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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 19:14:44
In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. - Pinkeye, posted by Dinah on February 11, 2005, at 18:49:02
Your post is very soothing. You have worded it extremely well. Thanks a lot. I will try to look at it this way. I guess I was just worried excessively - maybe becuase I like him a lot and wanted the same from him also. He was really a wonderful doctor.. I really miss him a lot. But I guess such is life.. you cannot always hang on to persons you like. I only wish I had been like him, that I had known him in some other way, I could have been friends with him.
> Which isn't to say he didn't "like" you. There's reasonably good evidence that he did like you. But overwhelming evidence that he cared about you.
>
> I'm sure there was some technical therapy reason he couldn't answer your question. Some therapists are sticklers about those things. My therapist always uses "care for". It must be officially sanctioned or something.
Posted by Dinah on February 11, 2005, at 19:17:15
In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. - Pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 19:14:44
I agree.
There are things in the therapy relationship that make it frustrating, but those are the same things that make it valuable.
And losing the people we care about stinks. Period.
Posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 19:23:19
In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. - Pinkeye » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on February 11, 2005, at 19:17:15
Thanks a bunch Dinah. All these are bringing tears to my eyes. Anyway, it is so hard to let go of such an important relationship. I am so tempted everyday to write, but have to hold back. I don't want to cause him further work. He didn't even charge me for all the work that he did with me. Sometimes I feel he was really an exceptionally great person. I wouldn't have done so much for anyone myself - maybe not even for my closest friends. That is what makes it so much the harder to let go. I feel almost like what they say here - touched by an angel. That is literally what I feel to have been able to receive so much of care. I hope someday I will be able to be worthy of it and give the same to others.
Posted by Dinah on February 11, 2005, at 19:25:26
In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. - Pinkeye » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 19:23:19
Posted by Susan47 on February 13, 2005, at 18:54:24
In reply to He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah., posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 12:43:42
Mmmmmmm I'm in sexual hyperdrive just called ex-t's machine and talked before the beep, over his voice, on top of him so to speak oh Yes! I can't believe how some men are as sexy as mashed potatoes, most men are like that actually, but others just ... oh, man. At the theatre i'm back in the saddle again, again, back in oh yes back in it's so much fun and I'm nice and I have something I like, i like, i like, i like. Susan's got her mojo, oh yes please let it last just a little bit longer, maybe a whole week that would be awesome, please don't make ex-T cut her off she needs to feel good, needs to oh yes, oh yes, oh yes. (Big Smile) And he didn't know I phoned so there, I didn't hurt anyone, didn't hurt anyone oh no, oh no, oh no.
Posted by Susan47 on February 13, 2005, at 19:35:42
In reply to Re sex may trigger?, posted by Susan47 on February 13, 2005, at 18:54:24
Reading the book I am these last two days, two very good books, and realizing Susan never had a geniune relationship with a male person her whole life. Once, maybe, and he was a really good friend who ended up having a terrible crush on her, oh yes he was so transferred onto me it was ri-di-cu-lous. And hurt to be someone with too much power, power I didn't want, oh yes, oh yes, I'm re-playing that whole scene again, replaying it with my ex-T, hmmm.
Posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 0:01:47
In reply to Re: Re sex may trigger?, posted by Susan47 on February 13, 2005, at 19:35:42
My ex-t. I believe in my heart of hearts that is one of the reasons he couldn't help me. He took on too much. Too much. Men rescue women. Man = protector. Woman = helpless. Age-old, age-old. A trap. One women like me need to be more aware of. Oh yes.
Posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 13:37:46
In reply to He Cared Too much., posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 0:01:47
Are they all not trained for this kind of thing?
Posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 14:20:14
In reply to Re: He Cared Too much. » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 13:37:46
I believe they are but I asked my therapist once, if he ever saw a therapist. His answer? No. And a somewhat sheepish look.
I believe he ran into problems with me for precisely that reason.
And if he was lying to me, then that again would be a problem, wouldn't it? In any case, I know he didn't work with what was workable. I'll probably always wonder at the reasons why, when I think about it. The trick is, to not think about it anymore. I have to find a way to lay this to rest, because I don't believe I will ever get the answers from him.
Posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 14:26:34
In reply to Re: He Cared Too much., posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 14:20:14
Do I remember right - you asked him to terminate you because you had lot of attachment to him - just after a few sessions right?
Posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 16:22:07
In reply to Re: He Cared Too much., posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 14:26:34
Oh dear, my true past catches up with me. How did you remember that? Yes in fact it's something I keep forgetting. I asked him not to allow me to make any more appointments with him because I was having bad thoughts about him. And I was. I didn't trust him. But..
this book I'm reading now is throwing so much light onto me, myself and I.. also onto my therapist. Listen to this "if something big in a relationship is not being talked about (by either patient or therapist), the nothing else of importance will be discussed either."
Posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 16:26:37
In reply to Re: He Cared Too much., posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 16:22:07
But regardless of what I said, he did terminate me, and he did refuse to see me anymore. I couldn't possibly go back, I tried and he gave me no choice. So you see, it is more serious than just a request on my part. It was a decision on his. And it was a decision he claimed not to have made until just last week. And even then, it sounds like he's denying even that to himself, it sounds like he just confirmed it in his own mind that not seeing me was the right thing to do. BUt it wasn't. He should've stuck out the therapy with me, and laid down firmer guidlines, like, you need to commit to therapy such-and-so many times at least or I can't help you. His boundaries and his goal-setting both sucked with me. I think his behaviour probably varies greatly between clients .. who knows, I never will. :)
Posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 16:34:04
In reply to Re: He Cared Too much., posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 16:26:37
There's a "me" in every chapter of this book... it's very cool... I like that I can see myself in others ...
Posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 17:01:13
In reply to Re: He Cared Too much., posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 16:26:37
It is hard for you - I can see it. But sometimes therapists have their own reasons why they make certain decisions - they are human and have lots of limitations themselves - they may not be able to control their feelings 100 %, they may not be able to help certain types of clients etc etc. You will never know the reasons, so the only thing you can do now is to accept that he is a human and probably has made a mistake with you and let it go at that. Can you try to do that instead of troubling yourself about it?
Posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 17:37:25
In reply to Re: He Cared Too much., posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 17:01:13
Posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 18:10:03
In reply to I don't know. I'm very angry. (nm) » pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 17:37:25
I am very sorry you are hurting so much. Do you have a new T to work on with? Will that help?
Posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 19:27:53
In reply to Re: I don't know. I'm very angry. » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 18:10:03
I hope it will help. I believe I'm doing the best I can. I know I am. That's all I can do.
Posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 19:50:31
In reply to Re: I don't know. I'm very angry., posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 19:27:53
That is good enough. That is all we can do. Many times feeling better is not completely in our hands.. We can only do our best.
Posted by Susan47 on February 16, 2005, at 17:06:27
In reply to Re: I don't know. I'm very angry., posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 19:50:31
I don't like myself when I am angry. I don't like not loving people. I want to be loving. I want to be kind, open and understanding. This is hurting me and I need to let it go. Let it go. I will never understand because I will never know. Guessing makes me uncertain, and that makes me unhappy. I can't do it anymore. I can't carry the whole burden of guilt anymore, Dr. W. I don't like what you've done. I wish I liked who you are, but I suspect I might not really. That just has to be okay. I suspect you don't like me, and that has to be okay as well.
Posted by Susan47 on February 16, 2005, at 19:32:27
In reply to Re: I don't know. I'm very angry., posted by Susan47 on February 16, 2005, at 17:06:27
Why can't I get it together? What is the matter with me? Why am I all alone doing this, why did I see this doctor and behave this way, why didn't he show me any redemption, why does he hate me so much, why oh why am I so unbelievably hateful of myself, I hate myself so much I just want to die now. I can't believe yesterday was a good day. :( I am so so sad. I hurt so much. Nobody will ever ever love me or care about me, I'm ugly, I'm obnoxious and I've failed at everything I've ever tried to do. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.
Posted by pinkeye on February 16, 2005, at 19:42:41
In reply to Oh God this hurts so much., posted by Susan47 on February 16, 2005, at 19:32:27
I am very sorry you are hurting so much. You are a very very nice person.. you are just going through a difficult time. We all do. Sometimes we behave very badly ourselves, sometimes we end up getting the worst luck in life.. Hang in there. It will get better. You have helped me so much in my struggle, and I am thankful to you for that. You have helped so many people here in babble, I have looked through your posts.
Sometimes it is difficult to get things together in life. It is just the way life is. It is not all the time fair to everyone. All of us have our own share of unfairness and sometimes we mess up big time ourselves in life. All of us have done things we are extremely ashamed of and embarassed about. We just have to do our best to pick ourselves up and go on. I see a beautiful person in you. Anybody who is willing to change and try and learn is a beautiful person. If not now, tomorrow or the day after or the day after that, you will emerge a happy and cheerful person. Hang in there.
> Why can't I get it together? What is the matter with me? Why am I all alone doing this, why did I see this doctor and behave this way, why didn't he show me any redemption, why does he hate me so much, why oh why am I so unbelievably hateful of myself, I hate myself so much I just want to die now. I can't believe yesterday was a good day. :( I am so so sad. I hurt so much. Nobody will ever ever love me or care about me, I'm ugly, I'm obnoxious and I've failed at everything I've ever tried to do. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.
Posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 0:06:06
In reply to Re: Oh God this hurts so much., posted by pinkeye on February 16, 2005, at 19:42:41
And then I think no, I won't back down on this one, this is not right. What this therapist did was wrong. I know it in my heart, and sometimes I know it in my head, and then I begin to doubt myself again. Am I crazy?
Posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 0:24:02
In reply to I just feel so bad, so sad, so guilty, so confused, posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 0:06:06
Otherwise, why would I have been seeing a therapist? And why would I be posting here at all, or have felt it necessary to dial the same telephone number over and over again, to hear the same voice say the same thing .... is that obsession? It's obsessional certainly. But why? Why does anyone do things like this? Why, somewhere in the deep unconscious, why was it deemed necessary by the mind to behave in this manner? To fill the need in this way, with this voice, at this time, from this person. What is the connecting process, what area of the brain made the decision that this was going to be a need, not a desire... what part of myself needs this acted out in this way, this very public yet lonely forum, and oh my god Susan you are so full of sh*t.
Posted by sunny10 on February 17, 2005, at 11:12:35
In reply to Hah. Well Of Course, posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 0:24:02
you're just grieving, and that's perfectly natural and not crazy at all.
If you do a web seach on the stages of grief, you will see what I mean. Grief is about all sorts of deaths, including the death of a hope or a dream of "what might have been".
You are not crazy at all.
Big kisses and big hugs,
sunny10
Posted by 10derHeart on February 17, 2005, at 12:47:59
In reply to Re: not full of sh*t » Susan47, posted by sunny10 on February 17, 2005, at 11:12:35
Susan,
I totally agree with sunny. You are not "crazy", whatever that bizarre, vague and sometimes creepy word even means ANYWAY!! She has a good point about the stages of grief. I am there also, and new T. tells me regularly it's quite normal and human, and he'd be dismayed if I didn't feel all these things, and most importantly, ALLOW myself to feel them intensely.
Keep on venting woman, what better place....?
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