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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by madeline on April 21, 2006, at 17:44:05
I really could use some help here.
I had a gynecology appointment on Wednesday, and while I've never been a pro at these appointments, this one bothered me more than any one I have ever been too. The exam was routine, nothing out of the ordinary, but I sat in the car after it was over and shook for two minutes. I cried the rest of the day at work.
I felt ashamed and very embarrassed. I'm still not over it, and could have a panic attack at any second. It's triggered some very deep feelings of shame and guilt.
Do you guys have any advice on how to handle things like pelvic exams, because the way I feel now, I'm NEVER going back. I'm NEVER going to have kids because of the exams. I'm NEVER going to allow that to happen again.
I don't want to go through it again.
Posted by frida on April 21, 2006, at 17:50:00
In reply to Doctor's appt - strong CSA trigger - need help., posted by madeline on April 21, 2006, at 17:44:05
Hi--
I am so sorry- i hear the pain in your words.
I am so sorry you were triggered so badly.I've avoided going to a gyn for that very same reason. The last time I went I had to write in a piece of paper that I had been abused, and that I couldn't handle this and she couldn't revise me or anything and I never went back.
I don't know how to handle it either...but I think one important thing is to tell the doctor something, so she/he can be gentle and caring. But it can be really difficult, to get through the moment. For me the last time I had a gyn exam, I closed my eyes tight and got through it but cried afterwards. I think it is better to tell your doctor so she can help you through, and find a caring, compassionate doctor, to make it easier...
I am sorry..
Frida
I really could use some help here.
>
> I had a gynecology appointment on Wednesday, and while I've never been a pro at these appointments, this one bothered me more than any one I have ever been too. The exam was routine, nothing out of the ordinary, but I sat in the car after it was over and shook for two minutes. I cried the rest of the day at work.
>
> I felt ashamed and very embarrassed. I'm still not over it, and could have a panic attack at any second. It's triggered some very deep feelings of shame and guilt.
>
> Do you guys have any advice on how to handle things like pelvic exams, because the way I feel now, I'm NEVER going back. I'm NEVER going to have kids because of the exams. I'm NEVER going to allow that to happen again.
>
> I don't want to go through it again.
Posted by Veracity on April 21, 2006, at 19:57:35
In reply to Doctor's appt - strong CSA trigger - need help., posted by madeline on April 21, 2006, at 17:44:05
That sounds really awful.
I wonder if your therapist may have the names of some gynecologists who have special training in how to examine clients with special emotional needs? I know that some nurses can get sexual assault certification, which means they have undergone special training on how to examine sexual assault victims with special consideration to their emotional needs (along with how to collect evidence). Maybe there is similar training for gynecologists. Not necessarily just for victims of sexual abuse... but for any patient who felt inordinately uncomfortable.
Posted by Racer on April 22, 2006, at 1:18:31
In reply to Re: Doctor's appt - strong CSA trigger - need help, posted by Veracity on April 21, 2006, at 19:57:35
That sounds so awful, Madeline. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
I have two different suggestions to offer, which you can look at according to your needs: if you just need to get through it, just grit your teeth, close your eyes, and put yourself on that lovely island somewhere, with beach boys bringing you mimosas and peeling your grapes.
And then go home, pull the covers over your head, and sleep it off.
What I've done, in similar circumstances, is to concentrate on every sensation. Just explore every feeling, good, bad, painful, whatever. EXACTLY what is it feeling like? If it hurts, is the pain sharp? Burning? Dull? Describe the pain in words, every step of the way. Are your muscles tense? Which muscles? Where can you feel the tension? Describe, in words, to yourself every sensation you experience. Concentrate all your attention on the feelings of the exam. If the doctor tries to carry on a conversation with you, ask her/him not to until the exam is over. "Doc, this exam is triggering CSA issues for me, and I need to be quiet to get through it."
I know that sounds so counterintuitive, but it really has made me feel better when I've done it. For some reason, which might just be that I'm bizarrely weird, it makes me feel more powerful -- it feels like taking back control, somehow. And that gets me through it.
I use that at the dentist, too -- although I also carry on conversations with my dentist, or ask him to tell me stories while he works. (I've been going to him for 23 years now -- and I trust him.)
I'm so sorry, that experience sounds terrible to me. I think you're right, though, to consider how you're going to get through your next exam -- if you have a plan of action, you're much more likely to get over the fear before it gets any worse than it is now.
Good luck, and be well.
Posted by madeline on April 22, 2006, at 18:29:23
In reply to Doctor's appt - strong CSA trigger - need help., posted by madeline on April 21, 2006, at 17:44:05
I really don't know what I am going to do about this. I'm still having some pain and I'm afraid I'm going to have to go back. But I can't.
I'm going to try to figure something out and see if my therapist knows of any OB/GYNs that sort of specialize in abuse survivors. Maybe that would be easier.
Posted by antigua on April 23, 2006, at 9:44:01
In reply to To all, thanks., posted by madeline on April 22, 2006, at 18:29:23
I found a female ob/gyn and talked it over with her beforehand and she was just wonderful. I had my last child with her and it was an entirely different experience. She was always very careful and considerate of my feelings.
best,
antigua
Posted by madeline on April 24, 2006, at 6:51:42
In reply to Doctor's appt - strong CSA trigger - need help., posted by madeline on April 21, 2006, at 17:44:05
I keep replaying the exam in my head and the feelings afterward. It's the last thing I think about at night before the sleeping pill kicks in and the first thing I think about in the morning.
I feel so abandoned, manipulated and just gone. Just absolutely vanished.
I go to my T today and that's a good thing, but we've already talked about this for one whole session. I don't know what more he can add. He has no clue what it is like.
In order to feel more in control, I've researched so much about pelvic exams I could probably DO one, but it seems to be retraumatizing me even more.
I'm really at a loss here. I've got to quit being so upset about this and move on. But I just don't think I can.
Posted by daisym on April 24, 2006, at 17:07:55
In reply to I'm just not getting over this., posted by madeline on April 24, 2006, at 6:51:42
Hi Maddy,
Two things, talking about the same thing over and over again in therapy is helping. Just because HE doesn't know what else to suggest doesn't mean YOU don't need to talk about it. Think about any past traumatic event...you can't undo it, but you still need to process it. So talk about it until you don't need to anymore. And then talk about it one more time.
The other thing is that I would like to gently suggest that you stop resisting your feelings (yup, pot calling the kettle black here) and stop telling yourself to move on. You just aren't ready yet. This whole event provoked a very powerful body memory and you've been flooded. Your very soul feels invaded, it sounds like, with these really raw and painful feelings and you just can't shove that aside. It doesn't matter how much you tell yourself you SHOULDN'T feel this way; You do. And I've found that these things are just weird, they respond at different times to different things. Who knows what the ultimate trigger was? Maybe a different scent in the air, or something brushed your skin in a certain way, or even a phrases said with a specific tone of voice, something came together when you were in this tremendously vulnerable position and you lost your safety. It will take a while to get it back.
Your therapist sounds like he can help you get it back if you let him. Just be gentle with yourself and try to stay open to his help. I think the youngest parts of you sound terrified and need comfort. Let the adult who knows she needs another exam at some point, wait.
I wish I had more to offer for comfort than words.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by madeline on April 24, 2006, at 20:02:21
In reply to Re: I'm just not getting over this. » madeline, posted by daisym on April 24, 2006, at 17:07:55
Oh Daisy I feel like I should be hugging you, but you hugged me. I could feel the warmth and "been there" feel in your post. Thank you. Talking about it today with my T did help a lot. And you're right, a powerful body memory was activated. I couldn't/can't process it at all, but I'm working on it.
I'm going to fix a nice bowl of eggs for dinner and sleep. Cholesterol be damned!
I hope you are doing well, you have certainly been in my thoughts the past few days.
I'm always here for you.
Maddie.
Posted by happyflower on April 25, 2006, at 17:14:30
In reply to Re: I'm just not getting over this. » daisym, posted by madeline on April 24, 2006, at 20:02:21
(((((madeline)))) I am glad your T is helping you. I am thinking of you.
Posted by Tamar on April 25, 2006, at 19:51:35
In reply to I'm just not getting over this., posted by madeline on April 24, 2006, at 6:51:42
Hey Madeline,
I hate those exams too… can’t stand them.
> I keep replaying the exam in my head and the feelings afterward. It's the last thing I think about at night before the sleeping pill kicks in and the first thing I think about in the morning.
Yeah, I’ve done that too. And I suspect in my case it’s a distraction from thinking about the thing that caused the original pain: the pain that the gyn exam reminds me of.
> I feel so abandoned, manipulated and just gone. Just absolutely vanished.
>
> I go to my T today and that's a good thing, but we've already talked about this for one whole session. I don't know what more he can add. He has no clue what it is like.
>
> In order to feel more in control, I've researched so much about pelvic exams I could probably DO one, but it seems to be retraumatizing me even more.
>
> I'm really at a loss here. I've got to quit being so upset about this and move on. But I just don't think I can.Don’t be too hard on yourself! If you’re not ready to move on, there’s no need to push yourself. You are upset for a reason. You are allowed to be upset. It was an upsetting experience, and you’re not alone.
Last time I went for a pelvic exam I took my husband and he held my hand and I cried all the way through it. Then I spent most of the weekend sleeping, because I needed lots of time to recover. Give yourself the time you need. You deserve it.
Tamar
Posted by joslynn on April 26, 2006, at 13:17:14
In reply to Doctor's appt - strong CSA trigger - need help., posted by madeline on April 21, 2006, at 17:44:05
I have a friend in your sitch and she put off getting examed for a long time.
One thing that comes to mind...I wonder if you could take some sort of mild tranquilizer just for that time?
I know you probably know this, but it really is important to get Pap smears etc. You deserve good health.
I'm not a CSA survivor, but even I don't like the exams. There is definitely a difference in how different people have done the exams, I have found. I had one really good gyn who moved, unfortunately.
Do you have a male or femal g-doc or does that matter?
Posted by joslynn on April 26, 2006, at 13:22:35
In reply to Re: Doctor's appt - strong CSA trigger - need help, posted by joslynn on April 26, 2006, at 13:17:14
P.S. I was not trying to compare my discomfort to yours at all...just saying I dislike the exanms too, but of course, for you with your CSA background, it is a totally different world of discomfort. So I didn't want my last post to sound minimizing. I will ask my friend what she did to get thru it.
Also, I think that now they are saying eggs are ok for you, so don't worry about that!
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