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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on November 20, 2009, at 8:17:02
The things I have been worried about for years have started to happen with my mother. Even with my maximum dose of Risperdal, my anxiety is through the roof. I don't know how much help my therapist can be. He has long since said that the situation with her is hopeless. I don't think I'm going to be allowed to use avoidance to cope with her anymore.
I'm starting to feel the way I did after Katrina. And I just don't know what it is he can do for me.
Posted by jane d on November 20, 2009, at 11:11:53
In reply to Sliding towards meltdown, posted by Dinah on November 20, 2009, at 8:17:02
I don't suppose mom could be sent on a long long cruise? Or perhaps a multi year contract teaching English abroad?
Failing that, I wonder if you could find someone to consult with specifically about her. If her problems are a combination of who she always was and the aging process both you and your therapist may tend to focus on the "she always was like that" part because you've both known her so long. Perhaps an outsider could see where aging is the problem and even have suggestions. It's a strange idea that she might be getting more "normal" as she gets older and her peer group catches up with her.
And perhaps bringing someone else in would let you use your therapist to help you deal with the strain of managing her instead of figuring out the how tos of it.
And don't give up on avoidance. It's a great strategy that we're meant to use to get out of the way of danger.
Perhaps your whole family would like to spend a few years working overseas?
Posted by SLS on November 20, 2009, at 14:41:39
In reply to Sliding towards meltdown, posted by Dinah on November 20, 2009, at 8:17:02
I don't know anything about your predicament.
I just wanted to let you know that I care, and that I hope you find a path that allows you to navigate this difficult time.
Take good care.
- Scott
Posted by Dinah on November 20, 2009, at 16:07:32
In reply to Sliding towards meltdown, posted by Dinah on November 20, 2009, at 8:17:02
I screamed like a banshee and sounded crazier than my mother. My voice is sore.
Oh well. I knew it was coming.
Thanks Scott and Jane.
I just have to get away from my mother and brother. Completely away. Into the family version of Witness Protection.
Posted by Dinah on November 20, 2009, at 16:11:10
In reply to And splash, posted by Dinah on November 20, 2009, at 16:07:32
Now that's weird. My skin was ok this morning. Now that I had a hysterical outburst, it's all red and inflamed under my arms. I always thought that stress made it worse, but it was never as totally obvious as this time.
I'll bet I could take a few more than my max dose of Risperdal. It isn't very high, only .75 mg.
Posted by annierose on November 20, 2009, at 16:55:37
In reply to Re: And splash, posted by Dinah on November 20, 2009, at 16:11:10
I'm dashing out the door but wanted to let you know that I'm sending good thoughts your way.
Taking care of our parents, especially when they are unwilling to do what is best for them, is darn right overwhelming. I'd scream too. And then pretend that they don't exist (not really).
Posted by Dinah on November 20, 2009, at 17:14:04
In reply to Re: And splash, posted by annierose on November 20, 2009, at 16:55:37
Thanks, Annierose.
I told my therapist today that he was a much better mother than my real mother. He said he'd be flattered if the bar wasn't so low.
I think I may be ready to cut ties with her. I just can't live with this constant stress for the rest of my life. Because you know she'll outlive me by many years. And even more years if she keeps piling this much stress on me.
Posted by TherapyGirl on November 20, 2009, at 20:13:02
In reply to Sliding towards meltdown, posted by Dinah on November 20, 2009, at 8:17:02
I'm so sorry, Dinah. I can imagine how stressful this is. I'm thinking about you, wishing I could do more to help.
(((((((((((Dinah)))))))))))
Posted by tetrix on November 20, 2009, at 20:54:27
In reply to Re: Sliding towards meltdown » Dinah, posted by TherapyGirl on November 20, 2009, at 20:13:02
I have a very controlling mother who is also a huge stress factor in my life... I relate to what you are feeling.. hugs
Posted by Phillipa on November 21, 2009, at 10:27:42
In reply to ((Dinah)), posted by tetrix on November 20, 2009, at 20:54:27
I wish I knew what the situation was with your Mother. But the older I get the less I hear of my kids or see them. They just live their own lives. They are all away. Assuming your Mother lives near you? Phillipa
Posted by lingonberry on November 21, 2009, at 10:31:30
In reply to Sliding towards meltdown, posted by Dinah on November 20, 2009, at 8:17:02
Hi Dinah,
Im sorry about your mom and that youre upset!
Im a new babbler but I have done some research and I just want you to know from what Ive been reading, I think you have all the strength and skills you need to stay away, or to somewhat handle, your mother. And it also seems that you have a good relationship with your T.
I can totally relate! I divorced my parents two years ago, both emotionally and physically. They are too narcissistic, too demanding. At first, it provoked a lot of guilt, but now Im doing pretty well. Its not an easy task divorcing a parent. But I think its ok to do so in order to set up an environment thats generating growth. Its a whole another thing to do so in order to avoid looking inside oneself, which I definitely dont think you do youre just doing what you need to do, taking responsibility and protecting yourself, and it takes a lot of courage to do so.
I think its up to you to decide what to do with your mother- to stay or to leave. But thats just my opinion. Doesnt your T agree with this at all?
I really hope things will workout for you. All the best!
Lingonberry
Posted by Dinah on November 21, 2009, at 14:46:55
In reply to Re: Sliding towards meltdown » Dinah, posted by TherapyGirl on November 20, 2009, at 20:13:02
Thanks therapygirl.
I'm full of meds, and not only anti anxiety. Every somatic complaint I have is acting up. So, except for the migraine, IBS, and vertigo, I'm feeling a little bit better today. That will last as long as I don't hear from her.
I hate that I behaved badly yesterday. I hate to do that. It's so strange that even though I could recognize that an hysterical outburst was on my horizon, I still couldn't stop it.
Posted by Dinah on November 21, 2009, at 14:48:33
In reply to ((Dinah)), posted by tetrix on November 20, 2009, at 20:54:27
Thanks Tetrix.
I'm sorry you have to deal with mother troubles too.
I feel sort of bad about feeling this way about her. She didn't abuse me, and she did a lot for me when I was young.
Posted by Dinah on November 21, 2009, at 15:03:11
In reply to Re: ((Dinah)), posted by Phillipa on November 21, 2009, at 10:27:42
Every mother and child pair is different, Phillipa. This isn't what I want, but objectively I need to protect myself.
Posted by Dinah on November 21, 2009, at 15:07:22
In reply to Re: Sliding towards meltdown, posted by lingonberry on November 21, 2009, at 10:31:30
I always thought I had divorced my mother, and in some ways I think I had. But I still feel responsible towards her. I guess there are all sorts of complex reasons for that.
I'm not anywhere near as strong as I sometimes seem. My therapist has every confidence in me, too much confidence really, that I can do what I need to do. He just doesn't have any confidence in my mother.
Congratulations on your divorce! I really think that's the best thing to do sometimes.
Posted by TherapyGirl on November 21, 2009, at 16:23:15
In reply to Re: Sliding towards meltdown » TherapyGirl, posted by Dinah on November 21, 2009, at 14:46:55
I'm hard on myself about that, too, but I encourage you to give yourself a break. We all have our breaking points and I have come to believe that the two people involved BOTH have to be aware and working on it to avoid an outburst.
((((((((Dinah))))))))))))
Posted by floatingbridge on November 22, 2009, at 1:05:34
In reply to Sliding towards meltdown, posted by Dinah on November 20, 2009, at 8:17:02
Dinah,
I'm wishing you the best right now, and sending good thoughts your way. Your wit in the face of challenge amazes me. Last month I had an hysterical outbreak that left my throat raw--I could sense it coming, but when it really erupted, I was shocked and shaking. I could hear my dad and my mom in it--not to dump the load and abscond from my own responsibility. So many times I wish I could divorce my family. Kudos to those that really can when they need to.
Glad to see you posting, Dinah.hugs,
fb
Posted by Dinah on November 22, 2009, at 17:29:49
In reply to Re: Sliding towards meltdown » Dinah, posted by floatingbridge on November 22, 2009, at 1:05:34
> Last month I had an hysterical outbreak that left my throat raw--I could sense it coming, but when it really erupted, I was shocked and shaking.
That's how I experienced it, precisely.
I don't like that that still happens. If there's anything I'd like to have fixed by now, that would be it.
Posted by Dinah on November 22, 2009, at 17:32:09
In reply to Re: Sliding towards meltdown, posted by TherapyGirl on November 21, 2009, at 16:23:15
I'm already feeling guilty about it. Some photos of my mother in happier times flashed across my computer screen.
It's not that she was different then than she is now. It's more that there was no cause for me to be on the wrong end of her willfulness.
Posted by Kath on November 24, 2009, at 9:19:19
In reply to Re: Sliding towards meltdown » TherapyGirl, posted by Dinah on November 21, 2009, at 14:46:55
Dear Dinah - I'm so sorry that you are suffering so much.
> I'm feeling a little bit better today. That will last as long as I don't hear from her.
~ ~ ((you)) Sounds like things have come to a head. The problem is, you Will hear from her.
:-(It really sounds to me as though you DO want to break ties. I hope you're able to do this, with your T's help Dinah. You, your husband & your son deserve the 'you' who you'll be able to once you've freed yourself from the poisonous relationship. (Which I know nothing about, but it's obvious it's harming you bigtime.)
> I hate that I behaved badly yesterday. I hate to do that. It's so strange that even though I could recognize that an hysterical outburst was on my horizon, I still couldn't stop it.~ ~ Please try to let go of shame or guilt about this. In my opinion, it's a perfectly normal & natural & probably healthy thing to have happened under the circumstances. I think it's a direct parallel to this physical situation:
A person has a build-up of toxins in their system. The toxins build up & manifest themselves in 1 place as a boil. They continue to build up & eventually the poison releases as the boil bursts. Quite normal & natural &, under the circumstances, healthy.
To take it to the next step, it'd be great if the person could eliminate toxins to whatever degree they can, in order to prevent further boils.
I know it's easier said than done.
(((You)))
Very best of luck & strength in this. You deserve to be treated WELL Dinah. It sounds like you really want to make a break. I suspect it won't be at all easy.
One thing that's helped me sometimes to do things that are hard, is to know that my children are watching me & learning from me. In taking good care of yourself, you're teaching your son that it's good & important to take care of himself. By removing yourself from a situation where you're being treated poorly, you'd be teaching your son that in life, if he's in a situation where people are NOT treating him well, the thing to do is do what he needs to, to change that situation so that he's not being treated poorly.
I send you love, Kath
Posted by Dinah on November 24, 2009, at 14:14:51
In reply to A self-care opportunity/a teaching opportunity » Dinah, posted by Kath on November 24, 2009, at 9:19:19
I thought we'd reached a place of compromise, but I was wrong. At this point, maybe I'm almost relieved.
My therapist said today that he was glad she was *my* mother. While I knew what he meant, I pointed out that that was hardly a kind thing to say. :) He amended it. While never of course suggesting that he never said it to begin with.
Posted by floatingbridge on November 24, 2009, at 15:03:43
In reply to Re: A self-care opportunity/a teaching opportunity » Kath, posted by Dinah on November 24, 2009, at 14:14:51
> I thought we'd reached a place of compromise, but I was wrong. At this point, maybe I'm almost relieved.
>
> My therapist said today that he was glad she was *my* mother. While I knew what he meant, I pointed out that that was hardly a kind thing to say. :) He amended it. While never of course suggesting that he never said it to begin with.Hi Dinah,
How is it going today? A rough road, it sounds like. I'm sorry. Sounds like you have a good therapist, despite the slip. I would have appreciated that he admit he shouldn't have said that, too. And good for you to be able to say what you did to your therapist. Sounds very healthy.
hugs and thoughts your way,
fb
Posted by Dinah on November 24, 2009, at 16:53:48
In reply to Re: A self-care opportunity/a teaching opportunity » Dinah, posted by floatingbridge on November 24, 2009, at 15:03:43
He really is terrific. He never tries to deny reality, or make me think I'm imagining things.
Sometimes I see his flaws, but other times, I'm so aware of his strengths.
This is the end of the thread.
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