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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Glenn Fagelson on July 29, 2001, at 14:07:41
My girlfriend and I had to break up, for
reasons I won't go into now. We stopped
all connections with each other 5 months
ago. We loved each other very, very much!
My problem is this: I dream about her all
the time when I am asleep. I think about
her everyday; my heart aches for her. Does
anyone have any suggestions as to how I can
get over her?Glenn
Posted by susan C on July 29, 2001, at 14:28:11
In reply to How can I get over the loss of a loved one?, posted by Glenn Fagelson on July 29, 2001, at 14:07:41
> My girlfriend and I had to break up, for
> reasons I won't go into now. We stopped
> all connections with each other 5 months
> ago. We loved each other very, very much!
> My problem is this: I dream about her all
> the time when I am asleep. I think about
> her everyday; my heart aches for her. Does
> anyone have any suggestions as to how I can
> get over her?
>
> Glenn
I don't know, Glenn. I however, did that same thing and one day, i was walking through campus (3,000 miles away from my old boy friend) and I realized I was looking for him in the crowd. I was sure he would be there. That somehow he would magically appear. Another situation, I was deeply in love and the fellow dropped me. The sex was so great. When I got together with my now spouse, it wasnt as great, but he is a wonderful person, i thought about it years latter, and realized sex was better than it ever was then. So I got a great relationship, supportive, and sex. So, go figure. How can your memories get stuck on something when your realtime life goes on and you haven't noticed? Just more questions. Sign me confused, too.
Posted by Willow on July 29, 2001, at 15:21:08
In reply to How can I get over the loss of a loved one?, posted by Glenn Fagelson on July 29, 2001, at 14:07:41
> My girlfriend and I had to break up, for
> reasons I won't go into now. We stopped
> all connections with each other 5 months
> ago. We loved each other very, very much!
> My problem is this: I dream about her all
> the time when I am asleep. I think about
> her everyday; my heart aches for her. Does
> anyone have any suggestions as to how I can
> get over her?
>
> Glenn
Posted by mila on July 29, 2001, at 16:11:39
In reply to How can I get over the loss of a loved one?, posted by Glenn Fagelson on July 29, 2001, at 14:07:41
Keep loving her Glenn while it lasts, this will do much good to both of you. cherish the memories of the good times together. Write down your dreams and talk about them with someone. Observe, how your feelings change with time.
your story is as unique as you are, simply live it. with time some new chapters will be written. you'll see.
some day you will appreciate how lucky you both have been.
wishing you both much happiness
mila
Posted by kazoo on July 29, 2001, at 20:11:44
In reply to How can I get over the loss of a loved one?, posted by Glenn Fagelson on July 29, 2001, at 14:07:41
> My girlfriend and I had to break up, for
> reasons I won't go into now. We stopped
> all connections with each other 5 months
> ago. We loved each other very, very much!
> My problem is this: I dream about her all
> the time when I am asleep. I think about
> her everyday; my heart aches for her. Does
> anyone have any suggestions as to how I can
> get over her?
> Glenn
^^^^^^
Why, yes, I do have a suggestion: FUGGEDABOUDER, plain and simple; have you noticed how many fish there are in the flesh pond these days?I think it was sort of symbolic the way you say "loss of a loved one" which usually implies "death," and, in a way, this is a death; i.e., the end of a relationship. Did you purposely use these words for that intent?
(an icy and dicey) kazoo
Posted by Adam on July 29, 2001, at 20:27:16
In reply to How can I get over the loss of a loved one?, posted by Glenn Fagelson on July 29, 2001, at 14:07:41
I think Willow put it best, Glenn. It's a hard thing to have to say to someone, but, to use another well-flogged cliche, the only way out is through. If you feel sad, and you dream, and it hurts, that is fairly natural. If it goes on too long, and you feel you can't stand it anymore, I suspect that, while your feelings of mourning are legitimate, their profundity and intractability are attributable to depression, and that needs to be worked on as much as you can.
FWIW, I found psychodymamic approaches to be of little help for this problem, though your milage will certainly vary. What worked best for me was to not be isolated, and that required efforts that I did not, at first, believe I had the energy to endeavor. It involved connecting as much as I could with friends, and making new ones whenever I could. It was really, really hard. One thing I found especially difficult was trying to interact with people (which I knew I needed to do) without being overwhelmed by a sense of isolation from them, all of them seemingly ecstatic about life and completely fulfilled in every possible way compared to me, heartbroken, lonely in a crowded room, wanting only one thing really, and not getting it from anyone there, because none of them could ever bring her back to me.
But, eventually, these feelings will fade. It's hard to believe, but it's true. Strengthening old bonds and making new ones will become more than a coping mechanism, they will become what they are under most circumstances: mutually enjoyable and rewarding for all concerned. But don't feel guilty if at first its just a way to dull the pain; your friends know that, and want to help. You might ask them for help, even. You might admit to them you are unhappy, and lonely. I think they will understand, and will want to offer you their support.
Don't isolate yourself. Don't ignore your pain. Don't neglect your mental health. And don't give up. It will get better, in time.
> My girlfriend and I had to break up, for
> reasons I won't go into now. We stopped
> all connections with each other 5 months
> ago. We loved each other very, very much!
> My problem is this: I dream about her all
> the time when I am asleep. I think about
> her everyday; my heart aches for her. Does
> anyone have any suggestions as to how I can
> get over her?
>
> Glenn
Posted by Glenn Fagelson on July 29, 2001, at 20:50:02
In reply to Re: How can I get over the loss of a loved one?, posted by susan C on July 29, 2001, at 14:28:11
> > My girlfriend and I had to break up, for
> > reasons I won't go into now. We stopped
> > all connections with each other 5 months
> > ago. We loved each other very, very much!
> > My problem is this: I dream about her all
> > the time when I am asleep. I think about
> > her everyday; my heart aches for her. Does
> > anyone have any suggestions as to how I can
> > get over her?
> >
> > Glenn
> I don't know, Glenn. I however, did that same thing and one day, i was walking through campus (3,000 miles away from my old boy friend) and I realized I was looking for him in the crowd. I was sure he would be there. That somehow he would magically appear. Another situation, I was deeply in love and the fellow dropped me. The sex was so great. When I got together with my now spouse, it wasnt as great, but he is a wonderful person, i thought about it years latter, and realized sex was better than it ever was then. So I got a great relationship, supportive, and sex. So, go figure. How can your memories get stuck on something when your realtime life goes on and you haven't noticed? Just more questions. Sign me confused, too.Hi Susan,
Thank you for your response! I am a little
bit confused about what you are trying
to say to me.Glenn
Posted by Glenn Fagelson on July 29, 2001, at 20:51:39
In reply to Old cliche: TIME (np), posted by Willow on July 29, 2001, at 15:21:08
> > My girlfriend and I had to break up, for
> > reasons I won't go into now. We stopped
> > all connections with each other 5 months
> > ago. We loved each other very, very much!
> > My problem is this: I dream about her all
> > the time when I am asleep. I think about
> > her everyday; my heart aches for her. Does
> > anyone have any suggestions as to how I can
> > get over her?
> >
> > GlennDear Willow,
What does np mean?
Glenn
Posted by Glenn Fagelson on July 29, 2001, at 20:52:56
In reply to Re: How can I get over the loss of a loved one?, posted by mila on July 29, 2001, at 16:11:39
> Keep loving her Glenn while it lasts, this will do much good to both of you. cherish the memories of the good times together. Write down your dreams and talk about them with someone. Observe, how your feelings change with time.
>
> your story is as unique as you are, simply live it. with time some new chapters will be written. you'll see.
>
> some day you will appreciate how lucky you both have been.
>
> wishing you both much happiness
>
> mila
Hi Mila,Thank you!
Glenn
Posted by Glenn Fagelson on July 29, 2001, at 20:58:26
In reply to Re: How can I get over the loss of a loved one? » Glenn Fagelson, posted by kazoo on July 29, 2001, at 20:11:44
> > My girlfriend and I had to break up, for
> > reasons I won't go into now. We stopped
> > all connections with each other 5 months
> > ago. We loved each other very, very much!
> > My problem is this: I dream about her all
> > the time when I am asleep. I think about
> > her everyday; my heart aches for her. Does
> > anyone have any suggestions as to how I can
> > get over her?
> > Glenn
> ^^^^^^
> Why, yes, I do have a suggestion: FUGGEDABOUDER, plain and simple; have you noticed how many fish there are in the flesh pond these days?
>
> I think it was sort of symbolic the way you say "loss of a loved one" which usually implies "death," and, in a way, this is a death; i.e., the end of a relationship. Did you purposely use these words for that intent?
>
> (an icy and dicey) kazooDear Kazoo,
Thank you for your response. She went
back to her own country in Japan; I will
never see her again. For all intents and
purposes, this is almost like she has
died. And yes, I have noticed that there
are many fish in the flesh pond!!Glenn
Posted by Willow on July 29, 2001, at 21:00:13
In reply to Re: How can I get over the loss of a loved one?, posted by Glenn Fagelson on July 29, 2001, at 20:52:56
Glenn
Susan's point was I think that you can get stuck on a memory. Does that make sense to you?np = no post (or no message below, so you don't have to wait to download)
Willow
ps disregard my post above, don't mean to add to your grief
Posted by Glenn Fagelson on July 29, 2001, at 22:01:29
In reply to Re: How can I get over the loss of a loved one?, posted by Willow on July 29, 2001, at 21:00:13
> Glenn
> Susan's point was I think that you can get stuck on a memory. Does that make sense to you?
>
> np = no post (or no message below, so you don't have to wait to download)
>
> Willow
>
> ps disregard my post above, don't mean to add to your griefYes, Willow, I have been stuck on a memory,
to say the least.Glenn
Posted by Roo on July 30, 2001, at 8:54:54
In reply to Re: How can I get over the loss of a loved one? » Willow, posted by Glenn Fagelson on July 29, 2001, at 22:01:29
Glenn,
I right along there with you in the Heartbreak
Hotel. My relationship ended not even a week
ago. I'm very sad, and we too loved each other
very much. But it wasn't enough. I am left
sad and confused and scared. I can't really
understand why things had to turn out this way.
But one thing I am working on is the concept of
"radical acceptance"...just accepting the situation
for what it is, and not how I wished it could have
been. That's really hard.I hope you find some comfort somewhere today. I
know this is hard.
Posted by tina on July 30, 2001, at 9:26:40
In reply to How can I get over the loss of a loved one?, posted by Glenn Fagelson on July 29, 2001, at 14:07:41
>Glenn
I don't think you ever "get over it" you just learn to live with it. It becomes part of the history of your life and you eventually accept it and move on. Getting over it would entail forgetting and I don't think that's possible.
my wishes for a strong heart and a new day
TMy girlfriend and I had to break up, for
> reasons I won't go into now. We stopped
> all connections with each other 5 months
> ago. We loved each other very, very much!
> My problem is this: I dream about her all
> the time when I am asleep. I think about
> her everyday; my heart aches for her. Does
> anyone have any suggestions as to how I can
> get over her?
>
> Glenn
Posted by Willow on July 30, 2001, at 10:15:09
In reply to Re: How can I get over the loss of a loved one?, posted by tina on July 30, 2001, at 9:26:40
> >Glenn
> I don't think you ever "get over it" you just learn to live with it. It becomes part of the history of your life and you eventually accept it and move on. Getting over it would entail forgetting and I don't think that's possible.
> my wishes for a strong heart and a new day
> T
>
> My girlfriend and I had to break up, for
> > reasons I won't go into now. We stopped
> > all connections with each other 5 months
> > ago. We loved each other very, very much!
> > My problem is this: I dream about her all
> > the time when I am asleep. I think about
> > her everyday; my heart aches for her. Does
> > anyone have any suggestions as to how I can
> > get over her?
> >
> > Glenn
Posted by susan C on July 30, 2001, at 13:35:09
In reply to Re: How can I get over the loss of a loved one? » susan C, posted by Glenn Fagelson on July 29, 2001, at 20:50:02
> > > My girlfriend and I had to break up, for
> > > reasons I won't go into now. We stopped
> > > all connections with each other 5 months
> > > ago. We loved each other very, very much!
> > > My problem is this: I dream about her all
> > > the time when I am asleep. I think about
> > > her everyday; my heart aches for her. Does
> > > anyone have any suggestions as to how I can
> > > get over her?
> > >
> > > Glenn
> > I don't know, Glenn. I however, did that same thing and one day, i was walking through campus (3,000 miles away from my old boy friend) and I realized I was looking for him in the crowd. I was sure he would be there. That somehow he would magically appear. Another situation, I was deeply in love and the fellow dropped me. The sex was so great. When I got together with my now spouse, it wasnt as great, but he is a wonderful person, i thought about it years latter, and realized sex was better than it ever was then. So I got a great relationship, supportive, and sex. So, go figure. How can your memories get stuck on something when your realtime life goes on and you haven't noticed? Just more questions. Sign me confused, too.
>
> Hi Susan,
>
> Thank you for your response! I am a little
> bit confused about what you are trying
> to say to me.
>
> GlennHi Glenn,
I guess that is either just how I write, or just how I respond to your posts. I think I am saying nothing in particular, just sharing experiences from my life that I am reminded of when you ask your question(s). Sometimes I think this board is a stream of consciousness elicitator. And sometimes I don't think I write very well. Just know, no matter what I write, I hope you are ok. My intentions are good even if what I write doesn't make sense.
Posted by Glenn Fagelson on July 30, 2001, at 18:07:56
In reply to Re: How can I get over the loss of a loved one?, posted by Roo on July 30, 2001, at 8:54:54
> Glenn,
>
> I right along there with you in the Heartbreak
> Hotel. My relationship ended not even a week
> ago. I'm very sad, and we too loved each other
> very much. But it wasn't enough. I am left
> sad and confused and scared. I can't really
> understand why things had to turn out this way.
> But one thing I am working on is the concept of
> "radical acceptance"...just accepting the situation
> for what it is, and not how I wished it could have
> been. That's really hard.
>
> I hope you find some comfort somewhere today. I
> know this is hard.I am so sorry, Roo, that your relationship
just ended. I know how painful that can
be. If you need to talk about it at
anytime, please feel free to contact me.
Thank you for your response!Glenn
Posted by Glenn Fagelson on July 30, 2001, at 18:09:43
In reply to Re: How can I get over the loss of a loved one?, posted by tina on July 30, 2001, at 9:26:40
> >Glenn
> I don't think you ever "get over it" you just learn to live with it. It becomes part of the history of your life and you eventually accept it and move on. Getting over it would entail forgetting and I don't think that's possible.
> my wishes for a strong heart and a new day
> TThank you for responding, Tina!
>
> My girlfriend and I had to break up, for
> > reasons I won't go into now. We stopped
> > all connections with each other 5 months
> > ago. We loved each other very, very much!
> > My problem is this: I dream about her all
> > the time when I am asleep. I think about
> > her everyday; my heart aches for her. Does
> > anyone have any suggestions as to how I can
> > get over her?
> >
> > Glenn
Posted by Glenn Fagelson on July 30, 2001, at 18:11:55
In reply to Re: How can I get over the loss of a loved one?, posted by susan C on July 30, 2001, at 13:35:09
> > > > My girlfriend and I had to break up, for
> > > > reasons I won't go into now. We stopped
> > > > all connections with each other 5 months
> > > > ago. We loved each other very, very much!
> > > > My problem is this: I dream about her all
> > > > the time when I am asleep. I think about
> > > > her everyday; my heart aches for her. Does
> > > > anyone have any suggestions as to how I can
> > > > get over her?
> > > >
> > > > Glenn
> > > I don't know, Glenn. I however, did that same thing and one day, i was walking through campus (3,000 miles away from my old boy friend) and I realized I was looking for him in the crowd. I was sure he would be there. That somehow he would magically appear. Another situation, I was deeply in love and the fellow dropped me. The sex was so great. When I got together with my now spouse, it wasnt as great, but he is a wonderful person, i thought about it years latter, and realized sex was better than it ever was then. So I got a great relationship, supportive, and sex. So, go figure. How can your memories get stuck on something when your realtime life goes on and you haven't noticed? Just more questions. Sign me confused, too.
> >
> > Hi Susan,
> >
> > Thank you for your response! I am a little
> > bit confused about what you are trying
> > to say to me.
> >
> > Glenn
>
> Hi Glenn,
> I guess that is either just how I write, or just how I respond to your posts. I think I am saying nothing in particular, just sharing experiences from my life that I am reminded of when you ask your question(s). Sometimes I think this board is a stream of consciousness elicitator. And sometimes I don't think I write very well. Just know, no matter what I write, I hope you are ok. My intentions are good even if what I write doesn't make sense.Thank you, Susan!
This is the end of the thread.
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