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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pegasus on October 8, 2007, at 11:04:45
I've been working at a hospice recently, and it's made me really think about some of the people in my life with whom I have unfinished business. I decided to try to write a letter to my sister. Not sure if I'd ever send it, but I thought it would be useful to see what came out when I tried to work through what felt like unfinished stuff that I wanted to communicate.
I have a pretty entangled relationship with her. We were super close as kids (just one year apart), which was both good and bad. As adults we've drifted apart and now I only see her once a year (if that) and we almost never talk on the phone. Yet, she still feels like home to me. I think she parented me more than my parents did in some ways. In the sense that she paid more attention to me than they did. Since she was only a year or so older, that wasn't necessarily a good thing. I mean, she was pretty unskilled, and unintentional about it. So, I struggle a lot with that as an adult. Not her fault, but it's still there, you know?
So, trying to write this letter is just so . . . hard. I wanted to tell her how important she is to me, but I also have a lot of anger which is hard to keep out of it. And then on the other hand, I really understand why she would have done the things she did, so then I question my anger, and end up all tangled in various confusing emotions and thoughts. And how much, or which parts, of this is worth trying to put into words directed toward her? I'm starting to wonder whether this is a good idea after all.
Have any of you done this and had it be a beneficial thing for you? Maybe it's easier with a less ambiguous relationship? Maybe I need to write two letters, from the loving and the angry perspectives.
peg
Posted by rskontos on October 8, 2007, at 11:25:36
In reply to those letters you write without meaning to send, posted by pegasus on October 8, 2007, at 11:04:45
Peg, I am the older sister forced to parent the younger. My younger sister and I finally had that talk. It did us a world of good. She was angry too and didn't understand why I did what I did. She didn't understand I was protecting her from the illness and dirtyness of my parents violent relationship. Once she knew I wasn't trying to isolate her, I of course didn't know how she felt I was doing the best a 15 year old can be expected to do. We were both victims in a very bad situations. Trying to survive. We are doing great now and talk all the time. We are both unconnected to the world but we try to connect to each other. We love each other. We try to remember each other is there. It is tough but are making it work. It is always worth a try because while there is always good and bad you still share blood and something could be great is a possiblity. Now I have another sister and I have no idea where she lives. We will probably always be estranged. Just the way it is. Write them. Put them away for a few days and then re-read them. If you want to still send them go ahead. It might be tough for her, it was tough for me to hear what my sister said but we worked through it all and now it is worth it all. We yelled, hey we are sisters, we screamed, we listened and we finally got through it.....
Good luck, let me know how it goes. rk
Posted by DAisym on October 8, 2007, at 15:38:46
In reply to Re: those letters you write without meaning to send, posted by rskontos on October 8, 2007, at 11:25:36
Aren't most important relationships ambiguous? I think writing the letters from both perspectives is a great idea. It will probably provide clarity and a needed release of all that has been pent up. Even if you understand her probable reasons for hurting you, it still hurt. Writing it out will allow you to reflect on the hurt, and whether you need to talk it out with her, or work on it in therapy, if it is more about you holding on to it somehow.
I definitely parented my younger sister. She called me up a few years ago and let me have it for "letting" my dad abuse her. She told me all about how he touched her. She has no idea what happened to me (she's a lot younger) -- and I still have not told her. I admit to thinking "that's it? That's all that happened to you? Let me tell you about REAL abuse..." but that would be my stuff. What happened to her was traumatic and not my fault. (OK, I can type that, I still have a hard time believing it.) And a lot of this is anger that should be placed on our mother. So she is working through it. And I am too, in my relationship with her. I won't lie to you - it was hard to hear and I did want to defend myself. As your sister probably will too. But it sounds like it is important to you to reconnect and she will appreciate that, I'm guessing.
I agree - write the letters, let them sit for a few days and then decide what to do.
Posted by pegasus on October 10, 2007, at 10:04:24
In reply to Re: those letters you write without meaning to send, posted by rskontos on October 8, 2007, at 11:25:36
Oh, wow, RS, you actually hashed it out live and in person? I'm not sure I'm brave enough for that. Or even capable of doing it. I think I may only be able to address this when not in her presence. When we're together, I'm so under the influence of our previous relationship patterns. Which don't involve me telling her anything about how I feel about our relationship. It's all about trying to get her approval.
Thanks so much for your perspective. I would like to get to the place that exists beyond this conversation.
peg
Posted by pegasus on October 10, 2007, at 10:12:19
In reply to Re: those letters - csa trigger warning, posted by DAisym on October 8, 2007, at 15:38:46
Daisy, I wish my sister were like you. You're at least experienced in dealing with this type of thing, through your own therapy and other life experiences. My sister is queen of denial of feelings. My whole family, actually. Sure, they'll yell when they get mad, but if I try to say something about how I feel in relation to them, they'll shut me up quick enough.
Truly, I had an argument with my family or origin at a Thanksgiving a while back, where we got into a big fight while playing a game (I was too slow on my turn), and I then tried to say how I felt. I got as far as, "When you rush me on my turn, I feel stupid, and . . . " They literally told me that they didn't want to hear about how I felt. They just were not interested. I'm worried I'll get that response from my sister if I really try to do this communicating.
I did manage to write the letter from a position of love. I think I will try to write one from anger next, and see what happens. I'll have to think long and hard about whether I could send either one of them. Can I handle the likely smack down?
peg
Posted by rskontos on October 10, 2007, at 17:31:51
In reply to Re: those letters » DAisym, posted by pegasus on October 10, 2007, at 10:12:19
Peg, yes we did handle it in person. It was tough and took a while to work through but we finally have gotten to a nice place. My sister had more memories than I do and it helps me. It hurt me to think I thought I was helping her but she saw it differently. It made me realize that while we have good intentions they are not always seen that way. It helped her to voice her frustrations as well. We both now know that each of us tried to survive a difficult childhood the best way we could and we had different roles. She understand better now that she is a mom.
Communicate the way you feel the most comfortable so that you get said what you want to say. To let the past go and to let your sister know how you feel and how you would like a relationship with her. My sister and I have now progressed to just sisters. I no longer try to parent her. We have grown and you and your sister can too it will just take time and communication from both. Hopefully can hear you. I didn't hear my sister at first, it too time and I had to really listen to her. I am glad I did! rk
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