![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by RN320 on November 23, 2006, at 9:29:48
My therapist of 5+ years had emergency brain surgery for a brain abcess last week, and I don't know how to cope. He's currently in ICU. (I'm an ex-ICU nurse, so I know that there's a very high mortality rate for brain abcesses- I used to see such poor outcomes in clinical practice.) He's my 1st (and only, I'd hope) therapist, and he's helped me manage weekly with a severe drug resistant depression. It seems like he practices a form of CBT. He was sick for a week before the diagnosis, so it's been 3 weeks since I've talked to him. I started falling apart last week even before I knew any details of his illness or that his situation was so grave. I saw my pdoc Monday because I didn't know what to do, and he tried to be really positive about Dr. P- telling me that he's very hopeful that he'll make a full recovery. (They share office space, so I know that he's getting updates.) I feel like I'm being handed a line of happy chatter, and I know that he can't possibly be doing well since he's been in ICU for a week today- and these days you don't just spend a week in an ICU bed unless you're gravely ill.
I had sent Dr. P an email about 2 weeks ago when I found out he was ill. I told him that I didn't want to pry, but that I was worried about him and would like to hear from him that he was ok. As the days went on and there was no reply, I had this sense of impending doom. Then, this past monday I received an answer to my email but it wasn't from Dr. P- it was from his brother, who very kindly told me what had happened. At the end of the email he said that if I had any "questions or concerns" that I could call him, and then gave me a cell #. I haven't called his brother- yet, anyway, and don't know if I should. Am I stepping over a boundary if I do? I'm very attached to my therapist- I like him from what I know of him as a person. He's young, very vital, and about the nicest person that one could meet. I trust him alot, and he's really the only person that I have to talk to, as my best friend of almost 25 years died a couple of years ago and the friendship has not been "replaced".
My pdoc wants to see me weekly "until" (in my experience this is a big IF) Dr. P returns. Although I am very fond of my pdoc, he's no therapist and even though my pdoc says that in Dr. P's absence he will "mind the store" I know that I'm not going to really be able to talk to him.
So, what am I supposed to do to get through this? I am so upset and anxious about Dr. P's condition- as a human being I can't stand the idea of people suffering, and I'm just praying that he survives- even if he's never able to practice again. I also only want him to survive if he'll be "intact" since he is such an active and vital person. I'm finding myself calling every day to find out if he's been moved out of ICU. I'm finding that CBT, if interrupted before you're ready to fly on your own, can send you into a tailspin- and I don't know if this is normal or not, but like I said earlier- I had already started to fall apart before I knew details of his situation.
Any suggestions out there on how to cope with this mess?
Thanks.
Posted by shrinking violet on November 23, 2006, at 10:33:51
In reply to Unexpectedly Having to Face T's Mortality....?'s, posted by RN320 on November 23, 2006, at 9:29:48
I'm sorry to hear of your T's illness! My thoughts are with you.
First, try to think positively. I know it's hard, but a lot can be said for positive thinking. Try sending your T mental "get well" vibes; sounds corny, I know, but it can help you feel as if you are doing something to help and either way it couldn't hurt your T.
I'm glad you have some support during this time through your pdoc.
I wish I had some concrete advice here, but just try to hang in there and believe that it will be okay. My former T was in a wheelchair due to a car accident she had when she was a teen, and I was constantly worrying that something would happen to her. From the beginning I was very aware that my T was human and fallible and could be hurt; I'm not sure if that was a good thing or not.
Try to take care of yourself during this time also; that could be one of the best things you can do for your T.
My thoughts to both of you......
SV
Posted by Jost on November 23, 2006, at 12:11:17
In reply to Unexpectedly Having to Face T's Mortality....?'s, posted by RN320 on November 23, 2006, at 9:29:48
Hi, RN320.
First, of course-- I'm very sorry about your T's health crisis. I hope things go as well as possible.
You do deserve to get at least a feeling of accurate and honest reports of his condition-- ones you believe.
Three weeks is a long time not to see a T, even more so when it's unexpected and caused by an emergency that could be life-threatening.
What practical steps you can take? You might know that best.
Possibly writing down some notes for a call to his brother, or even a conversation with your pdoc, whichever is more comfortable? You said your pdoc is probably receiving updates. Also, he is a doctor and probably knows as well as you the likelihood of recovery from your T's condition, as well as information about how your T specifically is doing.
You could include information such as your having worked in ICUs and knowing the prognosis, because that's part of what causes your concerns.
Timely updates perhaps from your pdoc or someone acting on your T's behalf, as the situation unfolds, would also be reasonable. It's not fair to put patients into endless limbo in a grave situation, to me at least.
If you can't talk to your pdoc about personal issues, you could get a referral to another T, for a brief period. A least you could discuss the immediate situation-- it wouldn't have to be a long-term relationship, but someone who's good for problem solving and support.
Hope that your T is recovering.
Jost
Posted by Shortelise on November 25, 2006, at 13:39:32
In reply to Unexpectedly Having to Face T's Mortality....?'s, posted by RN320 on November 23, 2006, at 9:29:48
The first thing I would do is see whoever is taking his patients! Not for therapy as such, but for support. It's no betrayal to him, but soooner it's a testament to how much you are grieving for him.
No small wonder you are in a tailspin. I'd be a mess. I am deeply attached to my T.
Your pdoc may be telling you the truth. The prognosis for a very ill person can be good.
I am so sorry you are faced with this. It must be horribly painful. ((())))
ShortE
Posted by RN320 on November 25, 2006, at 14:41:19
In reply to Re: Unexpectedly Having to Face T's Mortality....?'s » RN320, posted by Shortelise on November 25, 2006, at 13:39:32
> The first thing I would do is see whoever is taking his patients! Not for therapy as such, but for support. It's no betrayal to him, but soooner it's a testament to how much you are grieving for him.
I think that the practice is trying to figure out what to do- and my pdoc is going to see me weekly for now. He's really no therapist, but I guess it's better than not seeing anyone. The therapists that share office space with my pdoc and therapist are all very booked. I don't know how comfortable I could get seeing someone new at this point anyway. I don't want to have to face this right now- I know that you're right but is DOES feel like betrayal in a way. I know that my therapist would want me to do whatever needed to be done to keep me on track, and I'm trying to keep that in mind.
> No small wonder you are in a tailspin. I'd be a mess. I am deeply attached to my T.
>
> Your pdoc may be telling you the truth. The prognosis for a very ill person can be good.I did talk with my therapist's brother yesterday and it's pretty bad as I kind of thought. He's had to have a 2nd surgery already and may require yet another. His condition is very critical. If he survives, it will be a very long recovery.
> I am so sorry you are faced with this. It must be horribly painful. ((())))It is incredibly painful, and it has forced me to see that although I've improved over the past several years that I'm not as better as I thought. It seems to me that the reason that I've survived thus far is largely due to my therapist dragging me along every week in therapy. I didn't know that I was that dependent on him, but it's become obvious as I started to unravel at the beginning of the second week. There's that and there's the fact that I have really personally bonded with him and the thought of him suffering is almost too much for me. As a nurse, even though I've been disabled for awhile, I wish I could DO something to help him but I can't.
Thanks so much for taking the time to write. It helps to know that others would feel the same in my situation.
/m
Posted by Dinah on November 25, 2006, at 15:21:56
In reply to Re: Unexpectedly Having to Face T's Mortality....?'s, posted by RN320 on November 25, 2006, at 14:41:19
This is one of my nightmares. I am so sorry that his condition is so grave.
It's hard to be in this position, with all this caring, and no place in their "real" world to pour it out. I'm glad he has someone, however imperfect, who can step in for him. I've talked to my therapist about this several times, but with no real results. I think he likes to avoid his mortality.
I am so very sorry.
Posted by RN320 on November 25, 2006, at 19:40:50
In reply to Re: Unexpectedly Having to Face T's Mortality....? » RN320, posted by Dinah on November 25, 2006, at 15:21:56
> This is one of my nightmares. I am so sorry that his condition is so grave.
>
> It's hard to be in this position, with all this caring, and no place in their "real" world to pour it out. I'm glad he has someone, however imperfect, who can step in for him. I've talked to my therapist about this several times, but with no real results. I think he likes to avoid his mortality.
>
> I am so very sorry.Dinah-
Thanks for your message- I appreciate the support. It's funny you mention that you've wondered about the same situation..... the very week that Dr. P became ill I was reading a book on being in therapy. 45 minutes after his office called to cancel my appointment, telling me that he was ill (with no other details) I began a section of the book that started with: "The last thing that a patient wants to have to deal with is their therapist's mortality." I agree that they probably don't want to deal with it either. Thanks again.
/m
Posted by Shortelise on November 28, 2006, at 16:48:22
In reply to Unexpectedly Having to Face T's Mortality....?'s, posted by RN320 on November 23, 2006, at 9:29:48
How is it going? How's your T?
Thinking of you.ShortE
Posted by RN320 on November 28, 2006, at 17:49:10
In reply to Re: Unexpectedly Having to Face T's Mortality....?'s » RN320, posted by Shortelise on November 28, 2006, at 16:48:22
> How is it going? How's your T?
> Thinking of you.
>
> ShortEI got a message today from Dr.P's brother, and he says that he's doing better. He hasn't needed the 3rd surgery so far and is now being aggressively treated with antibiotics for 3 different kinds of bacteria that they found. At this point, it looks like he's going to survive. I am very surprised and thankful. I have no idea if he's got any residual neuro damage from all of this- I didn't feel comfortable asking his brother and he didn't offer any info in this area. As a nurse, I would expect that if he continues to do ok that he'll go to rehab mext. That's just a guess on my part. I'm just so thankful that he's doing better. If he's able to return to work I know that it's going to be a very long time- recovery from something like a brain abcess is very slow.
I saw my pdoc yesterday and he was again trying to be positive about Dr. P's situation. I'm having a lot of trouble functioning....forgetting my meds or taking them twice...forgetting to eat and test my blood sugar.....crying uncontrollably for no reason. I'm trying really hard but I'm just so overwhelmed and feel like I have no control over what is happening. My pdoc thinks that the level of stress I'm feeling is actually overriding my meds, which have worked pretty well when I can keep the stress level down. He's suggested that I try to calm down, but what he doesn't understand is that if I could I would. I feel really ill equipped to handle things on my own right now. And selfishly- I really need Dr. P.
Thanks for asking, ShortE.
/m
Posted by Shortelise on November 28, 2006, at 21:04:59
In reply to Re: Unexpectedly Having to Face T's Mortality....?'s, posted by RN320 on November 28, 2006, at 17:49:10
I'm really glad to hear your T is doing better, /m. I'm sorry to hear you're having such a bad time dealing with it.
/m, I'd like to find something to say to help you a little - do you mind if I try? I know you didn't ask for it, but I'd feel even worse if I didn't send you some ideas.
He isn't gone so you don't need to mourn him.
Be nice to yourself, try to do whatever if it you need to do to keep yourself well and strong. In moments like the one you're experiencing, I sometimes try to think of myself as someone else I have to take care of. That might be completely whacky, but it works. I tell myself, I need to make sure I eat, that I get my walk, that I sit in front of my lamp, that I be kind to myself and not listen to those inner voices that can really upset me. I try to think of myself as someone I need to care for.
If my T were in the same situation, and believe me, I am having no trouble imagining it wich is why I am so drawn to write to you, I would hope I would be taking very good care of myself, that I would be able to write him a note saying I was ok and looking forward to seeing him again.
At times I have to literally hold myself, and reassure myself; talk to myself as though I were talking to a child. I so need to believe I have the strength, that I've learned enough in therapy enough about my own strength to see me through most anything. /m, two weeks ago I sat with a friend, a good friend, through her death from cancer. With her family there, too. I was with her at the end, alone, and I talked her through it, invited her to let go. You know what that's like, but I didn't. Yet I was able to do it. And I was able to do it without fear. Because of 8 years of learning how to be whole, and how to stay centered.
What you write about - forgetting meds, taking them twice, forgetting to test your blood sugar - what do you need to do to get this under control?
Are you walking, exercising, doing the things that help? You're obviously no dummy, you know what you need to do - is there anyone you can ask for help? If there is, ask for help. Go walking at the mall.
Forgive me if I'm telling you things you already know and that bugs you. Your pain just grabs me, and I want to help.
Many hugs to you /m. You've given me a lot to think about.
ShortE
Posted by muffled on November 28, 2006, at 23:05:20
In reply to Re: Unexpectedly Having to Face T's Mortality....?'s, posted by RN320 on November 28, 2006, at 17:49:10
Yeah, I been following this thread. Its hard.
ShortE has said some good things.
You write very well. I'm glad there's some hope for your T.
If he is out for a long time mebbe you need a fill in T?
My T is going away for 5 wks and she going to have a fill in person. Its just if the recovery is going to be long, then that may be a thing to do. Not that you bailing on your T. You just making sure you take care of yourself, so he don't got to worry bout you none.
Take care, nice to meet you. My sis is an RN too.
Muffled
Posted by RN320 on November 29, 2006, at 1:17:49
In reply to Re: Unexpectedly Having to Face T's Mortality....?'s » RN320, posted by Shortelise on November 28, 2006, at 21:04:59
ShortE- I can't thank you enough for your response. Thank you for trying to help me problem solve. I'm very appreciative of your comments........
> I'm really glad to hear your T is doing better, /m. I'm sorry to hear you're having such a bad time dealing with it.
>
> /m, I'd like to find something to say to help you a little - do you mind if I try? I know you didn't ask for it, but I'd feel even worse if I didn't send you some ideas.
>
> He isn't gone so you don't need to mourn him.The thing is- I feel like I have been dealing with an actual death over the past couple of weeks. When I was a student nurse, many MANY years ago I remember an instructor who was lecturing in my pediatrics rotation, and I can still hear her (for some weird reason)talking about the concept of "anticipatory grieving" which is what parents sometimes do when a child is diagnosed with a terminal illness. I remember a vivid description of how parents can actually grieve for a death long before it occurs and that when things suddenly turn around for the better and the child recovers- they have trouble accepting it because to them the child is already dead. I was thinking about this yesterday because when I read the email from my T's brother I was feeling very numb. Although I said "thank God" out loud, I had a hard time believing that he was really doing better. This numb feeling hasn't gone away yet, which is why I'm up in the middle of the night on babblemail. I think that your statement really hits it on the head, here.
>
> Be nice to yourself, try to do whatever if it you need to do to keep yourself well and strong. In moments like the one you're experiencing, I sometimes try to think of myself as someone else I have to take care of. That might be completely whacky, but it works. I tell myself, I need to make sure I eat, that I get my walk, that I sit in front of my lamp, that I be kind to myself and not listen to those inner voices that can really upset me. I try to think of myself as someone I need to care for.
>
This is a good point and I'll try to start thinking like this. I think that it's the inner voices that are contributing to my feeling like nothing matters and that I'm such a loser for not being able to keep myself together during this awful time. I feel guilty for even thinking of my own needs above Dr. P's needs right now. Nurses are socialized to care for others and to put others needs above their own. (I mean "old school" nurses- where nursing was a calling, not just a paycheck like it seems today.)I feel like I'm letting down Dr. P and my pdoc because of all the hard work that they've put into my care over the last 5+ yrs. It should be the least that I can do to keep myself together- I feel a sense of responsibility to them. It's also a sad feeling for me to have to realize that I'm not as "better" as I thought I was....that perhaps the only reason that I'm still on the planet is because Dr. P has dragged me along week by week in therapy.
> If my T were in the same situation, and believe me, I am having no trouble imagining it wich is why I am so drawn to write to you, I would hope I would be taking very good care of myself, that I would be able to write him a note saying I was ok and looking forward to seeing him again.
>
I have prepared a card with a note to him, keeping things light as he does have a good sense of humor. It's important to me that he NOT know what a basket case I am so that he doesn't have to think about anything but getting well. When and if he returns to practice, I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell him how bad it's been for me in his absence. If I were in that situation right now, I think that I feel too guilty to talk to him about it.
> At times I have to literally hold myself, and reassure myself; talk to myself as though I were talking to a child. I so need to believe I have the strength, that I've learned enough in therapy enough about my own strength to see me through most anything. /m, two weeks ago I sat with a friend, a good friend, through her death from cancer. With her family there, too. I was with her at the end, alone, and I talked her through it, invited her to let go. You know what that's like, but I didn't. Yet I was able to do it. And I was able to do it without fear. Because of 8 years of learning how to be whole, and how to stay centered.
>
What a wonderful gift you gave your friend, being with her and talking her through her final journey. I was in the same position with my best friend of about 25 years a couple of years ago who lost her battle with cancer. In my case I went through a lot of anticipatory grief, but was upset more because I couldn't stand to see her suffer during her brief but excrutiatingly painful illness. Even though it's a process that I was more than familiar with, I was still hysterical when I got home, and Dr. P was there to help.> What you write about - forgetting meds, taking them twice, forgetting to test your blood sugar - what do you need to do to get this under control?
>
I've thought about this alot, feeling like these are simple things and that I should be able to handle them. That said, I don't really know what to do.....I don't think that it's deliberate- my memory just sucks in all areas right now. The ones I listed are just the worst.
> Are you walking, exercising, doing the things that help? You're obviously no dummy, you know what you need to do - is there anyone you can ask for help? If there is, ask for help. Go walking at the mall.I was diagnosed with a heart problem over the summer and am currently in my 3rd week of cardiac rehab, so I'm getting supervised exercise. The staff at the rehab center are all very nice and they all want to talk to you when you're there, which can be kind of overwhelming since there are a couple of RNs, a couple of exercise physiologists, a PT and a dietician. It's all I can do right now to just get there and exercise, so I try to stay below the radar screen so I don't have to talk too much. I lost it there one day last week- started crying hysterically, so I think that they probably think I'm a nut case for sure.
There isn't really anyone that I can ask for help, which also makes me feel bad. As I said, I lost my best friend a couple of years ago. I have a few local friends, but they're really busy with careers and family and have limited time. They don't know how bad that I can feel- I try to minimize my illness. I learned early on that you can lose friends quickly that see you unwrapped, especially when they're used to seeing you having it all together. In the kind of work I used to do just prior to becoming ill in 2001, I was employed by a medical manufacturer, and spent about 80% of my time on the road (in the US and a little international work). I met and have kept in touch with a ton of people across the country and have even developed a couple of relatively close friendships. That's really good news when you're out and about, but it's pretty lonesome when you're not able to travel. I keep in touch through email and phone with a couple, and again I hesitate to really say much because I find that people in my life seem very uncomfortable seeing me as I am today. I have very little family- Dr. P has worked with me to keep my mom at bay because she can be really destructive/toxic and I have a sister that just can't relate to or deal with weakness. It's very hard for me to try and figure out who I can ask for help. For this reason I've saved this kind of stuff for therapy and for my pdoc.
> Forgive me if I'm telling you things you already know and that bugs you. Your pain just grabs me, and I want to help.
>
> Many hugs to you /m. You've given me a lot to think about.
>
> ShortE
>
Absolutely no offense taken, ShortE. I think that your message has been really helpful for me- you've given me some material that will hopefully help me reframe this in some way. I've found a great deal of support on this message board....maybe some day I can return the many favors. Thank you for taking the time, and for such thoughtful insight.
/m>
>
>
Posted by RN320 on November 29, 2006, at 1:25:12
In reply to Re: Unexpectedly Having to Face T's Mortality....?'s » RN320, posted by muffled on November 28, 2006, at 23:05:20
Muffled- thanks for your response. I think that Dr.P's illness really hit the group hard. They're all in independent practice but share office space/costs, and I don't get the idea that there's ever been any plan for catastrophic events like this. I don't mean to sound cold, but this doesn't really effect the individual pdocs or therapists business so I don't think that they're necessarily thinking in terms of putting a plan in place. In my case, my pdoc wants to see me every week until Dr. P comes back. If he's out for as long as I suspect he may be, maybe my pdoc will get sick of seeing me weekly and find another alternative. I imagine that those patients of his that have a pdoc in the office are being individually evaluated for interim follow through. His individual patients are probably fending for themselves. I guess I'm really lucky to have a pdoc that cares enough to see that I'm not left to twist in the wind.....
/m
Posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 4, 2006, at 21:53:25
In reply to Re: Unexpectedly Having to Face T's Mortality....?'s, posted by RN320 on November 29, 2006, at 1:25:12
RN,
I'm SO sorry to hear about this sudden tragedy. I hope with all my heart for his full recovery. Please take good care of yourself in the interim. It will be good for you to see pdoc weekly. It will help keep your routine up, the routine of self-maintenence and having a confidential environment to talk about your week's stresses.Journalling throughout this time may be another way for you to take care of things that seem to be overwhelming and uncertain.
I'm so sorry for all of this. I can tell from the hurt and fear in your posts that you are really attached to your T. I hope you can find some peace and calm to reflect on this important relationship.
best to you, RN
-ll
Posted by muffled on December 4, 2006, at 22:07:55
In reply to Re: Unexpectedly Having to Face T's Mortality....? » RN320, posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 4, 2006, at 21:53:25
Posted by RN320 on December 4, 2006, at 22:55:46
In reply to Re: Unexpectedly Having to Face T's Mortality....? » RN320, posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 4, 2006, at 21:53:25
Thanks for your kind words. I'm really trying to take care of myself....it just seems like everything I try to do is so very hard, and I feel incredibly alone. I'm kind of surprised that I feel like this- it's not like I was used to seeing Dr. P on a daily basis; I only saw him every week. I just never would have imagined that missing one hour a week would have such an impact on just about every hour of the day. Maybe it just seems that way. I've journalled a bit every week since this happened. I don't know if it's helping..not sure how to figure out if it is or not, but will keep trying. I think that's what he'd suggest to me.
I saw my pdoc today and he told me that Dr. P was just discharged home from the hospital! It's not all great news, though. He's got some neurological deficits/ damage from the brain abcess. Apparently it has affected his speech in a couple of ways. So now he begins rehab/speech therapy. I'm really thankful that he survived, but it saddens me that he's got some residual effects that he's got to overcome. He's a really positive and motivated person- at least that's how I've come to know him, so if anyone can do it, I'd like to believe that he can. I sent him a card/note and flowers today just to let him know that he's being thought of.
Thank you again for your suggestions.
/m
Posted by Dinah on December 6, 2006, at 13:37:27
In reply to Re: Unexpectedly Having to Face T's Mortality....?, posted by RN320 on December 4, 2006, at 22:55:46
I'm glad he's home, and I know it was a serious incident. But he's young and the brain is enormously resilient in the young.
I know this is in no way analogous, but I've got a little dog with what is apparently a genetic condition that kills off brain tissue. At least part of the left side of her brain is just gone. She isn't blind in the eye, but her brain can't process the information she receives so she's technically blind. She's also got a lot of proprioception (sp?) problems. The amazing thing is how much she's compensated in the reasonably short period of time she's had this problem. At first she was hiding in her cage all the time, and bumping into everything. Now you probably wouldn't notice anything was wrong unless someone told you. She's even starting her trademark behavior - flirting - again.
Don't despair quite yet. He's done remarkably well so far.
I have to say I admire your attitude so much. I always tell my therapist apologetically that while I care for him very much as a person, that my first and strongest reaction is that of a small child being told Mommy is sick. "What is this going to mean to my life? Who is going to keep me safe and take care of me?" It's dreadfully selfish, but I suppose it says a lot about the emotional age I'm in in connection with him.
Posted by Lonely on December 20, 2006, at 1:41:04
In reply to Re: Unexpectedly Having to Face T's Mortality....? » RN320, posted by shrinking violet on November 23, 2006, at 10:33:51
Zenhussy,
I am so sympathetic to you. Three and a half years ago my own therapist died quite suddenly (hopefully yours is going to pull through just fine) and it's taken years to recover. In some ways I never did recover because I notice things in other therapists that tell me they also have health issues that they of course will never discuss.
Some of what I learned from my T's death is that it's important to have a support system unique to this relationship. A death in the family is always difficult but, usually, there are other relatives, neighbors, and friends who share the loss so you're not alone. Because of the secretivness (privacy or whatever) of therapy, you probably don't know who else might be concerned about losing this T. Now I try to find out something about the T so that if they do become ill or die at least someone else will know about that relationship and can help me build on it and recover. Unfortunately, T's often don't like to have patients build relationships w/other T's at the same time or know other patients. I consider that absolutely wrong and destructive. The lack of it was really devastating and I think it's really a control ploy. Also, I have a snapshot of the current T at least. I really wish I had something from the now deceased T - at least a note or something. Fortunately, we did have a mutual friend who gave me a couple things from her home but it's not the same as something the T wrote down on a piece of paper for me which she never did (even if it's just things to think about or a drawing of how things work or something to do w/the therapy).
Make it clear to your current T or whomever you're seeing that you need to be kept informed about your T's condition in general terms (w/o being too personal) and that if he/she passes away you will expect a lot of support. I was amazed at the number of vultures (therapists) who were ready to swoop in and pick up the patients of the deceased. Guess that's therapy business. But, I couldn't afford them for insurance reasons. Also, I found that almost every one of them said something to the effect of "Oh, that's so sad" or "Yes, I'm sure that's very hard" and immediately jumped into my history or where I wanted to be or something else. They would NOT let me grieve and I needed to. The INsensitivity was awful. One brutish T who was supposed to be great seemed amazed that after a year I still had not forgotten about the old T. She didn't have a clue about the anguish.
I did end up w/one T who let me cry. She didn't give me the info and support that I really needed but at least she didn't come unglued or refuse to talk about the deceased T.
If possible, after your T recovers or with a future T, talk about what will happen to you if the T dies - what should you do? I tried it several times with the now-deceased T but she was on such a power trip that the answers consisted of (and this is a classic) "I'm planning to be around for a long time" and "You could go someplace else and just start all over." and "You could see anyone else in this bldg."
For now, do think of yourself and reach out for understanding - you'll need it and you have a right to it.
Take care,
Lonely
Posted by RN320 on December 20, 2006, at 12:36:58
In reply to Re: Unexpectedly Having to Face T's Mortality....? » shrinking violet, posted by Lonely on December 20, 2006, at 1:41:04
Lonely,
Thank you so very much for your well thought words and advice. I think that I've pretty much already covred my bases to the extent that I can. My pdoc (in the same office as my T) has been really good at giving me what seem to be accurate updates now that I told him to please cut out what I call the "happy crap bulls&%t" and get real with me. I'm continuing to see him weekly until my T is either able to come back (he's in aggressive speech therapy right now) or not- and then we'll make a decision on who I should see if he can't come back.You're really right when you said it's comforting to have things in your possession that came from your T. I have many, and they've brought me a great deal of comfort when I read through them. In addition to that I received a really funny thank you card with a note from him last week (I sent him flowers when he came home from the hospital) and he hasn't lost his sense of humor even though you can tell he's having difficulty with finding the right words sometime.
My pdoc is very much aware of the tremendous impact that my T's illness has had on me. If he ever comes back, someday I'd like to talk to my T about it if it seems right......I suspect that he already knows how I've struggled since he became ill (because he's been into the office and talked to my pdoc, so I'm kind of assuming he asked about his patients.....that's the kind of person he is).
It really sounds like you went through hell with your T's sudden death....I just don't get it when I hear stories about T's that have no clue or compassion for people who are suffering. I just can't relate since my T and pdoc are really terriffic....I couldn't possibly ask for better support and care.
Thank you again so much for writing. I hope that you're going to enjoy the holiday season.
Best wishes.
/martha
Posted by Lonely on December 31, 2006, at 13:23:34
In reply to Re: Unexpectedly Having to Face T's Mortality....?, posted by RN320 on December 20, 2006, at 12:36:58
This is the end of the thread.
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