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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by lonelygal2 on February 23, 2005, at 18:40:35
yesterday in my session i sat there in complete silence for the whole 50 minutes. she was pretty much okay with the silence, but she kept checking in trying to ask me how i was doing... i couldn't say anything- i sort of shrugged some. i felt like if i were to try to talk no sound would come out. i was terrified.
i called her a minute ago and talked to her some and said that i felt it was hopeless. she was reassuring. but i want to feel better NOW. it bothers me too that she said i was in a lot of pain- i cringe at that- my immediate reaction is no way, i'm fine, not going there. :(
Posted by pinkeye on February 23, 2005, at 18:53:12
In reply to silence, posted by lonelygal2 on February 23, 2005, at 18:40:35
I agree with your therapist - you do seem to be in a lot of pain...I am not qualified to judge, but it seems so from your posts. But it doesn't mean that you will always be this way.
Acknowledging being in pain is one of the first steps you can take towards getting rid of it.
When you feel you are not able to talk in therapy, will it help you if you write down a few points that you want to talk about in therapy that day before hand, and give it to your therapist first? Then she can start asking you some questions about the points that you wrote and you might be able to open up and strike a conversation.
Posted by daisym on February 24, 2005, at 0:18:58
In reply to silence, posted by lonelygal2 on February 23, 2005, at 18:40:35
I hate sitting in silence. The few times I've done it for more than a few minutes have ended badly for me. I spiral down...but, I guess the silence did allow me to move past (or dig under) that block because the silence was so much worse than talking about stuff. When I am really struggling, I now say "help me" or I will warn my therapist to not let me sit in silence and float away if I'm onto a hard topic (and they are all hard).
I think your therapist of all people, should see your pain. Isn't that why you are going? Let her in a little, try to share. It is hard but it will help. I find writing helps me a lot. If nothing else, I can read what I've written and we go from there.
I hope it gets better for you soon.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 24, 2005, at 0:34:54
In reply to silence, posted by lonelygal2 on February 23, 2005, at 18:40:35
Wow. That is impressive. To find someone who is comfortable with silences. I guess it is helpful to a point, but then it can be helpful if they say something to kind of get you started too.
Why are you afraid to acknowledge pain? Are you afraid acknowledging it will make it worse?
Posted by lonelygal2 on February 24, 2005, at 7:40:12
In reply to Re: silence » lonelygal2, posted by alexandra_k on February 24, 2005, at 0:34:54
> Why are you afraid to acknowledge pain? Are you afraid acknowledging it will make it worse?
>i don't want to have pain :( .
if i ignore it, won't it go away?
also, i don't think i have a right to be upset. i should be fine.
Posted by Daisym on February 24, 2005, at 10:37:50
In reply to Re: silence » alexandra_k, posted by lonelygal2 on February 24, 2005, at 7:40:12
It might go away if you ignore it. At least for awhile.
It might get bigger and sneaky. Pain asserts itself in many different ways. You could get sick, or depressed, or angry.
Who told you you don't have a right to be upset? I don't even know what your pain is about and yet I know you have a right to be upset. If I've learned nothing else in 18 months of therapy, I now know, "your feelings are your feelings. They don't respond to logic and they usually can't be ignored." (I want a gold star!)
I hope you allow yourself help to work through your pain. Sharing it really does work.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 24, 2005, at 13:13:12
In reply to Re: silence » alexandra_k, posted by lonelygal2 on February 24, 2005, at 7:40:12
> > Why are you afraid to acknowledge pain? Are you afraid acknowledging it will make it worse?
> i don't want to have pain :( .
(((lonelygal)))
Aw, hon. I don't think anybody wants to have pain. Most certaintly not the intense or hopeless kind of pain.> if i ignore it, won't it go away?
Well... How long have you been trying to ignore it for? Maybe it is time for a change of strategy. I think the idea is that if you stop ignoring it then it will get a bit worse for a while. That can be hard. You need to have coping skills in place so that you can cope. But by facing it more directly then you can work through it and hopefully figure out what is so painful and talk about it and then it won't feel so bad anymore.
I find that the more I try to push stuff away, the more it comes back to bite me on the *ss later. That being said there are times where I just have to do that because it is too much in the present. Or it is not an appropriate time to deal with it. It doesn't have to be everything or nothing. If I little bit comes out then that doesn't mean that ALL of it will come rushing back. I would say that talking to your t about it a little (or maybe writing a little something to give her to help get you started) would be the safest way. She should realise how hard this is for you (maybe thats why she is okay with the silence? She is hoping you will start to tell her that you are hurting?).
> also, i don't think i have a right to be upset. i should be fine.
It is normal to get upset. Everybody gets upset sometimes. But if you tell yourself you 'should' be fine then doesn't that make it worse because you then feel guilty and bad for the hurt that you are trying to ignore???
I am sorry for your pain.
It is a really really really hard thing to deal with. I have a lot of it myself..
Posted by mair on February 24, 2005, at 17:03:03
In reply to Re: silence » alexandra_k, posted by lonelygal2 on February 24, 2005, at 7:40:12
" also, i don't think i have a right to be upset. i should be fine."
LG - this has been a big issue for me too - sort of like I'm not entitled to my pain or my illness. My childhood was too normal; no one abused me, there's not much documented history of mental illness in my family, I'm in a stable family situation now etc etc. And even if I can understand why I came to be so depressed in the first place, I can't quite forgive myself for not getting over it.
When my T has tried to provide me with some answers, they've all sounded like flimsy excuses to me.
But focusing on your lack of entitlement is a little bit of a red herring. Daisy's right - your feelings are your feelings and if they are your reality, you have to deal with them not dismiss them. It's also pretty much the nature of the beast that we tend to place value judgements on our feelings.
I also think that the fact that you're in so much pain now is evidence enough that ignored pain doesn't go away, at least not forever.
mair
Posted by lonelygal2 on February 24, 2005, at 17:43:06
In reply to Re: silence, posted by pinkeye on February 23, 2005, at 18:53:12
yeah, i've already given her some writing and i've left a lot of voicemails, and well, she knows a whole lot.
she told me she thinks i'm comfortable with talkign to her indirectly, which she is okay with, but she wants me to be able to transition into talking during therapy, b/c she says that's where she can help me.
she called today and i'm actually meeting with her tomorrow again. i hope it will go okay.
> I agree with your therapist - you do seem to be in a lot of pain...I am not qualified to judge, but it seems so from your posts. But it doesn't mean that you will always be this way.
>
> Acknowledging being in pain is one of the first steps you can take towards getting rid of it.
> When you feel you are not able to talk in therapy, will it help you if you write down a few points that you want to talk about in therapy that day before hand, and give it to your therapist first? Then she can start asking you some questions about the points that you wrote and you might be able to open up and strike a conversation.
Posted by lonelygal2 on February 24, 2005, at 17:44:43
In reply to Re: silence, posted by Daisym on February 24, 2005, at 10:37:50
i guess i still need to learn that lesson. i feel guilty for hurting. that i shouldn't let things get to me.
> It might go away if you ignore it. At least for awhile.
>
> It might get bigger and sneaky. Pain asserts itself in many different ways. You could get sick, or depressed, or angry.
>
> Who told you you don't have a right to be upset? I don't even know what your pain is about and yet I know you have a right to be upset. If I've learned nothing else in 18 months of therapy, I now know, "your feelings are your feelings. They don't respond to logic and they usually can't be ignored." (I want a gold star!)
>
> I hope you allow yourself help to work through your pain. Sharing it really does work.
>
>
Posted by pinkeye on February 24, 2005, at 18:05:15
In reply to Re: silence » Daisym, posted by lonelygal2 on February 24, 2005, at 17:44:43
you said you are a medical student. Are you in a very competetive environment, with pressure to perform extremely well? acknowledging the pressure you are in and the pain might help you to deal with it more effectively rather than denying it. sometimes I have felt if I let the pain get to me, I will end up going down the drain and that I couldn't afford to do it. But bottling up the pain only made it worse.
Posted by shrinking violet on February 26, 2005, at 12:10:14
In reply to Re: silence » Daisym, posted by lonelygal2 on February 24, 2005, at 17:44:43
aw ((((((LG)))))))
As you know, I can relate a lot to what's happening with you in T. And my T also tells me (a lot) how much pain I'm in....I think she's trying to bring it out on the table and verbalize it for me, so that I can acknowledge it and look at it in my own silent way until I'm ready to talk to her about it. Perhaps your T was doing something similar. Also, the fact that she "sees" how much you're hurting, especially since so few people in your life know, can itself be comforting, do you think? Sometimes sitting with my T quietly helps a lot, because I think things can be said even if they aren't necessarily spoken, and sometimes the connection between two people can be enough to "hold" you through sometimes. I hope I'm making sense. It's good that your T seems pretty comfortable with silence (unlike mine, although she's trying; she gets through about five minutes now before she has to say something, but that's a lot better than before LOL). She also seems to understand that you are more comfortable not communicating to her directly right now, which is good, but it's important to not get too comfortable doing that, because when it gets taken away it's very hard (take it from someone who knows). So I hope you really try to push against yourself and talk to her, even if it's just one sentence at first. A little at a time, and hopefully you'll be more comfortable as time goes on. I'm not sure if you journal, or if you write your thoughts/feelings down at all, but bringing something like that to session and reading it aloud to her would probably really help as well. I know, it's very frightening (I've done it, and not just lists of thoughts, I mean whole detailed paragraphs) but it's better than falling into yourself too much and then not being able to get out (again, I know).
You're truly so brave. I hope you see that in you. Good luck.
Peace,
sv
Posted by lonelygal2 on February 27, 2005, at 11:18:17
In reply to Re: silence » lonelygal2, posted by pinkeye on February 24, 2005, at 18:05:15
yes, being a med student and all puts me in a crazy environment with a lot of pressures and my intelligence/stupidity always being questioned... i'm currently away from my school right now doing an internship.. i would write more about it, but i don't want to be easily identified by people who know me.
> you said you are a medical student. Are you in a very competetive environment, with pressure to perform extremely well? acknowledging the pressure you are in and the pain might help you to deal with it more effectively rather than denying it. sometimes I have felt if I let the pain get to me, I will end up going down the drain and that I couldn't afford to do it. But bottling up the pain only made it worse.
Posted by lonelygal2 on February 27, 2005, at 11:22:33
In reply to Re: silence » lonelygal2, posted by shrinking violet on February 26, 2005, at 12:10:14
hey sv..
umm, yeah i have definately gotten too used to leaving my t voicemails.. umm, i feel so stupid. i think i'm testing her- she's gotta get annoyed with me and tell me to go away. i told her i was annoying. i'm sure she must hate me. i'm embarassed. i wanna hide. :(
Posted by lonelygal2 on February 27, 2005, at 12:55:06
In reply to Re: silence » shrinking violet, posted by lonelygal2 on February 27, 2005, at 11:22:33
i'm lonely :(
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