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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on October 2, 2006, at 17:34:20
Tomorrow I have an appointment, probably going to do EMDR for the 2nd time ever (1st time was over a year ago). Feeling really nervous.
I guess what I am feeling is that I am going along fine in my life, maybe the best ever personally (except for my marriage) and them WHAM to the head! I am triggered and fall into the dark hole of dispair, feeling like that little girl that no one cared about, the little girl that was constantly being humililated, the little girl who just wanted someone to notice me. When I fall into that hole, I feel like that little girl still. The little infant that cried for some attention, but could't be picked up because I would have been spoiled, and nobody wanted me, I was not loved. I am glad we can't remember our infant and toddlerhood. Seeing the ugly pictures, and they are all ugly, not cute ones of me smiling, only crying or looking like a brat, not pictures of a treasured baby.
In therapy we talked about the physical abuse, the neglect, much more than the emotional abuse. That is what is still hurting me I think. That feeling, it was so horrible to live like that, just wanted to hide in the woods, but yeah, I escaped the physical abuse, but the metal abuse of living in the wood hidden away so my mom couldn't hurt me, still haunts me to this day. I feel like I have to still hide in the woods now, because of my moms recent actions. I feel bad, like I was so bad, that is why my mom hurt me, because I was so very bad. Why would a good child that is loved be tortured? Why is it so hard to love me?
I feel so fragile to talk about this with anyone even my T , I am scared, I think my T knows I am scared. He knows me. I hope he can be there for me tomorrow, I hope he is at the top of his game, I hope he forces the poison out me, because I am scared of letting it out or it will pollute the world of ugliness.
I wish my mom was dead, I wish my mom was dead. She is evil, she is evil. I need peace inside of me, I can't seem to hold in the prisoned emotions. I feel like I am going to explode. I feel like my volcano is going to errupt. I want to hide even from my T tomorrow. I am scared he is going to make the hurt come out, I don't want to feel the hurt, I don't want to think about the hurt. But my T will have to be the "bad guy", I think he knows he is going to have to be stronger than me to work with all my defenses that I have had in place for so many years. Can he help me ? I don't know, but I am scared, but I am even more scared if I don't get it out.
I wish you all could come with me and hold me tomrrow, because I know my T won't . I will feel like an unloveable child again because my T won't even hold my hand because it would be too repulsive or he is afraid of it being sexual. Just like when my grandma died, I stood there crying at her graveside at the funeral, and NOBODY offered me any comfort, not my dad, none of my relatives. I have never felt so alone in my life, like hiding in the woods as a child. I don't know how I am going to do this tommorrow. I don't even want to go to jazz band tonight, but I have to. I just want to crawl up in a fetal ball and die.
Posted by muffled on October 2, 2006, at 17:54:35
In reply to getting nervous, child abuse triggers, bad stuff, posted by happyflower on October 2, 2006, at 17:34:20
(((((((((((((((((Happyflower)))))))))))))))))))))
Your T will come thru for you.
You been going to him for awhile.
I think he's got your number.
He will protect you.
Keep you safe.
Maybe he can't nurture you in that way.
But he can in his own way.
With being steady and honest and being there for you.
You'll be ok HF.
Your a special one HF.
You need to do this I reckon.
Cuz you wanna get rid of the bad sh*t.
Let it go.
Take special care of youself,
(((Happyflower))
Muffled
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 2, 2006, at 22:07:16
In reply to (((((((((((((((((((((((((HF))))))))))))))))))))))) » happyflower, posted by muffled on October 2, 2006, at 17:54:35
Happyflower,
sweetie, you can do this. It's a big step. Don't worry that you are going to fall into the hole all at once. You may just step into a mudpuddle.Your T cares about you. I know he does, and so do you. He smiles at you when he sees you at Target, and he cares for you in a special way. If you feel like you might fall apart without a hug, please tell him that.
And remember that no matter what happens, the sun will come up on Wednesday, just like it did today. You're going to make it through this. I know you will. Your mom is NOT going to be in the room with you tomorrow. Only your comfy teddy bear T with his nice voice and his caring smile. He'll keep you safe, Happy. That room is your safe place. Much safer than the woods ever were. Trust me.
When you go to the woods, you always have to come home eventually, because it starts getting dark, and you don't want your mom to call the police or worse- find you first herself. But when you go to your session tomorrow, your mom will NOT be there waiting for you when you get out of the office. You will be safe. You will walk out, a little shaky, a little fragile inside, but on your own two legs-- a grown-up woman, with her own dreams, and her wonderful talents to share with the world. Your mom is just a symbol for your fear. Her person is not at all dangerous. You can believe that if she ever saw the extent of your rage, she would be much more afraid of you than you would ever imagine.
You are strong, happyflower. If you are going to do EMDR, it's because your T knows that you are ready and that you are strong enough to handle the consequences.
Do take care of yourself, and don't be afraid to tell that man who lives in your house that he needs to produce dinner in bed for you tomorrow. And a girlie magazine. And a bouquet of bright flowers would be nice too. Tell him that you're having surgery tomorrow. Don't bother elaborating. Just say that it's confidential.
best to you, Happy--
I know you can do this :)-Li
Posted by Daisym on October 2, 2006, at 23:24:55
In reply to Re: (((((((((((((((((((((((((HF))))))))))))))))))), posted by Lindenblüte on October 2, 2006, at 22:07:16
One of the sucky things about PTSD is that adults usually have symptoms when they are either retraumatized or when they make their way to a safe relationship. When trust builds, the little pieces begin to get nervous. At the same time, they want to finally be comforted in the way they should have been the first time. There is no way through it, except through it.
Go slow, let your feelings guide you. I know it feels like you have to say it all NOW but that might not be the best thing. Make sure your supports are in place. It is OK to cry -- you know that, right? Your therapist won't get mad at you for crying.
Good luck tomorrow. I think you are very brave.
Posted by madeline on October 3, 2006, at 6:22:00
In reply to getting nervous, child abuse triggers, bad stuff, posted by happyflower on October 2, 2006, at 17:34:20
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 3, 2006, at 9:16:47
In reply to Re: (((((((((((((((((((((((((HF))))))))))))))))))), posted by Daisym on October 2, 2006, at 23:24:55
Daisy, Happyflower, Maddie, Muffled, Elaine... and the rest of Psycho-Babble kind people.
I feel like we are all kind of walking in eachother's footsteps sometimes. I get so much comfort when I read about your struggles and know that I'm not the only one. You all have unique voices and unique stories, but there is a silken ribbon that somehow ties us all together. I don't know. I just get a lot of comfort from knowing that I don't have to be alone on this trip. I feel like Daisy has such good, solid strong advice-- and that I'm not scared to listen to her, because I sense her strength and her compassion. And Happyflower- who has all those emotions that I never allow to bubble up to the surface, except for the occasional panic and terror. Muffled- you may feel like you're walking around in the dark with your arms stuck out, trying not to bump into anything, but you are shining a light that I can see. I like knowing that you are there, and that you can still be silly and have kids and have fun, despite it all. Elaine. who is so brave, and so compassionate. Who has so much heart and love that is just waiting for the right person to share it with. And Maddie- the first person who spoke to my torment on babble. You and Lar welcomed me here, and you said something that really hit me once, and has stayed withe me (you told me that I need to FEEL!) You're not the first or the last, but when YOU said it, as a woman scientist, I knew that I had no excuse not to listen! I have always looked towards you, because you have so many gifts that I strive for--Because I know that if you can do it I can.
So, I just wanted to share that you all give me so much support and even when you reach out for help, like Happyflower is-- that's support too. It's so hard to reach out for help and admit that we're in over our heads. To see HF do so gives me strength that I will be able to ask for help when I need it too. I know that I have left out so many people. I just feel that with my particular issues these last couple of weeks I have gotten to know many of you at a different level, and you have helped me know myself too.
With Love,
-Li
Posted by happyflower on October 3, 2006, at 12:58:14
In reply to getting nervous, child abuse triggers, bad stuff, posted by happyflower on October 2, 2006, at 17:34:20
I am okay, a little dazed, no EMDR today, just skimmed the surface. I will write more later tonight when I get my head together.
I need a nap,really before my class today. Your posts really are helping me, I keep reading them many times already, I will respond more later, I promise, I just need to let everything sink in for now.
Posted by LadyBug on October 3, 2006, at 14:50:27
In reply to I am home( muffy,lin, daisy, and maddie), posted by happyflower on October 3, 2006, at 12:58:14
HF
I'm curious to hear how it went today. Did you talk about seeing him at Target? I'd wet my pants if I bumped into my T. at any store, actually anywhere! I saw her driving on the freeway one day. She had her elderly mother and one of her daughters with her. I wanted so badly to see her yet at the same time I was petrified that she woulld see me. I told her about it when I saw her next and she didn't seem to mind. What ya gonna do?
Anyway, I do hope your session was helpful today. When do you go again? This work is hard. And the relationship is hard. I haven't seem my T on a consistant basis for about 3 months now and it's been HARD!! I think we are back on track to meet each week for now. THANK GOODNESS, I miss her, or I miss our work really.
I wish you well. I hope your T was helpful.
Take care.
LadyBug
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 3, 2006, at 15:17:13
In reply to Re: I am home » happyflower, posted by LadyBug on October 3, 2006, at 14:50:27
((((HappyFlower))))
Don't stress out about it- when it's time, you'll know. Just let it come out when it's ready. These things cannot be forced.
Will someone please take those lines I wrote and remind me of them at hourly intervals?
... struggling. here too. yep... but I gotta little strength too. I got some pep talk from my T. You want me to carry some of your burden for a little while, give your arms a rest?
your bud,
-Li
Posted by happyflower on October 3, 2006, at 19:02:27
In reply to I am home( muffy,lin, daisy, and maddie), posted by happyflower on October 3, 2006, at 12:58:14
Okay, here is the session and what did and didn't happen. First it started off by talking about us running into each other at Target over the weekend. I said I was really surprised to see him as I was just looking up (not to run into anyone in the isle, so I could turn and got down another isle) Well I said at least I wasn't buying anything too embarresting ( I thought of you Dinah and the talk you had with your T , LOL) , Well he said well I had a cart full of stuff.(that I assumed must have had something he didn't me to see) LOL Hmmm. I wonder what, I should of asked. LOL
Then he started to take off his pants, wait I mean he pulled up his pantleg to show me the
scar on his knee from the mystery surgery he told me about when I called that one night and got him "live". He said he knew I would be wondering about it, so he showed me. He said it looked kinda gross, and I said yeah it is gross, he laughed at that. I have told him he had nice legs before, but he doesn't know I call him Mr. Sexy legs! LOL Um, okay, what did he want me to do , kiss his boo boo? I wish I would have thought of that at the time,because that would have been funny. But he is right I do feel a little relieved it wasn't anything too serious. He had to get this growth removed again, he had it removed several years ago, but they didn't get it all, plus the stiches tore open and left a nasty scar. He said I probably noticed the ugly thing on his legs at the gym, and I said, sorry but I haven't looked that close at him. LOL ( I mean, how did I miss that? , I guess I am looking elsewhere, lol) Okay I know I am joking about all of this, but that is usually how my sessions start and I am glad because it calms me down.Then he directly asked me what I was learning about in class that got me so upset. (infant and toddler attachment) We talked a lot about that, and the different theories of parenting. He believes that I did develop bonds to like my grandmother, a lot of teachers, and some caregivers, so that is what probably "saved" me from becoming disfunctional. My situtaion at home did affect me in a big way, but I did attach to someone at sometime, and If I didn't I could have been so much worse.
We talked about my humiliation of my mom, the pictures, the stuff she used to do. We talked about it probably was jealousy of me and it was the only way she could make her self feel good is to put me down and abuse me. We talked about parent teacher conferences and how my mom would tear me down when the teachers would talk nice about me. I was so quiet during these times, I hated going, I was really different than during class. He talked a bit about himself and how he felt during those conferences. I guess he was really awful at drawing and art projects so he hated seeing his stuff on display with all the others kids better stuff. But his mom would still say he had a nice picture ( she is an artist). Well he said my mom probably would of said my picture was bad, even if it was good.
We talked about how I saw her humilate my dad as he was dying from cancer. It was an attention, power thing she did to gain these. It makes a lot of sense. And the physical abuse stopped when I was in junior high, because I talked to more people and she would have been afraid of me telling. So she resorted to emotional abuse, which is just as damaging especially if it follows physical abuse. He really "understood" me and what I was saying.
We talked a lot more about the emotional abuse too and we got off topic too about my school work but it did all tie together in the end.I was nervous and I had trouble saying some of the stuff especially out loud, and I didn't even get the really deep issues about it and how I really feel NOW. But he was gentle with me, was so sincere, and well I felt like he cared. We just skimmed the surface he said and that we needed to talk more about this. About what can change, what I can't change and how to deal with this more. He is also going on another vacation next week, so I am sure he is really booked up this week and the week he returns, so maybe this is why he didn't want to dive right in the nitty gritty with EMDR especially with what happened last time. I would probably need another session that day or the next, after the EMDR. At least I think that is what I want to do since EMDR takes up the entire hour. He knows I might need him emotionally, so I think this is why he wanted to keep me level this week. But it is just a beginning, so maybe that is better.
But one nice thing, is that I do trust him, more than a did when we first did EMDR, so I know I will be okay with him. Will I be ready to terminate at the end of the year? I don't think so even if that was my goal. But who knows.
I am really overwhelmed by the support I have been getting about this, I am truely touched. We are a special group of people and together we can get through this and become even more awesome. I plan to write more on this indivdually.
I really believe I have a good T, he really does care, more than he will admit I am sure, but I have confidence that he will help me just like he already has. Maybe he discloses too much, but it has worked with me, I am not sure if he was a blank page, I would have trusted him. I need real, and he is real. He told me that he enjoyed talking to me today, that it was good. I think since I am starting to open up more, he feels like he can still help me, and not just take my money for nice conversations. I think if I didn't want to go deeper, he would have taken a break in therapy until I was ready to start again. But now that I am determined to be okay, I want to keep going. I am not really "okay" to me, maybe compaired to others or what others would consider okay, but I need to feel that I am okay. Well I am sorry this is turning into a chapter book, and is so unorganized, but I am glad you are reading and I am glad to share this with my babble friends. ;-)
Posted by ElaineM on October 3, 2006, at 19:41:48
In reply to chapter one, posted by happyflower on October 3, 2006, at 19:02:27
(((HF)))
I'm glad you're getting some comfort, and good attachment from your T now. I can understand what you mean about needing more than a blank page though.>>>>>He believes that I did develop bonds to like my grandmother, a lot of teachers, and some caregivers, so that is what probably "saved" me from becoming disfunctional. My situtaion at home did affect me in a big way, but I did attach to someone at sometime, and If I didn't I could have been so much worse.
My T has mentioned this to me before. (((((grandparents)))) It's kinda scary to think about what may have happened if they weren't around, isn't it. I used to attach to my teachers, but that was more one-sided. Like, they never really knew how much I thought of and needed them, and in how much esteem I held their opinions. But it was really only returned with LadyDoc, and LadyT (I think, I thought...). I always used to refer to the whole group as my pseudo-parents. It sounds like you felt similiar when you were growing up.
Do something nice for yourself to relax, and take a break. We'll be with you during your T's mini-vaca.
((((HF))))blove, EL
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 3, 2006, at 22:39:28
In reply to Re: chapter one, posted by ElaineM on October 3, 2006, at 19:41:48
Good job HappyFlower-
sounds like a really good session on so many levels- you got a couple of little annoying anxieties out of your mind (the Target incident, his minor surgery thing, seeing him at the gym...And then you got down to business, and opened the door a little bit-- you must be ready to start the hard stuff again. I'm so glad for you
Best of all, you got feedback from him that he's ready to be there with you. That's fantastic.
When I dumped my story on my oldT, he said afterwards that this was very satisfying to him, as a professional, because so many people just come in when they are feeling really down, and when they're stabilized on medication, and somewhat functional, and no longer need acute supportive counselling/therapy, they figure that they are pretty much done. That people leave and never come back, and he wonders sometimes whether they will ever be ready to confront or at least admit that they need help confronting some larger issue besides their immediate stress.
Well, sounds like you've made a really big step. Give yourself a pat on the back, and extra HapppyFlowerhugs. You may need some extra hugs for the next couple days... I just have a feeling ((((((((Happyflowerhugs))))))))
-Li
Posted by muffled on October 4, 2006, at 6:25:59
In reply to chapter one, posted by happyflower on October 3, 2006, at 19:02:27
((HF's T)))
He seems to be doing a good job, and you are working real hard HF.
Take special care.
Muffled
This is the end of the thread.
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