Posted by Dory on October 9, 2007, at 20:42:34
In reply to Re: caring, posted by Quintal on October 9, 2007, at 17:36:53
somebody (and gosh there are a lot of you!) said something about wanting their T to not just care but to *like* them... and someone else said they wanted him to care deeply and he doesn't. Those are both relevant to me personally.. i don't want my T to care deeply in any sort of romantic sense or anything... but i want "caring" to be the same sort of caring any of those other "paid" people in my life might give me, or i them. If my GP cared (and no worries there, i think she had her heart removed), she can give me a call to see how i am, just out of the blue. i can have a coffee with my dentist, or professor, or whatever.
i'm not exactly wanting more contact outside of sessions, but the rules applied to T's are very different than *any* other of relationship.
i do not think for a second that he is in it for the money, and god knows it sure isn't exciting to slave over neurotics all day. i think he is a caring person. It just means something different for me. There are obviously different types of caring and there are many uses of the word..
i care about what i get for lunch tomorrow
i care about my mother
i care about my dogs
i don't care for bananas
i care about starving kids in the third worldsee what i mean?
*if* he cared, what would that mean? If i died, how would he react? If i got terribly ill, what would happen? anything? nothing? am i lunch, starving kids or a banana?
do i think he couldn't possibly care because i am too disgusting in some way? no. i don't think i am revolting inside somewhere. i sometimes feel like i am rotting inside, but that is something different. i am not afraid he would not care for that reason.
i suppose i am not so much afraid he would not care, as much as i know he cannot. i can be a starving kid in the third world.
do i think i am not worthy of someone caring? possibly. i think even the most well adapted has insecurities about self worth. i'm not sure how to answer that. In some ways, i feel as worthy as anyone and in some ways i do not.
i am sorry anyone might feel they are not worthy to exist.. of all the reasons someone might cease to exist, this one would be the most tragic i think. i do understand those feelings though, even though that is not the reason that often drives me close to the edge.
the thing which really sticking in me lately... is this notion of him being "a really good guy." It's like i can't find quite the right words... but you know what they are but that would be a contradiction in how i define caring. don't laugh yet, i don't believe he *cares about me* i just think he's a caring guy generally.
one thing i should fess up about though, and i think this makes a big difference. He said to me once that because of my history my emotions grew louder and louder until they just got more than i can handle. That's why when i crash it's so intense. EVERYTHING i feel is intense. There is something that doesn't work right in dampening it. The superficial kind of caring a T can give just doesn't even feel as strong as flower petals
poster:Dory
thread:788047
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071009/msgs/788147.html