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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rabidreader on August 12, 2005, at 15:24:31
My last session with my therapist, who I admitted having feelings for, went terrible. I planned everything down to the last detail to make sure we'd have a great ending, too. I bought a new shirt and earrings, so he'd remember me as attractive. I bought him a thoughtful gift and wrote out a heartfelt card. I cried a lot beforehand, so we could talk and not have me bawling the entire session.
The first bli[ on the radar occured when he said he could not accept my gift due to a policy they have at the agency. I took it in stride, although I was sad about it, as I'd taken a lot of care in choosing it. But the worst part came at the end.
Last week, our second-to-last session, he said he'd let me write letters to him where he's going (out-of-state, to work on his doctorate). So fo course, at our last session, I asked for his address. Then the blow came: he said he'd CHANGED HIS MIND and would not let me write to him!
He said he'd thought about it and talked to some other people about it and that it would be better to make a "clean break." He said he'd be really busy...that he wouldn't have the opportunity to write back...and that he thought I wanted to use endings to not think of people in black and white terms (that is, throw out everything they say or obsess about them).
Well, I lost it. I told him that it was a sh*tty thing he was doing; that he was unprofessional to say one thing and then go back on it; that he should have prepared me better for it than to just spring it on me like that; and that wherever he was going to school, I hoped they would teach him not to do this to someone ever again.
The next day I did apologize but I am still seething with anger and if he hadn't been going away forever, I would never have apologized. I think he did a terrible thing and betrayed me.
Does anyone have any comments that could help? I am really sad, troubled, confused, and angry.
Posted by rabidreader on August 12, 2005, at 15:28:23
I am so angry and sad, I just want to leave therapy altogether. Therapists just leave, anyway; and none of them seem to be any good at terminating with clients that have intense feelings for them. It's not like good-bye in a normal relationship where you can wish someone well. It really, really hurts in a way that I can't describe, but is different than regular relationships.
I am so disillusioned with the whole d*** process.
Posted by orchid on August 12, 2005, at 15:29:00
In reply to Terrible termination *trigger*, posted by rabidreader on August 12, 2005, at 15:24:31
Of course you are right to be angry, mad, confused and sad. There are no words to describe the pain the clients feel. And it is especially bad thing your T did, because he knew well in advance he is going to terminate you, and didn't let you know.
As I said before, I do think your therapist is not that great. In fact, he is quite awful in the way he terminated you.Did he atleast apologize to you?
Posted by orchid on August 12, 2005, at 15:40:25
In reply to Follow-up to terrible termination, posted by rabidreader on August 12, 2005, at 15:28:23
He is being really really BAD.
And you should let him know that. You don't need to apologize. He should have had the interest and professionalism to have let you know he was going to terminate you well in advance, prepared you for it, helped you move on.
He didn't do any of that, and he is blaming it on YOU? If he can't understand this basic things about therapy, why even study further? He is going to be lousy in the future also.
Posted by Tamar on August 12, 2005, at 20:26:39
In reply to Terrible termination *trigger*, posted by rabidreader on August 12, 2005, at 15:24:31
I’m so sorry your last session with your therapist was so painful. I can totally relate to the new shirt and earrings. And I think it was really sweet that you bought him a gift and wrote him a card.
From what you say, his reactions were unhelpful, to say the least. It’s true that many therapists won’t accept gifts as a matter of policy. However, he should have explained the reasons for the policy.
I’m very sorry he changed his mind about letting you write to him. That seems unfair, especially as he had agreed to it previously. I think he should have allowed you to write but warned you that he might not reply very often, or that he might not reply at all.
It sounds as if he hasn’t handled your termination as well as he could have. He didn’t give you much notice (he probably knew some time before he told you that there was a possibility of his leaving). And I do think it was somewhat unprofessional to tell you in your final session that he’d changed his mind about letting you write to him.
You probably don’t want to think about this right now, but I expect that the best way to deal with all this would probably to go into therapy with someone new. Did your therapist give you a referral? If the reason for termination was his move out of state, then perhaps you have things you still want to work on. I’m sorry that your termination is likely to become a new issue for therapy.
I hope a bit of happiness comes your way very soon.
Tamar
Posted by rabidreader on August 13, 2005, at 12:05:26
In reply to Terrible termination *trigger*, posted by rabidreader on August 12, 2005, at 15:24:31
To be fair, he gave me a month's notice on the termination. It was just that the second-to-last time we met, he said he'd let me write him. This calmed me down so much, just knowing I could at least send things to him and that he would read them. Then, ten minutes before the end of our last session, when I asked for his address, he sprung it on me that he wasn't going to let me. I thought he was unprofessional for letting it happen at the end of the session like that. I was completely dumbfounded. It still hurts so bad.
Yesterday was his last day at the agency. I feel such a gaping hole in my life already. The new therapist is okay, but it isn't the same. I miss my T because I love him...and now I will never see him or be able to contact him again.
Posted by Declan on August 13, 2005, at 22:03:58
In reply to Terrible termination *trigger*, posted by rabidreader on August 12, 2005, at 15:24:31
I wonder if really (why?) he had a point about the clean break.
If I were you I would be proud of telling him off and remorseful for apologising.
But how do you save what was good in the situation so that it can stay with you? No good asking me, I wasn't real good at it.
Declan
Posted by rabidreader on August 15, 2005, at 14:47:14
In reply to Re: Terrible termination *trigger*, posted by Declan on August 13, 2005, at 22:03:58
He told me a "clean break" was best because I have this tendency to either obsess about someone when they leave me, or totally hate them (black and white thinking). He threw it in my face that I had told him this, and used it as an excuse to defend his position. When I asked him point blank if his decision had anything to do with the fact that I had feelings for him, he said no. My intuition tells me this is a bald-faced lie.
If I had been the therapist in this situation, I would have called an extra session before the last session to discuss my new decision about not writing. It still would have hurt like hell, but we would have had an hour to discuss it, and I would have had a week to process it and then had (hopefully) a good ending session. Or I could have walked out and never seen him again. But at least I would have had the power. To spring things on me at the very last, ending minute was totally wrong.
He was totally defensive the whole time and threw things in my face that I would never expect a therapist to do. It was just a bunch of excuses. It is not uncommon, from my experience, to let a client write to them.
Thank you for responding to my post, everyone. It is really helping to have support. Even though I am rightfully angry, I am still devastated and in pain.
Posted by orchid on August 15, 2005, at 16:37:07
In reply to Re: Terrible termination *trigger*, posted by rabidreader on August 15, 2005, at 14:47:14
It is going to take a while to work out through this pain.
But be patient. IT will work out.
I feel nowadays a LOT better, and my ex-ex-T s memory now have become almost like a distant past.
I am sure with enough patience, and support here, and working through your real issues, you will be able to one day move on, and will know what you really wanted from him and will find out a way to supply it to yourself or get it from some one else.
And besides, from what you have said, your therapist is not that great a person - to spring a termination on you just 2 sessions prior. My ex T lets me know 2 months in advacne even for a week vacation. And to spring a termination on you like that, is highly irresponsible on your ex T's part.
Posted by rabidreader on August 16, 2005, at 12:51:10
In reply to Re: Terrible termination *trigger* » rabidreader, posted by orchid on August 15, 2005, at 16:37:07
Thank you Orchid. Actually he gave me one month's notice for the termination. But it was obviously not enough. It is great that your therapist gives you lots of time before even a vacation. That is a very considerate and professional thing to do.
Posted by orchid on August 16, 2005, at 16:11:49
In reply to Re: Terrible termination *trigger* » orchid, posted by rabidreader on August 16, 2005, at 12:51:10
take Care Rabid.
You will get through it.
It is actually not even a question of how much notice the therapist gives, but more important would be that they prepare you for it. That they talk about it, and ask what it would mean to you, help you how to feel not abandoned and hurt etc. There is a fine line that they need to walk when they are terminating and be careful not to hurt the client further.. It is an art. Not many people are good at it.
Posted by rabidreader on August 17, 2005, at 14:05:18
In reply to Re: Terrible termination *trigger* » rabidreader, posted by orchid on August 16, 2005, at 16:11:49
Apparantly, from what my new therapist disclosed, my old T left a lot of things messy and undone and just sort of walked away. This gave me some comfort, actually. You know, it's not like the crazy mental patient that can't handle her feelings imagines some whole scenario where things go wrong and it's actually her fault.
I am appreciating your support and opinions. It is so helpful to hear from you all, you will never know.
Posted by Declan on August 19, 2005, at 17:09:50
In reply to Re: Terrible termination *trigger*, posted by rabidreader on August 15, 2005, at 14:47:14
When any relationship ends badly there is the question of how do you preserve what had been good.
I don't know how you do that, but some can do it better than others.
Declan
Posted by Declan on August 19, 2005, at 17:16:36
In reply to Re: Terrible termination *trigger* » rabidreader, posted by orchid on August 15, 2005, at 16:37:07
You were informed 2 sessions prior that you were being terminated? Gosh! I would have been given 6 months at least.
Interpreting the transferance and 'holding' the patient???
Geez, you know it's not good enough.
Declan
Posted by rabidreader on August 20, 2005, at 15:25:59
In reply to Re: Terrible termination *trigger* » orchid, posted by Declan on August 19, 2005, at 17:16:36
I think I must have confused people about my first post here: there was one month notice prior to termination. The bad thing was our last two sessions. The second-to-last session was the session where he promised I could write. The last session, he waited until the last minute to say he'd changed his mind, then seemed surprosed when I broke down.
The general consensus at the agency he worked for is that he just sort of up and left and maybe didn't finish everything he was supposed to do. That's how I feel about the situation. He didn't treat me like a flesh-and blood human--especially a woman in love with him--but more like a consumer who needed to be terminated in a tidy way. Instead, here I am a mess and he is gone.
Posted by annierose on August 20, 2005, at 17:38:13
In reply to Re: Terrible termination *trigger* » Declan, posted by rabidreader on August 20, 2005, at 15:25:59
It's terrible how he treated the situation. At least you know it's part of his character, and nothing to do with you. But it doesn't make the pain go away. Trust that in time, and with good help, the pain will ease. It's just the darn tick tock on the clock won't go any faster!!
Thinking of you.
Posted by Declan on August 20, 2005, at 18:36:32
In reply to Re: Terrible termination *trigger* » rabidreader, posted by annierose on August 20, 2005, at 17:38:13
Yeah OK, but anyway when my T went OS for a year she mentioned it at least a year beforehand.
And the integrity of a T is crucial. Abuse of trust.
Declan
Posted by rabidreader on August 22, 2005, at 14:59:42
In reply to Re: Terrible termination *trigger*, posted by Declan on August 20, 2005, at 18:36:32
Wow, a whole year before termination? That is amazing. I'm not sure how long my T knew beforehand that he was leaving--but there I am again, trying to excuse him. Well, I am still in love with him. It's hard to see reality. I guess reality is that it wasn't long enough and now he's gone and there's nothing I can do but try to pick up the pieces. And move on.
You're right, he did abuse my trust. It's interesting--I realize now so many things I didn't like about our therapy but was too scared to say because of my feelings for him. He was really CT-oriented. EVERY therapy session he used the Beck Institute "Evidence for/Evidence Against" sheet to examine core beliefs. Even the day I told him about my feelings for him...he found a core belief and we examined it. Then he wrote it up and sent it to me at my home. I cried to see my human feelings distilled to such scientific data.
Thanks for writing, Declan.
Posted by rabidreader on August 22, 2005, at 15:02:20
In reply to Re: Terrible termination *trigger* » rabidreader, posted by annierose on August 20, 2005, at 17:38:13
Thanks, Annierose. I keep trying to defend him even now on this board with peopole teeling me he didn't do a good job terminating me!! When I was the one who wrote the title of this thread" "TERRIBLE termination!!"
It is very painful, but beginning to take in the reality of the situation--that he did a poor job, and that we can't work it out because he's gone--is helping. And hurting.
Posted by Declan on August 22, 2005, at 15:47:05
In reply to Re: Terrible termination *trigger* » Declan, posted by rabidreader on August 22, 2005, at 14:59:42
Of course you love your T, rabidreader. When someone is loved it is more a reflection on the one loving than the one loved.
I'd be the worst person in the world for CBT. Much too passive aggressive. My question of the day for my T would grow within me, dunno what it would be but I'd wanna serve it up to him. I'd much rather go to church. My whole treatment would consist of me making unhelpful, cynical.....you get the idea. Really, I'd be ropeable.
But my therapist did talk about any change ages in advance. Maybe with psychodynamic therapy they take this more seriously.
Anyway 15 years of therapy was (almost) enough for me.
Declan
Posted by rabidreader on August 23, 2005, at 15:28:20
In reply to Re: Terrible termination *trigger* » rabidreader, posted by Declan on August 22, 2005, at 15:47:05
I've tried lots of therapies for a long time too and I think there is value in CBT but I wouldn't want it to be the whole focus of things. I made this clear to my new T from the same agency. CBT theories originated from the training of animal and animal behaviorists and we are human beings..I think Carl neglected that aspect. Things don't always make a "clean break." Therapy can be a messy business...it's about human emotions!
Maybe pyschodynamic therapy goes on too long...but it feels more "real" to me.
This is the end of the thread.
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