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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dory on October 9, 2007, at 8:56:35
i've been over this before.. in my own threads and in others. Caring. i have trouble with it.. meaning i cannot accept that my T cares. i can't. Caring means more than he is allowed to do, or more than he chooses to do. It's one-hour caring rental.
i'm not sure how to process this.
our connection is stronger now.. but i'm not sure entirely what that means. i know *i* care.
the best i am able to say is "he's a really good guy."
Posted by emily99 on October 9, 2007, at 10:12:30
In reply to caring, posted by Dory on October 9, 2007, at 8:56:35
Dory, I've had trouble with this, too. It's hard for me to believe that someone else would really care about me -- especially a T who doesn't even know me (yet). For so long I've felt that I shouldn't even exist. Why me? I shouldn't even have the right to be on this planet, and that God made me just to feel bad all the time. I "know" that none of this is true, but it's how I feel a lot of the time anyway.
I know that I care a lot about you, and have followed your posts. You are a very sweet, loving, caring individual. I appreciate you a lot! We all care for each other on this board, and it helps me to care more about myself.
I'm sorry you're feeling down about this. It's 24/7 caring here, and I'm !sure! your T cares a great deal about you, too.
Emily
Posted by Daisym on October 9, 2007, at 10:53:06
In reply to Re: caring » Dory, posted by emily99 on October 9, 2007, at 10:12:30
Perhaps you could try to imagine someone in your own life that you pay -- but care about. Like your hair stylist or gardener or whatever. These people get paid for what they do, but we care about them for who they are. I get paid to work with kids and families, (I need to feed my family) but I really do care about these people.
It isn't that I don't struggle with this. I go more for the "OK, I accept that you care about me but do you LIKE me?" Coming back to therapy after a long break I said it was probably a relief for him not to have to deal with my intensity for a while. He said, "actually, I missed you. I like working with you."
The other thing I think about is this -- is your therapist the kind of person who doesn't care about other people? Do they really seem to be only in it for the moment and for the money? What does that say about them? Perhaps you don't feel you deserve his caring - and that is a different issue - but my bet is that he does care and that is very, very scary.
It is so very hard, isn't it?
Posted by Poet on October 9, 2007, at 11:30:12
In reply to caring, posted by Dory on October 9, 2007, at 8:56:35
Hi Dory,
I have big issues with the "care" word, too. My T says "I know you don't like to hear this" before she says she cares about me. I don't think I'm worthy of someone caring about me, is that how you feel too?
I haven't told my T I care about her, though she once said I think you care about me, too, and I didn't disagree, I think I nodded yes.
You would think that after five years of therapy I would accept that she cares about me beyond that I am a paying client, but it's my low self esteem that prevents me from allowing it.
Poet
Posted by JoniS on October 9, 2007, at 12:05:10
In reply to Re: caring » Dory, posted by Poet on October 9, 2007, at 11:30:12
I have the same issue. My logical mind says he cares, but he cares about each of his clients. My heart says, I care so deeply about him. I want him to care deeply about me. But he doesn't. Not only that, but maybe he is disgusted with me dreaming about how badly I want to be in his life.
Babble is the next place I go when I am longing for love and it's not available from my T. It is very supporting here, very caring people.
Thanks for your post
Joni
Posted by JoniS on October 9, 2007, at 12:23:11
In reply to Caring - me too » Poet, posted by JoniS on October 9, 2007, at 12:05:10
Posted by muffled on October 9, 2007, at 13:29:05
In reply to caring, posted by Dory on October 9, 2007, at 8:56:35
> i've been over this before.. in my own threads and in others. Caring. i have trouble with it.. meaning i cannot accept that my T cares. i can't. Caring means more than he is allowed to do, or more than he chooses to do. It's one-hour caring rental.
**whoah, weird, I just posted in a post bout how I DO NOT understand WHY my T puts up w/me.
And that I working hard to not be attached.
I don't understand this stuff.
WHY don't my T just tell me to f*ck right off?
I don't get it?
I keep thinking that she is SO good at the old 'unconditional acceptance', but that under her professionalism, she msut be thinking..'ick, yuk, I'm GLAD she's outta here...:-(
I'm REALLY HATING T these days, don't wanna go.
Its hard isn't it Dory :-(
M
Posted by Quintal on October 9, 2007, at 17:36:53
In reply to caring, posted by Dory on October 9, 2007, at 8:56:35
I used to worry about the same thing with my T. I think it's about feeling vulnerable among people who can see our weaknesses. Do we worry about being exploited? I think so. Can we trust this person? I suppose it depends on what we imagine their attitude and intentions towards us to be, and also on our attitude and intentions towards them, and they're not mutually exclusive. The way I see it, if we're open about it, the process can be an exchange of information, you explain the problem, and the T gives you the information you need to solve the problem. To me, caring means T won't exploit me, they'll help me solve the problem. There are clear boundaries between us, over which neither of us steps without the other's permission. There's also unconditional positive regard, which I suppose could be a bit like faith; that we commit to reaching a positive outcome, even when we have deal with distressing material.
Q
Posted by muffled on October 9, 2007, at 17:41:33
In reply to Re: caring, posted by Quintal on October 9, 2007, at 17:36:53
Posted by Quintal on October 9, 2007, at 17:46:12
In reply to Wow, cool post (nm) » Quintal, posted by muffled on October 9, 2007, at 17:41:33
Posted by Dory on October 9, 2007, at 20:42:34
In reply to Re: caring, posted by Quintal on October 9, 2007, at 17:36:53
somebody (and gosh there are a lot of you!) said something about wanting their T to not just care but to *like* them... and someone else said they wanted him to care deeply and he doesn't. Those are both relevant to me personally.. i don't want my T to care deeply in any sort of romantic sense or anything... but i want "caring" to be the same sort of caring any of those other "paid" people in my life might give me, or i them. If my GP cared (and no worries there, i think she had her heart removed), she can give me a call to see how i am, just out of the blue. i can have a coffee with my dentist, or professor, or whatever.
i'm not exactly wanting more contact outside of sessions, but the rules applied to T's are very different than *any* other of relationship.
i do not think for a second that he is in it for the money, and god knows it sure isn't exciting to slave over neurotics all day. i think he is a caring person. It just means something different for me. There are obviously different types of caring and there are many uses of the word..
i care about what i get for lunch tomorrow
i care about my mother
i care about my dogs
i don't care for bananas
i care about starving kids in the third worldsee what i mean?
*if* he cared, what would that mean? If i died, how would he react? If i got terribly ill, what would happen? anything? nothing? am i lunch, starving kids or a banana?
do i think he couldn't possibly care because i am too disgusting in some way? no. i don't think i am revolting inside somewhere. i sometimes feel like i am rotting inside, but that is something different. i am not afraid he would not care for that reason.
i suppose i am not so much afraid he would not care, as much as i know he cannot. i can be a starving kid in the third world.
do i think i am not worthy of someone caring? possibly. i think even the most well adapted has insecurities about self worth. i'm not sure how to answer that. In some ways, i feel as worthy as anyone and in some ways i do not.
i am sorry anyone might feel they are not worthy to exist.. of all the reasons someone might cease to exist, this one would be the most tragic i think. i do understand those feelings though, even though that is not the reason that often drives me close to the edge.
the thing which really sticking in me lately... is this notion of him being "a really good guy." It's like i can't find quite the right words... but you know what they are but that would be a contradiction in how i define caring. don't laugh yet, i don't believe he *cares about me* i just think he's a caring guy generally.
one thing i should fess up about though, and i think this makes a big difference. He said to me once that because of my history my emotions grew louder and louder until they just got more than i can handle. That's why when i crash it's so intense. EVERYTHING i feel is intense. There is something that doesn't work right in dampening it. The superficial kind of caring a T can give just doesn't even feel as strong as flower petals
This is the end of the thread.
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