![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on October 15, 2007, at 21:38:25
Only one missed session. I saw him today and I'll see him next Tuesday. I even have been thinking I don't really need to see him twice a week when I'm doing ok. So I feel really silly that it is bothering me.
He says it's more than one missed session. It's also my missing knowing he's available to me. I can call him when he's away, and he'll answer when he can. But that's not the same as knowing he can probably squeeze me in if I need to see him an extra time.
I wandered through topics all related to him leaving in today's session. He didn't see the thread, and I had to point it out to him. I talked about caring more than I was supposed to, so that I would be bound to be hurt and it would be all my fault. And I asked what the place he was going to was like, and while he thought I was trying to distract him by talking lightly, I pointed out that I was trying to be able to picture him being somewhere when he wasn't here.
He started out seeming tired and disengaged. But by the time I left he was laughing and helping me create the bonding session I needed.
I mentioned the formality of his emails. I think maybe he was afraid I was asking if I could email him, and he was relieved to find out that I was just remembering the long time when he was gone and our only contact was email. And his emails made me feel like he more gone than just his absence did.
I pointed out that he signed his name with his first and last name. And that it wasn't likely I knew too many of his first names coming from his email address. He got all therapist-like and said that he liked to be professional in his emails with clients. That if he was addressing his wife or family he might sound more like he does when he is talking.
My therapist is not always wise, I fear, to say that particular sentence on the eve of his leaving.
I plaintively protested that I was not "a client", I was "*Dinah*, whose therapist/mommy you are". He smiled and said I sounded like Yoda. I pointed out that I wasn't presumptuous enough to say I was "Dinah, his therapee/daughter".
It was nice to make him laugh like that. :-)
In the end, he promised to sign his emails the same way he announced himself by voice, with just his first name, if we ever email again - so that he won't seem so unlike him.
And we discussed the preferred terminology of client, patient, counselee. I told him I preferred therapee, because therapy was a sacred relationship, not at all like a typical professional/client relationship.
I apologized again for being silly, but he said he liked that I cared about words, and knew that it really did matter *how* you say things, since the meaning can be totally different.
I'm glad I'm not mad at him when he's going away. I'm glad he's not mad at me as he's going away.
I wish he weren't going away.
Stupid professional education.
Posted by Daisym on October 15, 2007, at 22:47:45
In reply to Therapist away for just a week, posted by Dinah on October 15, 2007, at 21:38:25
(((Dinah)))
I think your therapist is wise when he said it is about psychic availability - not so much missed sessions. Is there a way you can stay connected and close to him, even if you don't see him?
I'm glad you had a good, connective session too. It is nice to see them laugh once in a while.
Don't bury yourself in work while he is gone. Do something good for yourself and fun.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by Dinah on October 16, 2007, at 9:21:43
In reply to Re: Therapist away for just a week » Dinah, posted by Daisym on October 15, 2007, at 22:47:45
Sometimes he is wise. :)
I'm not sure that there is anything I can do to help keep connected. I'm not really good at that.
I *do* have three days to get that really nice message he left my phone when it called him in the middle of the night out of voicemail before the phone company deletes it. That should help me think of him.
I think mainly I'm glad that I had the nerve (and the confidence in him) to express what I was feeling. Usually I would have let it pass because it would have felt like I didn't have a right to do anything but accept it. He was telling nothing but the truth. I'd have felt hurt, and pushed it aside, and chosen to be amused by it. Especially since he would be leaving for a week.
It's nice to know I have the faith in the therapeutic relationship, to say something totally silly and vulnerable and even presumptuous, knowing that he'll respond in a way that will help - even if there's no immediate chance for repair if he didn't.
I wish I did have time to do something other than work. But I have to work like a demon between now and the end of the month. Sigh. And my body won't put in the emergency long hours anymore. Sunday night I only got three hours of sleep, and while I took off last night, I don't even remember it and I'm worrying what I said in chat. I'm going to have to work and work and work. What's really depressing is that the resulting increase in my pay check brings home how little I make in comparison to how much grief it causes me.
I probably won't have time to miss him.
Posted by rskontos on October 16, 2007, at 19:16:02
In reply to Re: Therapist away for just a week » Daisym, posted by Dinah on October 16, 2007, at 9:21:43
Dinah, I am in awe of all you said to your T. I can't imagine saying that to my T. It is so personal and letting your guard down. We just aren't there yet and I think you are so honest to have said all that. I think you have more of a connection than you realize in order to say all you said you have to have a connection and a level of trust. Wow. You should feel impowered. You said exactly what you needed and got a great response. What a nice way to end a session with a T going out of town. He heard your needs and addressed them. That is great. I mean so many T's are remote and more professional to have stood their professional grown and he heard you and responded the way he needed to for you. When you start to feel disconnected you should remember this conversation or re-read this post to remember how you felt. You had great nerve and confidence and when you feel low or disconnected you should re-connect with that feeling. Way to go! rk
Posted by Dinah on October 16, 2007, at 20:19:04
In reply to Re: Therapist away for just a week, posted by rskontos on October 16, 2007, at 19:16:02
It's so hard to keep that feeling sometimes. It's like something snaps inside of me, and I can't reconnect.
I do think our relationship has changed a lot. He says so too. I found out a week or two ago that a consulting psychologist from years ago had told him I said something to her that surprised him. (I never did say it. She must have misunderstood. I use words oddly sometimes.) I was a bit upset she said it but more upset he hadn't asked me about it. I asked him if something similar happened now, would he mention it? After some thought he said that yes he would. He said that our relationship had gotten closer since then and he'd now just ask me if something was bothering him. That felt kind of good.
I think it was Katrina. Things changed so much then. Sometimes I wonder if they've changed so much that it sounds odd to others. It's not that the boundaries aren't still there, and tightly enough kept by both of us. But there is also an intimacy and honesty borne of shared experiences. It's hard to explain.
And yet it also made the boundaries more starkly clear than they ever were before. What he could be to me. What he couldn't be to me. His priorities. His limitations.
I was wrong. I have had time to miss him. Which is silly.
Posted by rskontos on October 17, 2007, at 11:13:22
In reply to Re: Therapist away for just a week » rskontos, posted by Dinah on October 16, 2007, at 20:19:04
I don't think it is silly to miss your T. You have connected, you have shared alot with him and have grown close. Plus you share a deep personal part of yourself with him and he took it in and let you know that he heard and understood. That alone makes a person what more with that person. It is human nature to want to bond even closer with someone we think understands the part of us we have been hiding from others. So no, it is not silly.
Now for the loss of that feeling I think that is because you want to be closer but yet at the same time it is a pattern of life to push away because I am sure like me you have trust issues. That is deep rooted and hard to go against and you fear being hurt so you lose the connection over time. That is why I think once a week T is necessary to maintain gains. Anything less makes it easy to stay disconnected and distant. JMHO though.
I think you explain it very well and it makes sense and makes me understand why my T and I haven't bonded yet. I still hold back and part of it has been the time in between. Again, try to keep the connection or at least remember you can connect again when you see him . Maybe for a while that is all any of us can expect because we have been in this situation of mistrust for so long it takes time to stop doing it and stay connected. Take care, rk
Posted by Daisym on October 17, 2007, at 23:02:34
In reply to Re: Therapist away for just a week » rskontos, posted by Dinah on October 16, 2007, at 20:19:04
I was touched reading your last post. I think I've felt that shift with my therapist too - things are deeper, more intimate and yet some how more relaxed too. I think about the jokes between us and the fact that he'll call me to check in. When I tell some people that, they get all worried - like "ack! What about the therapeutic frame?" -- But it works for me. And I trust that it works for him. And then there will be times when I get upset with him and he is less available, in a psychological sense. It is the ebb and flow of a real relationship.
So it isn't silly at all to miss him. It is "normal" and appropriate to miss him. It shows how deep your attachment is and I think it is just great.
Except...that you are hurting some. For that I'm sorry. So I want you to be able to miss him without actually having to. Does that make sense?
Posted by Dinah on October 18, 2007, at 9:19:17
In reply to Re: Therapist away for just a week, posted by rskontos on October 17, 2007, at 11:13:22
Thanks. :)
Trust has definitely been an ongoing issue for me. It's hard for me to trust someone. Especially since I'm fully aware that in the end, he's going to hurt me. It's inevitable given the parameters of the relationship. Or maybe it's inevitable in any relationship. Most of the time I figure it's worth it. Sometimes I don't.
But I also have separate troubles connecting at times. I'm not really sure why. It might be more of a brain thing than an emotional thing. Or it might be anxiety related. I'm not sure.
Posted by Dinah on October 18, 2007, at 9:29:42
In reply to Re: Therapist away for just a week » Dinah, posted by Daisym on October 17, 2007, at 23:02:34
:)
I too sometimes appreciate the ability to feel pain concerning connection. It means I'm connected. Since I'm not always, and since it feels better to hurt than to not care, I have very mixed feelings about feeling loss.
I can't imagine my therapist ever calling me without my calling him first. But I'm sure to the eyes of others the therapeutic frame seems awfully bent.
Maybe sometimes with long term therapeutic relationships the relationship just grows in a pattern that doesn't fit the traditional rigid frame. It doesn't mean the boundaries aren't there, or that they aren't ironclad in their own ways. We probably both would like things from our therapists that they just don't feel comfortable giving while keeping their therapeutic boundaries. In my case, my therapist has enormously firm boundaries - and so do I. If he inadvertently strayed across mine, I'd likely tell him, or at least shoo him away. If I come close to his, he'd likely be more gentle in asking what getting that would mean to me or something silly like that. But he says (and in such a way that I'm inclined to both take offense and believe he means it) that I don't come anywhere near his boundaries and that he really appreciates that in me.
I once told him that he was giving me too much credit. That I challenged the emotional boundaries constantly in the therapeutic space. That I constantly pressed for him to be real, to care about me, to say what he's thinking, to feel more than he's feeling. But he said that was appropriate challenging of the boundaries. That that was what I was supposed to do.
I'm not entirely sure if that's true...
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.