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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on September 25, 2006, at 22:50:37
I'm sorry for disappearing on you all here recently. I am still around and doing my best to get through the days right now. I'm feeling incredibly fragile, like any sudden move on my part could bring my entire world crashing to the ground. My lack of posting definitely was not because I wasnt thinking of you all or felt like babble was a chore.. I love it here. I'm just so scared right now.
I finished partial last Thursday. Transitioning was very hard. When I left, Randy hugged me and I cried.. mostly tears because I was so proud of myself for having done this. I know I learned a lot and it was one of the scariest but best decisions I'd made in a long time. He gave me a little stone that says "hope" on it and I've carried it in my pocket every day since. I also bought myself flowers to treat myself... he made me promise I'd do something. Theyre starting to wilt, but it does make me feel good to look at them. Waking up and not going to partial anymore has been hard. It was a very safe, comfortable space for me, and every where else feels very unsafe right now. I miss it.
I'm supposed to be starting therapy with a new T soon. Randy said he'd call me once she called him about scheduling (he was going to set it up).. that was Thurs and nothing yet. The scared part of me is saying "see, he'll never call! give it up!" but I trust him. He'll do what he said he'd do. I just hope it's soon.
I dont think I'm going to forget the things I learned in partial.. being easier on myself, trying to allow myself to be happy, etc. They've stuck. But the reality of life has started coming back in full force. The pain that was temporarily taken off my shoulders by being there. I was really hoping it'd just stay away.. but of course, it doesnt work that way. but....
*** possible suicide triggers belowPart of me just wants to die. I dont know how to make that go away. It just feels so rational (even though I know it isnt). I can be easier on myself, love myself even (i dont yet).. but it doesnt take away the fact that I just hate being alive right now. Sure, there are good things in my life, but in a way, I'd be willing to trade it in. I'm on the new meds - no effect yet - but I've had so many bad experiences with drugs, I dont have a ton of hope in them working. But I'm trying it. What do I have to lose? I've done the partial hosp thing, done therapy for many years, and here I am.. feeling as bad as ever. Certainly different than I used to feel, but not really "better". Not happier. Just different.
School is very hard. I missed 2 weeks (5 hours) of an advanced statistics class and tomorrow will be my first day back. I just feel like I cant do it. I'm so far behind in everything and have absolutely no motivation to catch up. I've read maybe 2 articles (of 10? 15?) all weekend, and that was hard for me. I really want to just quit school. But then I'd feel like a failure and really, what would I do with myself then anyway? I just feel so completely overwhelmed with it all.
I just cant keep doing this forever. Randy would say.. one bad hour or day doesnt mean your entire week (etc) is bad. It's just a bad day. But how many bad days does it take to make things just overall bad?
I guess I'm just feeling sort of hopeless, as if that isnt obvious. I want to throw my hands up and say okay, you win, I give up. I cant imagine anything a T could say to me that would make me feel any better.. especially now that I'm starting over. I miss Anne. Even though she wasnt that great, she was safe. I really feel like I need her. I have an appt with Laurie on Friday, so maybe that will be good. Who knows.
It really means so much to me that you all posted that you were thinking about me. I also appreciate the babblemails.. I havent responded to them yet, but thank you. Really. I guess I'm just pulled in so many directions (internally) right now I just dont even know how to put anything into words. Part of me feels like feeling bad is almost a betrayal of Randy, which is dumb.. he doesnt expect me to be 100% better after 2 weeks in partial. Of course he doesnt. But still.
I just dont know.
Posted by Daisym on September 25, 2006, at 23:32:59
In reply to Sorry for disappearing (very long), posted by wishingstar on September 25, 2006, at 22:50:37
There is this "secret" that no one really talks about and that is that suicidal feelings ease off, but don't really completely go away for a long time. I've come to think of them as the escape hatch - and once suicide as an option ever gets on the table, it is incredibly hard to get off. Because it is the ultimate escape.
So you have to fight back, sometimes harder than others. And I think everything is pretty much fair game. Like disappointing Randy. I can imagine he would be pretty devasted if you hurt yourself or worse, after completing the program. Of course he doesn't expect you to be fully better. But he is hoping you will fight back.
All that said, things do seem very hard and overwhelming. Can you drop at least one class this quarter? Ease up on yourself and make it up later? Keep remembering the big picture - 5 years from now, who knows how you will feel? So, go slow and be gentle with yourself.
And laugh. Try to find things that make you laugh - because suicidal thoughts hate laughter. Watch a funny movie, read a comic book. But laugh.
Take good care,
Daisy
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 26, 2006, at 5:25:44
In reply to Sorry for disappearing (very long), posted by wishingstar on September 25, 2006, at 22:50:37
Been there, done that, WS. I lost an entire year of my life to suicidal depression. I'm nearly always moderately depressed, but that year, the suicidal ideation took over my life. I could only get out of bed in the morning by counting the days until *the* day when I would finally exert control over my life.
I hear you that it feels rational, even when you know it's not. That's part of the seduction. I can believe things when I'm that depressed that I would never believe otherwise.
But you can come out the other side. I know I keep telling you to hang in there, but honestly, that's what you have to do to reach the other side. And one day you'll wake up and realize you're not crying because you have to get out of bed. I can't promise that your life will suddenly be easy, but I can promise that this horrible depression will lift -- it may not go away completely, but it will lift enough to make it easier.
Did you see Laurie last Friday? If so, how was it and what did she have to say about the whole Anne thing?
I hope you get in to see your new T soon. And I hope she's the perfect match for you.
(((((WishingStar))))))
Posted by muffled on September 26, 2006, at 9:54:43
In reply to Sorry for disappearing (very long), posted by wishingstar on September 25, 2006, at 22:50:37
Posted by Gee on September 27, 2006, at 6:50:18
In reply to Re: Sorry for disappearing (very long) **Trigger** » wishingstar, posted by TherapyGirl on September 26, 2006, at 5:25:44
Posted by wishingstar on September 27, 2006, at 16:27:43
In reply to Re: Sorry for disappearing (very long) » wishingstar, posted by Daisym on September 25, 2006, at 23:32:59
Daisy, I know what you mean. I agree with what you said... even in my better moments (months, etc) the suicidal feelings are still in the back of my mind. I dont know if that will ever go away, but I think I can handle it. It's these moments where its so intense.. I'm just so tired of them. Why keep fighting it if I'll just end up here again anyway? (rhetorical question, I know the answer intellectually).
Unfortunately I cant really drop any classes this semester. I take 2 courses and then a credit for my thesis, which adds up to 9 credit hours. This is full time for my program, but anything less wouldnt be. If I drop anything, I lose my assistantship, which pays my tuition and a $7000 stipend (my only income). Maybe less important, I'd also lose the laptop they gave me. There's no way around that issue. It's really drop out or stay full time. I dont want to drop out.
Thanks for your advice.. I'm planning to go to the video store tonight. I'll try to get something to make me laugh a little. I could use it.
Posted by wishingstar on September 27, 2006, at 16:36:21
In reply to Re: Sorry for disappearing (very long) **Trigger** » wishingstar, posted by TherapyGirl on September 26, 2006, at 5:25:44
Believe it or not, the "hang in there"s really do help. It helps to know that you all are hearing me, even if there's no magic answer.
I did see Laurie last Friday. I was sort of on a just-finished-partial high... feeling very heard, very safe, relaxed, etc. I told her all the things I learned in partial and we spent the entire time talking about that.. no particular topic with any real depth. I was honestly feeling for a minute like things were fixed, but obviously, it doesnt work that way. But it was nice to see her. I did tell her about what happened with Anne of course. I talked a little about how angry and hurt I was by the way she'd terminated, and Laurie commented about how much it would have helped if Anne would have commented on her own feelings of being stuck, frustrated, etc... she was so, so right. I love how Laurie just "gets it". Laurie thinks Anne probably just was feeling lost and stuck and not confident enough to terminate with me herself. But at the time, I was feeling so good we didnt really get much into it. I'm supposed to see her again this Friday so I think we'll talk about it again then... I'm ready to be angry and hurt about it now, strange as that sounds.
Read my next comment for info on the new T... or lack thereof. Hah.
Thank you.
Posted by Shortelise on October 6, 2006, at 18:45:53
In reply to Sorry for disappearing (very long), posted by wishingstar on September 25, 2006, at 22:50:37
statistics are awful - very hard. You might want to find a tutor.
ShortE
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