Posted by LadyBug on January 18, 2007, at 0:37:15
I saw my T today and the session was alright, not fabulous or anything like that. I'm going through hell right now with anxiety and depression.
I've got so much on my plate I can hardly stand it. She is pushing me to do this and that which I know is for my own good but it hurts. After our session today I called and left her a message telling her I appreciate her helping me grow and get stronger but it hurts. I know it has to hurt in order for me to get stronger and to a better place in my life. I said that something was bothering me though and it's the fact that she's trying to help me through something that she's never been through herself, that which is divorce. How can she possibly know how I'm feeling and how hard this is for me?
The decision to leave has been made, it's going through the process of leaving that is so hard. We've been together for 25 years and it's been my lifetime dream to me married and have a family that is somewhat functional. I'm giving it up and I don't believe I will ever marry again. I'm not afraid to be alone, I'm okay in my own skin as far as that goes. I'm more than alone now with the marriage I have. I'm going through the grieving process of ending the marriage relationship. It takes time and I'm not very strong. I cry everyday. We're still living in the same house and I'm working towards a plan to find my own place, but I don't have the means.
Today my T said, "Ask *** how much child support he will give you, find a place, pack your things and go!!!!!!" Great idea, why didn't I think of that, duh!!??!! Freakin duh!!!!(Like I don't already know?) I have no money, maybe that has something to do with it??? And you have plenty and you could move on with your life easily if you needed to.
Why do I feel like a victim? My marriage has been over for over a year and before that it was hanging by a thread for 3 years. Why do things like this trigger depression and anxiety????? Not just the kind you talk yourself out of, but the kind that you need medication for????? I'm taking Klonipin when I can't stand how I feel anymore. I don't want my girls to see my pain, but they do. I can't stand to be around my husband when he's home so we try to avoid each other. He's got us in a legal mess as well on top of figuring out a divorce plan. I'm in knots in my stomach, my heart, and my head. I don't want to call my T everyday and cry to her. My goal for this year was to become independent of her nor more dependent. She usually returns my call, but today she didn't, probably just to show me that she can't fix things, I have to figure it out. I'm tempted to schedule an extra appointment with her, but why, I just end up feeling worse when I walk out her door and then I have to deal with it on my own anyway.
I know we all have our struggles going on here. I'm not alone in this thing we call life. But if I had to choose this over death, that would be easy, I'd choose death in an instant. But my kids mean too much to me. How much will it take to push me over the edge? To where I don't care anymore and will do anything to be free of the hurt inside????? I feel so alone sometimes, my family is so supportive, but I don't want to bother them with how I'm really doing. They know I need to get out of this marriage, it's way past time and they said they'd support me and take care of things for me. Yea, right. I don't see anyone beating on my door offering to help me move or find a place to move to. But I know if I asked they would do something. They don't all live here so it would take an effort to help me. My 3 brothers want me to just move in with my parents! Oh fabulous idea, give me a million Klonipin to go with it cuz I'd need it. They are aging fast and it would cause me so much anxiety to live there. But I'm dying inside living here! I guess people that have good marriages don't understand. I'm reading The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. It is wonderful and full of things I need to read.
Is it possible to be jeoulous of my T because I know she has a good marriage and has more than enough money to survive? I almost can't stand to go see her these days and have her tell me how to get out when she's not in my shoes. I almost want to tell her to go to he** and figure this out myself, which is what I have to do anyway. When I see her, somehow she brings out the little child in me and this is all too scary for the little child to deal with. When I leave I feel helpless!!!!
My head is going to explode with thoughts and my heart is breaking with sadness and I can't stand how I feel!!!!LadyBug
poster:LadyBug
thread:723502
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070103/msgs/723502.html