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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LadyBug on January 18, 2007, at 0:37:15
I saw my T today and the session was alright, not fabulous or anything like that. I'm going through hell right now with anxiety and depression.
I've got so much on my plate I can hardly stand it. She is pushing me to do this and that which I know is for my own good but it hurts. After our session today I called and left her a message telling her I appreciate her helping me grow and get stronger but it hurts. I know it has to hurt in order for me to get stronger and to a better place in my life. I said that something was bothering me though and it's the fact that she's trying to help me through something that she's never been through herself, that which is divorce. How can she possibly know how I'm feeling and how hard this is for me?
The decision to leave has been made, it's going through the process of leaving that is so hard. We've been together for 25 years and it's been my lifetime dream to me married and have a family that is somewhat functional. I'm giving it up and I don't believe I will ever marry again. I'm not afraid to be alone, I'm okay in my own skin as far as that goes. I'm more than alone now with the marriage I have. I'm going through the grieving process of ending the marriage relationship. It takes time and I'm not very strong. I cry everyday. We're still living in the same house and I'm working towards a plan to find my own place, but I don't have the means.
Today my T said, "Ask *** how much child support he will give you, find a place, pack your things and go!!!!!!" Great idea, why didn't I think of that, duh!!??!! Freakin duh!!!!(Like I don't already know?) I have no money, maybe that has something to do with it??? And you have plenty and you could move on with your life easily if you needed to.
Why do I feel like a victim? My marriage has been over for over a year and before that it was hanging by a thread for 3 years. Why do things like this trigger depression and anxiety????? Not just the kind you talk yourself out of, but the kind that you need medication for????? I'm taking Klonipin when I can't stand how I feel anymore. I don't want my girls to see my pain, but they do. I can't stand to be around my husband when he's home so we try to avoid each other. He's got us in a legal mess as well on top of figuring out a divorce plan. I'm in knots in my stomach, my heart, and my head. I don't want to call my T everyday and cry to her. My goal for this year was to become independent of her nor more dependent. She usually returns my call, but today she didn't, probably just to show me that she can't fix things, I have to figure it out. I'm tempted to schedule an extra appointment with her, but why, I just end up feeling worse when I walk out her door and then I have to deal with it on my own anyway.
I know we all have our struggles going on here. I'm not alone in this thing we call life. But if I had to choose this over death, that would be easy, I'd choose death in an instant. But my kids mean too much to me. How much will it take to push me over the edge? To where I don't care anymore and will do anything to be free of the hurt inside????? I feel so alone sometimes, my family is so supportive, but I don't want to bother them with how I'm really doing. They know I need to get out of this marriage, it's way past time and they said they'd support me and take care of things for me. Yea, right. I don't see anyone beating on my door offering to help me move or find a place to move to. But I know if I asked they would do something. They don't all live here so it would take an effort to help me. My 3 brothers want me to just move in with my parents! Oh fabulous idea, give me a million Klonipin to go with it cuz I'd need it. They are aging fast and it would cause me so much anxiety to live there. But I'm dying inside living here! I guess people that have good marriages don't understand. I'm reading The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. It is wonderful and full of things I need to read.
Is it possible to be jeoulous of my T because I know she has a good marriage and has more than enough money to survive? I almost can't stand to go see her these days and have her tell me how to get out when she's not in my shoes. I almost want to tell her to go to he** and figure this out myself, which is what I have to do anyway. When I see her, somehow she brings out the little child in me and this is all too scary for the little child to deal with. When I leave I feel helpless!!!!
My head is going to explode with thoughts and my heart is breaking with sadness and I can't stand how I feel!!!!LadyBug
Posted by Happyflower on January 18, 2007, at 10:09:11
In reply to Anxiety/Depression/Therapy/Long, posted by LadyBug on January 18, 2007, at 0:37:15
((((Ladybug)))) Your post breaks my heart, I wish I could say something or do something to make a difference, but I just don't know what to do. Your situation resonates with me so much and I probably in the "marriage on the string" too and eventually I will have to face what you are and it scared the hell out of me.
Other say things get better with time, I kinda think so , but I know it probably doesn't help much to hear that right now. I am sure it is frusterating your T because she probably knows she can't relate and knows she is sucking at it too.
I am also starting to feel jelous when I see happy couples, kinda makes me sick and bitter too. And living with my DH , and trying not to cause waves because of the kids, is like walking on eggshells. IT SUCKS, I know that it does and eventually I will have to find the courage like you have to leave. Knowing your story is helping me so much, and I know you are hurting, but I just wanted you to know that you telling us about it is probably helping others like me in the same situation. Take care Ladybug, you are special.
Posted by Poet on January 18, 2007, at 11:03:12
In reply to Anxiety/Depression/Therapy/Long, posted by LadyBug on January 18, 2007, at 0:37:15
Hi LadyBug,
I think your T deserves one of my cyberslaps on the head for saying > Today my T said, "Ask *** how much child support he will give you, find a place, pack your things and go!!!!!!" >
It's not that easy. I'm not going through a divorce, but am unemployed and what I get from the State for unemployment compensation would not enable me to live on my own without my husband's income. If we separated I'd be in financial trouble and would rather live in a cardboard box than move in with my parents.
I totally get why you don't want to be more dependent on your T. I'm calling mine more often between sessions and I hate myself afterwards. She can offer emotional support, but she really can't help me. I probably frustrate her, but she won't tell me.
I know what you mean about what will push you over the edge until you don't care anymore, too. I wish neither of us were thinking about that, but depression is a living hell.
(((((LadyBug))))))
Poet
Posted by Dinah on January 18, 2007, at 11:41:28
In reply to Anxiety/Depression/Therapy/Long, posted by LadyBug on January 18, 2007, at 0:37:15
It *is* hard when therapists don't understand the realities of a situation, and offer solutions that really aren't solutions at all.
And I can understand feeling resentful of their ignorance too. I was just very angry at my therapist for something similar.
I am sure she's doing her best because she cares about you, but their best isn't always all that helpful, at least in concrete ways and sometimes not in other ways too.
I expressed the anger to my therapist and was happy that he accepted and understood it. Are you able to tell her when what she's saying results in anger on your part?
Posted by LadyBug on January 18, 2007, at 14:00:27
In reply to Re: Anxiety/Depression/Therapy/Long, posted by Happyflower on January 18, 2007, at 10:09:11
Thanks Happyflower,
I know we both have struggles in our marriage and it sucks. Mine is to the point now that he isn't giving me any money and he isn't paying the bills. I've been off work since the end of Oct. with my bilateral knee replacements so my pay checks have been all but nothing.
My T never called me after me leaving her the message telling her that it bothers me when she is trying to help me through something she has never been through herself. But, then I'm sure she does that with a lot of clients. Is she putting me on a guilt trip? I haven't wanted to cancel an appointment with her for quite awhile but I'm tempted to call next week and cancel.
I'm sick to my stomach today trying to face all this.
Thanks so much for your reply.
LadyBug
Posted by LadyBug on January 18, 2007, at 14:05:50
In reply to Re: Anxiety/Depression/Therapy/Long » LadyBug, posted by Poet on January 18, 2007, at 11:03:12
Poet,
Thanks for agreeing that what she said to me was a bit heartless. She never returned my call, and she always does. I'm sure I've offended her by telling her I have a problem with her helping me through something she's never been through herself.
I can relate to how you are feeling as well. Being financially dependent on our spouse makes it so hard to leave. Dang! I know now that I have to turn to God for some direction and I know somehow he'll show me the way and he won't hurt me in the process. When I leave my T's office I feel like someone just opened me up for surgery and forgot to sew me shut and I go out feeling the pain by myself and it hurts. Maybe I shouldn't go see her for now? But that hurts too. She's probably losing patience with me.
Thanks for your reply. My heart hurts today.
LadyBug
Posted by LadyBug on January 18, 2007, at 14:19:41
In reply to Re: Anxiety/Depression/Therapy/Long » LadyBug, posted by Dinah on January 18, 2007, at 11:41:28
Thanks Dinah,
I did leave her a message yesterday and told her I have a problem with her helping me through something she's never been through herself. I know she can't possibly know how all her clients feel exactly. I know she's trying to make me "reach inside and grow to be stronger and have what I need to really leave and be on my own. But it hurts to have her push me. I've not even thought about canceling an appointment with her for a long while, but I'm thinking I don't want to go in next week only to leave feeling so alone and hurt. I will tell her that seeing her hurts me. I can tell her anything. I'm a bit miffed as to why she never called me back to reply to my voice mail. She always does. I think she's trying to show me that I must be independent and figure things our without her. Or maybe she's afraid she better not offer more advise for something she hasn't gone through.
I hate my life and I'm digging deep to try to find something to lift me up. My dog helps some. She's a sweetie. My girls are great, I love them with all my heart. My not real religious brother told me to get down on my knees and pray for an answer. So that's what I'm doing. I'm searching everywhere I can for some peace.
My heart hurts today and it's so hard to face anyone. I've had 2 friends call me today, but I didn't answer. I got an e-mail from another friend. I did reply to her because I didn't have to talk to her. I can hide behind my computer screen.
I think my T should be more supportive of my heartbreak instead of pushing me and making me feel worse. But I guess that's the only way I'll grow.
It's time for a teddy bear hug. It's our 10 year anniversary this month in therapy so I bought a "Build A Bear" to represent it. She is adorable and part of the saying that goes with her is "Don't be afraid to let your stuffing show." She has a few patches on her. She's my T bear. I talked about her yesterday in therapy.
LadyBug
Posted by LadyBug on January 18, 2007, at 14:24:02
In reply to Re: Anxiety/Depression/Therapy/Long » Dinah, posted by LadyBug on January 18, 2007, at 14:19:41
Should I call my T and tell her how much I'm hurting? Or should I just go it alone? Have I offended her by telling her I have a problem with her helping me go through something she's never been through? Is she trying to make me feel bad for saying that in my voice mail? Part of me just wants to cancel next week and figure this out on my own. Part of me wants to call and tell her she hurt me, but actually she's trying to help I know she is. She does care, I'm sure of it. I'm stuck for a moment. And I'm sad.
LadyBug
Posted by LadyBug on January 18, 2007, at 14:59:25
In reply to Re: Should I call her?, posted by LadyBug on January 18, 2007, at 14:24:02
I answered that one myself. It's always better to communicate with your T when things get tangled as I feel they are for me right now. So I called just now and left her a message and asked her for some clarification. I asked if I offended her or is she trying to help me become independent? And if she'd like me to come in to talk face to face I'd be happy too.
Man, the anxiety is killing me. Now I better go get my butt in the shower before anyone comes home???? It's mid afternoon and I'm still in my jammies. Depression sucks!!!!
LadyBug
Posted by one woman cine on January 18, 2007, at 16:25:03
In reply to Re: Should I call her?, posted by LadyBug on January 18, 2007, at 14:24:02
I think it's always better to call to clarify. It's easy for misunderstandings to occur... But good for you!
Posted by Poet on January 18, 2007, at 16:30:21
In reply to Re: Should I call her?/I called, posted by LadyBug on January 18, 2007, at 14:59:25
Hi LadyBug,
I know how hard it was to make that call, I hope she calls back soon.
What's wrong with being in your jammies in the afternoon? I usually am, and as I said in a post to Muffled, watching Jerry Springer. That's what depression does to me, it takes away my concentration so I lie on the couch and watch stuff like that. Sad, isn't it?
Anyway, hope she calls today or first thing tomorrow.
Poet
Posted by Happyflower on January 18, 2007, at 17:36:26
In reply to Re: Should I call her?/I called » LadyBug, posted by Poet on January 18, 2007, at 16:30:21
I hope she calls and makes you feel better. You know what? I come home and put my pj's on all the time! It is all about comfort for me. I like these Hanna Anderson long john things, they look silly (if someone came ringing at my door, I wouldn't answer it because they would think I was crazy) but they are so comfortable. I think I could live in pj's if it was more acceptable. Can I come over? We could hang out all day if you like in pj's. ;-) That would be fun!
Posted by LadyBug on January 18, 2007, at 18:06:37
In reply to Re: Should I call her?/I called, posted by Happyflower on January 18, 2007, at 17:36:26
Yes come over, I'm sure we could talk for hours!!!! You can wear you long johns and even bring your kids if you want.
I haven't heard back from her yet, but I'm thinking she is waiting until she is through with her appointments for the day so she can tell me something that makes good sense. I will let her leave me a voice mail so I don't take up her time. That way I can listen to it over and over.
My stomach is in knots! So hurry over. I've got the fire on and the hot chocolate ready!
Hugs
LadyBug
Posted by LadyBug on January 18, 2007, at 18:09:34
In reply to Re: Should I call her?/I called » LadyBug, posted by Poet on January 18, 2007, at 16:30:21
Poet,
Jerry Springer, now that's entertaining! I'm glad you get a kick out of it. I forget to turn the TV on during the day.
I wish we could just wash the depression down the drain don't you? Along with the anxiety too.
Thanks
LadyBug
Posted by LadyBug on January 18, 2007, at 18:11:16
In reply to Re: Should I call her?, posted by one woman cine on January 18, 2007, at 16:25:03
You are so right. Why wait a week until I worry myself sick about it. I'm waiting for her to call. I asked her to please respond. I hope she's not mad at me, but she's probably frustrated with me for not acting "grown up".
Thanks
LadyBug
Posted by Happyflower on January 18, 2007, at 18:52:13
In reply to Re: Should I call her? » one woman cine, posted by LadyBug on January 18, 2007, at 18:11:16
Hey Ladybug,
Don't even grow up , okay. grownups can be or should I say I feel very board when I am around too much of a grown up. Is that civil? LOL
This is the end of the thread.
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