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asked for a second chance.....she said no

Posted by shrinking violet on August 19, 2005, at 15:01:15

Hi everyone,
I'm sorry I haven't been around lately to offer support here. I think reading posts about other T's is still so hard, given that I'm still rather raw from ending with my former T.

Speaking of which....

I've been doing somewhat better lately. I think living with other people and eating somewhat better has helped. I've also moved past that "stuck" and defensive place I had been in for so long, and I think now I'm more ready to be open and accepting of change in myself. Unfortunately, though, I lost the "team" I had at the University (my nutritionist, T, psych) since I had planned to graduate this summer. However, I put off graduation until December to persue inpatient treatment for an eating disorder. It didn't quite work out though, as the place I had hoped to be admitted to is quite slow in their processing and classes start in two weeks, so that option isn't a viable one. I'm not quite sure I even need it now, anyway.

So, I figured I should try to set up some support options on my own. I seemed to have burned too many bridges though. I emailed my nutritionist last week and told her of my recent achievement of going out to lunch with a friend (haven't done that in years, literally), and I asked if she would consider seeing me in the Fall to help with meals, etc. I haven't heard back from her, which means she hasn't read it yet (unlikely) or she is trying to find a way to say no (probable). I also emailed my former T.....as some of you may remember, my relatinship with her was rather complicated, and I felt our ending was messy and unfinished due to so many things we've never discussed regarding our relationship, etc. I emailed her with the hopes of seeing her again for short-term work, mostly for tying up these lose ends with her so that I could put my time with her to a peaceful rest but I also have some issues I'd like to discuss. I thought, also, in the meantime, I could seek out another T for long-term work for after I graduate, and transition to this new T while tying up ends with my former one.

Now, I expected her to say no. I prepared myself for it even before I decided to ask. But actually hearing it was hard. She emailed me today, a short note. She tried to sound nice, but essentially she was saying she didn't want to work with me anymore. Which of course makes the questions I had to begin with more pressing: did she ever really care? Was it all an act? How can she say I'm special and that she valued her time with me when she is essentially saying the opposite in her response? Okay, so maybe it's due to her issues, maybe she realizes (as I suspect) that she was too emotionally involved with me, etc, but why couldn't she have just said that? So I would have known it wasn't me? But then I come back to that it must be me. Why do I always burn bridges, rather than build them?

In a way, I can see why she said no. Our ending and time together was turbulent, and maybe she felt since we'd have to end again in a few months anyway, why go through that again? But I needed to do it for me, to have the time with her I should have, to feel better about my time with her, and to have a better ending. Why does she get to make decisions about things that directly affect me and my peace of mind?

So now I'll have to resort to plan B, which was to write her a long letter and get out everything I need to tell her, and hopefully provide some healing in regards to my situation with her. Of course, I'll never have the dialogue with her I needed, and I'll never get the answers or resolve I need, either. It's hard having a one-way discussion, although I guess that's how she felt during the time she was working with me as I was unable then to discuss much of anything.

I just feel pretty low and worthless and unloveable and alienated right now.

What's wrong with me???

:-(


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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:shrinking violet thread:543906
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050813/msgs/543906.html