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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on June 8, 2007, at 16:09:09
I feel very unsafe.
Ikid keeps whispering that she scared.
Can't think of much.
Little concerned bout health issues.
Hubby sneaked up on me this a.m.
Been some kinda bad stuff journalling, but I deleted it.
I dunno?
Phoned T, but gave her some b*llshit story bout dropping something at her office, she say, bring it w/you on Tues.as I not there today.
F*CK.
She ask how am I doing? And I say fine. Cuz thats what I do. I just say fine. I could be half dead and I'd say fine.
I dunno WTF I even want from her? Cept mebbe for her to take care of my frightened kid.Maybe tell her a story. But I kinda hide that from her mostly. I wouldn't allow that. Only in writings do I say stuff.
WOW.
It just occured to me that I been bothered lately that I am a lie to my T.
But I need to tell her that my writings are *real*, and this body and its verbal words(what few I say) are all filtered words. A facade.
She say, you not as crazy as you think you are. I say to her that I am crazier than she thinks I am.
But then what is 'normal'? Guess there's no such thing.
I am embarrassed to let my T hear my ikid, I could talk for her but I way too embarassed. I think I pick up on T being maybe uncomfortable too? I dunno. I NOT supposed to extrapolate what she thinking.
Mebbe I just scared kid might cry and WE SO NOT allowed that.
I dunno.
I dunno.
I dunno.
M
Posted by Dory on June 8, 2007, at 18:10:12
In reply to dunno whats wrong., posted by muffled on June 8, 2007, at 16:09:09
Muffy girl i don't know.. the inner kid stuff is out of my realm, i don't know how to help. :o( i don't know your T, do you think she would be ok with that stuff? Be honest with yourself. If she would be then you need to break down that wall somehow yourself... she can't do it for you... but she can be there on the other side as soon as you get through. i know about not being able or allowed to cry. It was years and years before i ever cried in my pdoc's office and we don't even really do therapy stuff. In T i just stare at his shoes. (he has so-so shoes.. he should get nicer ones)
wish i could hug you for real.
Posted by muffled on June 8, 2007, at 20:16:39
In reply to Re: dunno whats wrong. » muffled, posted by Dory on June 8, 2007, at 18:10:12
I copied my post and faxed it to T's office.
Glad you hanging in there OK.
You a good un.
Muffled
Posted by LadyBug on June 9, 2007, at 1:49:52
In reply to dunno whats wrong., posted by muffled on June 8, 2007, at 16:09:09
Hi Muffled
Sorry your in a hard place right now. I think it will pass for you and I hope it's soon.
I'm thinking about you!
LadyBug
Posted by muffled on June 9, 2007, at 12:27:33
In reply to Re: dunno whats wrong. » muffled, posted by LadyBug on June 9, 2007, at 1:49:52
Thanks LB, hope you OK too.
I hate being like this.
Wish it will go away fast.
Wish it would stay away.
Very selfish I am when I am this way.
Sorry I not good to noone.
Dunno whats wrong w/me.
M
Posted by Poet on June 9, 2007, at 14:18:23
In reply to dunno whats wrong., posted by muffled on June 8, 2007, at 16:09:09
Hi Muffled,
I always say Okay when my T asks how I am. She used to say *just okay?* Meaning spill it, Poet. But I think she finally realized it's an automatic response from me. I might be ready to scream, but I'll say okay. I should train myself to just say not okay which is more truthful.
I'm sorry you're feeling unsafe and the kid is scared. I've left my inner children with my therapist, she said she would take care of them until I could. Come to think of it they're still with her and it has to be a year... Maybe your T will let your scared kid stay in her office for awhile?
Poet
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 9, 2007, at 21:03:12
In reply to dunno whats wrong., posted by muffled on June 8, 2007, at 16:09:09
> I feel very unsafe.
you're probably about to learn something about yourself. it's going to upset the status quo. maybe it will make you weaker in the short run, but after repairing and rebuilding you're going to be stronger than ever.
> Ikid keeps whispering that she scared.
> Can't think of much.The memories are hiding from you, or you are hiding from your memories. pragmatically, doesn't really matter, but maybe something to think about for the long run?
> Little concerned bout health issues.
oh no. that's too bad. Can I send you some healing energy? the next time you pray, and have an open heart, just pause a moment and feel some rays of healing energy enter you heart?
> Hubby sneaked up on me this a.m.
Well, that sounds unpleasant. I'm such an avoidant person. Husband's mere presence often feels like an intrusion.
> Been some kinda bad stuff journalling, but I deleted it.
> I dunno?
> Phoned T, but gave her some b*llshit story bout dropping something at her office, she say, bring it w/you on Tues.as I not there today.
> F*CK.
> She ask how am I doing? And I say fine. Cuz thats what I do. I just say fine. I could be half dead and I'd say fine.
> I dunno WTF I even want from her? Cept mebbe for her to take care of my frightened kid.Maybe tell her a story. But I kinda hide that from her mostly. I wouldn't allow that. Only in writings do I say stuff.
> WOW.That's okay. The main thing is that you're saying things. One of the T's that I interviewed before moving said "if you write anything, I want to read it. If you make a movie, I want to watch it. If you sing a song, I want to hear it..." I think it helps T's do their jobs. It helps us to do our jobs too. Thinking about this stuff more than 1 or 2 hours a week.
> It just occured to me that I been bothered lately that I am a lie to my T.
Muffled, you are faithful to the cause of increasing self-knowledge. Knowledge of your own self, helping other's discover their selves. That's not a lie at all. You cannot be a lie. The minute you type or say or write something- you exist, and that cannot be faked or forged.
> But I need to tell her that my writings are *real*, and this body and its verbal words(what few I say) are all filtered words. A facade.
> She say, you not as crazy as you think you are. I say to her that I am crazier than she thinks I am.
> But then what is 'normal'? Guess there's no such thing.
> I am embarrassed to let my T hear my ikid, I could talk for her but I way too embarassed. I think I pick up on T being maybe uncomfortable too? I dunno. I NOT supposed to extrapolate what she thinking.
> Mebbe I just scared kid might cry and WE SO NOT allowed that.
> I dunno.
> I dunno.
> I dunno.
> MI dunno either. I'm not comfy with having an inner kid. I know that things are not linear. there are disruptions and ruptures and chasms in my experience. maybe you can talk ABOUT what inner kid is thinking/feeling/afraid of. inner kid is a part of you, after all. you can talk about yourself without talking AS yourself. Start off by talking about this kid you know. and then she'll figure it out. really. She wants to know. the flicker of doubt you may see on her face is your T seeing how scared you are and she wants to protect you from feeling scared. I know *I* would.
I'm sorry you're not feeling safe. I'm going to the cave later on. Last night was bad for me. I lay in bed, thinking about my ceremony (it was yesterday) and the relatives, and thinking how unworthy I was all positive things were tipped upside-down and everything was dark and sharp-edged and scary and hurt. I eventually took a klonopin. I hate taking a f*cking drug when all i need to do is to feel better about myself. i feel like i'm escaping. I couldn't find your cave. I ran around trying to frantically find it. will you put a little lighthouse on the hill by your cave so that I can find it in the fog tonight?
thanks,
your friend
-Ll
Posted by muffled on June 10, 2007, at 0:37:42
In reply to Re: dunno whats wrong. » muffled, posted by Poet on June 9, 2007, at 14:18:23
> I always say Okay when my T asks how I am. She used to say *just okay?* Meaning spill it, Poet. But I think she finally realized it's an automatic response from me. I might be ready to scream, but I'll say okay. I should train myself to just say not okay which is more truthful.Not so easy to do. its also suchb a BIG question really...
>
> I'm sorry you're feeling unsafe and the kid is scared. I've left my inner children with my therapist, she said she would take care of them until I could. Come to think of it they're still with her and it has to be a year... Maybe your T will let your scared kid stay in her office for awhile?Good thot, I could try that. Damos has taken kids before. I dunno though. Mebbe my T don't want that kid, mebbe she won't like her.
Hope you can get your kids back sometime poet, they a part of you. Thats why I trying to help this kid, but its real hard.
Thanks for support poet.
Muffled
Posted by muffled on June 10, 2007, at 0:42:06
In reply to Re: dunno whats wrong. » muffled, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 9, 2007, at 21:03:12
You just goto WILL yourself there. You don't goto find it, it kinda finds you. And once you there you are warm and quiet and very very safe.
So if you can kinda just think of this cave, and how its so so safe, and peaceful, well, its kinda nice.
I going there too. Maybe you can feel that i there somehow? Cuz in my cave you can't see noone, and no talking.
But maybe you can sense that I there and I care, and I understand stuff, and you not alone.
OK?
Muffled
Posted by muffled on June 11, 2007, at 11:44:18
In reply to dunno whats wrong., posted by muffled on June 8, 2007, at 16:09:09
Not sure.
Mebbe I want her to say.....
if you calling, is it the kid?(cuz good chance it would be cuz of kid, and that she scared)
And if it is the kid, maybe she could say to her, that its gonna be OK. That the adult me will take care of her, that the adult me not perfect but she will. That she thinks adult me is OK, and mebbe kid can listen to her, and trust her some.
Maybe it'd be nice to hear that if for some reason we fly into space....that maybe she'd try and bring us back. She would come with the nice voice and say good words.
Maybe she could just say, its OK. Its gonna be OK.
Problem is.....
would I let myself hear T?
To feel what T is saying?
To take it in?
To understand?
To ALLOW some peace to this body?
To let go of the familiar creshendo?
Or
would I just frustrate myself cuz I such a f*cking idiot.
Arrggghhh.
M
Posted by Dinah on June 14, 2007, at 13:34:49
In reply to what DO I want when I phone my T????????????, posted by muffled on June 11, 2007, at 11:44:18
That's the main thing I want to hear. I'm here. I'm concerned for your wellbeing. Everything will be ok. (I think after long negotiations we agreed that when he agreed that everything would be ok, he would mean that everything will eventually be ok between us. He was reluctant to make a global assurance.)
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 18, 2007, at 10:59:02
In reply to Re CAVE-Here it IS!!! LL » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by muffled on June 10, 2007, at 0:42:06
> You just goto WILL yourself there. You don't goto find it, it kinda finds you. And once you there you are warm and quiet and very very safe.
> So if you can kinda just think of this cave, and how its so so safe, and peaceful, well, its kinda nice.
> I going there too. Maybe you can feel that i there somehow? Cuz in my cave you can't see noone, and no talking.
> But maybe you can sense that I there and I care, and I understand stuff, and you not alone.
> OK?
> MuffledHi muffled, I was there once, sometime last week. I felt it, it was calm.
Maybe I go there again soonish. Seems to be easier to find when I'm klonopinned. I wish I could summon the cave to embrace me on my own, but seems hard these days.
-Ll
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