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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Shortelise on May 11, 2005, at 16:14:07
About six years ago, I stopped working for a couple of years because of a few incidents that happened while I was working for two separate people. One of them kept calling me, and eventually I told him how angry I had been at him, how badly I thought he had treated me, how I'd said lots of nasty things about him behind his back, and that he had to promise he'd never again let me down as he had. The gap was mended and I work for him now whenever he has work for me.
The other guy called me again last Friday for the first time since the nightmare job six years ago. I kind of got him mixed up with someone else, agreed in priciple to do the job, and we agreed to talk this past Monday about dates, dollars, etc. He didn't call. I called him on Tuesday, he didn't call back. Today I had a bad feeling so I googled him and there I saw the name of the project I'd worked on with him and remembered who he was and knew I couldn't work with him again. He finally called me this afternoon and I told him that some other things had come up and I took them, that I'm busy, I know he knew it was some kind of bull, and it hurt his feelings, but I felt I couldn't say, hey, you completely f@#$%^& me over six years ago, and there's no way I'm going to work for you now, buddy. The guy is incompetent, and I'm the one who will suffer because of it.Anyway, the point of this is I am really upset, I heard the confusion in his voice, I know he thinks I am being a prima donna, or really I don't knowwhat he thinks, but I could hear him feeling bad, and I feel awful.
And I want to be able to do the jobs that come along. The work I do is very specialized, and there isn't a ton of it, and though I am in a position where I don't have to work a lot, I love my work. It's stressful work, but I love it. And I take pride in the fact that because of therapy I am now able to work with relatively little anxiety.
I really want to phone my T, but also feel I shouldn't. I talked to my husband, who even with his arms around me couldn't comfort me - he held me like a grocery bag, like a camera, not like a woman who needed comfort, though I know he wanted to comfort me. I feel like there is no one who can comfort me, not even me, and I want to know if my T would, if I would come away from a phone call with him feeling comforted. I'm afraid I wouldn't, because he is withdrawing from me.
I would like to be able to deal with this small crisis on my own. Could it be that I want an excuse to phone my T? That I miss him? That I'm letting this upset me more than it would so I can call him? On the other hand, I do want to be able to handle stuff, I want to let the five weeks between visits elapse without talking with him. I really have felt pretty ok about not seeing him. So, am I unjustly accusing myself of overreacting?
I think I'll just go in the other room and chase my tail around and then flop on the floor and pant, just like my cat does. Maybe that'll clarify things.
Thanks for listening.
ShortE
Posted by Tamar on May 11, 2005, at 16:59:24
In reply to upset, posted by Shortelise on May 11, 2005, at 16:14:07
Well, if he really wanted you to do the job, he could have called you on Monday, like he agreed, or returned your call on Tuesday. He’s already treating you with less respect than you deserve before he’s even convinced you to work with him! And if he didn’t realize that you would be annoyed about having been f@#$%^& with six years ago, then it’s about time he thought about it. If he’s upset, that’s his issue, not your responsibility. I bet he gets his own way all the time by making people feel guilty about hurting his feelings.> I really want to phone my T, but also feel I shouldn't. I talked to my husband, who even with his arms around me couldn't comfort me - he held me like a grocery bag, like a camera, not like a woman who needed comfort, though I know he wanted to comfort me. I feel like there is no one who can comfort me, not even me, and I want to know if my T would, if I would come away from a phone call with him feeling comforted. I'm afraid I wouldn't, because he is withdrawing from me.
LOL! I am familiar with that ‘grocery bag’ feeling. It’s not the best.
Would your T comfort you? Or would he attempt to analyse you?
> I would like to be able to deal with this small crisis on my own. Could it be that I want an excuse to phone my T? That I miss him? That I'm letting this upset me more than it would so I can call him? On the other hand, I do want to be able to handle stuff, I want to let the five weeks between visits elapse without talking with him. I really have felt pretty ok about not seeing him. So, am I unjustly accusing myself of overreacting?
As you know, I enjoy a good excuse to call my T as much as the next woman. But I don’t think you’re over-reacting. It’s a blast from the past that has hit you hard, possibly because things were more difficult for you six years ago.
IMHO it’s OK to call your T on this one --- but you might want to think about precisely what you expect of him. He might not comfort you and he might not make you feel less like a grocery bag. On the other hand, he might help you process the strong feelings you are experiencing. If that would help you, go ahead and call. It isn’t a sign of weakness to need your T when something unexpected and distressing happens. That’s what Ts are for.> I think I'll just go in the other room and chase my tail around and then flop on the floor and pant, just like my cat does. Maybe that'll clarify things.
Yes, but will someone put down a saucer of milk for you?
Let us know whether you decide to call.
Tamar
Posted by daisym on May 11, 2005, at 19:20:19
In reply to upset, posted by Shortelise on May 11, 2005, at 16:14:07
(((ShortE))))
Work angst -- the bain of my existence right now. I agree with Tamar, the guy didn't give you any indication that he has changed in six years, based on his behavior. Don't let the hurt in his voice throw you.
I think you have to ask yourself what is throwing you? Is there some part of you that thinks you should have "gotten over it" by now and that everyone gets a second (and third and fourth) chance? It is hard not be forgiving, to protect yourself, first, above and beyond someone else. I think many of us think we should just say, "Oh, all right!" and make the best of things. I think you did a fabulous job of protecting yourself from a bad situation.
As far as calling your therapist -- I would. I think you need reassurance that you did the right thing and that therapy wasn't supposed to help you accept any and all assignments, it was supposed to help you reduce your anxiety around work that you want to do. So touching your safe base makes sense to me now (asking -- did I do OK? I can do the other work, right? It is OK to be upset about this, right?) You need validation around this.
If you don't call, breathe in and out and remember that self-care is critical. And there is nothing wrong with wanting comfort, even if you don't actually reach for it.
Take good care,
Daisy
Posted by Shortelise on May 12, 2005, at 0:56:54
In reply to Re: upset » Shortelise, posted by Tamar on May 11, 2005, at 16:59:24
It's true, he should have called back when he said he would, which was tip number one that he's not good at his job. And not respectful.
I don't think he was trying to make me feel guilty. I could just hear the change in his voice, and I felt bad. No, it is not my responsibility. But I *wanted* to do this job, I liked the circumstances, other than the bit about working for him. I like everything else about it!
I didn't phone my psychiatrist. Not so far. I still have a deep sad feeling, though I am past feeling like crying. I don't know what he would do, honestly.
You're so right - this is bringing back the feelings I had six years ago. It was really awful back then, I pretty much cracked up, cried and cried and howled for days and days. The idea of going to work was torture. It took several years before I could think of going without wanting to vomit. I worked again after two years but had to take what's it called, like xanax, only different. Clonazepam.
I think I will telephone him tomorrow. He's not out of my life yet, so I might as well take advantage of his presence while I still have him. Why do I want to cry, though, at the very thought of talking with him? I'm such an idiot.
ShortE
PS Thanks, Tamar, very much
Posted by Shortelise on May 12, 2005, at 1:04:18
In reply to Re: upset » Shortelise, posted by daisym on May 11, 2005, at 19:20:19
You;re absolutely right - the fact that he didn't callwhen he said he would is a very clear indication that he has not changed in the least.
I do need to pretect myself. My husband said the same thing. He was adamant that I should not work for this guy. Another guy I work for said the same thing: bad news!
Thank you Daisy, I will call my T tomorrow and I will remember that I have to take care of myself. One of my rules for working is that I only work with the good people, the ones I trust and who respect me. I have to stick to that.
Thanks for the hugs. I *dont'* feel like a bag of groceries.
I hope your work anxiety is resolved.
ShortE
This is the end of the thread.
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