![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 31. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by All Done on May 16, 2006, at 1:28:51
How are you?
I've had you in my thoughts a lot. Please make an extra effort to be good to yourself. You deserve to be able to relax a bit.
Hugs,
Laurie
Posted by annierose on May 16, 2006, at 6:57:15
In reply to Dinah?, posted by All Done on May 16, 2006, at 1:28:51
Posted by LadyBug on May 16, 2006, at 8:21:10
In reply to Dinah?, posted by All Done on May 16, 2006, at 1:28:51
I'm thinking of you too. I hope you're ok. Are you moving for sure? Please take good care and know that you're awesome!
Hugs
LadyBug
Posted by madeline on May 16, 2006, at 8:30:39
In reply to Dinah?, posted by All Done on May 16, 2006, at 1:28:51
Posted by Poet on May 16, 2006, at 9:32:00
In reply to Dinah?, posted by All Done on May 16, 2006, at 1:28:51
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 16, 2006, at 9:48:30
In reply to Dinah?, posted by All Done on May 16, 2006, at 1:28:51
Posted by Dinah on May 16, 2006, at 10:14:40
In reply to Dinah, are you okay? (nm), posted by Poet on May 16, 2006, at 9:32:00
I'm not really ok.
I'm self injuring a bit, and isolating a lot.
Our offer was accepted, and there are all the issues around that and things that need to be done. Work has had zero done on it since I was panicking last week. I just can't concentrate. I am hating myself.
I recognize, really recognize that my therapist hasn't been what I needed since Katrina, and that my son's school hasn't been what it used to be since Katrina, and that really nothing has been as it should be, and that likely none of it will be what it should be for a very long time. Yet when I found out the offer was accepted I cried all day despite megamedicine and a bit of rum.
My therapist and I have been having some really deep and touching talks, where he's finally admitted and regretted what's happened and expressed his own pain at losing me as a client. Which may not be textbook but really was what I need. It's been beautiful really, except that the next session we seem to have the same conversation because he doesn't seem to have remembered.
And he's so focused on the move that he's missing my cries for help, no matter how direct and articulate, and I'm escalating into more action because of that. But you guys are the only ones I've told that to. So as a cry for help my physical acting out isn't very effective.
I don't want to move, I don't necessarily want to stay. I'm failing badly at work, but can't bring myself to admit it. Maybe I'm hoping that I'll be fired, although that would be a disaster. Everything's crashing in my well constructed stable world.
Yeah, I know I've never been stable, but I've compensated by creating an almost pathologically stable world around me. I've lived within five or six miles of where I live now, all my life since I was four. I've been with the same guy for over a quarter of a century. Had the same job for nearly 25 years. Lived in this house for fourteen years, since we married. And I've had the support of my therapist (until last September) for eleven years.
Without that external stability my internal instability is taking over.
Dinah isn't Dinah at all right now. I can't be supportive, and I'm boring myself with posting about the same things all the time. I'm even turning off instant messaging most of the time, for the same reason.
I need a drink. I really need a drink.
Posted by MidnightBlue on May 16, 2006, at 11:45:37
In reply to I'm around, posted by Dinah on May 16, 2006, at 10:14:40
Dinah,
My dear, sweet Dinah!
> I'm not really ok.And I'm REALLY sorry about that. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make you okay or give you a magic pill. But I will pray for you and think about you all day.
> I'm self injuring a bit, and isolating a lot.
It may hurt to come out into the sunlight, but it will help. It really will. The only thing good that happens in darkness is SLEEP!
> Our offer was accepted, and there are all the issues around that and things that need to be done. Work has had zero done on it since I was panicking last week. I just can't concentrate. I am hating myself.
New beginnings aren't easy! And they always aren't fun! But I do think this is the right choice for you and your family! New Orleans will never be what it was. It will always be your home and a place you love but it will always be different and there isn't anything you can do about that!
> I recognize, really recognize that my therapist hasn't been what I needed since Katrina, and that my son's school hasn't been what it used to be since Katrina, and that really nothing has been as it should be, and that likely none of it will be what it should be for a very long time. Yet when I found out the offer was accepted I cried all day despite megamedicine and a bit of rum.
>
> My therapist and I have been having some really deep and touching talks, where he's finally admitted and regretted what's happened and expressed his own pain at losing me as a client. Which may not be textbook but really was what I need. It's been beautiful really, except that the next session we seem to have the same conversation because he doesn't seem to have remembered.EVERYONE in that area of the country is under stress and will continue to be for many years to come.
> And he's so focused on the move that he's missing my cries for help, no matter how direct and articulate, and I'm escalating into more action because of that. But you guys are the only ones I've told that to. So as a cry for help my physical acting out isn't very effective.
I hear you Dinah, I really do. I wish there was more I could do to help!
> I don't want to move, I don't necessarily want to stay. I'm failing badly at work, but can't bring myself to admit it. Maybe I'm hoping that I'll be fired, although that would be a disaster. Everything's crashing in my well constructed stable world.
But Dinah, God is in control. He really is! I know it doesn't look like it or feel like it, but he really IS!
> Yeah, I know I've never been stable, but I've compensated by creating an almost pathologically stable world around me. I've lived within five or six miles of where I live now, all my life since I was four. I've been with the same guy for over a quarter of a century. Had the same job for nearly 25 years. Lived in this house for fourteen years, since we married. And I've had the support of my therapist (until last September) for eleven years.
>
> Without that external stability my internal instability is taking over.
>
> Dinah isn't Dinah at all right now. I can't be supportive, and I'm boring myself with posting about the same things all the time. I'm even turning off instant messaging most of the time, for the same reason.
>
> I need a drink. I really need a drink.You are NEVER boring, and always supportive even when you don't think you are! Have a nice cold glass of ice tea and enjoy the pretty weather you should be having today!
HUGS,
MidnightBlue
Posted by Dinah on May 16, 2006, at 12:33:35
In reply to Re: I'm around » Dinah, posted by MidnightBlue on May 16, 2006, at 11:45:37
I know you're right. I even know I'm more likely to establish a new stability there than I am to regain stability here. Long term it'll be good for my family and for myself. Short term it'll be very rough as everything gets torn up and uprooted.
I feel so sorry for my son. He needs a mom who's positive or at least ok about moving. Not one who's more distressed than he is even.
I'll be better once I finish driving for the day and can take an inch or so of rum in a kitchen glass. I've never been much of a drinker, but all my meds are failing me and alchohol isn't.
You are always so very sweet. Thank you.
Posted by LadyBug on May 16, 2006, at 14:28:12
In reply to I'm around, posted by Dinah on May 16, 2006, at 10:14:40
I'm soooo sorry you are where you are. I can see why you want to escape. The pain is too great to bare. I won't bore you with everything you already know. This too shall pass. As ugly as that may seem. I know my world seems hopeless right now as well. Life sucks. it just does!!
LadyBug
Posted by fallsfall on May 16, 2006, at 15:40:28
In reply to I'm around, posted by Dinah on May 16, 2006, at 10:14:40
You never bore me.
I'll be around after work today, why don't you turn IM on?
That's exciting that they accepted your offer. I can understand your ambivalence. It will be a big change. Change is hard, but it can be good. I think this will be good for you. I hope it will be good for you.
I get uneasy when you talk about Rum.........
Come and talk to me instead?
Falls
Posted by All Done on May 16, 2006, at 17:28:47
In reply to Re: I'm around » MidnightBlue, posted by Dinah on May 16, 2006, at 12:33:35
> I feel so sorry for my son. He needs a mom who's positive or at least ok about moving. Not one who's more distressed than he is even.
(((Dinah))),
I know it's a hard time for all of you, but I think it's okay if your son sees you distressed about the move. Children need to know that their parents' have emotional lives, too. I think he would sense if you were being positive just for his sake and I'm not sure that would have the same effect as actually *being* completely happy or whatever. Think of it as a time for you to share some complicated feelings with each other and take the opportunity to work things out *with* him, not *for* him.
I'm sorry you're hurting. None of this is easy. Just promise you'll try your hardest to be gentle with yourself. It's okay to have a lot of mixed emotions over this. It's completely understandable.
(((((Dinah)))))
Lots of love,
Laurie
Posted by Pfinstegg on May 16, 2006, at 18:44:40
In reply to I'm around, posted by Dinah on May 16, 2006, at 10:14:40
It's just a huge up-rooting in so many ways. Losing the place where you grew up, the house where you've lived since you got married, the job you shared for so long with your father, your son's school, which clearly meant a lot to everyone (we used a lovely school very similiar to a Montessori, and are still attached to it- not least because it helped us learn to be better parents), and your therapist- probably most powerfully and poignantly. It was wonderful to hear how much he cares about you, Dinah, and how much he'll miss you. Even though he hasn't been able to be the same since Katrina in terms of reliability and support, his caring hasn't changed. I don't think it ever will- you will be part of him- and he part of you- always. I hope you will work out a good way of keeping in touch- NOT the telephone, if I remember from long-ago posts! But when you return to see him, I think it will always mean a lot to both of you. I have a new- well 3 years! therapist who means the world to me, but I also have one from when I was very young. We have maintained such a special relationship for more years than I dare say- through notes and occasional visits. Strangely, I feel I am a little part of making HIS life a good and meaningful one, and, it goes without saying, he is a big part of what has gone right in my own. I heard from him at Christmas- he is now 80- and says he is "a bit creaky, but fine". He seemed to take so much pleasure and interest in my son's doctorate and marriage, and in my paintings and flower photography. It just never ended- your relationship won't either. It can't: it runs far too deep each way
I don't know where you are going, (although I'm curious!), but it sounds as if you have found a house you like- that will be fun. I do hope that you find a really good school for your wonderful son, and most importantly, that you find a new therapist who feels right for you. I love how Falls did it- another quite old post by now. She was such a thoughtful and careful consumer- but then I think she chose the one who just "felt" right intuitively. Isn't that an ideal use of first the left, and then the right hemispheres? I am becoming increasingly impressed by how important a good right-hemisphere fit is for really good therapy to take place. Everyone seems to be recognizing, now, that "implicit relational knowing" (and learning) is what really takes place in therapy, and what makes people truly get better. For example, the Volume 15, No 6, 2006 issue of "Psychoanalytic Dialogues" has some wonderful articles about this by Jody Messler-Davies, Steven Knoblauch and Allan Schore. As you are looking for a new therapist, that journal might be helpful- if only to let THEM know what you need and expect.
It's a huge amount of loss, Dinah- and all at once. Please do your very best to comfort and care for yourself until your future life actually begins to happen. And please keep posting here a lot. It is never boring, and, if you aren't here, we all miss you.
Posted by annierose on May 16, 2006, at 19:59:32
In reply to Re: I'm around » Dinah, posted by Pfinstegg on May 16, 2006, at 18:44:40
Dinah -
Please don't isolate yourself. We are here to listen to you a million times if need be.
I think Phinstegg is correct in that you will always have a special relationship with your T. You will carry him inside your heart and you will smile a knowing smile when something reminds you of him --- and you can have that conversation within yourself of what he would say and how you would reply. And you will make a point to see him from time to time in person. It won't be regular therapy, but it might help you with the transition to your new home and the beginnings of your fresh start.
I hope in time, you will open yourself to the possibilities of a new therapist. He or she will never be "your T" but you might surprise yourself in building a new leg to that stool of yours. It might be a different shape, maybe not as strong, but strong enough to support you, maybe a different texture and not as smooth. You are a wise consumer of therapy. You will know who is just right, or just right enough for now.
I am excited for the new start you are giving your son --- it's a real gift from a broken heart. He needs to live in a city that is vibrant, a school that will nuture him and you and your husband. I know he will be okay. But it won't be instant. He'll need time to adjust too.
I am here for you. Let me know how I can help.
Annie
Posted by Dinah on May 16, 2006, at 21:36:45
In reply to Re: I'm around, posted by annierose on May 16, 2006, at 19:59:32
I'd love to reply to everyone, but I just can't.
I slept this evening instead of drinking, which i guess is good except that i've hardly done any work.
The timing is rotten. A huge deadline and total emotional meltdown simultaneously. I still haven't let on what's going on with work. I can't face it.
My therapist was on the phone with me when he had to get off quickly for a good reason. He said he'd call me back. I'm hoping he heard me tell him I didn't need him to call me back as he hung up the phone. Because he didn't call back. I'm going to assume he heard me.
Posted by Dinah on May 16, 2006, at 21:38:28
In reply to Re: I'm around, posted by Dinah on May 16, 2006, at 21:36:45
I really am sorry. I'm not fit for human company right now.
So many good things y'all had to say. I did hear them, even if I can't respond right now.
Posted by sleepygirl on May 16, 2006, at 22:30:05
In reply to I'm around, posted by Dinah on May 16, 2006, at 10:14:40
wish I could make it easier for you
((((((Dinah))))))
so much stuff for you right now...so hard
hang on to whatever you can and be gentle with yourself please
I hope you're getting a whole lot of therapy
-love,
sg
Posted by fallsfall on May 17, 2006, at 7:40:03
In reply to Re: I'm around, posted by Dinah on May 16, 2006, at 21:38:28
(((Dinah)))
You are always fit company for me. We can sit on IM and breathe together ("In.....Out.....In.....Out.....")
Love,
Falls
Posted by gardenergirl on May 17, 2006, at 8:42:40
In reply to Re: I'm around, posted by Dinah on May 16, 2006, at 21:38:28
Dinah,
If you're moving, can't you just let work go? I know it means a great deal to you because of your father, but could it be time to just cut your losses if it's causing so much stress in addition to what you're also facing?Please know I'm thinking of you, and I'm here to help in any way I can.
(((Dinah)))
gg
Posted by MidnightBlue on May 17, 2006, at 16:39:23
In reply to I'm around, posted by Dinah on May 16, 2006, at 10:14:40
Dinah,
Don't know if you are reading, working, or fretting, but want you to know you are still in my thoughts and prayers today.
Take care sweet friend.
MidnightBlue
Posted by ClearSkies on May 18, 2006, at 8:48:53
In reply to Re: I'm around, posted by Dinah on May 16, 2006, at 21:36:45
Dinah, I hope that this move will be the last of the enormous upheavals for you for a long, long time.
When I was young (9 years old) my family moved to another province, with a different cultural base, and the family endured a big downshift in lifestyle as my dad left the safety of a corporate environment to start his own company. Even at 9, I knew that this was a really big deal, and that so much had changed for us all that it was more like starting all over in a new place, than "just" continuing our story in another place.
My mom tried to hold herself together and not let on how upsetting the process was for her. She finally had stability in her life after having gone through being a Displaced Person after the war and moving from country to country, trying to settle in and settle down, only to be wrenched away time after time. For her to have a place where she was able to put down her roots and establish a life with family, work and friends, was a real milestone for her.
She coped with medication, and knitting (!). She made an area rug that she always referred to as her Frustration art. It's still on the floor at her bedside, a reminder of what she endured after thinking that she was done with uprooting herself and starting over in a new place.
In fact, she did it again a couple of times, to be where she is today. Divorce, death, retirement - all were launching points for moves and reinventing of her life.
I wish lots of things for you, Dinah. That you get through this period with no harm; that you can perhaps see some excitement about the move for you and your family; and that this is ultimately, the best thing you've ever done. I think that you can do all this. I wish that your indepth relationship with your therapist was easier to tease apart (and I realize that his own Katrina experience played an enormous role in this process). I hope that you're able to see this process as a new beginning for yourself, with all its opportunities.
CS
Posted by Daisym on May 19, 2006, at 0:18:20
In reply to Re: I'm around, posted by Dinah on May 16, 2006, at 21:38:28
(((Dinah)))
I know your heart is breaking. I wish I had the right kind of glue for this. I know how hard moving is and how although you have a lot to look forward to, you do have to mourn your losses. I like what Pfinstegg said about making room in your life for this to turn into a long distance relationship. It isn't over, it is just different now. And you've been aware that you have gradually been becoming more "friends" anyway. I know it is a loss of security and comfort for you. I guess I wouldn't try to replace it, since nothing ever will. But I think you can build other supports and make a new life for yourself and your family.
I don't know what I would have done so many times without you. Please let me help you now. If you need anything, just ask. I know I've been hiding, but I'm not far away.
Hugs from me,
Daisy
Posted by Dinah on May 19, 2006, at 8:08:46
In reply to Re: I'm around » Dinah, posted by Daisym on May 19, 2006, at 0:18:20
I'm sorry I haven't been very responsive.
I guess I'm not yet ready to be reasonable. Work is another stressor right now, and I'm trying like h*ll to get out from under this in some very bad and stupid ways. I suppose after talking to the boss on the job I'm scaredest about, I'm feeling pretty stupid stupid stupid about what I've done. He was really quite nice and had some good sensible advice, and told me not to worry too much. Which was both kind and smart of him, since it let me get some work done. I should have had the conversation earlier, I guess.
I am a bit worried since he hinted at changes in my future career responsibilities that don't seem quite in keeping with what I had in mind. Not firing, but something I don't think I'll like. He told me not to worry about it, and that we'd talk after this job was done. Makes sense I guess since if it's bad the job won't get done, but still nerve wracking. (I won't be leaving this job, just reducing my hours and telecommuting.)
I tried to cancel with my therapist for today. He hadn't heard me say not to call back. As usual he just forgot me as things came up in his own life.
I think maybe he shouldn't be practicing right now.
I realized I just didn't feel like going. A first for me. Not that I was angry or anything. I just didn't feel like putting in the time. And the only reason I was going was because I wanted someone to see the SI. I have been trying to get anyone to notice it and see that I got help, but no one has.
Yet today I'm feeling really regretful at what I've done and really afraid that it's going to need medical attention, although from what I've read on the internet it shouldn't. And I don't want anyone to see it. I am definitely going to add this method to the list of things I'll never do again.
Maybe I'm starting to be more ready to be reasonable. But seeing my therapist will probably reverse that. It has, in general, of late.
I'm so angry with him. If he'd said the things then that he's saying now, I wouldn't have made this decision. Despite his forgetting me all the time. I don't expect perfection. But he kept being so blasted distant about the prospect of my moving. I think he thought I wasn't serious. And I thought he didn't give a flying rat's *ss, which made it pretty d*mn stupid of me to care.
I'm not ready to see moving as a good thing. Rigth now it's taking me away from two things I love so passionately, and at least one wisely as well. And I hate the move for that.
I can't even blame my husband because he would have stayed, despite his own desire to leave, if I hadn't pushed to go. So I guess I'm most angry of all at me. For not getting my work done. For being the driving force towards the middle for this decision. Now my husband is, and at the beginning my husband was, but at a critical stage I was. I hate me for that. I'm the stupidest *^%&% in the world for that.
And that's true even if I terminated with my therapist anyway. This is my home. It may be sick, and it might not be better any time in the next several years or (depending on the next few years weather, the wisdom of politicians, etc.) ever even, but it's my home. What kind of person am I to leave my home when it needs me and people like me more than ever.
Posted by MidnightBlue on May 19, 2006, at 10:48:10
In reply to Re: I'm around (trigger I guess), posted by Dinah on May 19, 2006, at 8:08:46
Dinah,
It is good to hear from you, even if what you have to say makes me sad. I still think moving is the right decision. Not the easiest decision, but the right one. You are not well enough to stay and "fix" New Orleans. You need to fix yourself first.
The news is filled with reports of the limited medical care that is available there. Many of the schools are still a mess, and few children have returned.
New Orleans will survive, but it will be a different city. If you are moving where I think you are moving you will love it! Don't feel guilty about that! You have suffered enough.
Reducing your job hours and telecommuting might be good for you! I'm glad you had the courage to talk to your boss. Just take things a day at a time. Don't worry about what might be.
Is there anyone you can trust to look at your SI to see if it needs treatment? A nurse maybe?
Like you I'm always second guessing myself. It will be okay. It really will!
Hugs,
MidnightBlue
Posted by rubenstein on May 19, 2006, at 11:21:57
In reply to Re: I'm around (trigger I guess), posted by Dinah on May 19, 2006, at 8:08:46
Dinah things must be so hard for you right now. I am glad you are reading about your Si'ing becuase taking care of the wound is so important. I understand about wanting someone to see it, not to brag or even talk about it but just as a call for help. To let others see you are in pain, to let yourself see that you are in pain. I am thining about you, and hope things go better for you in the coming days,
rachel'm sorry I haven't been very responsive.
>
> I guess I'm not yet ready to be reasonable. Work is another stressor right now, and I'm trying like h*ll to get out from under this in some very bad and stupid ways. I suppose after talking to the boss on the job I'm scaredest about, I'm feeling pretty stupid stupid stupid about what I've done. He was really quite nice and had some good sensible advice, and told me not to worry too much. Which was both kind and smart of him, since it let me get some work done. I should have had the conversation earlier, I guess.
>
> I am a bit worried since he hinted at changes in my future career responsibilities that don't seem quite in keeping with what I had in mind. Not firing, but something I don't think I'll like. He told me not to worry about it, and that we'd talk after this job was done. Makes sense I guess since if it's bad the job won't get done, but still nerve wracking. (I won't be leaving this job, just reducing my hours and telecommuting.)
>
> I tried to cancel with my therapist for today. He hadn't heard me say not to call back. As usual he just forgot me as things came up in his own life.
>
> I think maybe he shouldn't be practicing right now.
>
> I realized I just didn't feel like going. A first for me. Not that I was angry or anything. I just didn't feel like putting in the time. And the only reason I was going was because I wanted someone to see the SI. I have been trying to get anyone to notice it and see that I got help, but no one has.
>
> Yet today I'm feeling really regretful at what I've done and really afraid that it's going to need medical attention, although from what I've read on the internet it shouldn't. And I don't want anyone to see it. I am definitely going to add this method to the list of things I'll never do again.
>
> Maybe I'm starting to be more ready to be reasonable. But seeing my therapist will probably reverse that. It has, in general, of late.
>
> I'm so angry with him. If he'd said the things then that he's saying now, I wouldn't have made this decision. Despite his forgetting me all the time. I don't expect perfection. But he kept being so blasted distant about the prospect of my moving. I think he thought I wasn't serious. And I thought he didn't give a flying rat's *ss, which made it pretty d*mn stupid of me to care.
>
> I'm not ready to see moving as a good thing. Rigth now it's taking me away from two things I love so passionately, and at least one wisely as well. And I hate the move for that.
>
> I can't even blame my husband because he would have stayed, despite his own desire to leave, if I hadn't pushed to go. So I guess I'm most angry of all at me. For not getting my work done. For being the driving force towards the middle for this decision. Now my husband is, and at the beginning my husband was, but at a critical stage I was. I hate me for that. I'm the stupidest *^%&% in the world for that.
>
> And that's true even if I terminated with my therapist anyway. This is my home. It may be sick, and it might not be better any time in the next several years or (depending on the next few years weather, the wisdom of politicians, etc.) ever even, but it's my home. What kind of person am I to leave my home when it needs me and people like me more than ever.
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