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Re: Self-loathing/Self-hatred (long) » workinprogress

Posted by Racer on December 17, 2008, at 15:18:06

In reply to Self-loathing/Self-hatred, posted by workinprogress on December 17, 2008, at 1:24:18

It could be you do have internalized messages -- some of what you've written reminds me of some things I went through around just that. Since I have been through it -- at least to the exit door, if not fully out of it ;-) -- I'll offer a few thoughts I've had about it all:

1. "I didn't know there was a legal limit to sensitivity!" That's the phrase I use now, when someone says I'm "too sensitive." I've noticed that those who say that to me tend to be those who've just been insensitive towards me -- which has led to some major attitude adjustments for me. I offer it to you, in hopes you find it helpful, too.

2. "I guess by saying that I'm 'too needy,' you're really telling me that you're uninterested in acknowledging my needs?" I'm still working on this one, but when I can step back enough to see it, that really has been the message behind that one. "You're too needy, you'll just suck anyone dry!" First, what a cruel thing to say to anyone -- let alone someone you claim to love! (And all this is from my background. I'm not suggesting anyone ever said anything like it to you or anyone else.) It's only been said to me by people who claimed to love me -- and who were asking me to meet their needs, often by putting my needs aside entirely.

3. As far as the "internal messages" part -- as I indicated, all the negative, damaging, downright cruel self-talk I've been guilty of has come from other people saying it to me. Very often, I can imagine their voices as they say it. Identifying where the phrasing comes from, where the message comes from, might help with identifying the message itself. It's worth a try, right?

4. Your doubts, your fears -- you're too this, too that -- are the internal messages, by the way. At least, they're the part of the internal message that you're aware of. It's a good starting place, and if you put all those things together, you'll get a better idea of the Big Picture you have of yourself. Once you identify that, you have a better chance of examining it for accuracy: are you "too needy?" What are your actual needs? What needs are you asking to have filled? Is that a reasonable request? What gets in the way of meeting those needs? Et cetera.

Best luck with working on this. I, too, have had a lot of very similar questions, so you're not alone. Plenty of damned good company, so welcome to the party!


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poster:Racer thread:869202
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