![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by messadivoce on December 7, 2004, at 2:00:48
I've been seeing a new T, trying to process the loss of my old T. I find that after my weekly sessions I'm really emotional and sad for a few days. The sessions really knock me off balance. Then after a few days I'm fine. I have another session on Wednesday and I'm not looking forward to getting knocked off balance again.
I've entertained thoughts of quitting soon. Maybe if I put my grief to rest by not entertaining it anymore...or do I need to process this until I can go to therapy without getting thrown for a loop? Grieving is such hard work. Thoughts?
Posted by Fallen4MyT on December 7, 2004, at 2:13:10
In reply to this makes me feel worse, posted by messadivoce on December 7, 2004, at 2:00:48
My fear for you for what it is worth is that you would still grieve but alone no T to guide and that could be harder :( sorry for your loss of the T you preferred
> I've been seeing a new T, trying to process the loss of my old T. I find that after my weekly sessions I'm really emotional and sad for a few days. The sessions really knock me off balance. Then after a few days I'm fine. I have another session on Wednesday and I'm not looking forward to getting knocked off balance again.
>
> I've entertained thoughts of quitting soon. Maybe if I put my grief to rest by not entertaining it anymore...or do I need to process this until I can go to therapy without getting thrown for a loop? Grieving is such hard work. Thoughts?
Posted by antigua on December 7, 2004, at 8:06:16
In reply to Re: this makes me feel worse » messadivoce, posted by Fallen4MyT on December 7, 2004, at 2:13:10
Selfishly, I would have to process it so I could quit obsessing over it. The ups & downs make me crazy!
antigua
Posted by Bent on December 7, 2004, at 12:19:27
In reply to this makes me feel worse, posted by messadivoce on December 7, 2004, at 2:00:48
Do you know what's causing the emotions and the sadness? Is it longing for/missing the old T? If so I would think it would be very beneficial to talk about it. It is a grieving process and will take time, and I think its better to not do it alone. I'd really recommend talking to the current T about this, if you havent already. Good luck, sorry its so hard.
Posted by Shortelise on December 7, 2004, at 14:34:44
In reply to this makes me feel worse, posted by messadivoce on December 7, 2004, at 2:00:48
Voce, when my session are upsetting is when I am making progress. I mean, I can also be making progress when they aren't upsetting, but I comfort myself that the hardest ones are the most beneficial.
Hey, it works for me!
But I have so often dreaded going to see my psychiatrist. My ability to compartmentalize disintegrated when I began to understand that it is harmful to me, so I couldn't just stuff the feelings into a dark corner and go on about my business.
I hope it gets easier for you soon.
hugs,
ShortE
Posted by 10derheart on December 7, 2004, at 19:08:29
In reply to this makes me feel worse, posted by messadivoce on December 7, 2004, at 2:00:48
Hi,
Hope you are feeling not-so-sad today. Maybe just today. One day at a time. I used *trigger* just 'cause I know you're suffering, and you may choose not to read on knowing I'm describing feelings about losing our T's...don't want to stir stuff up with no warning, ya' know?
I don't know what the right thing will ultimately be for you - keep processing w/new T. or go it alone - but hopefully *you* will know at some point. Maybe you'll feel comfortable and start to attach to new T. and that may help, and/or talking about old T. so much will sort of flush out enough of the hurt to make it at least a dull ache. Wish I knew, but am a little too close to walking right beside you to be all that much help.
Wish no one of us had to go through this, although I can intellectually see what an amazing learning experience it can/will be. But my intellect does not go to sleep each night and wake each morning longing, and having to grieve all over again. That would be my heart. ouch ouch ouch
It's ironic, in a way, as I'm right there with you. You might remember my long post on your original thread. I am the one still in post-termination touch w/my T. by email. I had a much kinder, gentler outcome to post-term. stuff than you, but can totally relate to the loving feelings you have for him. So totally - to the point I won't go there right now :(
Recalling the way your original post made me tear up reading it, I can only imagine it will take a *lot* of crying, anger, depression and generally sad times to get through it. Even with my easier road, the pain of missing him is great - perhaps even made more acute by his emails, who knows? I've been ok with it all until about 3 weeks ago, when I decided to find a new T. It took months before I could imagine talking to someone else. It took rivers of tears to even accept not seeing him any more. Now, anticipating some kind of ending to the email contact (let's just break my heart all over again), I want to have another T. to talk to. No one I know IRL understands this stuff. Old T. and I haven't directly talked about how this will happen yet, but you can probably imagine I'm scared to death about it. I trust him so much. But the reality is, every single change, transition and separation from these special souls hurts like he**.
So, tomorrow I see third of the T's I've been interviewing. Have a strong feeling I will stick w/him. Just found out he knows my former T. - not well - but they interacted professionally a bit. Old T. says he's a very nice man with a great reputation. Possible new T. left me a lovely voicemail and was great on the phone when we set up the initial session. So, I am very hopeful of finding someone to share this burden with. Scared. Nervous. Confused.
What's your new T. like? Male or female? Sorry if you wrote about this, I can't remember. It's your instincts that will tell you stay or go, but I'll confess I hope you stay w/T. Though we all fight it, reconnecting with other caring people really is the only true medicine. Hope your T. is one of those people for you. I'll bet you can tolerate the bad feelings after sessions, because they are probably coming from growth and changes in you so deep in the unconscious you can't *tell* right now. Our souls have growing pains, too. Take care and post often. I'll try to lurk less and post more, too.
Hugs,
10derHeart
Posted by LG04 on December 7, 2004, at 21:06:08
In reply to Re: makes me feel worse(long/* trigger*), posted by 10derheart on December 7, 2004, at 19:08:29
HI Tenderheart,
Just wanted to say that I am in a very similar situation as you. I am in post-termination contact with my former therapist over phone and email. Finally this week I put a call in to a new therapist...couldn't even envision doing it before. And I know that if I start with a new therapist, that I will have to stop being in regular contact with my old therapist b/c as she said, there is only one slot in a person's life for a therapist. You can't build two therapist relationships just like you can't have two spouses (at the same time i mean) or whatever.I can't imagine not being in touch with her anymore. I imagine that I might still email her and call her once in a while. I can't just give her up completely. Also, we have discussed the idea of being friends after at least a year has gone by since termination. So I know that's a possibility, although it also might not happen. We live in two different countries (she's halfway across the world) and I will be visiting that country probably every summer for 1-2 months, and I know that I will see her when I visit. So a part of me knows it won't be the END of our relationship but rather an end of a phase. But what the next phase will be, neither of us knows and i have HUGE issues with wanting to always know -- in advance -- the outcome of relationships so that I can protect myself from getting hurt.
And either way, I can't imagine it being as good or close as our therapeutic relationship has been. There is something about the love between a therapist and client, when it's there, that is simply not able to be replicated in other relationships. On the other hand, there is something very special about having close, intimate friends. I try not to think about the future though b/c it's just not possible to know what it will bring between us. My task at hand is to deal with the here and now, and that means giving her up at this time, or soon. And that is very sad to me and very difficult. I so much miss being so close with her. I've never felt as close to anyone before as I have felt with her. And that feeling is fading.
Like you, we haven't talked about exactly how we would stop being in contact. I don't think either of us looks forward to it but we know it's necessary. And I have had some intense transference/dependence upon her, though it's lessening more each day, so for that reason too it will probably be good at some point to take a "time out" and then see where we each are at when we resume contact.
It's definitely a painful situation, leaving a beloved therapist. But I am so much better about it emotionally than I was 6 months ago, when the very thought of leaving her made me feel certain that I would die. I just couldn't believe that I could literally live without her, without seeing her and being in therapy with her. And I am living and I am functioning well overall and I am getting more used to her being less and less a part of my life. It amazes me to think that I did it, that I moved back to America even though it meant leaving my therapist.
Anyway this has been long...just wanted to say that I really relate to your situation and will be interested to hear how it goes with starting a new therapist and how you and your old therapist decide to stop being in contact, etc.
LG04
Posted by messadivoce on December 8, 2004, at 1:16:51
In reply to Re: makes me feel worse(long/* trigger*), posted by 10derheart on December 7, 2004, at 19:08:29
Thanks for your thoughtful reply, 10derhearted. I appreciate that you acknowledge that this is not easy. It's such a long tedious process.
You asked about my new T. She's a woman about my mother's age (late 40s). I like her but I don't feel an extraordinary attachment to her at this time. I don't think she's a "trigger" for me. What seems to get me are those kind men with that fatherly way about them.
My old T was 13 years older than me (I'm 22) so not old enough to be my dad but he most certainly filled that roll for a long time. It took me a long time to trust him, but once I did I trusted him with everything. I don't know if I'll ever trust another man like that again. Sometimes I try to talk to him like he's listening. I ask him, why did you leave? Where did you go? And I plead with him to come back. Even though I know the answers I still ask why.
My new T is less intense. I think my old T was more clued in on emotional holding, because I realized very late into the game that he had been holding me all along with his voice, his eyes and his heart as well. My new T makes less eye contact. Silences are awkward. With my old T, more was communicated with silence than in words sometimes. But I don't always feel like I'm being held by my new T. I feel like I'm out on a limb by myself.
I feel like I have written a bunch of nonesense. But thank you all for responding. I will keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers as some of you experience this same difficult transition...
Posted by crushedout on December 8, 2004, at 3:22:02
In reply to Re: makes me feel worse(long/* trigger*), posted by 10derheart on December 7, 2004, at 19:08:29
wow, great post. why haven't i seen you before?can i ask why you terminated with your beloved t?
i don't know if you know my story but i'm dealing with termination angst as well.
Posted by crushedout on December 8, 2004, at 4:19:15
In reply to Re: makes me feel worse(long/* trigger*) » 10derheart, posted by messadivoce on December 8, 2004, at 1:16:51
that was not nonsense. maybe i'm drunk and tired and miserable, but i think you're making tons of sense.
Posted by messadivoce on December 9, 2004, at 1:17:16
In reply to Re: makes me feel worse(long/* trigger*) » 10derheart, posted by messadivoce on December 8, 2004, at 1:16:51
Well, I had my session with my new T today and we discussed my old T a lot as usual. I had sent her the last e-mail I got from him that felt like a brush off, and she appeared really frustrated with me. She literally threw her hands in the air and exclaimed, "Well, he SAID you could e-mail him!" Well, yes he did, but he said a lot of other things too that are not happening now.
She suggested that the reason I want contact with him is because I'm having trouble internalizing the work we did together, and that I feel I need contact with him to continually affirm myself. Ugh.
In all fairness, she did say that termination with him was premature and that it probably would have been better if we would have had the time to work through all that mucky transference. She also said that if I unraveled a lot of the problems I have with my dad, she felt like the issues with my old T would resolve themselves. Okay, true, and probably the most productive thing she said all session. Makes me feel like there's a way out of this.
But basically I feel like I'm not moving on fast enough for her and she's getting frustrated with this issue that doesn't seem to have an end in sight.
Her demenour really made me withdraw into my little shell that my old T worked so hard to get me out of. I wonder if she's annoyed with me? Is she mad because I miss my old T so much and obviously don't have the same strong feelings for her that I did him? I feel like a horrible client, both to my old T and my new one.
By the end of the session I had a royal headache from all the tears I couldn't cry that had amassed behind my eyes. I came home, ate spaghetti, and sobbed it all out to my very understanding boyfriend. I still have a headache, the post-crying kind. For what it's worth, I haven't cried at all since March. That can't be healthy for me. :-(
Posted by Shortelise on December 9, 2004, at 11:39:27
In reply to update - such a mess, posted by messadivoce on December 9, 2004, at 1:17:16
I recently noticed another babbler asking if it was ok to send hugs.
So I guess I should ask - is it ok? If so, please consider yourself warmly hugged. If not, I send only the warm reassurance the hugs are meant to convey.
ShortE
Posted by messadivoce on December 9, 2004, at 14:06:57
In reply to Re: update - such a mess, posted by Shortelise on December 9, 2004, at 11:39:27
Posted by daisym on December 9, 2004, at 23:17:10
In reply to Re: update - such a mess, posted by Shortelise on December 9, 2004, at 11:39:27
Here is another one.... (((messadivoce)))
I wish hugs would fix this for you. The pain and angst you feel is very real, "transference" or not.
I wouldn't worry that your new therapist is getting frustrated with you. You might be reading your own feelings of frustration here. She knows this is hard. And maybe you can begin to talk about your dad and see if it moves into something.
Hang in there. I'm glad you were able to let the tears out and you had a shoulder to cry on. That can make all the difference.
Posted by Dinah on December 10, 2004, at 20:27:44
In reply to update - such a mess, posted by messadivoce on December 9, 2004, at 1:17:16
How long did you see your old therapist? How long has it been since you stopped seeing him? If mine were to become my ex-therapist for any reason (after nearly ten years together) I'd consider it the same as losing any other important person in my life, I think. Not transference, necessarily.
I think therapists do get frustrated from time to time. At least mine does. But he's usually over it by the next week, and it doesn't affect our long term relationship.
Is crying such an inappropriate reaction? Unpleasant to be sure. But maybe you're releasing what needs to be released.
Posted by messadivoce on December 11, 2004, at 0:17:37
In reply to Re: update - such a mess » messadivoce, posted by Dinah on December 10, 2004, at 20:27:44
Thanks for your post. To answer you questions, I saw my old T for 7 months. Which doesn't seem like much, but we covered a lot of ground in those 7 months. It has now been exactly 7 months since I last saw him.
As for crying...I know it wasn't an inappropriate reaction. As painful as these last 7 months have been, I haven't been able to shed a single tear. Not one. I feel like I released so much grief and sadness, and for the last few days at least I've been better. We'll see if it lasts.
I hope that someone else who posted was right (I can't remember who) who said that perhaps I was feeling my own frustration and it seemed mirrored in my new T. I hope that we can have a productive session next week, because I'm finishing finals and I won't get to see her for 2 weeks.
Voce
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.