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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 26. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by barna on March 31, 2006, at 2:54:40
Have you ever asked your Ts what they think about you, what they feel when listening or talking to you, what do you mean to them? I've been in therapy for almost two years and I feel real deep love for my T, very special love. I know she also loves me, but I guess she loves me the way she loves all her clients, or perhaps in a different way, I'm not sure about this. Do Ts feel the same love for all their clients? Or is it different for each different client? I guess it depends on the T. I would like to know what I mean for my T, but I guess the answer will be that I'm just a client, a part of her work. This is hard, but it also helps me to accept reality. I will never be special for her, or perhaps I won't be as special as she is for me. I'm conscious about the fact that having a friendship with her after therapy would be almost impossible, since it would be very difficult to reach a balanced relationship, but I don't lose the hope. Perhaps this hope will help me to suffer less when I decide to terminate therapy. I now see her as a friend and it's hard because I would like this relationship to be reciprocal, but this is not possible right now. In the future, who knows... I will leave a door open to destiny... For the moment I will enjoy the therapeutical relationship, I think I still have a lot to learn.
What do you think? Am I being ingenuous?
Posted by Sixsecrets on March 31, 2006, at 3:33:35
In reply to Do Ts care about their clients?, posted by barna on March 31, 2006, at 2:54:40
I think mine tolerates me, after all, he's getting paid $140/hr to listen. He might very well be sitting there half-listening or tuning me out and thinking about what to do on the weekend, or getting his car lubed. Who knows? I don't he really cares.
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on March 31, 2006, at 6:45:08
In reply to Re: Do Ts care about their clients?, posted by Sixsecrets on March 31, 2006, at 3:33:35
I think that (good) T's care abt their clients. Being a T is an awfully stressful and draining job and I don't think it would be worth doing unless you cared abt your clients. AND I think that when T's care, they care abt each client differently b/c they are all different people. Good T's treat people rather than treating problems.
This came up in my own therapy recently. I was worried abt being a "bad client" (among other things). In response, my T told me that she looks forward to seeing me. I can't express how healing that was for me.
Best,
EE
Posted by rubenstein on March 31, 2006, at 9:00:02
In reply to Do Ts care about their clients?, posted by barna on March 31, 2006, at 2:54:40
It has taken me a long time to say this, but yes I think T's do care about their clients, and I now that mine cares about me.
rachel
Posted by milly on March 31, 2006, at 9:42:23
In reply to Do Ts care about their clients?, posted by barna on March 31, 2006, at 2:54:40
Yes i think they do care, even when we push them away and convince ourselves that nobody cares. i know now that mine cares i just have to let myself believe it
milly
Posted by B2chica on March 31, 2006, at 9:51:56
In reply to Do Ts care about their clients?, posted by barna on March 31, 2006, at 2:54:40
i think if it's a good and genuine T than their care for their clients is differnt for each one. i've had some clinic experience and there are characters and ones i will never forget, and there are the ones that you get attached to.
but you may not be as special as she/he is to you. afterall, you are the one baring your soul to this person, telling them intimate secrets, fears and everyday troubles. there is bound to be a 'special' connection for you to this person because of what you are telling them.
and for ethical reasons i think there is a two year thing before they can have a personal relationship with you. also, though you may want them as a friend you have a 'theraputic' relationship now and it's hard to change that relationship, you would still want to tell them your troubles and in a sense still want that type of relationship.
but who knows.
i'm glad you are going to just enjoy what you have. i think you are being very genuine. and i think leaving it to destiny is good. good positive attitude.b2c.
Posted by Racer on March 31, 2006, at 12:16:17
In reply to Re: Do Ts care about their clients?, posted by B2chica on March 31, 2006, at 9:51:56
It's funny, but that's not something I've ever really thought about. I think I've always just taken it on faith that any T I've seen has "seen" me, as an individual, and that if it was a working therapeutic alliance, it was because there was a feeling on each side that made it so. And that if the T didn't "see" me, or didn't care about me, then there wouldn't be a working therapeutic relationship.
I know my current T cares about me, because I can feel it when I'm in the room with her. That's a big part of why this is working so very well for me. (Of course, it probably helps that she says things that lead me to feel that she cares, too.)
Also, when I was teaching, I know that I cared about most, if not all, of my regular students. Some drove me nuts, some I didn't especially *like,* and some I really think I did love. It was different for all of them, because they were all different. But there was something there with all of them. So I assume that it's similar with Ts -- they connect with all their clients, the way I connected with mine.
OK. Now I'm just rambling... Done!
Posted by fairywings on March 31, 2006, at 18:15:55
In reply to Do Ts care about their clients?, posted by barna on March 31, 2006, at 2:54:40
Those are some good questions. Why don't you ask?
The last T I had, I know didn't care about me. It was like he couldn't wait to get me out of there! I felt very unimportant.
With my current T, I don't know how he feels, but I know he cares about his clients. He is very warm and very genuine.....kind of fatherly. He never rushes me. It must be hard to deal with people's issues all day, esp. when you have your own things to sort through.
Yeah, I'd love to have a friendship instead of a therapeutic relationship. I don't like talking about my stuff in therapy, so I'm not exactly comfortable with it, but he makes it as easy as it ever would be with anyone, and after going to him I'd never want to go to anyone else. Then again, I think no friendship....no other relationship is quite like what you have with your T.
I think I'll ask.......thanks for bringing it up!
fw
Posted by sleepygirl on March 31, 2006, at 20:31:12
In reply to Do Ts care about their clients?, posted by barna on March 31, 2006, at 2:54:40
yeah.....they do for sure
I think T's are passionate about their work (for the most part), and they show their caring in certain ways through the relationship.I can't always feel it from my T ('cause I've got this thing with me being a horrible, wretched individual), but sometimes I can know that he does care, and it is really helpful. And then I think for a little while that I am not so awful, and I can hold on to that feeling more and more.
It can be tough however, the whole imbalance thing, wondering what the heck they must be thinking about you, but that's a good clue to how you might feel about yourself.
Posted by madeline on March 31, 2006, at 21:27:49
In reply to Re: Do Ts care about their clients?, posted by Racer on March 31, 2006, at 12:16:17
Racer,
What an wonderful post. I have long struggled with "does my T care about me at all" and your teaching analogy really hit home for me.I teach as well and I do care for all of my students. There is just something about them that touches me a lot. Even the ones, as you say, I don't necessarily like.
I think that is exactly what t's feel about their clients. It is not an all consuming kind of love, but it is love pure and simple.
Thanks for the insight.
Posted by Gee on March 31, 2006, at 23:54:44
In reply to Re: Do Ts care about their clients? » Racer, posted by madeline on March 31, 2006, at 21:27:49
I know my last t cared about me because we still talk even though she doesn't have to. She's a really special person. She does so much for her "kids" that she really doesn't have to do.
The t that I have now, I think she cares. She's going away this week, and booked me in for her last appointment the week after without checking with me because she thought I would need it. And since I've come back, she hasn't given up on me even though she's only suppose to allow 8 appointments, and it's been more than that now. And again, she does more for me than she has to.
Posted by Poet on April 1, 2006, at 14:20:33
In reply to Do Ts care about their clients?, posted by barna on March 31, 2006, at 2:54:40
Hi barna,
I do my best to convince my T that I am not worthy of anybody caring about me. She tells me she does no matter what terrible things I say about myself to try to change her thinking.
Poet
Posted by Racer on April 1, 2006, at 15:03:49
In reply to Re: Do Ts care about their clients? » barna, posted by Poet on April 1, 2006, at 14:20:33
Posted by barna on April 1, 2006, at 16:43:34
In reply to Do Ts care about their clients?, posted by barna on March 31, 2006, at 2:54:40
Thanks for all your thoughts. Perhaps some day I'll talk to my T about this. I consider she cares about me but I would like to be special to her. In fact, I think somehow all of us are special because we are unique, and the tread we leave to every person we meet is also unique. So this may also apply in this case.
Take care. :)
Posted by Poet on April 1, 2006, at 16:48:21
In reply to You ain't convinced me, neither (nm) » Poet, posted by Racer on April 1, 2006, at 15:03:49
Posted by happyflower on April 2, 2006, at 8:08:12
In reply to Re: Do Ts care about their clients? » barna, posted by Poet on April 1, 2006, at 14:20:33
I know mine cares, but he won't tell me that. But I see it and feel it and that is all that matters I guess.
Posted by dia on April 2, 2006, at 15:36:41
In reply to Re: Do Ts care about their clients?, posted by happyflower on April 2, 2006, at 8:08:12
My T tells me constantly that he cares about me and that he even thinks of me like a daughter. At first I felt really good about what he said but now I'm angry because I'm not going to be able to see him anymore. He doesn't seem to understand why I'm not taking the idea of a change so well. But doesn't it make sense for me to feel angry after he's said all this to me?
Posted by LadyBug on April 2, 2006, at 16:52:13
In reply to Re: Do Ts care about their clients?, posted by dia on April 2, 2006, at 15:36:41
I know my T cares about me. We have developed such a strong connection the past few months. (Even stronger than before is hard to imagine!) We've worked hard, very hard, to get here. This past week she told me she was leaving to go out of town, it always triggers my abandonment issues that I have and I can hardly deal with the pain. Back and forth we went with voice mail. I saw her the night she was leaving and I was ok with her leaving. She always calls me from the airport and leaves me a voice mail to listen to while she's gone. This time not only did she leave me a voice mail, but she sent me a text message too!!! I was so excited. She said, "I hope you got my text message, it's the very first one I've ever sent, I think I know how to do it." Was that cute or what??? I thought so, it still warms my heart.
LadyBug
Posted by susan47 on April 2, 2006, at 16:59:24
In reply to Re: Do Ts care about their clients?, posted by LadyBug on April 2, 2006, at 16:52:13
Sorry guys, I know it's my own fault he didn't care, but this is how this makes me feel right now, DON'T STOP POSTING I JUST WON'T READ THEM IF I CONTINUE TO FEEL THIS WAY .. this is an important subject, but on my own behalf, I need to say aaaaggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:( ... and I know it's my own fault :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:((:(:(:(:(:((
Posted by cecilia on April 3, 2006, at 3:27:31
In reply to Do Ts care about their clients?, posted by barna on March 31, 2006, at 2:54:40
My experience-T's care about their clients,or pretend to, as long as their clients get better, or pretend to. It's a (very expensive) game. Yes, I'm bitter. Cecilia
Posted by Veracity on April 3, 2006, at 16:56:05
In reply to Re: Do Ts care about their clients?, posted by LadyBug on April 2, 2006, at 16:52:13
Wow, LadyBug, that's such a mature and healthy way to depend on your therapist! She seems really cool (and yeah, the text message comment was really cute!).
I was always afraid that if I let myself tell my therapist how much I needed her, she'd have to construct all these major boundaries to keep me away from her. I never even considered that she might be like your therapist and work with me to deal with my feelings. I think she probably would have, but I never gave her the chance! Gah.
I have a really hard time accepting that people care about me, and so when my therapist did tell me directly that she cared about me, I always dismissed it. I wish I hadn't done that. I wish I could have let myself enjoy it and believe it. I do think she was sincere when she said it. I haven't a clue WHY she cared about me - I certainly made things as difficult as possible! But maybe I could have asked and found out instead of just silently thinking to myself, "No you don't."
Do any therapists read this board (besides Dr. Bob)? Could they say whether or not they care about their clients?
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on April 3, 2006, at 18:51:01
In reply to Re: Do Ts care about their clients? » LadyBug, posted by Veracity on April 3, 2006, at 16:56:05
>
> Do any therapists read this board (besides Dr. Bob)? Could they say whether or not they care about their clients?I commented above, but I thought I'd add that I am a T (albeit early in my career). I have my MA and sooooooon I will have my PhD. I absolutely care abt my clients. Sometimes they make me mad, sometimes I respond less-than-ideally due to my own stuff, but in the end I care abt each of them as individuals. As far as I can tell, my colleagues feel similarly.
Best,
EE
Posted by orchid on April 3, 2006, at 19:43:37
In reply to Do Ts care about their clients?, posted by barna on March 31, 2006, at 2:54:40
Personally, I have come to understand and accept that what is more important than if they cared about me or not, was, whether they helped me or not. And they sure did help - both of them. They both tried to do a good job, and I don't think I personally meant anything to them, but they definitely did try to help me become better - and I am grateful for that, and these days, I am ok with them not really caring about me as a person also. I have started to accept that it is ok to be a number on the therapist's list. But I have to say that this wisdom came to me after quite a long struggle.
Posted by gardenergirl on April 4, 2006, at 16:02:45
In reply to Re: Do Ts care about their clients?, posted by Emily Elizabeth on April 3, 2006, at 18:51:01
Hope you're clearing all those hoops with more ease. :)
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on April 4, 2006, at 16:06:17
In reply to The million dollar question :-) » barna, posted by orchid on April 3, 2006, at 19:43:37
> I have started to accept that it is ok to be a number on the therapist's list. But I have to say that this wisdom came to me after quite a long struggle.
I'm starting to look at my own feelings about this as I approach termination. I'm finding it difficult to integrate my cognitive understanding of the therapy relationship with my feelings, wishes, and experience in therapy.
I've been holding my hands over my ears and eyes, shouting "La la la la la" for some time now. That makes it hard to do anything, since my hands are busy. :)
It's good to hear of others who've successfully worked through this.
Thanks,
gg
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