understands this.
Posted by Simcha on November 28, 2001, at 8:34:07
In reply to Re: your first love -- Warning! Very long post ;-), posted by sar on November 27, 2001, at 23:29:14
Sar,
Yeah, I can relate to not wanting to have sex with an unattractive face after being in a relationship for a good long while. It really sucks and it makes me feel shallow and somehow dirty.
I think that we should let ourselves off the hook for this. I think that it is quite natural to want a good looking mate. I think that is how we are wired. (Survival of the fittest and all that.)
I have learned that sex is not glue. It can help an already intimate relationship. Yet when there is no other intimacy, sex is just sex. It does not a relationship make. I don't care how gorgeous the other sex partner is. I've found that sometimes the more attractive someone is the more shallow they can afford to be. It seems that people who are plain looking must develop other beauty that the good looking ones don't have. In my humble opinion, a shallow good looking man is much less attractive than a plain looking spiritual, creative, intelligent and witty man.
:-)
Simcha> i don't even want to post this, ugh, but i think it's an interesting anonymous conversation: i dumped the love of my life because he was ugly. he treated me like a princess (as no one else has) but after nearly 3 years it didn;t matter because i couldn't bear to have sex with him anymore.
>
> so. what topic does this bring up? what's most important? when your significant other becomes unattractive to you, what happens? i've always thought that sex is romance-glue...and i could no longer have sex with this unnattractive face,
>
> sound shallow? yeah. but it's the brutal truth. i want to be crazy about someone as much as they're crazy about me. it seems really difficult to find that. the wrong people always like the wrong people.
>
> i am putting myself to sleep on the keyboard with the vino and babbling. i hope someone understands this.
Posted by adamie on November 28, 2001, at 14:02:49
In reply to your first love, posted by sar on November 25, 2001, at 0:46:14
everything was always completely perfect. we were like soulmates. we would talk online for several hours every single day and we could never get enough of eachother. we had everything in common. we would talk about everything and know more about eachother than most anyone else ever would. we made comments such as "you are my life forevere" "I would die without you" "I will be with you all my life forever". it would be impossible for us to even argue so much as once. we had so much passion all the time. but she had to ruin everything. she says she still loves her husband despite all the horrible things he did including forcing her to sleep with his friend. he manipulated her into staying with him. saying he will kill himself if she leaves him. and she simply doesn't take my suffering seriously. she is my life, so how can i just get over her not being with me? she has done the most horrible thing imaginable. she says she will still always want to be with me but is too weak to leave him. there is no excuse for her not to be with me. all the promises we made. what she's done has nearly killed me. i have for the past 6 months been dealing with severe and at times suicidal depression. i need her worst of all and she does something like this. she i moving to a new house now. i have sent her 50 emails over 1 month. still waiting for her write back. before she said it still may be possible for us to be together. such as me living with her and her husband. she has destroyed me. he is everything to me yet she continues to hurt me so much. what part of "you are my life forever" does she not understand? i thought everything we said was 100% serious. I guess she doesn't take it seriously enough and I may be dead without her. the severe mind torture every day is so much but at least with her i could try to be livable. she can save my life. without her i am nothing :*****. how can she be so selfish. my life is at stake and she treats me this way. everything was supossed to be perfect. how dare she care more about him than me. the man who once made her suicidal. the man who treated her like shit for 1 year. she cant be brave enough to leave? then she should find a damn way. crying all day and feeling beyong horrific, the illness's mind torture and this all adding up caused me to almost have an attempt. i have no life except her. it's impossible for me to ever meet anyone like her ever. i cant stress enough how perfect we are for eachother. she agrees but she has her stupid reason. i would never insult her but i have been so close to being dead. there isn't much for me left. how could she do this to me expecially knowing my condition. just hope she will be back soon. maybe my life will be important enou=gn for her. or maybe she can just come once for vacation so i can at least die in her arms :*********. /me crying soo much
Posted by Simcha on November 29, 2001, at 7:35:33
In reply to she almost killed me » sar, posted by adamie on November 28, 2001, at 14:02:49
adamie,
What you have written disturbs me. I have hung around quite a few love addicts in my life. I've been to many SLAA meetings myself (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous). I tend to be more of a sex addict than a love addict even though therapists have told me that they are opposite sides of the same coin.
Anyway, I believe that the only thing that has helped me in this regard is to work on my own self-esteem. I realize that I am enough. My happiness does not depend on another being. I can be happy with myself. This has taken over 10 years of therapy, 6+ years of 12-step meetings, prayer, and almost a year on meds to get to this point. It has not been a quick and easy process.
I can relate to what you have written. I have been there. I think it is important that you realize that you are special, unique, and quite worthwhile all on your own.
I have benefited from following your story here in these threads. I'm glad that you walk this earth. You have helped me more that you know just by participating in this room.
Before I learned to love myself I had to rely on others to tell me that I am loveable. It's taken 10+ years to learn to love myself at this stage. I'm sure there is more growth to come for me.
Take Care,
Simcha>she can save my life. without her i am nothing :*****. how can she be so selfish. my life is at stake and she treats me this way. everything was supossed to be perfect. how dare she care more about him than me. the man who once made her suicidal. the man who treated her like shit for 1 year. she cant be brave enough to leave? then she should find a damn way. crying all day and feeling beyong horrific, the illness's mind torture and this all adding up caused me to almost have an attempt. i have no life except her. it's impossible for me to ever meet anyone like her ever. i cant stress enough how perfect we are for eachother. she agrees but she has her stupid reason. i would never insult her but i have been so close to being dead. there isn't much for me left. how could she do this to me expecially knowing my condition. just hope she will be back soon. maybe my life will be important enou=gn for her. or maybe she can just come once for vacation so i can at least die in her arms :*********.
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