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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on October 29, 2006, at 10:28:48
I have made not being like my mother the cornerstone of my mothering technique. And I've succeeded pretty well. I rarely if ever get angry even around my son, and never at him. I don't emote all over him. My husband and I get along fine and don't fight. I try to be reasonable and not overly rigid.
Yet my son is *just* like me in temperament.
It reminds me of my puppies. I might raise them differently than their parents were raised. But in the end, while there might be differences in how their temperaments are expressed, their temperaments come from their parents or grandparents.
It makes me think that some of my problems may come from my upbringing, but a majority of them are in my genes. They can be managed. I can learn to express my temperament differently (and I think I am learning that all the time). But the core problems are just who I am. My brain chemistry, my temperament, how I'm wired.
I think... I think I can base my respect or liking for my mother on what she's earned. But I don't think I can blame her for my temperament.
And when are they going to put "nervous system like an overly inbred puppy mill dog" in the DSM?
You know what I need to do. I need to think about how wonderful my son is, and how much I value his sensitivity, and maybe start to see the same things I love in him, in myself.
Posted by Racer on October 29, 2006, at 10:41:51
In reply to Nature vs. nurture, posted by Dinah on October 29, 2006, at 10:28:48
>
> You know what I need to do. I need to think about how wonderful my son is, and how much I value his sensitivity, and maybe start to see the same things I love in him, in myself.That's really quite profound, Dinah. I don't know what else to say about it, but it struck me dumb when I read it. Quite profound.
> And when are they going to put "nervous system like an overly inbred puppy mill dog" in the DSM?
>Right after they add my dx: "Irregular Polygon Syndrome, with Feral Features." :^)
Posted by Dinah on October 29, 2006, at 14:29:30
In reply to Wow » Dinah, posted by Racer on October 29, 2006, at 10:41:51
But perhaps easier said than done. I keep thinking things like "Yeah, but my son is sweet. I'm not sweet."
I like your diagnosis too.
Perhaps we should all get together and write a diagnosis book from the other side. You know, the side that knows what stuff feels like.
Posted by Phillipa on October 29, 2006, at 22:16:46
In reply to Re: Wow » Racer, posted by Dinah on October 29, 2006, at 14:29:30
Dinah I did the same thing swore to not be like my Mother. I succeded till my Kids were all grown and now I'm getting sick like she did. And I eatten right, excercised, but what you said is true it's genes. I have no idea what my diagnosis would be except denial? Love Phillipa
Posted by Daisym on October 29, 2006, at 22:26:04
In reply to Re: Wow » Racer, posted by Dinah on October 29, 2006, at 14:29:30
So - not to make this too serious...but I have my hand in the air -- "pick me! pick me! TEACHER - I know the answer!" Well, maybe I know how to contribute to this discussion.
Your son was lucky enough to get a mom who could read his cues pretty well and who could value his sensitive nature and help him manage his world. He might be programmed due to your genetics but your nurturing helped him turn those traits and tendencies into strengths. Or will, as he matures.
Sadly, your mom didn't do that for you. It seems that she didn't know how to see who you were and help you make sense of how you fit into the world. We have studied so many cases of disynchrony between mother and child and how damaging it can be. Even if there are personality mismatches, if mom (or parents) can figure out how to nurture their child and honor who he or she is, there is typically very little psychological fall out.
I'll say it again -- your son is lucky to have you as a mom, Dinah. It isn't that you always get it right, it is that you want to always get it right. How great is that?
Posted by Phillipa on October 29, 2006, at 22:30:44
In reply to Re: Wow » Dinah, posted by Daisym on October 29, 2006, at 22:26:04
Disynchromy Daisy what does that mean? Thanks, Phillipa
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 30, 2006, at 7:19:14
In reply to Re: Wow » Daisym, posted by Phillipa on October 29, 2006, at 22:30:44
Daisy's right (she's a smart cookie)
It's not so much that a kid has a temperament that is better or worse- The most important thing is that a parent can take the best parts of a kid's temperament (like his wonderful sensitivity, you wrote) and really build his self-esteem on those wonderful parts. The parts of his personality that make his life more difficult, well you try to nurture those, and help him through the rough spots.
It doesn't matter what kind of temperament he has- all kids have their strengths and weaknesses, and a mom who recognizes them, and can work with them is all a kid needs to grow up healthy :)
The world needs all kinds of people- even sensitive people who have a lower threshold for anxiety or fear.
I think one of the things that really hurt me in my own development was that I had a lot lower threshold for anxiety and fear. My mom would make me scared of stuff, and then my older brother (who has NO sense of fear, and regularly participates in injurious and reckless sports and such) would capitalize on that. So... yeah... I think your son will do okay, especially if you are able to listen to his fears without trying to change him somehow.
-Li
Posted by Dinah on October 31, 2006, at 12:57:05
In reply to Re: Wow, posted by Lindenblüte on October 30, 2006, at 7:19:14
My therapist said the same thing. That I was being a better mother to my son than my mother was to me, and that that would change things for him.
But I think that's true to some extent, but isn't true to another extent. It's true that I understand, and that's helpful. And it's true that I can to some extent help him with what I've learned. And I know things that would probably not be good for him and I can avoid those things.
But... Whatever I do, he's going to have meltdowns. It's part of who he is. And even to the extent I can help him, say by teaching him things that reduce the frequency or intensity of the meltdowns, he is going to have problems in his life because of them.
I'm not saying that in a negative way about him, or about me as a mother.
I'm saying that in an accepting way about me and my own meltdowns. My parents didn't cause them, and no amount of therapy will "fix" me. Because I'm not broken any more than my son is. This is just who I am, and it's going to cause me problems just like it grants me strengths. I have to learn to value the strengths and accept the fact that I'm going to have problems. And realize that there's not going to come a point where I say "I'm cured!" There's going to come a point, and it's not miles off either, where I say
"I have a chronic condition that I can learn to deal with in healthier ways. It helps me in some ways, and hurts me in others, and I can learn to maximize the help and minimize the hurt. I can do things that contribute to this, like ongoing supportive therapy, stress management, keeping as healthy as possible, and watching myself around triggers to see if pressure is building up."
But I don't think I can be reparented to not be like this, because *this is who I am*. It's how I was born, it's genetic, and it's *OK*. I don't have to get angry with myself or anyone else for this. It just is.
And by recognizing that my son is a wonderful person just as he is, it might help me to accept that I'm ok just as I am.
I just need to think of it like I do my migraines, and not as a character flaw or sign of personal weakness. I wouldn't even be surprised if it had the same root biological causes as my migraines.
And perhaps I need to stop pathologizing it as much as I do with labels (even if they're helpful) and just start seeing it as part of the total package.
Posted by Daisym on October 31, 2006, at 21:25:36
In reply to Re: Wow, posted by Dinah on October 31, 2006, at 12:57:05
I'm so impressed with how clear you are on all of this. I hope to someday get there myself.
Diabetes is another one of those things that you have to accept, control and manage. You seem to have more than your share.
Take good care,
Daisy
Posted by Fallsfall on November 4, 2006, at 8:03:40
In reply to Re: Wow, posted by Dinah on October 31, 2006, at 12:57:05
You should definately bookmark this post. Read it weekly.
It (and you) is perfect.
Posted by Dinah on November 4, 2006, at 15:19:48
In reply to Re: Wow » Dinah, posted by Fallsfall on November 4, 2006, at 8:03:40
Posted by Dinah on November 4, 2006, at 15:20:40
In reply to Re: Wow » Dinah, posted by Daisym on October 31, 2006, at 21:25:36
Funny how I managed to not mention that one, isn't it?
I'm still not really reconciled to it.
This is the end of the thread.
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