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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by crushedout on December 12, 2004, at 12:37:23
i don't even know if i can express what i'm feeling right now. it's gotten so bad (and it's not just about my T -- i daresay it's not about her at all, but that seems unlikely) that all i can think about is how i want to do myself in. actually imagining methods and stuff. i just don't see the point in living. i know all that stuff i was saying about small pleasures and being kind but none of it feels like it matters to me right now. i just want to die.
Posted by rubenstein on December 12, 2004, at 12:50:39
In reply to i need help (poss. ***trigger***), posted by crushedout on December 12, 2004, at 12:37:23
Crushedout
I can only imagine the pain that you are in. My mind in the last couple of days has been drawn to those subjects as well. It seems as if things won't get better...but my therapist always insists that they will (I don't know if I believe him as of yet but hey he is the one with the psychology degree)... you can get through this, and don't blame yourself for having those thoughts.... it is okay to have them, just acknowledge them and let them be, easier said than done, I know, but sometimes that works for me. Please stay safe, and try to be with other people, as muchas I hate doing that when I feel so bad, it always helps in the long run. Take care
Posted by crushedout on December 12, 2004, at 14:28:22
In reply to Re: i need help (poss. ***trigger***), posted by rubenstein on December 12, 2004, at 12:50:39
thank you rube. right now i'm "with" someone and it's only makign me feel worse.i'm going to see family tonight but i'm scared to be real with them about what's going on. i'm such a mess. i feel like i have to put on a happy face. but i'm not sure if i'll be able to. (it's my little bro's bday)
Posted by rubenstein on December 12, 2004, at 14:44:14
In reply to Re: i need help (poss. ***trigger***) » rubenstein, posted by crushedout on December 12, 2004, at 14:28:22
I think sometimes that is the hardest thing
trying to put on a happy face when things are falling apart. I am guilty of that alot and it only makes me feel worse. I feel for you and am still thinking of you
rubenstein
Posted by daisym on December 12, 2004, at 16:05:41
In reply to i need help (poss. ***trigger***), posted by crushedout on December 12, 2004, at 12:37:23
Crushed,
You need to tell your new therapist you feel this way. Call and leave a message. I'm glad you are with someone and will be with family. You can stay quiet, just stay with people to keep yourself safe.
Checking out is seductive. It creeps into your thoughts like a rational way to end all the pain and the suffering. But it is distorted reality.
I've been struggling myself with these thoughts again this week and last. I've been honest with my therapist about it. He reminds me that it can't get better if I check out. And we go through the list again of who needs me to keep trying.
I'm asking you to make your own list. What are your dreams? What would you miss? Who would miss you the most?
Take it minute by minute and then hour by hour. You will work up to day by day. It won't hurt this bad forever. And I would miss you.
Hugs from me.
Posted by pegasus on December 12, 2004, at 18:55:21
In reply to Re: i need help (poss. ***trigger***) » crushedout, posted by daisym on December 12, 2004, at 16:05:41
Crushed,
I would miss you too. I think Daisy's advice is great, and I hope you'll be able to take it. Please keep yourself safe. I know how hard times like this can be. Please post as much as you need to, and let your therapist know about this.
with much concern
pegasus
Posted by rockymtnhi on December 12, 2004, at 19:30:49
In reply to i need help (poss. ***trigger***), posted by crushedout on December 12, 2004, at 12:37:23
I hope that your pain ends soon. Please remember that you have not acted on your thoughts.....the strength that you have will help you through this difficult time.
Posted by gardenergirl on December 12, 2004, at 21:22:46
In reply to Re: i need help (poss. ***trigger***), posted by rockymtnhi on December 12, 2004, at 19:30:49
Crushed,
I hope you are doing a bit better. Being around people is important and helpful. It works even better if they know what you are going thru. The circumstances of your bro's party makes it tricky, but please do try to confide in someone you trust to help you through this.And it will pass. But make sure you are safe in the meantime.
((((crushed))))
gg
Posted by crushedout on December 12, 2004, at 23:22:52
In reply to Re: i need help (poss. ***trigger***), posted by gardenergirl on December 12, 2004, at 21:22:46
thanks everyone for your support. i talked to my parents on the phone at my aunt and uncle's house (parents are abroad for 1/2 year) and started crying. then when my aunt and uncle each asked me how i was i told them not good. so i guess i was honest and that helped in a way. my four-year-old cousin (who's sweet and adoring and funny) cheered me up a little. and i called my new t and set up an appt. for tomorrow at the crack of dawn. i feel bad because i think she has to get up extra early just to see me. i also feel bad because i have to get up extra early. and i generally am extremely depressed right now.i will stay safe, though. i always do. i just hate the suicidal thoughts and the dreariness of it all.
Posted by Dinah on December 13, 2004, at 5:38:33
In reply to Re: i need help (poss. ***trigger***), posted by crushedout on December 12, 2004, at 23:22:52
That's what she's there for, Crushed. (Although I understand the dawn feeling.)
I had a fair number of those thoughts and feelings after Harry died. I went on Luvox for a very short while. Not sure if that was the best thing to do or not. But the thoughts did go away.
You just experienced a loss as well. A few in fact. Be kind to yourself.
Posted by fallsfall on December 13, 2004, at 6:41:53
In reply to Re: i need help (poss. ***trigger***), posted by crushedout on December 12, 2004, at 23:22:52
(((((Crushed)))))
I'm glad you were able to go to the party and be honest with your relatives. I hope that was helpful, and I hope they gave you lots of great hugs.
I'm really glad you called your therapist, and that she could find you a spot. It takes such effort and strength to ask for help when things are so dreary. You did really well.
Things will get brighter, I truly think so. If I recall correctly, there were many times when I said to myself "I'm not going to let her make me miserable - I won't give her that much power over me". I guess my rebellion (gee, my therapist would love to see that, he thinks I rebell all the time...) helped me to stay strong through the worst times.
The holidays are a very hard time of year. We are "supposed" to be happy and having a good time (afterall, everyone *else* is happy and having a good time!). But instead we feel lonely and overwhelmed in the middle of all of the parties and crowds of shoppers. So not only are we lonely, but we are a failure because we are supposed to be happy.
Do something nice for yourself (like take 4 hours off from everything and do whatever YOU want to do). Accept hugs (even ask for them) when you need them. Eat ice cream. Post here. Call your therapist. (((Crushed)))
Wishing you peace,
Falls.
Posted by Joslynn on December 13, 2004, at 9:52:26
In reply to i need help (poss. ***trigger***), posted by crushedout on December 12, 2004, at 12:37:23
This is great that you are taking steps to feel better. I am glad you are feeling a bit better.
I don't like getting up at the crack of dawn either! But don't worry about your T, she is getting paid for it.
When you are feeling very down, is there a mental health crisis hotline you can call? Most states have them. Look in your phone book, under emergency numbers. Or search for Contact USA on the internet, I am not sure of the exact site. It's a mental health crisis hotline. You would get to talk to a human voice.
Posted by Rigby on December 13, 2004, at 21:55:18
In reply to i need help (poss. ***trigger***), posted by crushedout on December 12, 2004, at 12:37:23
Hi Crushed,
Just saw this. How are you doing today? Was the new therapist able to help you at all? Any further insights into what might have triggered this?
Rigby
> i don't even know if i can express what i'm feeling right now. it's gotten so bad (and it's not just about my T -- i daresay it's not about her at all, but that seems unlikely) that all i can think about is how i want to do myself in. actually imagining methods and stuff. i just don't see the point in living. i know all that stuff i was saying about small pleasures and being kind but none of it feels like it matters to me right now. i just want to die.
Posted by crushedout on December 13, 2004, at 22:10:06
In reply to Re: i need help (poss. ***trigger***) » crushedout, posted by Rigby on December 13, 2004, at 21:55:18
hey rigby. seeing her did help a little bit. but there's not much she can do. it's horrible this depression. i'm a little better today but still pretty bad. barely functioning but i have to. otherwise i'm afraid of what will happen. truly.it's possible i was triggered by taking a drug for my back that my doctor prescribed. i think i'm learning i have to be *very* careful what drugs i take. i'm extremely sensitve to them and they can trigger horrible crashes.
Posted by Rigby on December 14, 2004, at 13:45:29
In reply to Re: i need help (poss. ***trigger***) » Rigby, posted by crushedout on December 13, 2004, at 22:10:06
Hi Crushed,
Good point about the back meds. Also, if you're taking anything for depression I wonder if the two drugs can interact?
Is your back feeling any better? I've strained my low back a few times and it's amazing how everything you do is impacted. Muscle relaxants aren't really a good solution either--they just put you to sleep (or me to sleep anyway!)
You feeling any better or clearer about the ex-t?
R
> hey rigby. seeing her did help a little bit. but there's not much she can do. it's horrible this depression. i'm a little better today but still pretty bad. barely functioning but i have to. otherwise i'm afraid of what will happen. truly.
>
> it's possible i was triggered by taking a drug for my back that my doctor prescribed. i think i'm learning i have to be *very* careful what drugs i take. i'm extremely sensitve to them and they can trigger horrible crashes.
Posted by crushedout on December 14, 2004, at 20:38:10
In reply to Re: i need help (poss. ***trigger***), posted by Rigby on December 14, 2004, at 13:45:29
my back's gotten a lot better but it's still somewhat messed up. you're right: the muscle relaxant knocked me out (and f'ed me up bad, perhaps, emotionally) but it didn't do a dang thing for my back. i think i'll lay off those things (unless i decide to use them to do myself in -- semi-joking -- sorry).as for the ex-t, i'm still feeling very torn and missing her a lot. i'm sure that's playing a role in this severe depression. rationally, i guess i think i did the right thing, but i'm not even sure if *that's* true. i'm kind of assuming that everyone around me knows better than i do, and i'm borrowing their opinions. i wish i could feel sure myself that what i did was right.
i miss her very much. it's painful.
Posted by annierose on December 14, 2004, at 20:43:30
In reply to back and ex-t » Rigby, posted by crushedout on December 14, 2004, at 20:38:10
Crushed - You are still seeing T2 aren't you? You need the support right now. Having been where you are, (except for the falling in love with your T part), I know how hard this is ... the self doubt. But trust your gut. Time will help give you some perspective. If a year from now you decide differently, she will still be there (unless she retires, moves, etc).
Posted by crushedout on December 14, 2004, at 20:50:20
In reply to Re: back and ex-t » crushedout, posted by annierose on December 14, 2004, at 20:43:30
yeah, still seeing t2. she's being very supportive, but she barely knows me so it doesn't feel the same. but t1 was never this supportive -- that should tell me something.in a year i won't have any insurance. but i see your point. what's insurance anyway? who needs it? not me, no way, no how (i'm scared out of my wits to be without it, actually).
This is the end of the thread.
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