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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on November 30, 2005, at 19:48:28
In his first marriage of 9 years, his wife used therapy to leave my now husband. She said she needed to "find" herself, but what she actually wanted to do is date other guys.
My T says this is common actually. It kinda like saying yeah, we have tried all we can, so we are now getting a divorse. I guess a lot of people use couple therapy , to leave their sposes. My T understands why my DH doesn't want to go through that again.
But what else can we do? My DH is a classic avoider of issues. He is avoiding me now, the jerk. I don't know how I am going to get him to therapy when he had a bad experience. This doesn't look good for our marriage.
Posted by muffled on November 30, 2005, at 20:24:52
In reply to Why my DH won't do couple therapy, posted by happyflower on November 30, 2005, at 19:48:28
show him this post?
Its almost Thursday.......
:)?
Posted by fallsfall on November 30, 2005, at 20:28:23
In reply to Why my DH won't do couple therapy, posted by happyflower on November 30, 2005, at 19:48:28
Tell him that you are afraid that if you DON"T do therapy that you will end up divorcing - because you won't know what else to do?
Posted by Tamar on November 30, 2005, at 20:38:13
In reply to Why my DH won't do couple therapy, posted by happyflower on November 30, 2005, at 19:48:28
> In his first marriage of 9 years, his wife used therapy to leave my now husband. She said she needed to "find" herself, but what she actually wanted to do is date other guys.
It’s true that therapy is no guarantee that a couple will work things out… but if both people are willing to be honest with each other and take the risk of continuing the relationship, it can work.
> My T says this is common actually. It kinda like saying yeah, we have tried all we can, so we are now getting a divorse. I guess a lot of people use couple therapy , to leave their sposes. My T understands why my DH doesn't want to go through that again.
I guess in your husband’s previous experience it didn’t work. And yet… does your husband really think *you* want to date other guys? Does he really think you might be using couples therapy as an excuse to leave him? If you wanted to leave him, you could leave him with or without couples therapy. And by the way, it seems to me that *you* are not the problem here…
> But what else can we do? My DH is a classic avoider of issues. He is avoiding me now, the jerk. I don't know how I am going to get him to therapy when he had a bad experience. This doesn't look good for our marriage.
Does he have an answer to that? It seems to me that
(a) you believe there are serious problems in your marriage – and with good reason.
(b) if the marriage is to continue those problems need to be addressed.
(c) the problems can’t be addressed without your husband’s co-operation.So if he won’t do to couples therapy, he really should come up with an alternative idea. And you’d be within your rights to question how much he values your marriage if he won’t take your concerns seriously.
I hope he starts seeing sense…
Tamar
Posted by sleepygirl on December 1, 2005, at 0:14:54
In reply to Why my DH won't do couple therapy, posted by happyflower on November 30, 2005, at 19:48:28
ouch...this is very sad
I have been quite aware lately that if I were "healthier" it's quite likely that I would not be with my dear one. I love him so, but he is very limited, and I am often lonely. ..rock and a hard place....how much does one choose for themselves?...what is not negotiable..what's enough to say goodbye for..it's not a war, but famine is pretty crappy too -sorry for the wandering internal questioning- it's a few of the questions that like to bounce around my head
What do you think your motivation is?..I mean about couples' therapy?
Posted by orchid on December 1, 2005, at 8:00:02
In reply to Why my DH won't do couple therapy, posted by happyflower on November 30, 2005, at 19:48:28
Do you both go to church? Do they have some counselling there?
I can understand the part about using therapy to get a divorce. Some people jsut want to put the blame on the T and get a divorce and they just go to therapy even if before they make up their mind to divorce.
But talking openly to your husband will help I think. Maybe tell him you really want to make this work, and that is why you are trying to get every help you can get.
Posted by Racer on December 1, 2005, at 13:02:04
In reply to Re: Why my DH won't do couple therapy » happyflower, posted by orchid on December 1, 2005, at 8:00:02
After ages of telling my husband we needed marriage counseling (MC), and being told that we didn't, I was at my wit's end.
I finally hit the right nerve: even if it was mostly MY problem, I still needed help in talking to him about it. That took nearly forever, and then some things happened externally that sent me way down the rabbit hole. In looking for a place for me to get counseling, we ended up finding a place for MC and he agreed to go.
I think the parts that helped were: telling him it was my problem talking to him; telling him I was afraid of losing him, and wanted the MC so that I wouldn't; and especially telling him that we could go two or three times, and if it was terrible, we could stop. I think I said "at least three times," but don't remember. The big one, though, was that I told him how much I didn't want to lose him, which I think helped a lot.
I don't know if any of that will help, but it's there if it will.
This is the end of the thread.
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