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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by littleone on July 19, 2005, at 21:43:34
This is so hard for me to write. I don't want to reach out. I want to crawl into a hole. My T keeps saying "you need to act *in spite of* your feelings". I wish I could shove those words down his throat.
I guess you could say I haven't been very well lately. All since that stupid Books As Comfort post. My rejection fears are being triggered over and over and over with him.
He won't provide me with comfort - it's not in my best interests - that's not what he's there for.
He won't be my daddy.
He won't be my friend.
He won't be anything but an "advisor".
He won't talk to me between sessions.
And in the middle of all this he went away on holidays too.
And the worst thing is that that's all perfectly reasonable. Except it isn't the reasonable part of me that wants those things. And he just keeps on talking to the reasonable part and every reasonable word he utters just hurts the stupid part more.
So many things he has said over the past however long have just hurt me so badly. I quit from him at one stage. But I got so worked up and anxious over trying to find another T it was actually easier to go back to him.
And I've been going religiously twice a week since crawling back to him. Thinking that I need to work through this with him. That even if I went to another T it would just rear its ugly head again.
But it's so hard. I really hate him now. I'm so cut off from everyone and everything. I meant cut off on the inside as well as physically isolating myself.
I don't say anything to him at all during a session. And that's not really unusual (I'm always a real vegetable in there), but now I don't write anything for him either. I've pretty much stopped writing in my journal at all. I'm usually too worried that I'll write some stupid vulnerable crap and he'll push and push til he sees it.
I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to write to him. I don't want him seeing in my head.
And now we've hit a new low. He tried to talk to me for maybe 15 minutes last session. He didn't get much response. He was saying "Tell me anything. Recite a recipe. Anything". And then we both proceeded to sit in total silence for the next 45 odd minutes.
Today I feel like total sh*t. And I can't even schedule an extra session with him. I mean I could, but I know I won't say anything and there's no way I want to put him through the vegetable routine again so soon. I don't particularly want to go through it again. I'd rather he told me he's doing that up front so I can just walk out and save us both some time.
After that session, I did write something. It started off with "Well I must say that's the dumbest thing you have ever done" and then proceeded to list all the reasons why it was dumb and asking how on earth that was supposed to help rebuild our alliance and encourage me and connect with me and restore trust and a million other things.
I was kind of harsh.
And even now I seriously don't want to give it to him. But that means another no writing, no talking session. Another nightmare.
I wish I had of had the guts to pull out my book and start reading in front of him.
Posted by Shortelise on July 19, 2005, at 21:56:12
In reply to Making like a vegetable (sorry very long), posted by littleone on July 19, 2005, at 21:43:34
Posted by crazy teresa on July 19, 2005, at 21:56:13
In reply to Making like a vegetable (sorry very long), posted by littleone on July 19, 2005, at 21:43:34
Why don't you print out this post and hand it to him in your next session? That would be a great way to get a lot of those things off your chest and get him to answer your questions.
t
Posted by alexandra_k on July 20, 2005, at 4:51:26
In reply to Making like a vegetable (sorry very long), posted by littleone on July 19, 2005, at 21:43:34
Oh yes, your post was good.
I can play a good vegetable too :-)Sounds like 'stupid you' (who isn't really stupid of course) needs a bit of a hearing too. Challenging feelings with cognitive restructuring is what brings out the vegetable in me...
Posted by Dinah on July 20, 2005, at 5:46:49
In reply to Making like a vegetable (sorry very long), posted by littleone on July 19, 2005, at 21:43:34
I'm sorry it's so rough for you. I like Crazy Teresa's suggestion. Sometimes what we write here says what we really need to say there, and reading it to them really helps.
Posted by cricket on July 20, 2005, at 11:14:29
In reply to Making like a vegetable (sorry very long), posted by littleone on July 19, 2005, at 21:43:34
Oh yes, I have certainly done the 45 minutes in silence thing. In fact, I just had a session like that too.
My therapist gets angry about it. He thinks I am being obstinate or sometimes he says "testing" him. But it is so not true. It is everything gone to mush and the longer it goes on the worse it gets but yet I can't find a single word to break out of it. I move my mouth but I don't know what to fill it with.
I love Alex's explanation. "Challenging feelings with cognitive restructuring"
When my T accuses me of acting like I'm in junior high school detention, or says with a sneer "I can count the number of words I've gotten out of you in the last 6 months." Then I can say, "Well excuse me, but I am having challenging feelings with cognitive restructuring."
Actually I think Alex is right on. Maybe she can call our Ts :)
Posted by CAROLINA on July 20, 2005, at 12:29:18
In reply to Re: Making like a vegetable (sorry very long) » littleone, posted by cricket on July 20, 2005, at 11:14:29
if ur not comfortable w/ expressing ur feelings to ur T, not only could u print it out and hand it to him but u could email it or mail it and not have to even look a him when he redeives it. that may be alot easier to say WHATEVER u want. Hold ur head up high littleone-sometimes the littlest ones come out on top! take care-Carolina
Posted by Poet on July 20, 2005, at 19:55:12
In reply to Making like a vegetable (sorry very long), posted by littleone on July 19, 2005, at 21:43:34
Hi littleone,
I find it so difficult to even write when I am feeling down. Maybe you could edit your post and mail him what you feel the least afraid to share? Add that you need to talk about these things, but aren't sure how and when you can? So he knows what's going on with you, but also understands you may not be able to open up?
I've sat there like a vegetable many times. Until I ripped up my journal, I brought it every week and then never opened it.
((((((littleone)))))))
Poet
Posted by littleone on July 20, 2005, at 21:28:43
In reply to Making like a vegetable (sorry very long), posted by littleone on July 19, 2005, at 21:43:34
Thanks for the replies guys.
I guess this time is different than my normal vegetable routine. Normally I'm afraid of giving him something. But I can normally cut fear off inside me and do what needs to be done anyway.
I guess this time I feel really hostile towards him. And I can't seem to cut that off so easily.
I was reading gg's post on Admin about Projective Identification and it got me thinking. I kind of think that maybe my actions have been (unconsciously) designed to elicit frustration in him. This frustration then re-enacts my parents' reponse to me. That in turn amplifies my withdrawal/hate/hurt which in turn creates more frustration.
And it almost makes sense that it all started with the Books as Comfort post. I can't remember, but it wouldn't surprise me in the least if needing comfort from my dad resulted in frustration then rage on his part.
And how sad would that be? A little kid wanting some comfort and getting raged at instead.
But I also wonder if this isn't the case at all. It kind of feels a lot easier to be able to blame him. *He's* let his frustration come through. *He's* not maintaining an empathetic, etc stance. *He's* stuffing up.
Not that I would be blameless. After all, it is my actions that are generating his frustration. But geez, I'm the messed up one here. Of course I'm gonna do stupid stuff like that.
This is the end of the thread.
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