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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by shrinking violet on August 19, 2005, at 15:01:15
Hi everyone,
I'm sorry I haven't been around lately to offer support here. I think reading posts about other T's is still so hard, given that I'm still rather raw from ending with my former T.Speaking of which....
I've been doing somewhat better lately. I think living with other people and eating somewhat better has helped. I've also moved past that "stuck" and defensive place I had been in for so long, and I think now I'm more ready to be open and accepting of change in myself. Unfortunately, though, I lost the "team" I had at the University (my nutritionist, T, psych) since I had planned to graduate this summer. However, I put off graduation until December to persue inpatient treatment for an eating disorder. It didn't quite work out though, as the place I had hoped to be admitted to is quite slow in their processing and classes start in two weeks, so that option isn't a viable one. I'm not quite sure I even need it now, anyway.
So, I figured I should try to set up some support options on my own. I seemed to have burned too many bridges though. I emailed my nutritionist last week and told her of my recent achievement of going out to lunch with a friend (haven't done that in years, literally), and I asked if she would consider seeing me in the Fall to help with meals, etc. I haven't heard back from her, which means she hasn't read it yet (unlikely) or she is trying to find a way to say no (probable). I also emailed my former T.....as some of you may remember, my relatinship with her was rather complicated, and I felt our ending was messy and unfinished due to so many things we've never discussed regarding our relationship, etc. I emailed her with the hopes of seeing her again for short-term work, mostly for tying up these lose ends with her so that I could put my time with her to a peaceful rest but I also have some issues I'd like to discuss. I thought, also, in the meantime, I could seek out another T for long-term work for after I graduate, and transition to this new T while tying up ends with my former one.
Now, I expected her to say no. I prepared myself for it even before I decided to ask. But actually hearing it was hard. She emailed me today, a short note. She tried to sound nice, but essentially she was saying she didn't want to work with me anymore. Which of course makes the questions I had to begin with more pressing: did she ever really care? Was it all an act? How can she say I'm special and that she valued her time with me when she is essentially saying the opposite in her response? Okay, so maybe it's due to her issues, maybe she realizes (as I suspect) that she was too emotionally involved with me, etc, but why couldn't she have just said that? So I would have known it wasn't me? But then I come back to that it must be me. Why do I always burn bridges, rather than build them?
In a way, I can see why she said no. Our ending and time together was turbulent, and maybe she felt since we'd have to end again in a few months anyway, why go through that again? But I needed to do it for me, to have the time with her I should have, to feel better about my time with her, and to have a better ending. Why does she get to make decisions about things that directly affect me and my peace of mind?
So now I'll have to resort to plan B, which was to write her a long letter and get out everything I need to tell her, and hopefully provide some healing in regards to my situation with her. Of course, I'll never have the dialogue with her I needed, and I'll never get the answers or resolve I need, either. It's hard having a one-way discussion, although I guess that's how she felt during the time she was working with me as I was unable then to discuss much of anything.
I just feel pretty low and worthless and unloveable and alienated right now.
What's wrong with me???
:-(
Posted by alexandra_k on August 19, 2005, at 20:52:07
In reply to asked for a second chance.....she said no, posted by shrinking violet on August 19, 2005, at 15:01:15
((((sv)))))
I'm sorry :-(
I don't know what to say...
But I'm sorryI think you are wonderful
And sometimes clinicians are incomprehensible
busy... or something... i don't know
but i know how hard it can be to not take it personally
Posted by rubenstein on August 20, 2005, at 10:11:04
In reply to asked for a second chance.....she said no, posted by shrinking violet on August 19, 2005, at 15:01:15
I am so sorry. I am in college too and the whole ending thing is really hard. I am sorry your T said no but I am so glad you asked that was so brave of you. I think you are right about writing the letter too, I think it will help you close some wounds that have obviously been bothering you since you left. I do so hope you get the treatment that you deserve, from your post I can tell that you have alot of courage. I so admire that in you. Please take care of yourself, I'll be thinking of you.
rachel
Posted by shrinking violet on August 20, 2005, at 13:56:10
In reply to Re: asked for a second chance.....she said no, posted by rubenstein on August 20, 2005, at 10:11:04
I'm going to post the link here as I wrote the original post in the Writing forum, in the event it would have been moved there anyway. Any input, etc, would be appreciated:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20050807/msgs/544387.html
Posted by shrinking violet on August 20, 2005, at 14:00:25
In reply to Re: asked for a second chance.....she said no » shrinking violet, posted by alexandra_k on August 19, 2005, at 20:52:07
Thank you both for your kind words.....Those in itself were plenty and helpful at this time, thank you.
Posted by shrinking violet on August 20, 2005, at 14:07:34
In reply to asked for a second chance.....she said no, posted by shrinking violet on August 19, 2005, at 15:01:15
(*speaks a bit of coping behaviors.....please be careful if triggered*)
I'm not sure what else to say, but ....I'm having a horrid time with this. I prepared myself for it, I expected it, but I suppose this is all bothering me more than I had hoped. I did manage to leave a message for a new T.....one that my former T recommended......however she is out of the office for another week, but hopefully I will hear back from her. I need to work this out with someone, to find out whether I'm overreacting, or whether I have a right to feel hurt and betrayed. It's so hard, though, because the one person who could have fixed this for me, won't. I never thought she'd hurt me, I never thought she'd hurt me like this....I didn't think she was capable. I trusted her. She seemed so genuine, and yet.....Gosh, what a fool I've been.
I SI for the first time last night, for the first time in a while. I did it mainly b/c the pain was so great I needed to do something else, but maybe a part of me did it to get back at my T, b/c I know that this behavior used to upset her, even though now she'll never know I even did it, let alone her being the cause. I've thought of killing myself too, just to make her feel the way I do now, b/c she'll know she was the reason, but she'll never be able to talk to me and find out why and get some closure for herself. That's selfish and stupid, though, I know that....I just want her to feel what I'm feeling. If she knew what this felt like, I don't think she'd want this for me. Or maybe she would....Sometimes I feel like she's punishing me for being such a nightmare.
I just wanted to fix it.
I just needed to have a good few months with her to make up for the rest of it.
I needed a better ending.
I needed to talk about our relationship and figure out what it really meant, if anything.
Is that too much to ask?
I guess so.
Ironic, how a few meetings with her would have cleared up so much for me, would have let me put this to rest and helped me to think of her fondly and take away the regret. Instead, I have a lot of pain and regret and hurt ahead of me.
How do I cope with that? How does anyone?
Posted by alexandra_k on August 20, 2005, at 15:48:14
In reply to ....too much ...... (possible *trigger*), posted by shrinking violet on August 20, 2005, at 14:07:34
> I prepared myself for it, I expected it, but I suppose this is all bothering me more than I had hoped.
Yeah. Sometimes reason doesn't seem to have all that much effect on emotion :-(
>I did manage to leave a message for a new T.....one that my former T recommended......however she is out of the office for another week, but hopefully I will hear back from her.
Yeah. I hope that comes through for you. I really really hope.
>I need to work this out with someone, to find out whether I'm overreacting, or whether I have a right to feel hurt and betrayed.
I think... Emotions just are. You feel hurt and betrayed. Facts. They might pass, but the fact that you feel hurt and betrayed at this point in time won't change.
>It's so hard, though, because the one person who could have fixed this for me, won't. I never thought she'd hurt me, I never thought she'd hurt me like this....I didn't think she was capable. I trusted her. She seemed so genuine, and yet.....Gosh, what a fool I've been.
:-(
Its hard...
Its so hard not to take it personally.
:-(
> I SI for the first time last night, for the first time in a while. I did it mainly b/c the pain was so great I needed to do something else, but maybe a part of me did it to get back at my T, b/c I know that this behavior used to upset her, even though now she'll never know I even did it, let alone her being the cause. I've thought of killing myself too, just to make her feel the way I do now, b/c she'll know she was the reason, but she'll never be able to talk to me and find out why and get some closure for herself.:-(
I've been there before too.
And... The most painful thing in the world was to find that the clinician didn't even care. In fact... Somehow or other... They thought it justified the termination. And nobody would work with me after that.It was a bit about that... But mostly it was about the pain. I hear you.
>That's selfish and stupid, though, I know that....
I don't think its selfish and stupid.
If you beat yourself up over it then you are only going to feel worse
(And have the urge to do it again to make the bad feelings stop)
I don't think its selfish and stupid.
Just... counter-productive.>I just want her to feel what I'm feeling. If she knew what this felt like, I don't think she'd want this for me. Or maybe she would....Sometimes I feel like she's punishing me for being such a nightmare.
I hear you.
I don't think she meant to hurt you so much.
It is hard...
Trying to make sense of terminations.
I think that they decide on relatively objective grounds.
There are so many people in need...
And then there are resource / time constraints
And they have to make the decision relatively objectively because they are acountable to other people to justify their decision.
But I don't really know...
I'm just trying to figure out something
Where termination isn't personal.
Where they don't intend for us to feel so horrible
Where they really don't intend for that to happen
But it is hard...
Hard to see how they couldn't forsee it
Hard to see how they can justify it.I don't know.
I'm sorry.
> I needed a better ending.I think...
Its about retelling the story until you come to a version that is a better ending.I don't know that she could have helped with that.
In my experience... Trying to get them to provide a better ending only leads to a whole heap of begging and pleading and ultimately a worse ending as I hate them for degrading myself
:-(
This is the end of the thread.
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