Posted by akc on August 30, 2001, at 9:51:56
This incident with my mother has really effected my outlook. My mom is seriously ill. She could die at anytime. Her lungs are at 30% capacity, and are susceptible to go into respitory distress at any moment. The entire time I was out in Boise visiting my mom at the hospital, the nurses would poke, prod, stick, etc. The physical therapist would come in and get her up and moving (she was incredibly week from what happened). Throughout the night, my mom was constantly awakened for some shot, treatment, test, etc. And throughout all of this, her attitude was unbelievable. The only thing she complained about was the taste of one pill (and was a little cranky one morning when breakfast was late). You could tell that she was scared. She was frustrated that she was not getting well. But she wasn't whiny. She is a fighter.
So I have been thinking about my outlook. All I have been doing is whining. Poor me -- I keep having one episode after another. Why is this happening? Why can't we get my meds right? Why did I gain all this weight? Why did my knee give out? Why can't I do my job?
Lots of "yeah, buts." Yeah thats a great idea, but I can't because . . . Yeah swimming wouldn't hurt my knee, but I'm allergic to chlorine. Yeah swimming would be good, but I don't want anyone to see the scars on my arm. Yeah we should work on mom issues, but I don't want to get triggered today. Yeah we should work on eating issues, but I'm too tired today.
I hope this seriousness I'm experiencing is not just another phase. I want to honor my mom. I want to honor her courage. I had a good session with my therapist yesterday. I want to really work. I'm going to have more bouts of depression. Its going to happen. I've just got to trust that I will be safe -- that I have friends and a treatment team in place to help me. And I have grown up a little (finally, at 36) -- just looking at what happened this past week showed that.
I know that a lot of guilt and anger surrounding my mom still exists. That just hasn't gone away. But I have a lot of respect -- more than I have ever had. I'm very lucky that I have had the opportunity to experience this.
akc
poster:akc
thread:10481
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010825/msgs/10481.html