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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by JayMac on September 27, 2008, at 15:40:24
Question of the day:
Do you think your T really knows you? Do you think they know you on an intimate level? Like a similar way a best friend knows you? When you think about it, we spend quality (at least most of the time) one-on-one time with them.This past Thursday my T said that we are in the beginning stages of getting to know each other. And that we are in the "pre-attachment" phase of things. She said she's learning things about me all the time. I'm glad that she's acknowledging that there's a lot to know about me as a person, as an individual. But, at the same time, I wish she could fully know me already. But, then again, I have trouble *allowing* people to get to know me. I like to hide parts of me. Metaphorically, I wear my hoodie sweatshirt even when it's warm out. Even though it's safe, I'm still hesitant to come out and let myself be seen. I desperately want to be fully attached to her. Sometimes I feel I am, but other times I look for ways *out.* It's overwhelming, to me, to be attached to someone and have them attached to me. I get scared.
Can anyone relate?
Peace, love, and bullet proof marshmellows.
Posted by Looney Tunes on September 27, 2008, at 16:40:13
In reply to Do you think your T really .....?, posted by JayMac on September 27, 2008, at 15:40:24
Hmm.. How long have you been with your T?In my case, I think T THINKS he knows about me, because "I have symptoms indicative of events in life, " but since I sit in silence most of the session, I have only said a few things that let him know anything about me.
I am so uncomfortable in therapy I can't figure out why I go. But I need it and I know it takes time. I have been with T 5 months and I still feel like it is day 1.
Ask me this question in a couple of years. Hopefully by then, T will "know" me.
Posted by JayMac on September 27, 2008, at 17:42:15
In reply to Re: Do you think your T really .....?, posted by Looney Tunes on September 27, 2008, at 16:40:13
I've been with my T since this June. So.......I don't know. People tell me I'm hard to get to know. I feel like I'm pretty open with my T. I've told her about some very intimate transference feelings that I've had for her.
Posted by Looney Tunes on September 27, 2008, at 18:30:11
In reply to Re: Do you think your T really .....? » Looney Tunes, posted by JayMac on September 27, 2008, at 17:42:15
Wow!
I started about the same time and I can't say a dam thing. LOL
It is good that you can be open with your T. And she seems to be open to the process and recognizes that it takes time to get to know someone. More "relationship-based" than "get something done now."
I hate those T's that are like "TELL ME SOMETHING NOW!" I had one like that and all I did was dissociate the entire time. (It was a classic CBT therapist who did not think the relationship was the vehicle for change)Anyway, I think the longer you are with T, the more they get to know you. And at some point, they may even know you better than you know yourself!
Posted by lemonaide on September 27, 2008, at 20:23:23
In reply to Do you think your T really .....?, posted by JayMac on September 27, 2008, at 15:40:24
I think T's eventually learn who you are, but it does take time and so does attachment too sometimes. Keep up your courage, besides hoodies are comfy. ;-)
Posted by Daisym on September 28, 2008, at 0:15:53
In reply to Do you think your T really .....?, posted by JayMac on September 27, 2008, at 15:40:24
Yes, I think my therapist knows me. But I've been seeing him for over 5 years and I see him 4x a week. I think the frequency allows us to get past all the catch up stuff and really talk. But it also means I can share work stuff and kid stuff as well as trauma stuff and divorce stuff because there is time to do that.
I'm hard to get to know too - what people think they know about me is mostly not true. But my therapist seems to really want to know me - and not just all the bad stuff. He asks these questions, and at first I think, "what?!" But then I realize it is just another piece of me. He wanted to know my favorite book and he supports my habit of shoe shopping. He knows (and has met) my safety object (a stuffed animal) and we talk about being Catholic (he is Jewish) and God and fate and spirits and other out there stuff.
Allowing someone to know you, the intimacy that takes, is a very scary thing. It takes time to trust someone, as it should. This is actually very adaptive of you - rushing things won't help. It sounds like you are doing exactly what you should be at this phase. I'm glad you are working with someone to whom you feel you can attach. I can't help but wonder what you imagine it will feel like/look like when you are "fully attached." Because I tend to think that we attach and reattach over and over again. It is the nature of relationships.
Posted by lucie lu on September 28, 2008, at 0:49:34
In reply to Do you think your T really .....?, posted by JayMac on September 27, 2008, at 15:40:24
Jay,After hundreds of hours together I would think he must! Unless he's sitting there daydreaming about vacations or thinking about his dry cleaning, and I'm sure that happens some times, but most of the time he is very present with me. And let's face it, it is their job to "learn" us, isn't it? Yes, I do think my T knows me as well, if not better, than my best friend. But the information is different, and she knows things about me from her own experience that he couldn't. And different people have different perceptions of you too, don't they?Anyway, "knowing" someone is dynamic and as much them as you.
Having said all that, there are certainly times when I realize he's completely clueless or puzzled or just coming at something "wrong" - although maybe he's just knowing me in his own way and not in mine at those times.
Always an interesting topic to think about - how other people know us.
Lucie
Posted by turtle on September 28, 2008, at 13:03:51
In reply to Do you think your T really .....?, posted by JayMac on September 27, 2008, at 15:40:24
Hi JayMac
I think I recognize the feelings in your post.
My prior therapy experience was just good enough to bring my issues to the surface, including my attachment stuff, but I wasn't really supported and hadn't worked through much of it yet. I could tell that my new therapist was the "real deal" and could help me, but there were no shortcuts to letting the trust develop.
When I was in the first few months of therapy with her, it felt like there was a huge mismatch between where I needed to be and where I actually was. I really needed to be going deep into my issues, to be fully submersed in the relationship, and to feel attached. But in a very real way I was a brand new client with trust and fear of attachment issues. Here was this stranger sitting in front of me that I didn't really know yet, and yet I was opening my mouth and talking about all of this really deep and complex stuff that came up in my second and third year of self-exploration. It was also a mismatch to feel a deep need to be attached and in relationship with her, but when I looked at her face my mind would think "who is this stranger?" Now 8 months into it with her, I'm starting to feel this mismatch lessen and to feel supported, and maybe attached? To be truthful your post has made me wonder just what it means to be attached. All I can say is that I feel the need to be close and connected to her, maybe that is part of attachment?
Both my individual and couple's therapist used to love to say that I "didn't want to be seen." I didn't understand at first because of course I wanted my issues to be heard. I started therapy in total lock down.
I'm slowly learning that there are many different levels to being "seen."
The first step for me was to let go of my death grip of my image as the woman who was successful, professional, had it all together, and was of course Ok and unshakable. I had to get comfortable with my own dysfunction and wounded areas. I am now comfortable *being* the not OK person. When I didn't have to rigidly deflect/deny everything to keep my carefully repressed world from cracking and collapsing, it was much easier to be real with my therapists and be "seen." Self awareness, acceptance, and understanding had to come first.
Emotional functioning was another part of it. I'm slowly getting the message that being stoic and repressing emotions both limits my understanding of myself and it also makes people feel like they don't know me.
I'm now trying to move into another level of "being seen". For the most part, I thoroughly work through my topic for the week before going into therapy. It's safer for me that way. But then I'm controlling the message and still detached in a sense. I'm trying to shift things "into the moment". Its one thing to pull out an issue and hold it in your hand to examine (a whole arm's length away) and quite another to be present in the moment, maintain eye contact, to be open emotionally, and be truly "seen". It's a very scary and intimate thing to connect in the moment like that.
It sounds like your therapist will give you time "in your hoodie" to get comfortable and to let the trust form. It was very important for me that my therapist didn't try to push past my "shell" and that she let me have it. I'm curious to hear more about how you work through your pre-attachment phases and your struggle to let your therapist get to know the parts of yourself that you are still protecting.
Turtle
Posted by Dinah on September 28, 2008, at 13:05:57
In reply to Do you think your T really .....?, posted by JayMac on September 27, 2008, at 15:40:24
At this point, yes. I'd say he knows me as well as my husband does. And since I've known my husband since high school, that's saying a lot.
But it took a very long time. We're very different people and we see the world in very different ways. It took him a while to understand the Dinah way of seeing the world and to speak Dinah. For years he may have understood the words, but he didn't understand the meaning.
He still looks blank every once in a while, but *I* know *him* well enough now to ask if he's having a hard time understanding, and he knows me well enough to admit that he is.
It happens. But for me at least, it did take time.
Posted by Amanda29 on September 28, 2008, at 13:46:28
In reply to Re: Do you think your T really .....?, posted by Dinah on September 28, 2008, at 13:05:57
I have been with my T for going on 4 years now and he knows me better than anyone in my life. I didnt want to hold back on anything because I needed to have someone in my life that I could unload everything onto and it not get held against me...so I have used that to my benefit and I tell him everything. I have been burned by too many people when I have opened up to them, so having my T knowing everything there is to know about me..and having him accepting me and supporting me is wonderful.
Posted by onceupon on September 29, 2008, at 13:14:59
In reply to Do you think your T really .....?, posted by JayMac on September 27, 2008, at 15:40:24
> Question of the day:
> Do you think your T really knows you? Do you think they know you on an intimate level? Like a similar way a best friend knows you? When you think about it, we spend quality (at least most of the time) one-on-one time with them.Hmm, this is a provocative question for me. And I think the answer is yes and no. My therapist probably knows more about me than anyone else (spouse included). But she doesn't know me in the same way my friends know me. I show different parts of myself to her and to my friends. And of course, since I know so little about her, it's hard to think of her knowing me as a friend, even if she does have a lot of information about me. I also say no because I have a super hard time talking about some things. But that's just me.
> This past Thursday my T said that we are in the beginning stages of getting to know each other. And that we are in the "pre-attachment" phase of things. She said she's learning things about me all the time. I'm glad that she's acknowledging that there's a lot to know about me as a person, as an individual. But, at the same time, I wish she could fully know me already. But, then again, I have trouble *allowing* people to get to know me. I like to hide parts of me. Metaphorically, I wear my hoodie sweatshirt even when it's warm out. Even though it's safe, I'm still hesitant to come out and let myself be seen. I desperately want to be fully attached to her. Sometimes I feel I am, but other times I look for ways *out.* It's overwhelming, to me, to be attached to someone and have them attached to me. I get scared.
This makes sense to me - the notion of testing the waters, so to speak, and then stepping out to warm back up, and then going in a little further the next time. And my god, is it ever terrifying. It helps when my therapist can acknowledge some of this fear, or recognize it when I can't talk about it. When I think about it, it seems that attachments that happen too fast aren't that great anyways, because they're likely based on how we perceive the other, or anticipate them to be, rather than on their actual characteristics.
Posted by JayMac on October 4, 2008, at 12:37:32
In reply to Do you think your T really .....?, posted by JayMac on September 27, 2008, at 15:40:24
Sorry it's taken me so long to say this:
Thank you for ALL of your responses!!! I love bringing up interesting concepts. It's neat to hear other people's perspectives. Thanks again =) Happy Trails to you all!
This is the end of the thread.
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