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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on September 7, 2007, at 1:37:41
This is a related topic, but different from the above...
Aside from the talk about needing her last week, I also told her I was quitting group. Last week was my last session of group, and -- since we were talking about something I thought was more important -- it was a doorknob disclosure. I did tell the group last week that I was quitting, at least for now.
Today, my T brought that up -- and it was what I was afraid of: she thought that was me acting out because I was pissed at her. She said she understood and believed me when I told her the real reason I was quitting, but it brought up another whole can of worms. I quit because another woman was re-joining the group, and she drives me out of my gourd! I just can't take her right now -- I was so thrilled when she quit group, I can't even begin to tell you.
Of course, my T said that it would have helped the group a lot if I had said part of what drives me so nuts with this woman: "So, uh, if you're so good at everything, and so recovered -- why are you here?" Part of me says, "Well, it will keep the group going, and I can help by saying that to bring it out, and that would be doing good..." But no -- I still quit.
Now I'm kinda spinning -- I'm proud of myself for not doing something simply to feel as though I'm taking care of my T, the group, etc. But I'm also feeling as though I can't really take credit for doing that, because of the timing with the transference issues, etc.
Would someone just -- make it stop?
I did tell my T something I said to someone the other day: "How do I feel? I don't know -- I came from a very poor family, we couldn't afford feelings for EVERYONE." That is how I feel, quite often...
Posted by Dinah on September 7, 2007, at 9:49:10
In reply to And I quit group..., posted by Racer on September 7, 2007, at 1:37:41
Actually you can really take extra credit. Someone asked something of you, and you said no. Yet you don't hate your therapist or think she's a bad person. You just couldn't meet her need.
Posted by Racer on September 7, 2007, at 12:36:30
In reply to Re: And I quit group... » Racer, posted by Dinah on September 7, 2007, at 9:49:10
> Actually you can really take extra credit. Someone asked something of you, and you said no. Yet you don't hate your therapist or think she's a bad person. You just couldn't meet her need.
Hm...
I came to a similar conclusion last night, but it was a bit different: I got extra credit, because I expressed my need to quit group, and I stuck with that need, despite my fear that my T would see it as acting out, or "punishing" her. That fear is so overwhelming -- it's part of that whole thing about being unseen, unheard, etc.
Thank you, Dinah.
Posted by Poet on September 7, 2007, at 13:33:31
In reply to And I quit group..., posted by Racer on September 7, 2007, at 1:37:41
Hi Racer,
I would never have started group, so please give yourself credit for sticking it out as long as you did. I disagree with your T, I don't see how your letting the group know that woman drives you nuts enough to quit the group is beneficial. If I heard that I'd think about if that woman drives me nuts, too. That would stop the group, not keep it going. My five cents, I'm feeling rich today.
As they said in the 60s stop the world I want to get off. Damn gravity.
Poet
Posted by Honore on September 7, 2007, at 14:20:38
In reply to Re: And I quit group... » Racer, posted by Poet on September 7, 2007, at 13:33:31
Your T must have been desperate to resort to 'you can help the group"-- that's not your job. If it isn't good for you to be in a group with that woman-- myself having had that experience with someone in a group-- it isn't. They can handle their own feelings on their own.
I say you get tons of extra credit-- for sticking with what you need, for not feeling like you had to give your T what she needed, or do what she wanted, so she wouldn't think badly of you.
I say it's a huge step forward. Could be the leaving the group this way is the best thing you get from the group? maybe that's not fair-- but it's pretty great. It's really hard to stick with/up for yourself.
Honore
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 7, 2007, at 19:02:08
In reply to Re: And I quit group..., posted by Honore on September 7, 2007, at 14:20:38
It kind of sounds like your T was asking you to pack your bags to go on a guilt trip.
Good for you for putting your personal priorities first. If you don't stick up for you, who will?
-ll
Posted by RealMe on September 8, 2007, at 14:47:26
In reply to And I quit group..., posted by Racer on September 7, 2007, at 1:37:41
Only one little comment. Would helping the group so to speak help you? Is that something that would facilitate your growth? If not, toss this.
RealMe
(OzLand)
Posted by Racer on September 8, 2007, at 16:02:13
In reply to Re: And I quit group... » Racer, posted by RealMe on September 8, 2007, at 14:47:26
> Only one little comment. Would helping the group so to speak help you? Is that something that would facilitate your growth? If not, toss this.
>
>Weeeellllll....
On the one hand, of course it would help me to speak up in a safe place. That would certainly be a growth opportunity for me. It would also be a good boost to my general feeling of being OK and having value, to know that I kept the group alive by being there, and helped its growth by opening my mouth.
It would also be very, very risky for me right now, to speak up, because I'm afraid of hearing terrible things coming back at me for doing so. I have this emotional vision of saying it and being attacked in a way that I just couldn't handle right now.
I also have a very strong fear that if I did say what I wanted to say, other people in the group might say something back like, "that's just not a very nice thing to say," or "you're no better with what you say," or something like that. (One of my fears is being as obnoxious to other people as I find this woman to be.)
Bottom line, though: right now, I really don't want to put myself out there in order to help anyone other than myself. Either the group will survive until I can decide to rejoin, or it won't. My T said that that isn't my responsibility -- might be nice if I could really feel as though I wasn't stabbing it in the heart by leaving -- and selfish as it feels to me right now, I want to take care of myself in this one. That means stopping the group right now.
Maybe I'll go back. Maybe I won't.
Another reason I'm not finding the group nearly as helpful right now is age related: an awful lot of what I'm going through right now the rest of the group just cannot relate to. Some of what they say just adds to my feeling that I'm isolated and that others aren't understanding. Guess that's the problem when a middle aged woman has a young woman's disease, huh?
Posted by RealMe on September 8, 2007, at 16:48:20
In reply to Re: And I quit group... » RealMe, posted by Racer on September 8, 2007, at 16:02:13
Sounds like it would be risky but also a growth experience that right now doesn't sound like a good idea for you. I respect your decision, and I try not to feel guilty or selfish. It is not selfish to take care of number one first. It took me a long time to learn that.
I also know what you mean to be older and have a "young woman's disease," but there are lots of older women who have the same thing. I know that Menninger's when I was a postdoc used to have a group of older women with eating disorders. Whenever I think I am really fat, I remember working with a woman who was in that group and saw me individually. She weighed almost 400 pounds. I wonder whatever happend to her.
Posted by DAisym on September 9, 2007, at 17:19:27
In reply to Re: And I quit group... » RealMe, posted by Racer on September 8, 2007, at 16:02:13
How would you feel if your therapist decided not to allow this other person to rejoin the group? Would you still feel like leaving? When we had a new person join that I couldn't deal with, (really, I couldn't) our group therapist ending up agreeing with me that she wasn't a fit, for me or the group. I felt so guilty...and so relieved. But of course, I was there first. I don't know all the circumstances to your returning member.
And, I can so relate to the age mix thing. My group is getting younger and younger - and I find myself railing at being the "mom" here. I doubt your group sees you that way, but it can be hard to not have any peers around such a hard topic.
Group is very hard for me so I get it. I think that is why Babble remains my "real" group.
Can you do two sessions a week for awhile with your individual therapist?
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