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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by workinprogress on December 17, 2008, at 1:24:18
I'm not sure exactly what to write here, but I know I need to write something. I'm very lonely lately. I'm 34, I want a partner and a family, but it hasn't happened yet. I've had a series of failed relationships- between 9 months and almost 5 years. But- alas, none lasted. It was after my last breakup that I went to therapy and three months after that, started working on ME, instead of just the breakup.
I dated some about 7 months after the breakup, but was still pretty focused on me and didn't take it too seriously. Started dating again this fall almost a year and a half after the breakup. And, well, now I want it. I particularly want it after I met someone I really liked at first, but that turned out to be all the things I don't need in a relationship- emotionally unavailable, unable to communicate, not ok with my feelings, not noticing me or reaching out to me- generally my mom! So, I figured that out in a month and a half and ended it. I was proud of me! I stuck up for what I deserved.
But then, after about a week I wondered: what if I AM too much? What if I AM too needy? What if I AM too emotional... What if I'll never find someone who will put up with me, much less celebrate me..
So, my T says, "that sounds like self-loathing to me, or self-hatred. There's no reason you shouldn't be able to find someone. You're a competent capable adult, you should be able to find someone- so the fact that you worry/think you won't seems self loathing. Let's look at the messages in your head. What do you say to yourself?"
I DON"T KNOW. I find that so frustrating. And I hate the word self-loathing. It seems so extreme. And, what if there's just a possibility that the fates will just have it that I don't find someone? After all, she's helped me set the bar quite a bit higher than it's been set before. Maybe I just don't believe that it's possible... maybe it's not self loathing.
I don't know what my question is really, or what I need help with. Maybe I just want your thoughts and feelings, your noticing, your support. Maybe I am self-loathing. Maybe I do have unconscious messages in my head. Tips on tuning into them? I have a feeling they aren't particularly fun....
WIP
Posted by Phillipa on December 17, 2008, at 13:21:48
In reply to Self-loathing/Self-hatred, posted by workinprogress on December 17, 2008, at 1:24:18
Maybe your're getting ready to have a realionship if it's been a year and a half. Lonely time of year. Love Phillipa I hear you
Posted by Racer on December 17, 2008, at 15:18:06
In reply to Self-loathing/Self-hatred, posted by workinprogress on December 17, 2008, at 1:24:18
It could be you do have internalized messages -- some of what you've written reminds me of some things I went through around just that. Since I have been through it -- at least to the exit door, if not fully out of it ;-) -- I'll offer a few thoughts I've had about it all:
1. "I didn't know there was a legal limit to sensitivity!" That's the phrase I use now, when someone says I'm "too sensitive." I've noticed that those who say that to me tend to be those who've just been insensitive towards me -- which has led to some major attitude adjustments for me. I offer it to you, in hopes you find it helpful, too.
2. "I guess by saying that I'm 'too needy,' you're really telling me that you're uninterested in acknowledging my needs?" I'm still working on this one, but when I can step back enough to see it, that really has been the message behind that one. "You're too needy, you'll just suck anyone dry!" First, what a cruel thing to say to anyone -- let alone someone you claim to love! (And all this is from my background. I'm not suggesting anyone ever said anything like it to you or anyone else.) It's only been said to me by people who claimed to love me -- and who were asking me to meet their needs, often by putting my needs aside entirely.
3. As far as the "internal messages" part -- as I indicated, all the negative, damaging, downright cruel self-talk I've been guilty of has come from other people saying it to me. Very often, I can imagine their voices as they say it. Identifying where the phrasing comes from, where the message comes from, might help with identifying the message itself. It's worth a try, right?
4. Your doubts, your fears -- you're too this, too that -- are the internal messages, by the way. At least, they're the part of the internal message that you're aware of. It's a good starting place, and if you put all those things together, you'll get a better idea of the Big Picture you have of yourself. Once you identify that, you have a better chance of examining it for accuracy: are you "too needy?" What are your actual needs? What needs are you asking to have filled? Is that a reasonable request? What gets in the way of meeting those needs? Et cetera.
Best luck with working on this. I, too, have had a lot of very similar questions, so you're not alone. Plenty of damned good company, so welcome to the party!
Posted by sassyfrancesca on December 17, 2008, at 15:43:55
In reply to Re: Self-loathing/Self-hatred (long) » workinprogress, posted by Racer on December 17, 2008, at 15:18:06
Remember this: "You are" messages are usually lies someone is telling about you.
Love, Sassy
I believe the book: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans should be required reading for everyone on the planet.
Verbal abuse is rampant in our society, and goes basically unrecognized.
Posted by workinprogress on December 19, 2008, at 1:44:54
In reply to Self-loathing/Self-hatred, posted by workinprogress on December 17, 2008, at 1:24:18
Hey there... thanks for your thoughtful responses.
Phillipa- yes, I think I am ready... just have to be patient to find that person.
Rsk and Sassy- great reminders and tips- I'm working to add them to my little toolbox. Thanks! I'll keep you posted as I move through this. It's nice to know I'm not alone!
WIP
This is the end of the thread.
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