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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 26. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Poet on September 22, 2007, at 12:16:02
I thought the book Running With Scissors would be a funny look at someone's dysfunctional childhood. I was not prepared for a graphic description of sexual abuse. I should have called me T, but didn't and waited until Thursday's session and by then my anxiety level was at an all time high. Clonazepam was not cutting it. Chardonnay and clonazepam were not cutting it. I could not get the image out of my mind. My T told me that what I read retraumatized me.
She of course, said I should have called her, but she also knows that I can't talk about this. It's like all of this horrible stuff is inside me and I can't even tell her. She said, "can we work through this? what are you comfortable talking about." I said "nothing, I'm sorry I came here." She said, "what are you comfortable hearing me say?"
I'm not comfortable with her saying much, but she managed to get my anxiety level down by the end of the session. She talked, I repeated and we did tapping: tap various parts on the face, body and hands while saying (sometimes silently for me) things like "even though I was abused by my brother, I deeply love myself." I only crossed my arms and legs tightly once. She said it was okay, I needed to do that.
We're going to work on this next week, maybe I'll write things down and let her read it again. Though last time she read it out loud. I wish I could just spill my guts, but I can't, not even with a T I've been seeing for five years.
Poet
Posted by fallsfall on September 22, 2007, at 13:11:20
In reply to Retraumatized, CSA Trigger, posted by Poet on September 22, 2007, at 12:16:02
(((_____ Poet_______)))
(those are air hugs)
Yes, that was a pretty graphic book, I can certainly understand why it would effect you this way. Try to be kind to yourself, and let your therapist help you as you are able.
Falls.
Posted by muffled on September 22, 2007, at 13:14:23
In reply to Retraumatized, CSA Trigger, posted by Poet on September 22, 2007, at 12:16:02
((Poet))
Sorry this happened :-(
I wonder if your T just gives you lotsa empathy whether that might break the dam that holds stuff back? Y'know, talks to about how bad she feels for the child that was hurt, how confused she must have been, how kid got bad feelings and she needn't cuz it weren't her fault etc etc, and then maybe things'll break loose? I hope this isn't triggering....I just have such control most of the time, but then I fall apart :-(
But you remind me of me Poet, in that you ARE one tough cookie. And I know you will be able to work thru this sh*t and improve your life. Make it more comfortable.
I dunno if you split at all? Sorry, can't remember, but I think it helps greatly if you can make sure all your ways are in some sort of agreement.
Then,
UGH.
I dunno, I sorta like you , I can't say. Though I got nothing to say anyways, but my kid wants to cry and be comforted, but she not allowed. Thats what I think anyways.
NO TOUCH. NO CRY.
My T has been reassuring me ALOT, that T IS so hard, the hardest thing. That I am brave cuz I not running away, or if I do, I come back. She says I am working hard and trying hard and its all super scarey, but that we can work together, that I have made progress....
Its all so hard, hang in there Poet.
Emotions DO pass.
Emotions are just emotions, they not living things.
Try and be extra nice to yourself, amd kind to yourself, and phone T as need be.
M
Posted by ClearSkies on September 22, 2007, at 14:58:30
In reply to Retraumatized, CSA Trigger, posted by Poet on September 22, 2007, at 12:16:02
I was surprised at what triggered me too this past week, Poet. I'm sorry you've had such a hard time of it. It took my T to point all the bits out to me for me to put it together (and I can't talk about it even remotely yet). Shame is such a harsh thing.
Just try to let the good bits, like the tapping help, filter through. Take what you can.
I'm sending healing thoughts to you.
ClearSkies
Posted by Dory on September 22, 2007, at 17:37:21
In reply to Retraumatized, CSA Trigger, posted by Poet on September 22, 2007, at 12:16:02
That sounds so painful. i am so sorry. Last weekend i had something similar happen with a film festival. It cuts through you.
That's why i run. i run fast. It must hurt like hell.
i hope you can find ways to open up to your T. Getting it out there is so hard but so important.
again, i am so sorry
Posted by RealMe on September 22, 2007, at 21:04:29
In reply to Retraumatized, CSA Trigger, posted by Poet on September 22, 2007, at 12:16:02
Do you think you could write about one incident, not everything and then either read it to your T, or let T read it. That would be a start.
RealMe
Posted by Poet on September 23, 2007, at 12:40:35
In reply to Re: Retraumatized, CSA Trigger, posted by fallsfall on September 22, 2007, at 13:11:20
Hi Falls,
Thank you for the air hugs. Being kind to myself is as always nearly impossible, but I will try.
Poet
Posted by Poet on September 23, 2007, at 12:47:58
In reply to Re: Retraumatized, CSA Trigger » Poet, posted by muffled on September 22, 2007, at 13:14:23
Hi Muffled,
My traumatized inner child could use a good cry. I never cry in therapy, I suppose its because nobody paid attention to that crying kid back then so why bother now?
You are right that I am a tough cookie. You are very wise, too, because emotions do pass. Though this one feels like a living thing, it will pass and I have to let my T help me even though that is going to be horrible to get through. I'm going to try writing to her and if she reads it out loud I will be a tough cookie.
Thanks for your wisdom and understanding.
Poet
Posted by Poet on September 23, 2007, at 12:52:13
In reply to Re: Retraumatized, CSA Trigger, posted by ClearSkies on September 22, 2007, at 14:58:30
Hi ClearSkies,
Thank you for the healing thoughts. I need them. I hope you can get through what triggered you. Reading that part of the book just leveled me, I still can't get that damn image out of my head. I will tap, I will write and I need to let my T help me because there is no way I can get through this alone.
I'm sending healing thoughts your way.
Poet
Posted by Poet on September 23, 2007, at 12:55:31
In reply to Re: Retraumatized, CSA Trigger » Poet, posted by Dory on September 22, 2007, at 17:37:21
Hi Dory,
It does cut right through you. I can't believe that a few pages in a book could do this to me, but it me hard. Getting it out there will be hard, but I need to. I'm going to try writing and let my T read it. I need to get it out there and out of me.
Poet
Posted by Poet on September 23, 2007, at 12:57:58
In reply to Re: Retraumatized, CSA Trigger » Poet, posted by RealMe on September 22, 2007, at 21:04:29
Hi RealMe,
I think you have a really good idea: I'm going to try writing about one incident. If I get scared I don't have to let my T see it, but I hope I can because I need to get through this.
I'll post how it goes. I see her on Thursday.
Poet
Posted by Racer on September 23, 2007, at 14:49:40
In reply to Re: Retraumatized, CSA Trigger » RealMe, posted by Poet on September 23, 2007, at 12:57:58
I can't add anything to what anyone else has said. So, I'll just say this: I'm glad you're my friend, I value you very highly.
And you deserve it.
Posted by RealMe on September 23, 2007, at 23:34:20
In reply to Re: Retraumatized, CSA Trigger » RealMe, posted by Poet on September 23, 2007, at 12:57:58
I hope it goes well by trying just one incident. This is what I did, and it was extremely painful talking about it and feeling the emotion, and I did start crying which I simply hate doing in front of my therapist. He was helpful though in terms of also showing how it connected to some now experiences, and so I left feeling very sad but also hopeful. Of course this waxes and wanes. Some days I want to say to him go to hell and did last week. It is very exhausting to go into talking about that stuff.
You said something about how long you had been in therapy and not worked on it. I know the feeling. There was a time I was in therapy for 9 years and refused to talk about it. Then we moved away. I was not in therapy for 11 to 12 years, but when I learned my old T had died, I was devastated. Then everything went to hell in a handbasket, physically and mentally. My last T did not help and made matterts worse by recommendding the ECT that I did but quit early. I have only been seeing my new T since the beginning of May, and I have started to talk about the past crap. I could tell he was a caring person, etc. right away, and I figured as much as he costs, I better just spit it out. So, I did, and now I want to back track all the time.
It is not easy to get it out, and it is not easy to continue to look at it. I go one incident at a time and then on to something else the next time we meet. I just cannot continue with going over the past stuff session after session. I need a break or I will be a basket case. I hope it goes well, and yes please let us know how therapy goes. I fully understand not wanting to experience the pain, but think of it this way, you are already in pain, and the first step is to start to get it out so that the damn pain can be finally once and for all relieved. I care what happens to you, and so do a lot of others.
RealME
Posted by B2chica on September 24, 2007, at 8:24:05
In reply to Retraumatized, CSA Trigger, posted by Poet on September 22, 2007, at 12:16:02
((((((((Poet))))))))))
i'm so sorry it was so triggering for you. but THANK YOU for posting it...i recently wrote a list of books i wanted to read and that is one of them! i know i saw the movie while ago, but i didn't remember any abuse in it? maybe it was a tough dissociative time for me?? or maybe they skipped over that when they made the movie? who knows.
but i think i'll pass on reading this for now.
Thank you again for posting of this books trigger...i wish there was a site we could go to that listed all the books/movies that could be triggering for those with CSA.
b2c.
Posted by Poet on September 24, 2007, at 18:58:29
In reply to Re: Retraumatized, CSA Trigger » Poet, posted by Racer on September 23, 2007, at 14:49:40
Thanks, Racer. I value your friendship (and you as a person, too.)
Poet
Posted by Poet on September 24, 2007, at 19:08:41
In reply to Re: Retraumatized, CSA Trigger » Poet, posted by RealMe on September 23, 2007, at 23:34:20
Hi RealMe,
You wrote: I better just spit it out. So, I did, and now I want to back track all the time.
There's a big part of me that says deny everything and run out her door as fast as I can. I remember the first time she touched on this subject and I felt like a deer caught in the headlights. Now I feel like a deer that got leveled by a truck.
The trouble with denial is that these feelings will resurface again. I can try to fool my T, but I'm hard pressed to try to fool myself.
You are right that I am in pain and the first step is to get it out. Hope I can.
Thanks for your encouragement. I need it.
Poet
Posted by Poet on September 24, 2007, at 19:26:24
In reply to Re: Retraumatized, CSA Trigger » Poet, posted by B2chica on September 24, 2007, at 8:24:05
Hi B2chica,
They probably left it out of the movie for fear of an NC-17 rating. I'm glad they did leave it out, it was hard enough reading it. At least for me it was.
Usually things don't trigger me, but the description was just too real for me and really hit me hard.
Thanks for the hugs.
Poet
Posted by RealMe on September 24, 2007, at 20:06:59
In reply to Re: Retraumatized, CSA Trigger » RealMe, posted by Poet on September 24, 2007, at 19:08:41
And if you don't do it this time, it's okay. I am good at knowing what to do and not as good at following my own advice at times. Take Care.
RealMe
Posted by Poet on September 28, 2007, at 10:22:34
In reply to Re: Retraumatized, CSA Trigger » Poet, posted by RealMe on September 24, 2007, at 20:06:59
I did write something, but couldn't even bring myself to drop and dash it, but I haven't torn it up so maybe next week. Uh huh, sure.
What we did talk about was that contact with my brother upsets me. I handle him better on the rare occassions he is at my house because that is my territory. Going to my parents house (duplex they are in half, HE is in the other half) provokes anxiety because that is his territory and where it all happened. T says that I should tell my parents that it upsets me how he has trashed (which he has) his flat and that I will only come over for holidays. In other words I will not pick my mother up to take her shopping. I suppose she could stand on the sidewalk, but she's 80. I just don't see how this would work.
I need to keep tapping and I will keep writing and maybe next week I will hand it to her and run.
Poet
Posted by RealMe on September 28, 2007, at 20:56:31
In reply to Touched on it a little bit, posted by Poet on September 28, 2007, at 10:22:34
What about emailing it, Poet? Of course when I have done that, I often regret it, but it is too late. This is how I have said some things to him, and then he has been really good about what he does with it.
Like today after I said I don't know what to say as I don't want to get upset and have things spill over into my job. My therapist said, "should we talk about the email you sent me?" I said, "I don't remember what I said," which was true. I had tried to block it out of my mind. So, he said, "it had something to do with being alone and feeling lonely when you were younger." So, I started talking about that and why it was I felt that way as a child. I am a little reluctant to go into details now, and I don't feel comfortable saying why. It is not you or most people posting. Anyway, we talked about a lot of things including some of the csa that occured after the earlier stuff and later when I was in my teens. And, we talked about how lonely I was in high school and my crazy brother who I thought for sure would kill me and/or my mother, especially after he bought a gun.
So my therapist was saying he understood now why I felt so alone with him being more silent, and toward the end of the session, he did what I like when he sort of summed things up and how he saw things and helped to make the connections from the past to the present. Part of what he said had to do with what he saw as me being subordinate to a number of men who used me. He also said something else that sort of was rather provacative again I guess to make the point, and like he has done in the past and that I know is deliberate. I have been thinking about what he said, and it disturbs me just how he said it. I know in my head what he means, but in my heart it hurts because of the implication. I feel like I am going to cry, and maybe I need to email him and let him know. I am sure I am taking it in a way he never meant, but I just need to know.
I felt a lot more connected with my therapist today because he commented on things and said he understands now why I felt hurt by this or that comment he has made. I think the only way he can help is if I do spit it out, and I know I am semi-glossing over things with him right now in therapy, but it is all I can do right now.
So, the more therapists know, the more they can understand and help. At the same time, it is also very scary to realize they know more and more. I don't think my therapist will throw anything up in my face. In fact I know he won't, but my mother used to do that when I trusted her, and other people in my life have done it as well. So, what do you think about the email idea??
RealMe (OzLand)
Posted by Poet on September 30, 2007, at 15:41:41
In reply to Re: Touched on it a little bit » Poet, posted by RealMe on September 28, 2007, at 20:56:31
Hi RealMe,
I am afraid to email her because her response will be "we'll talk about this on Thursday" and I will not want to talk about it.
Though when I was journaling she was real good about not talking about what I let her read unless I brought it up. I would probably regret emailing her, but it might be easier then writing it on paper and knowing through the entire session that it's in my purse and the anxiety of dropping it and dashing out the door at the end of the session. It is still in my purse.
If I do email her I'll do it on Wednesday then she has time to read it before Thursday and I can always send her another email saying do not mention previous email. Coward that I am.
Thank you for your idea and for helping me realize that I do need to spill some of this or I am going to explode.
Poet
Posted by RealMe on September 30, 2007, at 17:42:24
In reply to Re: Touched on it a little bit » RealMe, posted by Poet on September 30, 2007, at 15:41:41
I have already done what you said. I have emailed stuff to my therapist from my journaling, and at the session or before I say I don't want to discuss what I sent you. I am not ready to talk about it yet, and my T has been respectful of that. So, it's not being a coward; I look at it like, now my T knows, and though I know we might not talk about it today or next week, he knows. And when I am ready, he will know why it is so hard to talk about already. Okay I sound like a broken record. Cripes.
RealMe
Posted by Poet on October 1, 2007, at 16:28:06
In reply to Re: Touched on it a little bit » Poet, posted by RealMe on September 30, 2007, at 17:42:24
I RealMe,
It's okay to sound like a broken record. I am amazed how patient my T is with my I don't want to talk about this. I can't talk about that, I can't talk about that, either sessions.
Today I really feel like calling her, but it's her day off and I don't want to wreck her day off with a "sorry, I want to talk to you, but can't call." Maybe email her, I don't know. I am a broken record, too.
Poet
Posted by RealMe on October 1, 2007, at 19:56:54
In reply to Re: Touched on it a little bit, posted by Poet on October 1, 2007, at 16:28:06
You are not a broken record at all. After what I got as an email from my T when I emailed him my concernss about how he views some things given the language he used, I am not sure I am going to continue with him. He may be nice, and maybe he would never abandon me, etc. But I can't work with someone whose ideas about abuse convey something not very nice about a victim. Later.
RealMe
Posted by Poet on October 3, 2007, at 18:38:07
In reply to Re: Touched on it a little bit » Poet, posted by RealMe on October 1, 2007, at 19:56:54
Hi RealMe,
I didn't say much, but I told her that my inner child and adult me are being triggered more lately. Something happened at work that triggered it, and I ended up taking it out on someone else. I don't think I'll get in trouble as this person is a pain who nobody wants to deal with except for one person who is gone for the entire month. I have my defense ready if it does blow.
Poet
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