Posted by 10derheart on December 7, 2004, at 19:08:29
In reply to this makes me feel worse, posted by messadivoce on December 7, 2004, at 2:00:48
Hi,
Hope you are feeling not-so-sad today. Maybe just today. One day at a time. I used *trigger* just 'cause I know you're suffering, and you may choose not to read on knowing I'm describing feelings about losing our T's...don't want to stir stuff up with no warning, ya' know?
I don't know what the right thing will ultimately be for you - keep processing w/new T. or go it alone - but hopefully *you* will know at some point. Maybe you'll feel comfortable and start to attach to new T. and that may help, and/or talking about old T. so much will sort of flush out enough of the hurt to make it at least a dull ache. Wish I knew, but am a little too close to walking right beside you to be all that much help.
Wish no one of us had to go through this, although I can intellectually see what an amazing learning experience it can/will be. But my intellect does not go to sleep each night and wake each morning longing, and having to grieve all over again. That would be my heart. ouch ouch ouch
It's ironic, in a way, as I'm right there with you. You might remember my long post on your original thread. I am the one still in post-termination touch w/my T. by email. I had a much kinder, gentler outcome to post-term. stuff than you, but can totally relate to the loving feelings you have for him. So totally - to the point I won't go there right now :(
Recalling the way your original post made me tear up reading it, I can only imagine it will take a *lot* of crying, anger, depression and generally sad times to get through it. Even with my easier road, the pain of missing him is great - perhaps even made more acute by his emails, who knows? I've been ok with it all until about 3 weeks ago, when I decided to find a new T. It took months before I could imagine talking to someone else. It took rivers of tears to even accept not seeing him any more. Now, anticipating some kind of ending to the email contact (let's just break my heart all over again), I want to have another T. to talk to. No one I know IRL understands this stuff. Old T. and I haven't directly talked about how this will happen yet, but you can probably imagine I'm scared to death about it. I trust him so much. But the reality is, every single change, transition and separation from these special souls hurts like he**.
So, tomorrow I see third of the T's I've been interviewing. Have a strong feeling I will stick w/him. Just found out he knows my former T. - not well - but they interacted professionally a bit. Old T. says he's a very nice man with a great reputation. Possible new T. left me a lovely voicemail and was great on the phone when we set up the initial session. So, I am very hopeful of finding someone to share this burden with. Scared. Nervous. Confused.
What's your new T. like? Male or female? Sorry if you wrote about this, I can't remember. It's your instincts that will tell you stay or go, but I'll confess I hope you stay w/T. Though we all fight it, reconnecting with other caring people really is the only true medicine. Hope your T. is one of those people for you. I'll bet you can tolerate the bad feelings after sessions, because they are probably coming from growth and changes in you so deep in the unconscious you can't *tell* right now. Our souls have growing pains, too. Take care and post often. I'll try to lurk less and post more, too.
Hugs,
10derHeart
poster:10derheart
thread:425538
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041203/msgs/425871.html