Psycho-Babble Social Thread 10481

Shown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

On seriousness

Posted by akc on August 30, 2001, at 9:51:56

This incident with my mother has really effected my outlook. My mom is seriously ill. She could die at anytime. Her lungs are at 30% capacity, and are susceptible to go into respitory distress at any moment. The entire time I was out in Boise visiting my mom at the hospital, the nurses would poke, prod, stick, etc. The physical therapist would come in and get her up and moving (she was incredibly week from what happened). Throughout the night, my mom was constantly awakened for some shot, treatment, test, etc. And throughout all of this, her attitude was unbelievable. The only thing she complained about was the taste of one pill (and was a little cranky one morning when breakfast was late). You could tell that she was scared. She was frustrated that she was not getting well. But she wasn't whiny. She is a fighter.

So I have been thinking about my outlook. All I have been doing is whining. Poor me -- I keep having one episode after another. Why is this happening? Why can't we get my meds right? Why did I gain all this weight? Why did my knee give out? Why can't I do my job?

Lots of "yeah, buts." Yeah thats a great idea, but I can't because . . . Yeah swimming wouldn't hurt my knee, but I'm allergic to chlorine. Yeah swimming would be good, but I don't want anyone to see the scars on my arm. Yeah we should work on mom issues, but I don't want to get triggered today. Yeah we should work on eating issues, but I'm too tired today.

I hope this seriousness I'm experiencing is not just another phase. I want to honor my mom. I want to honor her courage. I had a good session with my therapist yesterday. I want to really work. I'm going to have more bouts of depression. Its going to happen. I've just got to trust that I will be safe -- that I have friends and a treatment team in place to help me. And I have grown up a little (finally, at 36) -- just looking at what happened this past week showed that.

I know that a lot of guilt and anger surrounding my mom still exists. That just hasn't gone away. But I have a lot of respect -- more than I have ever had. I'm very lucky that I have had the opportunity to experience this.

akc

 

Re: On seriousness

Posted by susan C on August 30, 2001, at 11:03:20

In reply to On seriousness, posted by akc on August 30, 2001, at 9:51:56

Dear hound dog,

to somehow keep a perspective, to know the path down which you travel, to say, oh, I have been here before and over that hill is a place I can soak my aching feet. One more step, one more step.

For me, a magical time happened in my thirties. I realized I had done these things before. They weren't a surprise. There is an end. Eventhough it will start again, there is an end.

You strike me as a fighter, with times that you want and need to whine. Go ahead, you have my permission. Whine all you want, then look up and shake the dirt off your nose. and go galloping off to chase after a ball.

I repeat to myself, who cares, who really really cares, how I look. Who cares what I do. How fast I do it. Who really cares.

I am getting wozzy, I am going to bed, and today I am sorting out the pantry so I have a place for my things. I want my things. I may not get it done, but I am going to start and damn it, I will get it.

> This incident with my mother has really effected my outlook. My mom is seriously ill. She could die at anytime. Her lungs are at 30% capacity, and are susceptible to go into respitory distress at any moment. The entire time I was out in Boise visiting my mom at the hospital, the nurses would poke, prod, stick, etc. The physical therapist would come in and get her up and moving (she was incredibly week from what happened). Throughout the night, my mom was constantly awakened for some shot, treatment, test, etc. And throughout all of this, her attitude was unbelievable. The only thing she complained about was the taste of one pill (and was a little cranky one morning when breakfast was late). You could tell that she was scared. She was frustrated that she was not getting well. But she wasn't whiny. She is a fighter.
>
> So I have been thinking about my outlook. All I have been doing is whining. Poor me -- I keep having one episode after another. Why is this happening? Why can't we get my meds right? Why did I gain all this weight? Why did my knee give out? Why can't I do my job?
>
> Lots of "yeah, buts." Yeah thats a great idea, but I can't because . . . Yeah swimming wouldn't hurt my knee, but I'm allergic to chlorine. Yeah swimming would be good, but I don't want anyone to see the scars on my arm. Yeah we should work on mom issues, but I don't want to get triggered today. Yeah we should work on eating issues, but I'm too tired today.
>
> I hope this seriousness I'm experiencing is not just another phase. I want to honor my mom. I want to honor her courage. I had a good session with my therapist yesterday. I want to really work. I'm going to have more bouts of depression. Its going to happen. I've just got to trust that I will be safe -- that I have friends and a treatment team in place to help me. And I have grown up a little (finally, at 36) -- just looking at what happened this past week showed that.
>
> I know that a lot of guilt and anger surrounding my mom still exists. That just hasn't gone away. But I have a lot of respect -- more than I have ever had. I'm very lucky that I have had the opportunity to experience this.
>
> akc

 

Re: On seriousness » susan C

Posted by akc on August 30, 2001, at 11:21:10

In reply to Re: On seriousness, posted by susan C on August 30, 2001, at 11:03:20

> For me, a magical time happened in my thirties.

Is there something magical about being in our thirties? :-)

>
> You strike me as a fighter, with times that you want and need to whine. Go ahead, you have my permission. Whine all you want, then look up and shake the dirt off your nose. and go galloping off to chase after a ball.

I think it is that I have been wallowing around for such a long time -- I am need of a good shake and a good chase -- I like this analogy! Thanks.

akc

 

Re: On seriousness » akc

Posted by Jane D on August 30, 2001, at 11:35:11

In reply to Re: On seriousness » susan C, posted by akc on August 30, 2001, at 11:21:10

> Is there something magical about being in our thirties? :-)
>

Perhaps there is.

I think your resolution is great. It has reminded me that I need to (and can) do the same thing. But make sure you do not confuse having learned how to fight a little harder with blaming yourself for not doing it in the past. That falls back into the trap of thinking "everything is my fault" which is just another symptom not a realistic appraisal.

Go for it!

Jane

 

Re: On seriousness » akc

Posted by paxvox on August 30, 2001, at 12:07:42

In reply to On seriousness, posted by akc on August 30, 2001, at 9:51:56

AKC,

Yes, the terminal illness and death of your mother is very unpleasant to say the least, especially when you have to watch her last days and experience her suffering. I had to watch my mom die (literally) from cancer,and that is what perhaps made me seek treatment for depression 10 years ago. I have exerienced the feelings of selfishnes for MY LOSS of my mom, and the guilt of feeling that way. I had to watch my dad get mad at my mom because she was dying and leaving him. I had to watch as the mother I knew "changed" to a personality that was NOT my mom. God only knows the horror and pain. It gets to be where you actually see death as a release from the pain and suffering (I guess that is why suicide is so high on the cause of death stats...though I believe almost all of those are ill-advised reactions to hopelessness). I guess the bottom line is your support system. If you have a religious faith, that can be a great source of strength in times like these (it can also shake those same beliefs!!!). Let me know if you want me to elaborate.

PAX

 

Re: On seriousness » Jane D

Posted by akc on August 30, 2001, at 14:14:17

In reply to Re: On seriousness » akc, posted by Jane D on August 30, 2001, at 11:35:11

>
> But make sure you do not confuse having learned how to fight a little harder with blaming yourself for not doing it in the past.

You know, there just does not seem to be any of that with this. Just an attitude of let's get with it. No more games (I think I played a lot of those). No more excuses. No more blaming. No more looking back (except, that is, where it is needed as part of my therapy).

>
> Go for it!
>

I will. Thanks.

akc

 

Mania on the rise... (?) -- akc

Posted by Krazy Kat on August 30, 2001, at 18:36:18

In reply to On seriousness, posted by akc on August 30, 2001, at 9:51:56

> This all sounds very good, but remember that manics tend to get revved (sp?) up to do too, too much then come down on themselves HARD when they crash. You sound like you have been pulling a lot together, so be sure you give yourself credit for that.

Re: cycling not stopping and having a treatment plan in place - I agree with you one hundred precent-a-mundo. Something I'm just coming to realize, and something I desperately need to do.

I'm glad this has been insightful for you. :)

- K.


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