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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on March 23, 2005, at 23:29:27
It's not really that my thoughts here are private. That's partly it. I generally tell him whatever I say here, but I might rephrase it in a therapy suitable way.
It's not really the negative things I say about him either, although I really don't want the nose picking thing to get out.
But I'm afraid that he might not recognize the sessions I describe. I'm afraid that my own filter might color what I remember so much that it has no relation to what actually happened.
Sometimes I worry that I'm giving you all an absolutely dreadful impression of him by only giving part of the story, or by perceiving things through my own cognitive distortions. Or by outright bending the truth so that I don't look as bad as I might otherwise.
Do you all ever wonder when reading posts what really might have happened? Do you all ever wonder that about your own posts the way I wonder about mine?
Posted by Shortelise on March 23, 2005, at 23:42:14
In reply to The real reason I don't want my therapist here, posted by Dinah on March 23, 2005, at 23:29:27
Dinah there's no doubt in my mind that in every circumstance I tailor what I say to whoever is listening.
If my T has nothing better to do with his time than swim around in here, well, so be it. I rather think he is busy elsewhere though. :-)
ShortE
Posted by messadivoce on March 24, 2005, at 0:11:59
In reply to The real reason I don't want my therapist here, posted by Dinah on March 23, 2005, at 23:29:27
Dinah, I honestly don't think that there's anything like "reality" in these situations. Only perception. But isn't that part of the reason we are in therapy? To discover our own filters, and recognize that people aren't always like the people who have mistreated us in the past? That's why the therapy relationship is so powerful, I think. Because we see people in our T's.
When I'm with my T, there's only 2 of us in the room, though, so there are only going to be 2 points of view. Just like in any other relationship. I think a lot of the work we do with our T's serves the purpose of examining our own point of view of ourselves, and others. Discovering our truth.
I get the idea that your T is generally a good, helpful person who has shortcomings that affect your therapy sometimes. I think that he is a better person today because he is your T, and when I read posts about him I know that your are telling your own truth about how you react to him those few hours a week. He sounds really human to me. In fact, ALL of the T's I read about here (with the exception of Daisy's) are imperfect human beings who are just trying to help people the best they can. And sometimes they don't quite hit the mark. But since being in therapy makes a person more articulate, I never really question people's perceptions of their T's, because after all, therapy is supposed to make you more able to deal with what life gives you and help you be able to explain and come to terms with it.
I don't know if that makes any sense.
Posted by Susan47 on March 24, 2005, at 6:38:45
In reply to The real reason I don't want my therapist here, posted by Dinah on March 23, 2005, at 23:29:27
"What actually happened" for you and what actually happened for him are both true. A mature therapist realizes that.
Posted by pegasus on March 24, 2005, at 10:08:24
In reply to The real reason I don't want my therapist here, posted by Dinah on March 23, 2005, at 23:29:27
Yeah, I used to feel that way about everything I told my therapist. (Kind of the opposite direction of your observation.) I'd be sure that I told it wrong, and that what I described is not really what happened. Before he moved and I was looking for a new T, I mentioned that it would be an opportunity to tell it all again and "get it right". He didn't like that at all. I guess whatever I told him was my reality at the time, whether or not other people would have agreed about exactly how things happened.
I think Ts understand and -- more important -- respect how this happens, whether it's what we tell them, or what we take in about our interations with them. I'm quite sure that what you tell us here is true in terms of your experiences, and what you need to talk about with babblers.
pegasus
Posted by Shortelise on March 24, 2005, at 11:33:17
In reply to Re: The real reason I don't want my therapist here » Dinah, posted by messadivoce on March 24, 2005, at 0:11:59
Voce, that is so wise and well said. Thank you.
ShortE
Posted by fallsfall on March 24, 2005, at 20:18:35
In reply to The real reason I don't want my therapist here, posted by Dinah on March 23, 2005, at 23:29:27
> But I'm afraid that he might not recognize the sessions I describe. I'm afraid that my own filter might color what I remember so much that it has no relation to what actually happened.
> Sometimes I worry that I'm giving you all an absolutely dreadful impression of him by only giving part of the story, or by perceiving things through my own cognitive distortions. Or by outright bending the truth so that I don't look as bad as I might otherwise.
I have found that when I do tell my therapist how I really saw a session, and we talk about it that we really do learn a lot about me. It can be embarassing, I can be scared to tell him (and find out I'm "wrong"). But I know that he has my best interests at heart, and that if I did misunderstand something he won't be *angry* that I misunderstood. He'll try to help me figure out why I saw it the way I did. These conversations are really very productive.
I wish you could feel that confidence with your therapist.
Posted by Dinah on March 24, 2005, at 21:10:03
In reply to Re: The real reason I don't want my therapist here » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on March 24, 2005, at 20:18:35
I know that everyone does it to some extent. I know to some extent it's inadvertant. Just the fact that in any conversation between two people there are probably three versions. And that it's also natural to leave out the parts of the story that don't make a person look too good.
But suddenly I am just overcome with how unfair I've been to him. Probably part of the whole anxiety wave I'm riding right now.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 25, 2005, at 5:20:48
In reply to I don't know why this is bothering me of a sudden, posted by Dinah on March 24, 2005, at 21:10:03
Yeah, there are as many versions as there are observers... And what the observers agree on are typically called 'the facts'.
That is precisely why I like to read therapists notes. It provides their perspective on the session. Mine is always different. Sometimes it suprises me how they interpreted something. And I like to give them my take on that so we can talk about it and converge a bit more.
I think everybody tailors what they say to different audiences. The way you talk to your son is different from the way you talk to your husband is different from the way you talk to your t is different from the way you talk to us etc.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 25, 2005, at 5:22:33
In reply to I don't know why this is bothering me of a sudden, posted by Dinah on March 24, 2005, at 21:10:03
I don't think you are unfair to him.
You defend him...
You tell us about good sessions and nice things he does...But sometimes you are having a hard time.
But I don't think you are unfair.
Posted by Dinah on March 25, 2005, at 22:41:32
In reply to Re: I don't know why this is bothering me of a sudden » Dinah, posted by alexandra_k on March 25, 2005, at 5:22:33
He wore yellow today, then was mock dismayed that I wasn't. I told him I was wearing pink, and he said he didn't have a lot of pink in his wardrobe.
I was myself today, which is the extremely pessimistic negative self I am lately. I said that I didn't know if therapy (or anything) would be able to help me. So he suggested that I might want to quit going for a while. His intention, of course, which he did admit, was to shock me out of being so negative. But stubborn me retreated and said, sure, I'd quit going. That reverse psychology stuff never works on me. So he confessed, and said that he actually thought I should go more frequently. Which I can't, but it was nice of him not to stick to his guns.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 26, 2005, at 15:55:56
In reply to I'm glad. He can be sweet., posted by Dinah on March 25, 2005, at 22:41:32
> He wore yellow today,
Oh wow Dinah!!! That is very sweet indeed. Maybe he is feeling a bit regretful for trying to talk you out of the yellow and pink thing :-)
>then was mock dismayed that I wasn't.
Aw.
>I told him I was wearing pink, and he said he didn't have a lot of pink in his wardrobe.
Ha ha! Still, pink and yellow. Pink and yellow is good :-) That was a sweet thing for him to do. You will have to buy him something pink if you think he'd take it. Or maybe some pink dye or something. He could dye something white :-)
> I was myself today, which is the extremely pessimistic negative self I am lately. I said that I didn't know if therapy (or anything) would be able to help me. So he suggested that I might want to quit going for a while. His intention, of course, which he did admit, was to shock me out of being so negative. But stubborn me retreated and said, sure, I'd quit going. That reverse psychology stuff never works on me. So he confessed, and said that he actually thought I should go more frequently. Which I can't, but it was nice of him not to stick to his guns.Yeah. Reverse psychology... When you know they are doing it you want to make it not work just so that you aren't reinforcing that darned annoying strategy :-)
I was thinking about what you said about being unfair on him...I guess I don't really see it that way because I know that you post from your perspective. So quite often I appreciate that you are telling your story (which is true for you) and that he woud have a different take on things. I kind of hold that in my mind.
It can be helpful sometimes to try to see things from their point of view. Sometimes we are still way off... But it can help. Especially when we are mad at them etc.
Posted by Tamar on March 26, 2005, at 20:11:47
In reply to The real reason I don't want my therapist here, posted by Dinah on March 23, 2005, at 23:29:27
I tend to think that all conversations are subject to differences of perspective, but the therapy relationship is particularly strange because of the way it's constructed, especially if there's a strong emphasis on transference.
If you think you're being unfair to your therapist, maybe you should ask whether you're being unfair to yourself.
I was very surprised to discover that my therapist didn't remember every word I'd said in previous sessions! On reflection, I shouldn't have been so surprised, but I came to understand that his point of view was completely different from mine. However, I decided it didn't really matter as long as I knew what was important for me.
Sorry, I'm not being very coherent. I think I'm trying to say: maybe what matters is how you represent *yourself* rather than how you depict your therapist.
And also you have said many nice things about him, so it does seem that he is quite sweet. If you are sometimes a bit frustrated with him, it's only natural. The only cure for our frustration with our therapists would come if they could read our minds, and I'm not sure anyone wants that!
Don't be too hard on yourself.
Tamar
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