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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 25, 2008, at 7:40:44
I am sorry, but I know I have used up my share of Babble forgiveness. You all know me as the happy flower who could always laugh off the pain.
I can't no longer, I feel the rejection as raw pain, please don't tell me to go elsewhere to air my stuff. That cuts like a knife through my soul.
It is so hard to come back here, I don't feel like this is my sanctuary anymore, in fact no where seems safe anymore. It reminds me of my mom who used to tell me nobody will listen to me because I am nothing but a pile of sh*t. I feel like the little child that has no safe place to go other than to hide in the woods.
In fact I can no longer take my anger out on others for feeling unwanted here, I now take the anger out on myself. The pain sears through my body and I want to hurt it for it let me down. I can't pretend to be the happy flower no more. I can't take hurt anymore. I think that may be the end of me being here, because I can't take a chance of being hurt. I am gun shy, and it is hard to want to hear from those who care, but it is taking a chance of hearing things that can hurt me to the core.
I feel defenseless here, I am sad, I have been here a long time. I know I have hurt others, and I am truly sorry for that. I really am.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on November 25, 2008, at 8:30:21
In reply to Please don't reject me, I am sorry, posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 25, 2008, at 7:40:44
You don't have to apologize. you don't have to pretend to be happy flower.
You only need......to be (sweet, hurting)....yourself.
Love, Sassy
Posted by Dinah on November 25, 2008, at 8:33:42
In reply to Please don't reject me, I am sorry, posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 25, 2008, at 7:40:44
Hello Happyflower, it's nice to see you back. Well, nearly back. I confess that I feel a bit uncomfortable checking the "add name of previous poster" with your current posting name. I'm sorry but I really can't bring myself to refer to you as slugslime.
Babble isn't perfectly safe. There may be someplace in the world that is, but Babble can't be - open to the internet snd the public at large as it is.
You will be hurt at Babble, no doubt. Most Babblers are at one time or another. You're engaging in human interaction. It's a more achievable goal to learn to deal with the hurt than to never be hurt here. I've learned to accept, not gracefully perhaps, that some people will not like me. And those people will say things that might hurt me. Even the people who do like me may say things that hurt me. It's an achievable goal to learn to consider the whole of a person's relationship with you and to overlook the hurts because of it. It's an achievable goal to consider the whole of Babble's relationship with you and to live with the hurts because of it.
You haven't used up Babble's forgiveness for you. It's impossible. There are too many people who make up Babble. Some may have felt hurt and may not be able to engage at the moment. Others may feel able to engage at the moment. Redemption is possible at Babble. I know that personally.
You say that we all know you as the happy flower who could always laugh off the pain. It's not really how I've ever seen you. I've maybe seen you as the happy flower who would like to be able to always be able to laugh off the pain. Neither do I see you as slug slime. Maybe it would be helpful to you to amend your statements about yourself to address something closer to the middle? I fought with my therapist for years, saying how I described something didn't change what it was. But I fear he may have been right. How I describe something influences how I see it. And that allows opportunity for change.
Have you brought up all this with your therapist? I found my therapist invaluable in helping me navigate the stormy shoals of social interaction on an internet bulletin board. It does hurt sometimes. But the hurt doesn't have to destroy you or your relationships with others.
I'm glad to see you back. I hope you feel better soon. But there is no need to go back to laughing off pain, unless you find it helpful to you. I've always found that it was easier to deal with pain in small doses is easier than dealing with it all at once when the defenses fall. Again, maybe talk to your therapist about it?
Posted by obsidian on November 25, 2008, at 8:49:10
In reply to Please don't reject me, I am sorry, posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 25, 2008, at 7:40:44
> I am sorry, but I know I have used up my share of Babble forgiveness. You all know me as the happy flower who could always laugh off the pain.
hey, happyflower, you don't have to laugh it off you know, it's ok
and it is nice to see you, I was worried about you
> I can't no longer, I feel the rejection as raw pain, please don't tell me to go elsewhere to air my stuff. That cuts like a knife through my soul.I don't want you to go anywhere, I'd like you to stay here.
> It is so hard to come back here, I don't feel like this is my sanctuary anymore, in fact no where seems safe anymore. It reminds me of my mom who used to tell me nobody will listen to me because I am nothing but a pile of sh*t. I feel like the little child that has no safe place to go other than to hide in the woods.that may be a message in your head that keeps playing, but you deserve to be listened to.
I can in some way relate, although I have my own very different experiences. Sometimes I feel hurt, by something, some interaction, and it is just like another time, and I am that helpless person again, utterly defenseless and hurt beyond description.> In fact I can no longer take my anger out on others for feeling unwanted here, I now take the anger out on myself. The pain sears through my body and I want to hurt it for it let me down. I can't pretend to be the happy flower no more. I can't take hurt anymore. I think that may be the end of me being here, because I can't take a chance of being hurt. I am gun shy, and it is hard to want to hear from those who care, but it is taking a chance of hearing things that can hurt me to the core.
it's a risk isn't it? but people do in fact care very much about you here.
> I feel defenseless here, I am sad, I have been here a long time. I know I have hurt others, and I am truly sorry for that. I really am.we all do things we regret happyflower, as painful as that can be. People aren't perfect, and I don't think perfection is something to aspire to, it doesn't exist after all. I hope you can get to talk to the people you feel that you hurt. Anger doesn't have to be something that always destroys. Sometimes all we can do is try to understand ourselves and other people more.
anyway, it's nice to see you
be gentle with yourself
((((((you)))))))
-sid
Posted by Partlycloudy on November 25, 2008, at 11:11:47
In reply to Please don't reject me, I am sorry, posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 25, 2008, at 7:40:44
Welcome back to the boards. I know how fragile you must feel - tread as lightly as you feel you must to be safe. Sometimes I just read a lot and don't post. (((((Happyflower)))))
Posted by Phillipa on November 25, 2008, at 13:20:29
In reply to Re: Please don't reject me, I am sorry, posted by Dinah on November 25, 2008, at 8:33:42
Beautiful post Dinah feel the same about the name and by the way you are teaching me as well. Love Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on November 25, 2008, at 13:22:12
In reply to Re: Please don't reject me, I am sorry, posted by Partlycloudy on November 25, 2008, at 11:11:47
Happyflower have really missed you. Love and hugs Phillipa
Posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 25, 2008, at 13:25:45
In reply to Re: Please don't reject me, I am sorry, posted by Dinah on November 25, 2008, at 8:33:42
Oh Dinah,
I want to respond to everything you have posted but I am kind of overly emotional right now due to hormones and well I just came from my T's this morning. I was sobbing so badly my session went over 20 min and she keeps her boundaries very strict with me. We were talking a lot about stuff you brought up except the internet connection thing.
The revelation this week is that I am afraid of EMDR because it goes through my defenses and I feel and I become upset. My biggest fear of being upset is that I am all alone feeling that pain. Just like childhood or I guess my entire life. I told her through all my sobs that I needed to know she was with me, to sit next to me or something . I didn't know how to ask because of her boundaries. But that is why I am afraid of EMDR, afraid of losing it, while siting there all alone. It reminded me of when my grandfather died, I was at the grave site part, and started to cry and nobody offered to comfort me in any way. This was when I was engaged to my DH and was used to the loving touch, not the distance thing my father's family did. I felt so alone I wanted to disappear.
She ended my session with this healing light thing she has me imagine going through my body as she talks me through it, and this time she tapped alternately my knees gently. I felt so overwhelmed with comfort I still cried but it was happy tears.
My T and I are are going through stuff I have never gone through with either of my first T's. She has been amazing really. She keeps email contact with me, and I can share my poems with her.
I have never experienced therapy like this. She is a holistic T and incorporates things in therapy that for me spiritually is so important.
So I am really raw right now, I can't take any rejection. I feel alone in this world and today when she had me bring others in the room with me to help comfort me (my grandma and my first T), I was overcome with just how alone I am. Everyone I care about it pretty much dead. It hurts more than anything being alone.
Thanks DInah, but you can call me whatever, I think I have had a lot of babble names by now. I can't stop the tears right now, I am so sad.
Posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 25, 2008, at 13:29:46
In reply to Re: Please don't reject me, I am sorry » SlugSlimersSoSlided, posted by sassyfrancesca on November 25, 2008, at 8:30:21
Thanks Sassy,
I know you accept me and have forgiven me when I am a jerk, that is what makes you you.
Gosh things hurt so bad right now, in therapy we are working on my 1st T's relationship with me.
You asked in an later post about if anyone's T has a website and mine does.
I am just a mess right now, I hope I can dissipate some of this , but for now I just need to cry and maybe write about it later.
Posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 25, 2008, at 13:35:58
In reply to Re: Please don't reject me, I am sorry » SlugSlimersSoSlided, posted by obsidian on November 25, 2008, at 8:49:10
Thank you so much OB, you SO get what I mean. I know I become my words I say to myself. I feel like I am helpless and defenseless right now and I can't take any more pain. My T wants me to feel my emotions, not to try to squash them away.
Thank you so much for your kind words, I am tears so much about what you said, I just can't believe anyone cares about me. But I will try to believe.
Posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 25, 2008, at 13:39:23
In reply to Re: Please don't reject me, I am sorry, posted by Partlycloudy on November 25, 2008, at 11:11:47
Hi PC,
I am treading lightly, but I am not sure I have ever learned that. Things are still too black and white for me still. You were right about having a female T. I don't think so much about her being female, but boy does she get to the heart of things, and GETS me. Thanks for your kinds words, I know you know. I think it is cool I can picture you for real with that one knit hat of yours. It makes me smile when I think of you. ;-)
Posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 25, 2008, at 13:42:19
In reply to Re: Please don't reject me, I am sorry, posted by Phillipa on November 25, 2008, at 13:22:12
Thanks Phillipa,
Thank you for your kind words. I am getting kinda tired right now, I think I need a nap or something.
I appreciate your on going support.
Posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 25, 2008, at 18:05:52
In reply to Please don't reject me, I am sorry, posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 25, 2008, at 7:40:44
I took a wonderful nap with me, my guinea pig and my cat this afternoon. The piggie actually was cuddled up with the cat, it was so cute! It is amazing how a very emotional session can completely zonk you out. Plus my daughter made some butter cookies with candy cane pieces in them, oh, my gosh, now that is therapy!
I think for once I am in therapy hard core, it isn't so much fun, but I think it is helping, but in the meantime it leaves me raw emotionally.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 25, 2008, at 18:53:49
In reply to Re: Please don't reject me, I am sorry, posted by Phillipa on November 25, 2008, at 13:22:12
hey 4-S
I'm sorry that you are hurting so badly right now. I dunno if this makes any difference or not, but I respect and admire your apology. I hope that you feel better soon. Sadly, there are no safe havens in this world, so by all means do what you need to do to protect yourself and keep you safe. I hope you and family have a nice Thanksgiving and that you can find a little piece of beauty tomorrow and the day after...-Ll
p.s. I actually used to be rather fond of slugs, because I find them cute, in some odd way. Of course, I'm not much of a gardener, so I probably hold them in too-high esteem.
Posted by Tabitha on November 26, 2008, at 0:49:51
In reply to Re: Please don't reject me, I am sorry » Dinah, posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 25, 2008, at 13:25:45
Your new T sounds really good. I hope things continue to go well with her.
Regarding your board trouble, I haven't followed along lately, but never forget this is a board for, uh, well, sort of crazy people. Nobody's expected to have perfect social skills all the time. Many people are sensitive and there are often hurt feelings passed back and forth. It takes a lot to achieve large-scale rejection and I don't think you're anywhere near that.
Posted by muffled on November 26, 2008, at 13:39:06
In reply to Please don't reject me, I am sorry, posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 25, 2008, at 7:40:44
and so do I.
Good name.
Their eyes on stalks so vigilant, yet so sensitive that they retract at the slightest danger.
But then they come out again and look around.
Its hard to be sensitive.
To allow ourselves to feel.
You have my admiration and I am sorry too if I have ever inadvertantly hurt you.
I guess we all just trying to find safety.
I am so glad you have a good T now.
I am SO happy to see you here.
Take good care.
M
Posted by no_rose_garden on November 28, 2008, at 11:48:46
In reply to Please don't reject me, I am sorry, posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 25, 2008, at 7:40:44
I'm not sure what's going on, but please don't leave.
I haven't even gotten to tell you about my new T yet.
I like chatting with you.
This is the end of the thread.
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