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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by TomV on October 11, 2000, at 13:35:00
Does anyone prefer one over the other? For what reasons? I've had both and come to realize that the men never gave me any credit for going through this difficult journey. My current female therapist was very supportive about my struggles, which made me feel good about myself for the first time in years!
Anyway, anyone have anything else to say?
Posted by Mark H. on October 11, 2000, at 15:05:05
In reply to Who is better, male or female therapist?, posted by TomV on October 11, 2000, at 13:35:00
Notwithstanding the title of your posting, you have identified an interesting issue that deserves an answer broader than the question you asked.
Rather than limit it to male vs female, one might ask what style is most effective for what type of personality, since both men and women can be tough and make you work or provide a softer environment to encourage self-healing.
For the most actively wounded and those lacking in firm ego boundaries, the soft, nurturing approach can be effective, at least until a stronger sense of self and greater emotional independence develops. On the other hand, some people choose this type of therapist because they have no intention of changing and simply want to feel good about themselves for an hour once a week.
For those who are ready to change (and to practice daily what they learn), the tougher therapist may offer more rapid growth and independence.
It depends a lot on your goals in therapy. If you want to clean up your relationships, learn to make and keep clear agreements, develop integrity, improve your social and work skills, then a tougher therapist may help you get there more quickly than a softer one.
There is nothing wrong with feeling good about yourself unless, of course, it is inappropriate. And hopefully, a good therapist will be able to balance nurturing with necessary toughness and not have to be one or the other.
What are your goals for therapy? Do you manipulate your therapist(s)? Are you getting your money's worth? How have you changed as a result of therapy?
I hope some of these questions and observations are useful to you.
Best wishes,
Mark H.
Posted by shar on October 11, 2000, at 15:41:51
In reply to Re: Tough vs Soft Therapeutic Styles, posted by Mark H. on October 11, 2000, at 15:05:05
Mark wrote >
since both men and women can be tough and make you work or provide a softer environment to encourage self-healing.-- > I believe a good therapist will be able to be tough and softer, help you work, help you heal yourself, fight with you, not let you fool yourself, and nurture you. And will be able to do each at the most appropriate times.
BTW I am in a group now, but have also had individual with my therapist.
My therapist can be sympathetic, acknowledge wounds and offer love, encouraging (pointing out a change or shift in a healthier direction), very directive, wants to know when we are mad as hell at her (which I am right now) and why, tough as nails, etc.
So, really, she isn't always soft or tough. She is always honest, always willing to work, wants us to work, and will not abandon (me).
I would look for a combination, someone versatile, who continues their education, studies with other colleagues. Male or female doesn't necessarily matter, but I do think different issues will come up from time to time based on therapist gender because they represent the male or female authority figure in our lives, and we will have issues specific to those.
Shar
Posted by Thomas W on October 13, 2000, at 12:08:11
In reply to Who is better, male or female therapist?, posted by TomV on October 11, 2000, at 13:35:00
> Does anyone prefer one over the other? For what reasons? I've had both and come to realize that the men never gave me any credit for going through this difficult journey. My current female therapist was very supportive about my struggles, which made me feel good about myself for the first time in years!
>
> Anyway, anyone have anything else to say?You raise an issue that I too am pondering. I've
been working with a male counselor for a while and we are winding down I
think cause we've gone thru the "whole 9 yards". I was
thinking of maybe seeking a female to see what kind
of perspective it would bring. I tend to be able to
talk to females better about things, don't know why.
I'm considering trying one. The observations that
the others have made are excellent. I'm not a very
assertive person, so I don't know what I need.thx
Posted by Cindy W on October 13, 2000, at 22:34:11
In reply to Re: Tough vs Soft Therapeutic Styles, posted by Mark H. on October 11, 2000, at 15:05:05
> Notwithstanding the title of your posting, you have identified an interesting issue that deserves an answer broader than the question you asked.
>
> Rather than limit it to male vs female, one might ask what style is most effective for what type of personality, since both men and women can be tough and make you work or provide a softer environment to encourage self-healing.
>
> For the most actively wounded and those lacking in firm ego boundaries, the soft, nurturing approach can be effective, at least until a stronger sense of self and greater emotional independence develops. On the other hand, some people choose this type of therapist because they have no intention of changing and simply want to feel good about themselves for an hour once a week.
>
> For those who are ready to change (and to practice daily what they learn), the tougher therapist may offer more rapid growth and independence.
>
> It depends a lot on your goals in therapy. If you want to clean up your relationships, learn to make and keep clear agreements, develop integrity, improve your social and work skills, then a tougher therapist may help you get there more quickly than a softer one.
>
> There is nothing wrong with feeling good about yourself unless, of course, it is inappropriate. And hopefully, a good therapist will be able to balance nurturing with necessary toughness and not have to be one or the other.
>
> What are your goals for therapy? Do you manipulate your therapist(s)? Are you getting your money's worth? How have you changed as a result of therapy?
>
> I hope some of these questions and observations are useful to you.
>
> Best wishes,
>
> Mark H.
Mark H., found your comments interesting, about nurturing vs. tough therapists. I think I prefer a therapist who is flexible enough to be both, when it's appropriate. I HOPE I'm not manipulating him so I won't change, although I admit my change has probably seemed glacial to him. This is the very first time I've ever been completely honest with a therapist and have found it scary but comforting to be accepted for who I am (imperfections and problems and all)
Posted by Cindy W on October 13, 2000, at 22:39:10
In reply to Re: Who is better, male or female therapist?, posted by Thomas W on October 13, 2000, at 12:08:11
> > Does anyone prefer one over the other? For what reasons? I've had both and come to realize that the men never gave me any credit for going through this difficult journey. My current female therapist was very supportive about my struggles, which made me feel good about myself for the first time in years!
> >
> > Anyway, anyone have anything else to say?
>
> You raise an issue that I too am pondering. I've
> been working with a male counselor for a while and we are winding down I
> think cause we've gone thru the "whole 9 yards". I was
> thinking of maybe seeking a female to see what kind
> of perspective it would bring. I tend to be able to
> talk to females better about things, don't know why.
> I'm considering trying one. The observations that
> the others have made are excellent. I'm not a very
> assertive person, so I don't know what I need.
>
> thx
TomV and Thomas W, I have had both female and male therapists. Both have been helpful. Personally, I prefer a male therapist, since I can work out things that are bothering me having to do with relationships much better when I develop a trust and transference with a male therapist. I must say that my current therapist is the only one with whom I've been completely truthful, and I'm not sure why. I want so badly to change, but it's so very scary at the same time, and am really hoping he can break me free from my paralysis and lack of action in my life. Making decisions is very hard for me, esp. when the decisions involve life changes (just deciding what to eat for breakfast and what to wear to work takes me a long time; deciding whether to get a divorce is taking infinitely longer since the stakes are much higher and much more is involved). Having a male therapist helps me to get a perspective on this issue as well as to work out some relationship issues that I never resolved in my marriage; hopefully, I won't make the same mistakes in the future, in other relationships. The hard part though of having a male therapist is that I have such a crush on him; I don't think that would happen with a woman therapist.
Posted by mist on October 14, 2000, at 15:36:35
In reply to Who is better, male or female therapist?, posted by TomV on October 11, 2000, at 13:35:00
No matter what, it's important that your therapist treat you with respect and kindness (especially for depressed people). There is no excuse for a therapist treating anyone with coldness or veiled put-downs designed to maintain control by the therapist. I think some therapists do this under the guise of being "tough." They're basically incredibly skill-less. In my opinion, male therapists are more likely to do that then female ones. Genuine warmth and appreciation of who the client is--their positive personal qualities--can be very healing, I suspect often more so than any amount of analyzing of the client's problems. Among other things, that type of approach helps to build self-esteem, creates trust, and makes dealing with negatives (in a skillfull and respectful way) easier.
Posted by Rzip on October 14, 2000, at 22:36:53
In reply to Re: Who is better, male or female therapist?, posted by mist on October 14, 2000, at 15:36:35
> I think a good therapist is someone who is stable. Usually that means ten-fifteen years of clinical experience. I have had only two therapists thus far. The first one is a "soft" male who I was able to manipulate very easy. The only goal I had for seeing him is to get him to write a letter for school for me. I did have a crush on him and establish a therapeutic relationship with him through. But I could tell that he is not a very good therapist because if I praise him, he responds to it. If I say something bad about him, he gets defensive. He is just like a normal person. But he had the right credentials and he came through for me in terms of school. He was a private practice clinician. Right now, I am seeing a "tough" female therapist in an academic setting. Let me tell you, it is a mental strain to have a session with her. I usually feel worse coming out than going in. Obviously, emotionally I am not too happy about that. But, my intellectual side tells me that she is a very good therapist. Mainly, she is not so hard to manipulate. You know, why do we have to manipulate the very people that is helping us? Hmm. Intellectually, it seems so counterproductive, but at that moment, it feels so right and natural. The mystery of the human mind. Like I said before, I think the best therapist is a stable one. I also have this theory that therapist in an academic setting is always better than those in the private practice. Therapists in the private practice gets a little spoiled and greedy after a while. I think someone should do some research on that.
Actually, my therapist works part-time in the academic setting (part of a government agency) and part-time as a private clinician. It would be interesting to find out how therapists practice differently under the two conditions. I mean afterall, it is a job to them.
In conclusion, if you really want to get your money worth and you are really willing to seek help, find a therapist that has at least ten-fifteen years of clinical experiences, works in an academic setting, and who is stable. Some tests of stability: purposely praise him/her or personally attack him/her during the first couple of sessions. Watch for signs of personal response from the therapist. A good therapist should only have one agenda and one agenda only during session: that is to help and support the needs of the client in an enlightening way such that the client can lead a productive and independent life as soon as possible. It is unfortunately that my therapist current fits that description, but I am just so damn resistant to admit that I have a problem. It would be easy to say that I have a problem just to please her, but for the life of me, I really do not feel that I have a problem. Isn't that twisted or what. Anyway, I better start studying, all my midterms are next week. If I do not do well in my schoolwork, I might as well forget about attending school. And then, I'll be depressed and slide down the tunnel to suicidal thoughts again.
Hopefully the bit about picking out the right therapist (minus my personal agenda) helps,
RzipNo matter what, it's important that your therapist treat you with respect and kindness (especially for depressed people). There is no excuse for a therapist treating anyone with coldness or veiled put-downs designed to maintain control by the therapist. I think some therapists do this under the guise of being "tough." They're basically incredibly skill-less. In my opinion, male therapists are more likely to do that then female ones. Genuine warmth and appreciation of who the client is--their positive personal qualities--can be very healing, I suspect often more so than any amount of analyzing of the client's problems. Among other things, that type of approach helps to build self-esteem, creates trust, and makes dealing with negatives (in a skillfull and respectful way) easier.
This is the end of the thread.
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