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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Daisym on February 3, 2006, at 0:16:02
I'm hurting. I've been hurting. A lot. A lot, a lot. I'm slowly giving up the fantasy of ever having my therapist really rescue me from all the bad parts of my life, past and present. But it is so very painful to give up this hope. I *know* he is my therapist and he is a really good one. I *know* he cares and he will listen as much as I need him to. I *know* he won't terminate me or ask me to switch to someone else. And I know these are really important things.
But it feels really lonely to give up that hope. To know that I can never be rescued. The past is over and done with and the present is mine to mold. He'll help me, I know that. But it feels like that isn't enough right now. Feeling for him and with him all these deep feelings make me achingly aware of what I've missed all these years. I'm sad about that.
Would it hurt this much if I had someone in my *real* life that made me feel special and cared for? I just don't know.
Things are changing and I don't really like it. But I know it needs to. The younger parts of me have gone into hiding. They just can't bear the hurt of another emotional disappointment. So I'm really empty and alone. I'm trying to help myself, to find something more mature to do to get through the hurt than just cling to my therapist and wish for things I can't have.
But it is really hard. Because I'm hurting. A lot. A lot, a lot, a lot, alot. :(
I don't really have a question. I just need someone to pass the tissues.
Posted by zenhussy on February 3, 2006, at 1:08:31
In reply to Hurting, posted by Daisym on February 3, 2006, at 0:16:02
Posted by Racer on February 3, 2006, at 2:09:57
In reply to Hurting, posted by Daisym on February 3, 2006, at 0:16:02
I've thought about that subject a fair amount, myself. I think that, no matter what your T is like, you can never see them realistically. You only see one side of them, and that makes it easy to forget that in real life they may belch at the table, or eat crackers in bed, or generally have trouble with large parts of their own lives. Maybe if we could see them as being a bit more rounded -- in the Forster sense -- it would be easier for us to get past that part of wanting them to rescue us.
Now, I've never seen a male T, and I don't think I ever could, so I don't know if it's different for that reason. What I do know is that I want my T to rescue me. In fact, I told her once that I wanted to ask her to rescue me -- Dr CattleProd had said something that upset me a lot, and I told her I wanted her to call him and tell him he was wrong. It became a bit of a topic, though a shortlived one with no sort of final resolution. Another time, though, she offered with the new pdoc. Said she'd call before my next appointment with her, and see if she could straighten out the problems I was having with her. (If that doesn't work, I'm just gonna ask my ob/gyn to prescribe the Wellbutrin and give up on pdocs and actual remission.) So, mine at least was willing to step in and rescue me in a situation in which she thought it appropriate. But I knew she wouldn't do it just to satisfy my childish desire to contradict Dr CattleProd.
I don't know. I'm babbling, because I'm tired and my eyes hurt. I'm sorry you're hurting, Daisy. Maybe you'd like to share the quilt? I can even offer a cat for your lap, if you'd like.
Posted by happyflower on February 3, 2006, at 2:11:46
In reply to Hurting, posted by Daisym on February 3, 2006, at 0:16:02
> I'm hurting. I've been hurting. A lot. A lot, a lot. I'm slowly giving up the fantasy of ever having my therapist really rescue me from all the bad parts of my life, past and present.
(((((((Daisy)))))) I know this feeling all to well, it does hurt, a lot, it makes me want to cry too just reading your post. Pass me some kleenex too.
>
But it feels like that isn't enough right now. Feeling for him and with him all these deep feelings make me achingly aware of what I've missed all these years. I'm sad about that.I am in the same place now. And you and falls were right, that after I told my T how I felt, the relationship has deepened, on both our ends. So this is even more scarey for me. Maybe I have never been in love before, really, I thought I was, but maybe I was just stupid.
> Would it hurt this much if I had someone in my *real* life that made me feel special and cared for? I just don't know.More hugs (((((((happyflower(daisy)happyflower)))
^^^^^^^ tissues^^^^^^^^^
another box of tissues and more hugs to you.>
Posted by antigua on February 3, 2006, at 8:24:48
In reply to Hurting, posted by Daisym on February 3, 2006, at 0:16:02
I am sorry you are hurting so bad, Daisy. Giving up the fantasy is hard, and yes, I have to say that if you have someone in real life to help rescue you than it does help.
The feelings hurt so bad, I know. Mourning is good, too, and your little girls will come back when you feel stronger.
You know that I don't have these feelings for my T, and I don't know if I ever did it has been so long, but I do have them for inappropriate men. I long for the approval and love I never got, but it's o.k. for me now. I try to give the love to myself. The teddy bear my daughter gave me for Christmas actually helps a lot. The other thing I have is, and this will sound wacky, but I have my tulips. I'm watching them pop up know (silly things, with all this warm weather they think it might be spring!). And when they all bloom (hundreds of them, and yes I went a bit overboard), I think of me and how I'm blooming too. They just make me feel good, and they're mine and nobody can take them away from me.
Just hang in there. I will admit that I know my husband will save me if I really need to be saved, and he has on several ocassions when I've let him. Not that the relationship is perfect, but he is my rock, even though at times I wonder if we will truly make it. I've changed so much and he hasn't.
I hope you have a beautiful day to enjoy. That helps me too. And just keep breathing, it will pass.
love,
antigua
Posted by B2chica on February 3, 2006, at 9:03:54
In reply to Re: Hurting » Daisym, posted by antigua on February 3, 2006, at 8:24:48
antigua, that's so weird that you mention your tulips. last night i had a dream of tons of green intertwining vines that had tiny unfolded blossoms, one by one they began to open.
i think this is a sign of improvement, of moving to the next stage.((((sorry you are hurting daisy.)))))
> I am sorry you are hurting so bad, Daisy. Giving up the fantasy is hard, and yes, I have to say that if you have someone in real life to help rescue you than it does help.
>
> The feelings hurt so bad, I know. Mourning is good, too, and your little girls will come back when you feel stronger.
>
> You know that I don't have these feelings for my T, and I don't know if I ever did it has been so long, but I do have them for inappropriate men. I long for the approval and love I never got, but it's o.k. for me now. I try to give the love to myself. The teddy bear my daughter gave me for Christmas actually helps a lot. The other thing I have is, and this will sound wacky, but I have my tulips. I'm watching them pop up know (silly things, with all this warm weather they think it might be spring!). And when they all bloom (hundreds of them, and yes I went a bit overboard), I think of me and how I'm blooming too. They just make me feel good, and they're mine and nobody can take them away from me.
>
> Just hang in there. I will admit that I know my husband will save me if I really need to be saved, and he has on several ocassions when I've let him. Not that the relationship is perfect, but he is my rock, even though at times I wonder if we will truly make it. I've changed so much and he hasn't.
>
> I hope you have a beautiful day to enjoy. That helps me too. And just keep breathing, it will pass.
> love,
> antigua
Posted by Dinah on February 3, 2006, at 9:55:20
In reply to Hurting, posted by Daisym on February 3, 2006, at 0:16:02
Posted by muffled on February 3, 2006, at 13:21:45
In reply to Hurting, posted by Daisym on February 3, 2006, at 0:16:02
Posted by fairywings on February 3, 2006, at 19:02:35
In reply to Hurting, posted by Daisym on February 3, 2006, at 0:16:02
Hi daisy, I have that need too...to be rescued. I don't know if it's the same for you, but at those times I want someone to hold me, take care of me, and love me, and for me to know that I'm the most precious thing in the world, and that I don't have to be strong if I want to feel sad and vulnerable. (I've never felt those things, so I guess I've never been rescued.) I guess part of growing means giving up that fantasy, getting past the crying inside, needing to be held and comforted, and told everything's going to be okay.
It's good that you've been able to express all of those feelings to your T, and he's been able to help you, and let you take your time working through it. It's good that you know he'll be there for you, and won't ever let you down.
I don't know how it would be for you if you had someone in your life who made you feel made you feel special. My husband makes me feel cared for (not special, but cared for), but he's never rescued me, or made me feel rescued. I don't know what it would take to feel finally past needing to be rescued, maybe feeling grown up inside, maybe taking care of the parts that hurt so badly. But if you let the parts that hurt hide, won't they just hurt more, and huddle up and cry and you can feel all of that? Do they just want to come out and just "be" with you, and feel what they feel?
Does finding more mature things to do make you feel better and stronger, or could it just be trying to avoid the hurt you feel?
Sorry you're hurting so badly right now. I hope it feels better really soon, and you find what it takes to feel rescued, or not need to feel that way anymore.
fw
Posted by Racer on February 3, 2006, at 20:02:37
In reply to Re: Hurting » Daisym, posted by fairywings on February 3, 2006, at 19:02:35
This was on my mind today, and it clicked when I read FW's post. Here's the relevant passage:
>> "I don't know if it's the same for you, but at those times I want someone to hold me, take care of me, and love me, and for me to know that I'm the most precious thing in the world, and that I don't have to be strong if I want to feel sad and vulnerable. I guess part of growing means giving up that fantasy, getting past the crying inside, needing to be held and comforted, and told everything's going to be okay."
Maybe it's not about getting past the need to cry, be held, and comforted. Maybe what happens is that we are able to provide enough of it ourselves, that we can be more effective at getting this part of it from someone else?
As for being rescued, that I think is always going to be a problem. My ex-bf was good at "rescuing" -- which means that he was a control freak, because the rescuer gets to choose the method of rescue, so it's very unlikely to be anything like what you are hoping for. I've found that what I really want at this point is for someone to hold my hand so that I can rescue myself. I do want someone to support me through it, and I want someone to soothe me as I do it, but I don't want someone else to do it for me. (Partly because of my own control issues, I admit, because I want it done MY WAY.)
Now for what started me on this today, inspired by last night's therapy group. The fact that many of us felt as though we had to be perfect in order to avoid being rejected was on the table. Today, I was wanting to curl up in someone's lap and be petted, and I realized -- my role is to Take Care Of. Even the negative things that went on in my teens, they were part of taking care of my mother, because she needed me to be "bad" in order to get the sympathy and support she needed, while also hiding her part of the problems. (If I had been an angel child who wasn't "bad"? I'd probably have landed in foster care.) But these days, it's still all about taking care of someone else, mostly my husband and my mother. (Some things never change, right?) Anyway, what I really want is someone to take care of me for a change. It doesn't even have to be anything big. Maybe having someone make Theraflu for me when I'm sick, without requiring me to get up and show him how? Or having that same someone cook breakfast when I'm sick, rather than requiring me to do it? And certainly being held, etc.
I don't ever ask for that, and don't really know why. I know that I suck back inside myself, that I don't communicate anxiety. This week, I had some tests done that made me very nervous, very anxious. On the way into the first one, my husband asked if I was at all nervous about it? I nearly dropped in my tracks, because I was so nervous, so upset, and had been since the test was first scheduled. (My husband had to go with me to have the tests done, because I wasn't sure I'd be able to drive after. THAT sort of testing.) And then I realized that I didn't express it, and said to myself that it was because I wouldn't get it anyway. It was only later that I realized that I don't know whether or not I'd get any comforting, because I NEVER express that stuff, NEVER ask for it in those situations. I know I need to learn how to express vulnerability. Don't know how, of course. But maybe some of that is true for that whole "rescue" thing? Maybe, if we could express our vulnerability and our needs, someone would hold us, comfort us? (Not a T, of course. We can do the expressing there, but we're not gonna get the rescue.)
Does any of that sound right to anyone here? I think I'll be bringing it up wiht my T next session, if I remember, because it seemed like a good topic. Especially since, as I sit here thinking about wanting to be held and comforted, I can just FEEL from childhood the deep fear of that need. Guess I learned that one early, huh?
Posted by crushedout on February 4, 2006, at 0:15:35
In reply to Hurting, posted by Daisym on February 3, 2006, at 0:16:02
i think i know how you feel, daisy. i'm with you.
Posted by LittleGirlLost on February 4, 2006, at 1:36:00
In reply to Hurting, posted by Daisym on February 3, 2006, at 0:16:02
((((Daisy)))) I hear/feel your pain. Look at the progress you are making though! Growth hurts and you sure are growing. It's bittersweet I'm sure, but watching you go through this journey is inspiring to me, and in the end I know you will be a big beautiful daisy. Or should I say an even more beautiful daisy? :)
g'night,
lgl
Posted by annierose on February 4, 2006, at 7:31:52
In reply to Hurting, posted by Daisym on February 3, 2006, at 0:16:02
How are you doing today?
It worries me that you feel the younger parts of you must hide. I believe that once you talk more about the disappointment of not having the relationship you really want, and all the feelings that play into that hurt, the aching pain you describe (and I do know that feeling) will lessen. For me, there seems to be an ebb and flow --- one step forward, two steps back. As if my brain can only handle so much at one time.
I'll be holding you in my thoughts. Let me know how I can help you, if I can do anything for you.
This is the end of the thread.
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