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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by AKC on July 12, 2001, at 17:31:21
I was really excited a few weeks ago when I found you all. But like so many places in my life, I feel like I am just on the edge. It is funny - I am doing better emotionally, but I have had a wave of sadness come over me that is really, really strong - it's the aloneness thing. Somedays I just want to be alone, but other days it just about kills me. It's about time for my group therapy, so I won't be alone this evening - plus I am seeing an old friend. But this board is driving me nuts - I want to belong - but I sure don't seem to be fitting in. It's like AA and Alanon - so many folks are long time friends - I am just on the edge - a hangeron person. You hold back, knowing you can't try too hard - that will drive more away than draw them towards you - there is some fine line to walk that I never can seem to see.
Posted by dreamer on July 12, 2001, at 18:14:11
In reply to It's really bad when you can't even fit in, posted by AKC on July 12, 2001, at 17:31:21
> I was really excited a few weeks ago when I found you all. But like so many places in my life, I feel like I am just on the edge. It is funny - I am doing better emotionally, but I have had a wave of sadness come over me that is really, really strong - it's the aloneness thing. Somedays I just want to be alone, but other days it just about kills me. It's about time for my group therapy, so I won't be alone this evening - plus I am seeing an old friend. But this board is driving me nuts - I want to belong - but I sure don't seem to be fitting in. It's like AA and Alanon - so many folks are long time friends - I am just on the edge - a hangeron person. You hold back, knowing you can't try too hard - that will drive more away than draw them towards you - there is some fine line to walk that I never can seem to see.
Hi There,
I'll try to think while I post, my mind wanders.
Also think this board has replaced social
-real interactions must seem a obsession at the mo. Anyway, be yourself write anything if noone replies don't worry .
Hey I'll reply .I'm hypormanic lately so could scribble nonsensical stuff.
I don't fit in anywhere, except my shoes.
Posted by mist on July 12, 2001, at 19:56:28
In reply to It's really bad when you can't even fit in, posted by AKC on July 12, 2001, at 17:31:21
AKC -In what way do you feel you don't fit in?
I think you’re a good addition to the board.
-mist
> I was really excited a few weeks ago when I found you all. But like so many places in my life, I feel like I am just on the edge. It is funny - I am doing better emotionally, but I have had a wave of sadness come over me that is really, really strong - it's the aloneness thing. Somedays I just want to be alone, but other days it just about kills me. It's about time for my group therapy, so I won't be alone this evening - plus I am seeing an old friend. But this board is driving me nuts - I want to belong - but I sure don't seem to be fitting in. It's like AA and Alanon - so many folks are long time friends - I am just on the edge - a hangeron person. You hold back, knowing you can't try too hard - that will drive more away than draw them towards you - there is some fine line to walk that I never can seem to see.
Posted by AKC on July 12, 2001, at 20:16:27
In reply to Re: It's really bad when you can't even fit in » AKC, posted by dreamer on July 12, 2001, at 18:14:11
> I don't fit in anywhere, except my shoes.
Great line - I will definitely use it.
I decided at group tonight that I grew up not even fitting into my family - so not fitting in here is just par for the course (we talked about how some of us thought our actions were responsible for all the bad things that happened, while others of us, myself included, didn't feel noticed at all, unless we did something to bring the attention - something I continue to do to this day).
Thanks for responding (and you also mist!).
Posted by Willow on July 12, 2001, at 22:11:01
In reply to Re: It's really bad when you can't even fit in » dreamer, posted by AKC on July 12, 2001, at 20:16:27
American Kennel Club
I have to second Mist's post. I find that I jump into a thread and then it dies more often than not. I guess it could feel like talking at a dinner party and then complete silence after my comment. It really sucks here because I even get a chance to edit (which I rarely bother though) and I can still kill the conservation.I've spent most of my life figuring that the world is here for my pleasure. I'm a slow bloomer. It's sucks when reality sets in. Reminds me of the John Cougar song, "Life goes on long after the thrill is gone." When I first heard it I was younger, but now it keeps popping into my head, unwelcome.
Whispering Willow
Posted by JennyR on July 12, 2001, at 22:43:39
In reply to It's really bad when you can't even fit in, posted by AKC on July 12, 2001, at 17:31:21
There are no criteria to fitting in here. You can post anytime you want, or respond when you want. We are a diverse group, so there's no one way to be to "fit in." Welcome.
Posted by shelliR on July 12, 2001, at 22:50:05
In reply to It's really bad when you can't even fit in, posted by AKC on July 12, 2001, at 17:31:21
AKC,
I read your post this morning to Sar. I am also feeling very concerned, and was very glad that you expressed it. Often connections are not obvious on this board, e.g., I connected with you this morning, but you had no way of knowing. You do belong because you participate. I've learned that it's best to participate on this board with very few expectations; that way each personal connection is a nice gift.
Shelli
p.s. Sar, if you're still reading the board, please let us know how you're doing.
Posted by kid_A on July 12, 2001, at 23:37:45
In reply to Re: It's really bad when you can't even fit in » AKC, posted by shelliR on July 12, 2001, at 22:50:05
Don't worry about fitting in, nothing fits, its our preconceived notions of fitting in that really dont fit.Dont underestimate what you can contribute in just a few words... You contribute just by being yourself, dont ever be anyone else.
Posted by Anna Laura on July 13, 2001, at 4:41:21
In reply to It's really bad when you can't even fit in, posted by AKC on July 12, 2001, at 17:31:21
> I was really excited a few weeks ago when I found you all. But like so many places in my life, I feel like I am just on the edge. It is funny - I am doing better emotionally, but I have had a wave of sadness come over me that is really, really strong - it's the aloneness thing. Somedays I just want to be alone, but other days it just about kills me. It's about time for my group therapy, so I won't be alone this evening - plus I am seeing an old friend. But this board is driving me nuts - I want to belong - but I sure don't seem to be fitting in. It's like AA and Alanon - so many folks are long time friends - I am just on the edge - a hangeron person. You hold back, knowing you can't try too hard - that will drive more away than draw them towards you - there is some fine line to walk that I never can seem to see.
AKC, i don't perceive you like being disconnected from me or some other people on this board. I feel like you're deeply partecipating in this forum instead. May be you got this feeling because depression makes you feel disconnected from your emotions/feelings. But that doesn't imply your emotion/involvement it's not there: it's just much harder for you perceive it. The other people might feel that even if you don't.
I 'm having an hard time myself because of the very same problem you seem to have.
I'm always complaining about not being emotionally involved enough with my actual fianceé; he says he actually feels i love him, even if i'm "feeling" disconnected from him, from friends and any other people. A friend of mine told me the other day: "you're so intense !". i was amazed i couldn't feel that way while the other people did. "How did i manage to touch the other people hearts?" - I wondered. Don't really know the answer. I'm feeling disconnected and my friends notice my emotions while i fail to distinguish them.
Strange thing is that i used to be much more connected/involved when i was sicker, (see my previous post on love and depresssion).
As long as depression symptoms subsided, my anhedonia/disconnection grew worse.
I can't say i'm depressed right now, but i feel like uncapable of feelings emotions as i used to. It's like there's a thick, transparent layer between me and the world outside, it's like not being here, watching the world form a glass window. I think this what anhedonia is about.
Sometimes i think i feel something but my emotions/sensations are blunted....still, i can feel again if i get shocked or scared: i just need a strong emotion to shake me off enough to feel something (but the emotions are'n strong as they used to be, i'm always kind of numb anyway). I feel lonely too at times, especially when the thick veil that separetes me from the world falls down.
O.K., what i'm about to tell might sound very silly, but i think it indicates the way i feel.(and perhaps you guys on the board can understand that, AKC included).
Well, I've two kittens now, they're just two months old and i feel guilty as a mother can be because i believe i don't love them enough.
The other night i was watching tv; my fianceé told me all of a sudden:" the kittens are vanished"; I answered "i don't give a damn about them, let me watch tv: go ahead and look for them if you want to, i'm staying here". He went looking for them.
He came back after five minutes saying: they're gone, can't find them!! In that moment i realized i left a window open (we're on the fourth floor of a building apartment). I started to feel desperate, i was scared they had died falling from the open window. As minutes went by i felt more and more desperate. Then, all of a sudden i heard a tiny little noise, it was a "meow "coming from above: the kittens had jumped up in to the small loom besides the kitchen and were too scared to jump back down because it was way too high for them.
In that very moment the veil fell down and i realized i loved them (still a blunted feeling, but it made me realize i was not so uncaring as i thought).
Posted by AKC on July 13, 2001, at 6:40:13
In reply to not fitting in=being disconnected/being numb?, posted by Anna Laura on July 13, 2001, at 4:41:21
I think a lot of my reaction yesterday came from being very tired - and alot has to do with some of the reactions I get when I post over on Psycho-Babble proper. Or my reactions to posts over there - take this morning - someone has posted about Noonday Demon - about this great find - I want to protest - that was MY FIND - like dangit - look over here - the book has been out for two months and I brought it to this board, thank you very much - how dare you take credit.
I very much appreciate everyones comments. I needed desperately the validation. I was having a very low moment. Between the ahah moment I had at group therapy last night and all of the words you have shared, this morning is starting out much better (plus my meds have been upped - a good thing!).
More later.
Your hound dog!
Posted by Willow on July 13, 2001, at 13:05:12
In reply to A bad day, posted by AKC on July 13, 2001, at 6:40:13
Canada lost it's bid for the Olympics again. I say we can't afford all this extravaganza. Instead I propose to host a "howling" contest. Categories: longest howl, most authentic -(coonhound, beagle, wolf, coyote, and mongrel,) loudest howl, most pathetic howl, happiest yip, and the scariest growl.
No medals will be awarded, just applause, laughter and dicouragement from next door.
All that is required to enter will be participation and thick skin. My neighbour informed me that the mosquitos must be wearing winter coats and as a result are acclimatizing to our cooler weather. Deer and horse flies are plentiful but maybe the howling will scare them away.
Bring a comfortable chair if desired. Entry is guaranteed into the country if you have a six pack of your favourite beer. Painted toenails will be equvialent to using steroids.
Willow
Posted by Ted on July 13, 2001, at 14:21:29
In reply to It's really bad when you can't even fit in, posted by AKC on July 12, 2001, at 17:31:21
I don't even try to fit in. I never did anywhere in the past, so why should this place be any different? I always "did my own thing" and ignored such things as peer pressure and conformism. I'm wierd, I know it, and I don't care.
TedBTW: My wife is as wierd as me, only different, and she too ignored peer pressure and conformism.
Posted by AKC on July 13, 2001, at 15:34:29
In reply to Re: It's really bad when you can't even fit in, posted by Ted on July 13, 2001, at 14:21:29
> I'm wierd, I know it, and I don't care.
>
>
> Ted
I'm chatty today.I'll never forget a friend of mine from high school who gave me a card on my 16th birthday that said on the outside - "You're Weird" - then on the inside "But a Nice Weird, Happy Birthday"
I loved it and took it to heart!
Posted by kid_A on July 13, 2001, at 16:04:22
In reply to Contest ..., posted by Willow on July 13, 2001, at 13:05:12
"I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix, angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night"
Posted by geekUK on July 13, 2001, at 16:18:16
In reply to Re: Contest ... Here is my (plagerised) Howl » Willow, posted by kid_A on July 13, 2001, at 16:04:22
>
I like the bit when He speaks of a guy jumping of a bridge, getting washed back in and not even getting a beer! thats bad luck.
Some times to make byself feel like god in the flesh I read that- sadly I always return to gods illegitimate son.
burrows, (as I may have mensioned) is my ab. fav. Learnt recently he cut the entire last bone off his left index once....Bit hard to do it twice I suppose......Big respect for him for that, although most wont see why.+ anyone who shoots his wife and then forgets about it for a few years then remembers and has a breackdown is more interesting than jackie collins or tom clancy.
Posted by susan C on July 13, 2001, at 19:13:44
In reply to It's really bad when you can't even fit in, posted by AKC on July 12, 2001, at 17:31:21
I once had a dream - My brother (suicided at 28) and my father (siezure disorder? major face pain) died of cancer at 59 were out it the middle of a field. The rest of my family was on the other side of the fence, looking out at those two. I was on the fence, in between. That dream has been a theme of my life. In between-on the fence, close to my 'second older' brother and close to my father. Everybody looking at them. They had the problems. Thank you for your posts. this one and the one about ethics have been excellent. The whole process of this message board gets me thinking about things that I wouldn't consider...I would probably just be reading detective novels...or watching tv.
> I was really excited a few weeks ago when I found you all. But like so many places in my life, I feel like I am just on the edge. It is funny - I am doing better emotionally, but I have had a wave of sadness come over me that is really, really strong - it's the aloneness thing. Somedays I just want to be alone, but other days it just about kills me. It's about time for my group therapy, so I won't be alone this evening - plus I am seeing an old friend. But this board is driving me nuts - I want to belong - but I sure don't seem to be fitting in. It's like AA and Alanon - so many folks are long time friends - I am just on the edge - a hangeron person. You hold back, knowing you can't try too hard - that will drive more away than draw them towards you - there is some fine line to walk that I never can seem to see.
Posted by Rach on July 14, 2001, at 4:58:29
In reply to Re: It's really bad when you can't even fit in » dreamer, posted by AKC on July 12, 2001, at 20:16:27
"while others of us, myself included, didn't feel noticed at all, unless we did something to bring the attention"
I wonder if this could be me? I don't seem to be able to grasp any solid reasons to my depression, which seems to be coming and going in irregular tides.
I was the middle child, and everything I did my younger sister copied, and did it better than I did. Then I had a friend in high school who did the same thing. I wonder if I feel I need tragedy to be noticed?
This is the end of the thread.
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